Columns
When A Fight About Doing-Good Goes Bad & Wife Complains About Too Much Togetherness
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
DEAR CAT: My friend and I had a big fight over a stupid topic – doing charity work. In two seconds it went from conversation to argument. We were out to dinner with her work friend and they were talking about a charity thing that weekend in connection with their company. My friend has never done charity work before and I joked how it would be funny to see her âget her hands dirtyâ because she flips out if she breaks a nail (we joke about this all the time.) But she retorted, âwhat charity work have you ever done? Writing a check doesnât count.â She knows I care deeply about a few charities and I write sizable checks every year, and I didnât appreciate that being thrown in my face. I called her that night and she still hasnât called me back. I think she went overboard, obviously she feels the same about me. Are we not friends anymore? Did I cross a line? Didnât she cross a line, too? Iâd like your outside opinion on this. â GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE
DEAR HORSE: You both crossed a line. Letâs start with you. You used an inside joke to paint your friend as a self-centered princess whose idea of charity is giving an extra quarter to her manicurist. Even if thatâs accurate, itâs not your place to unveil that persona to her colleague. As for her, she hit below the belt by denigrating your generous charitable contributions (which do count, by the way) and in doing so dismissed how much you care about those issues. You two need to talk, plain and simple. If she wonât call you back, send her an email, a funny apology card, or a gift certificate for a manicure. If that last one doesnât get a laugh and a response…Catâs Call: Give up.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been a stay-at-home mom for seven years with one child who is now in first grade. Recently my husband started working from home and the situation is driving me crazy. We eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together; it seems we do everything together! It’s just too much togetherness! I love him but I now truly agree that some distance makes the heart grow fonder. I get out to meet friends and do some volunteer work but we are trying to get pregnant again so I cannot go back to work. How should I deal with this? âTOO MUCH
DEAR TOO: Yes absence can make the heart grow fonder, but this isnât about love, itâs about space. Everyone needs space, itâs part of the human condition. Your husband can now breathe easier working from home but he probably has no clue that your space has disappeared. Thereâs only one way for him to learn â tell him! If you can have two children with him, you can be honest about your needs. A simple, âHoney, I adore you, but I need a chance to miss you,â should get the conversation going. As a side noteâ¦.Catâs Call: Unless youâre having sex every hour thereâs no reason why you canât get a job, at least part-time.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call on the charity question is these women had problems before the fight. Fights can come out of nowhere but this one got nasty too fast. High Horse opened her mouth when she shouldn’t have even if she meant nothing by it. Her friend wasn’t even joking so there’s an old issue there. Makes me wonder if High Horse isn’t playing innocent and does this kind of thing all the time. On the second question can someone please tell me why this woman can’t get a job. If she doesn’t want one she should just admit it. You’re trying to have a baby so what? Don’t say you “can’t go back to work” because that’s nonsense.
— Tim, NY 03/29/2011 Reply
I didn’t think about them having issues before the fight, I think you’re right! I know my friends and I wouldn’t snap off each other’s heads like that. I wouldn’t even get mad if my friend made a joke like Ms. Horse did. The more I think about it the more I agree she might be the kind of person who makes comments like this quite often and her friend is tired of it.
As for getting space from your spouse…if you two can’t talk about this it’s hard to believe you’re married with a child. I understand it might be hard to ask your husband to get a different job away from the house but too much togetherness isn’t good for any couple. I won’t jump on the badwagon about getting a job because what’s the point, Cat said it all on that subject.
— Kate, Cleveland 03/29/2011 Reply
C’mon Cat – have some standards! No Browns fans, please……
— Ben, VA 03/29/2011 Reply
LOL LOL LOL LOL
— Black & Gold Forever 03/30/2011 Reply
I can offer an opinion more easily on the second question than the first. Here it is: We don’t know the circumstances behind the husband suddenly working from home. If he is starting his own business or doing contract work after being laid off, etc., then there may not be an option for him to work elsewhere for a while. It IS a good idea for him to establish separate work space in the house, perhaps the attic or basement, or turn an outdoor shed into an office. Money is clearly not the deciding factor here if the wife has the luxury of doing volunteer work and meeting her friends. I agree with Cat about using “trying to have a baby” as an excuse not to get her own job. This couple must sit down and talk frankly about the new arrangement and come to an understanding. I get the sense this is not going to be a huge problem.
The first question is more difficult, surprisingly, because we don’t have the background. It seems the letter writer touched a nerve with her friend and is paying the price. In the friend’s defense it might not have been appropriate to make a joke that in front of a coworker. The extent of the friend’s reaction is the most telling.
— JT Pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
Dear Too Much,
Women get pregnant no matter if they have a job or not.
Sincerely,
Working Mom
— Pittsburgh PA 03/29/2011 Reply
I think it is very rude that you told Too Much to âget a jobâ. What do you think a full time Mom does??? She also states she volunteers. Just because she does not bring home a paycheck, doesnât mean she does not work all day. Dear âworking momâsâ get a life, take your infants and children out of daycare and stay home and raise them the right way. It may just do this world a bit of good to center on the family instead of competeing with you neighbor!!!!!
— Patti from Pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
Stay at home moms always say their way is the “right way.” I’m not judging either way, I’m only saying that even in societies where women do not have ‘jobs’ they do not just sit home all day interfacing with their children. In those cultures women work together every day and help one another, it’s their form of daycare. That is how children get socialized properly and moms don’t lose their minds. Nobody is telling “Too Much” to get a job, they’re saying don’t use being a mother as an excuse for not having a job. Her kid is in school all day for crying out loud. If Too Much needs space from her spouse (which is understandable) the burden should not be on him to leave the house. It should be on her.
— K. PGH 03/29/2011 Reply
Look at the kids in today’s society. You can’t seriously tell me daycare has done a good job of raising them. No morals or values and kids are rude today. Stay at home Moms know that they are doing the right thing. It is easy to tell the difference between children raised at home and children raised by stangers at daycare. Don’t kids yourself, it only hurts your children in the long run.
— Patti from Pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
I LOVE that you addressed the stay-at-home mom job issue. Running a household and raising children is a tough job, for sure, but making excuses as to why they can’t possibly work just sounds like whining to me. Just say you prefer to stay at home with the kids, don’t give the mom’s that have to work the lame excuse that you HAVE to stay home and CAN’T get a job. That’s poppycock, and we all know it.
— Beth, Pittsburgh 03/30/2011 Reply
Hahaha – loved Cat’s comeback about getting a job and you can still get pregnant! Her so-called “reason” for not working is paper thin and we can see right through it – to her not wanting to work. To be fair, I tried to look at it from her point of view, but what if she doesn’t get pregnant for years? Will she still be home then? Since I’m a working mom, it’s hard for to relate to not wanting to work, but she should be more honest with herself.
Anyway, it is HER problem that she is uncomfortable being with her hubby that much, so my feeling is that the Wife needs to get out of the house. If she is not willing to work, then do MORE charitable or community work, there are plenty of causes that need help. Go back to school and take a college class or two to expand your mind or take up a hobby that gets you out of the house. Your child is in school, so you can be out of the house a great deal & be productive.
My last thought though – what will she do when Hubby retires and they are together everyday in retirement?
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
I can understand why the stay at home mom says she can’t get a job now that they are trying to get pregnant: either no one will hire someone who will be leaving in six months; or she feels it is dishonest to ask a company to invest in her with training and getting up to speed since she will quit and not come back once she has the kid. I get the feeling she will stay at home for the second one, too. As for the husband working at home, he should have an office space in the home and they should lay down some ground rules where he goes to the ‘office’ from 9 to 5 each day, and they see each other in the morning and after work, unless needed otherwise.
— Wertzro in Pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
If stay-at-home mom is going to stay home with the next child, why would she want to get a job and have to quit within a few months? That doesn’t make sense and doesn’t appear to be the problem. The problem is she needs to set some boundaries with her husband if his presence is interfering with her daily life so much the situation is driving her “crazy.” Speak up woman!
— Paula PA 03/30/2011 Reply
The first letter sounds like it is about a couple of snooty biatches.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
anyone who says ‘checks don’t count’ in regards to charity work has no idea what goes into a charity. blood, sweat, tears, and MONEY.
— caiti, pittsburgh 03/29/2011 Reply
On the second letter – I work from home and my spouse is retired. We each do our own thing and being in the house together is no big deal. Maybe there is more to this. Does he expect her to be the “gal Friday” and wait on him while he is working? Is she supposed to cook 3 gourmet meals every day just because he is home? Does he talk non-stop while she is trying to read a book? Is she expected to tiptoe around so as to keep the house quiet for him to work? If not, then I don’t see the problem. He should have his space to work and she should have her space to do whatever she would normally do at home. If none of these ideas hit the mark then she needs to plan more activities outside the home. It sounds like he is not objecting to the things she does now.
— PB from NY 03/29/2011 Reply
I think the 2nd letter writer’s point about not getting a new job is exactly what Wertzro said, that she’s planning to stay home with the second child and doesn’t think it’s fair or honest to get a new job and have a company spend all that time training her when she knows she’s going to quit once she’s got a second child. As for too much togetherness, it’s definitely hard to suddenly have to change your routine like that and to give up all the private time that you were used to. It may end up working itself out, but in the meantime, she should consider figuring out more ways to get out of the house, and to ask her husband to set up a separate work space in the house so they’re not tripping over each other.
For the first letter writer, I’m begging you, DO NOT send your friend a gift certificate for a manicure. She could very easily see that as a passive aggressive insult on your part and it would effectively end your friendship.
— Megan, Point Breeze 03/31/2011 Reply
My husband “works from home” permanently, due to his job circumstances (programmer for a small company with no central office). But being actually at home all of the time drives him nuts, so he usually goes to the local coffee shop to work. He figures the price of beverages and perhaps a small snack is less than actual office space would cost, and well worth it for keeping away cabin fever. TOO MUCH’s husband should perhaps consider offering this to her husband as an option.
On the other hand, if he decides he must be in the house, perhaps it is time for stay-at-home dad, not stay-at-home mom, since he’s already staying at home. TOO MUCH doesn’t need to go find a job she hates, but if she’s already doing volunteer work, perhaps it’s time to put some more time into that (or seeking out a part-time paid position with the organization) to get her out of the house and find something that is her own space and productivity. Sure, when she’s pregnant she’ll need some time out, but if she’s working for people she’s already been working with, they’ll understand that.
— Gwendolyn, South Side Flats 04/03/2011 Reply