Columns
His Relationship Still Haunts Him & Asking For (Too Much) Help
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
DEAR CAT: I got out of an abusive relationship about a year ago. I took time for myself and havenât had so much as a coffee date since I broke up with her. The abuse still haunts me. I will not describe it, but it was pretty bad and left me with memories I canât seem to shake. It may strike some people as strange to hear a man complain about being abused. For the record, I am a pretty tough guy and could have stomped her on multiple occasions but I chose not to because I am not a monster. Women can abuse men too and it hurts just as much. I want to start over with a new and better woman who will treat me with respect but I am terrified of the consequences should I end up with the wrong one again. What can I do to make these feelings go away so that I can move on? â ONCE BITTEN
DEAR ONCE: Taking time for yourself is a very wise first step but healing and moving on require more than just ânot datingâ for a while. I strongly encourage you to talk to a professional. Despite your instinct to go it alone, you wouldnât hesitate to seek medical treatment for a broken leg, and you should do the same for a broken spirit. Abuse inflicts trauma which persists even after the abuse has ended; thatâs why the memories âhauntâ you. You deserve the chance to move on and the right therapy will help you deal with the fear and gain new perspective. I sincerely hope you follow this advice, if for no greater reason than your fear of finding another abusive relationship can also prevent you from finding a wonderful relationship. Catâs Call: That would be most tragic of all.
DEAR CAT: My husbandâs niece has 2 children, ages 5 and 6. We received a mailing from each child asking us to sponsor their school fundraising efforts. We are being asked to purchase two magazine subscriptions per child, so they can receive a free t-shirt at a school assembly. We would like to contribute in some way but we donât want to buy four magazine subscriptions. We only see the niece and her family once a year at the kidsâ combined birthday party. Any suggestion on how to handle this? â WANT TO HELP
DEAR WANT: Four magazines is a lot to ask, especially from a mail solicitation. It doesnât get much more impersonal than that. But no worries, itâs perfectly acceptable and a very nice gesture to buy one subscription from each child. I would suggest simply contributing to the school but fundraising contests are designed to get kids motivated and involved. If you donât want the magazines at all, some publications allow you to âgiftâ your subscriptions to others. If thatâs not an option, just suck it up and live with two extra magazines for a year. In the endâ¦Catâs Call: Youâll feel good knowing you helped the kids.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I can completely relate to “Want to Help”. I have two nephews whose school does this same fundraiser. It infuriates me to no end that they force these children to raise money for school programs that should be funded by our taxes.
I suggest that anyone else that is annoyed with this contact the principal of each school and express how inappropriate this is. I have been receiving these requests each year and feel it is completely tacky. I think it is fine if it is for an extracurricular activity where one needs to raise money for equipment, trips, etc., but to raise money for school programs is just ridiculous.
The worst part is that the schools do this knowing that you don’t want to embarrass the child so you feel compelled to donate. Again, I will donate anything for an activity, but feel the taxes we pay in our communities are enough to cover basic school expenses. Let me donate to Haiti or other places where the folks really need my money -if schools are that desperate for money then they need to take a look at their budgets and figure out plan B.
— Daniela, Pittsburgh 03/30/2010 Reply
To Once Bitten: Don’t give up bud. The break was a good idea (time heals all wounds), but at some point you have to trust that you’ll find a really nice companion; and when you do it will be that much better for you.
To Want to Help: Give up. Just buy the subscriptions if you have to. Hopefully, Cat’s idea about gifting to others is an option, but if not, you will avoid lots of family drama by just sucking it up and buying the mags; hopefully there are a few you may actually look at.
— carm in pittsburgh 03/30/2010 Reply
To “Want to Help” Those solicitations are nothing more than blackmail. You shouldn’t be forced to buy anything you don’t want. While gifting the subscriptions may be an option why not call the parent of those children and just tell them that due to the hard times money is tight and you cannot provide any assistance.
— John, Lexington KY 03/30/2010 Reply
To Once Bitten: Go get help. Allowing yourself to be abused is a problem you need to deal with, not just the bad memories from it. Good luck. On the 2nd question: Cat, good call pointing out the kids should call instead of asking for money with a mailer. It’s the first thing I noticed. The kids are young but they could call with the parents, we are talking about family after all.
— manchaman NY 03/30/2010 Reply
Good morning. I read about the dilemma that “want to help” wrote about regarding purchasing the magazines from her husband’s niece’s children. Right now library funding has been drastically cut to both public and school libraries.  A perfect solution would be to purchase the magazines to be sent to the local library.  Please get this word out. Not only would it help this reader but it might give others an idea to help out the library.
— Friend of the Library 03/30/2010 Reply
I wholeheartedly concur with Cat on her advice to Once Bitten. He is definitely suffering some delayed trauma, possibly PTSD, from the abuse, and he needs therapy to deal with it properly and effectively. Behavior therapy can be very helpful to many who have suffered trauma, as it helps you learn to react differently to certain “triggers” that bring back haunting memories. Good luck to you Once Bitten and you will find a decent woman once you are happy and ready to find love.
As for the magazine request, a phone call may have been a huge improvement, but considering their ages, perhaps not a requirement. I felt the imposition was on having both children solicit the same relatives. My sister and I both sold Girl Scout cookies, and we divided up the relatives, neighbors and family friends to request sales; and yes, we DID do it in person. There is a good learning experience in these types of programs, as it teaches confidence, money management and people skills, if done correctly and not just done by the parents. In reply to Daniela, you seem very angry about fundraisers, which seems misplaced. Aside from the positive things it can teach children, a fundraiser for a school program fills in for the LACK of sufficient taxpayer money. Most school districts have shortfalls and cut many programs unless outside funding is found. Perhaps you want to pay more in taxes???
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 03/30/2010 Reply
Once Bitten, you need to take Cat’s advice and seek help. Last April me and my dogs were attacked by a pitbull, I could not take my dogs on a walk, because I was so afraid that it would happen again. After I went to therapy, I can once again walk my dogs. As I was told when you have a traumatic experience, you have to retrain your brain to deal with it, and it is much easier with help of a professional. Good luck to you.
— Pittsburgh Joe, Hemet Ca 03/30/2010 Reply
Regarding “ Want to Help” I disagree with having to purchase “unwanted” magazines-what a waste of paper and money -not to mention all the wasted paper that will be sent when they magazine is due for renewal-just so no and don’t feel compelled to buy something you do not want end of story
— susie Pittsburgh 03/30/2010 Reply
Cat – Thank you for your column. I enjoy your take on people’s problems. Abusive relationships — I agree with you, he needs to talk to someone.
— M.A. 03/30/2010 Reply
hey. i have some questions. how many millions of boxes of girl scout cookies are sold every year? what is the profit margin on a box of girl scout cookies? and what specifically is being done with all the proceeds from the sales of girl scout cookies? something stinks here (and i don’t just mean the lemon snaps). i have some serious suspicions and doubt, and i’m calling for a blue chip commission to investigate all current and future girl scout operations. who’s with me?
— carm in pittsburgh 03/31/2010 Reply
The problem with school fundraising contests like this is the lesson learned: sell worthless junk to people so you can feel like a winner. The kids don’t want the t-shirts…the schools want money. Just admit it! I don’t think people would resent kids asking for school stuff: pencils, paper, books, software, computer equipment, athletic supplies, etc etc etc. Instead we’re teaching the young generation: all you have to do to win is email everyone you know and ask them for money. Soon enough we’ll have a new generation of online spammers and Snuggie salespeople. Just what we need.
— Tam2, Pittsburgh 03/31/2010 Reply
RE: Want to Help: Keep in mind that when you buy magazine subscriptions, you are opting in to all manner of junk mail. I would not purchase magazines I’m not interested in for that reason. But in addition I do not believe in using family members and friends as ATMs, whether it’s a kid’s school fundraiser, a Tupperware party, or a wedding invitation that says “Cash please.”
— Kathi, Atlanta 04/01/2010 Reply
“I … could have stomped her …”.
Sounds like that was a horrible situation … but announcing that you could have “stomped her” is certainly no way to deal with it.
What kind of message does that send?
— Deb, Silicon Valley 04/02/2010 Reply
Deb,
I am confused by your response. First, I was merely stating that from a physical perspective I had nothing to fear from this woman. She was 5’ and weighed 100 lbs soaking wet. I am a 200lb 5’8” man. That did not stop her from throwing things and slapping me simply because she knew, and rightly so that I would not “stomp her.”
Furthermore, I do not know how you can make the assertion that I am dealing with anything by announcing that I could have hurt her if I wanted to. I dealt with it when I left her and I continue to deal with it.
I fear that you may suffer a mental disease that is plaguing our society and is one of the reasons that I wrote to Cat. Domestic abuse is much more 50/50 than we think. It clearly offended you that a man would even dream of defending himself with violence. I agree that “men should not hit women,” but as a society we might want to amend that maxim to read “people should not hit other people.” When a woman throws a plate at your head, or tears your shirt, or smacks you in the face it is not nearly as cute as it looks in the movies. It hurts, and you want to stomp her.
— once bitten, Pittsburgh PA 04/05/2010 Reply