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He's Boiling Over Friend's 'Gay-Talk' & It's Hard To Work With Exes
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâm a 36 year old straight man. One of my work friends is a gay man in his late 40s. We were introduced by my girlfriend several years ago (theyâre still friends) and coincidentally we now work at the same company. Heâs an alright guy and weâve had some laughs but recently we were in the office talking about the weekend and he called me a âbitchâ as a joke. As far as I know heâs never done the âgay talkâ at the office before. I swear Iâm a passive guy (never had a fight in my entire life) but I wanted to punch him. Iâve been avoiding him because that whole way of talking makes me boil and I donât want the office associating me with a) being gay, and b) a lack of professional behavior. He knows something is up but he hasnât said anything. My girlfriend says I should just tell him it bugged me, but Iâd rather let our superficial friendship go than revisit the incident. Your call? — STILL BOILING
DEAR STILL: Your anger is reasonable â itâs not appropriate to call someone a âbitchâ at work, even as a joke – but be careful not to make this molehill into a mountain. 1) You know he didnât mean any harm. 2) A brief conversation would clear this up and it would never happen again. 3) It would be awkward to let the friendship go completely while heâs still friends with your girlfriend. And why would you want to? Because on one occasion he made a mistake and crossed a line which he didnât know existed. Donât focus on the âgayâ aspect, instead think of him as any other guy who opened his trap and said something stupid. Becauseâ¦.Catâs Call: Thatâs all it was.
DEAR CAT: I currently work with my ex-girlfriend. Nine months ago we broke up because she suddenly decided that she needed âtime off.â Prior to that, she wanted to marry me (she even told my mother she wanted to marry me), have my kids, then all of a sudden she pulls back? I donât know if her fatherâs death had something to do with this or not. She still tells me I am a very special person to her and she visits me at work whenever she has a chance. I donât know what to do anymore. â VERY CONFUSED
DEAR V.C.: Youâre not sure what to do about what, exactly? Now that youâve been apart for almost a year, if you still want to get back together, talk to her about it! If youâre simply confused about how someoneâs feelings can change, unfortunately that happens sometimes. But one thing is certain, her feelings didnât change all of a sudden. She was having second thoughts for a while but instead of sharing them, she simply broke it off. Her fatherâs death could certainly affect her feelings about being in a relationship but itâs impossible for me to know if that was a factor in her decision. Despite all that, do you love her? Your letter doesnât say it. Not even once. Catâs Call: That makes me wonder less about her reasons for breaking up.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
On the first question I agree with your response yet I’m left wondering why the gay man would use the term ‘bitch’ as a joke at the office of all places, when he’d never done it before anywhere else. Is it possible he was trying to raise some eyebrows among coworkers to let them know he’s gay, if they didn’t already know, or to make them suspect BOILING might be too? It is a curious thing to happen. My call: I’ll go with Cat’s call.
— Daphne in PA 03/08/2011 Reply
Mt first call: I have to say that kind of talk annoys me too, it’s very fake. I have gay friends and they don’t talk like that but also they are very professional and wouldn’t talk like that at work. I wouldn’t react like Mr. Boiling did because I would have said something to him right at that moment. It’s time to bury the hatchet here and put this thing to rest. He is friends with your girlfriend for goodness sake and you know him to be a good guy in general. Tell him it bothered you and he won’t do it again.
My second call: Your ex-girlfriend needs more time is my feeling. It seems you are exasperated which makes sense because you see her every day. But the relationship is over at least for now.
— Teresa 03/08/2011 Reply
It sounds to me that we have people, including the author of the letter, who are stereotyping.
Straight people don’t use the term “bitch?”
Why is the fact that he is gay even mentioned? The use of that term or others in an office environment is a “no-no” whether the person is gay, straight, bi, etc.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 03/08/2011 Reply
Straight women use the term bitch with each other. Straight men use it when describing women. Straight men don’t call each other bitch.
— MadDog 03/08/2011 Reply
Send me the link to prove what you have said in your statement.
I’ve heard straight men call each other bitch, biatch, etc.
And still, it is stereotyping and still what happened had nothing to do with the one man being gay.
Inapprorpiate words in a workplace are inappropriate.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 03/08/2011 Reply
Lol you’re full of it. No straight men call other straight men ‘bitch.’ Just doesn’t happen, even as a joke.
— TJ, PGH 03/08/2011 Reply
So, you can speak for me, a person who has heard just what you say doesn’t occur? LOL
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 03/08/2011 Reply
I’ve heard straight guys call each other bitch as well – on multiple occasions. Believe it or not, some straight guys are secure enough in their masculinity to have no problem joking around that way.
It’s hilarious when people are so egocentric as to think that their social circle is representative of the entire American population. Just because your straight friends wouldn’t call each other bitch doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen elsewhere.
— Scott - Pittsburgh 03/08/2011 Reply
It was only a matter of time before someone says “any straight guy who isn’t comfortable with a gay man calling him a bitch is a homophobe or feels his masculinity is being threatened.” That’s just stupid political correctness. There is a type of ‘gay talk’ so it’s ignorant to say there isn’t but there’s nothing wrong with that because not all gay men talk like that just like not all straight men talk the same. I have news for you, true homophobia is no different than racism or antisemitism or any other kind of irrational fear. That’s a big difference from a guy saying it pisses him off when a gay guy calls him a bitch in the office. I don’t think the author has any problem with his manliness, I can undestand his irritation, I’d be irritated too. I’d handle it differently though. Stopping speaking to him isn’t homophobic, it’s immature.
— TJ, PGH 03/08/2011 Reply
Maddog is right. You’re just trying to be politically correct because you know straight men don’t call each other bitch. You’ll never hear that. I still think BOILING overreacted. But gay men have to watch out for that stuff the same way anyone else has to be careful what they say, to who, and where. That’s common sense. To Boiling I say get over and it and move on. To his gay friend I say save that talk for people you know won’t be offended by it.
— C.Lawrence 03/08/2011 Reply
We don’t know the context here. Were you joking with him and giving him s**t about something and he “joked” back? Cat was dead on that you had a line and he crossed it without knowing it. Thinking about his side, it’s not like he did anything so bad to deserve your never talking to him again. But I also tend to agree with Daphne that maybe he was kind of testing the waters with you. IAnd by the way it’s not really gay talk, it’s “men doing a bad impersonation of women.” I hate to say it but if gay men spoke with regular voices instead of fake ones they wouldn’t turn people off. (I don’t care if a man is gay, I care if he’s putting on a show.)
— MadDog. in pittsburgh 03/08/2011 Reply
“I hate to say it but if gay men spoke with regular voices instead of fake ones they wouldnât turn people off.”
Wow. You do enjoy stereotyping don’t you, Archie Bunker?
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 03/08/2011 Reply
Well, the guy in the first letter is over-reacting. The fact that he used the word shows to me that he felt comfortable with you — apparently, too close for comfort for you.
Man, don’t be such a homophobe. Just because he called you a “bitch,” doesn’t mean you are his “bitch.” This isn’t prison. It’s just an office.
Just go talk to the dude and say, “Hey, you can’t say that in the office. People might get offended.”
Say it, be done with it. Get on with life.
When we were kids, I used to gay-bait my brother all the time — although only at home. Of course, he shot me in the eye with a BB gun. But that didn’t stop me from continuing it after I got my eye patch removed.
The second guy should talk with the ex. There’s definitely something up. And if she says, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That’s code for, “It’s definitely you,” which means that you’ll need to figure out what you did and 1) correct it so you don’t do it in the future, and/or b) correct it and repair the relationship.
— Mike, Downtown 03/08/2011 Reply
On the first letter – even though they were in the office, the author says they were talking about the weekend. There is no indication that anyone else was there or that they were in a business meeting. I think Cat’s advice was right on.
— PB from NY 03/08/2011 Reply
My Call: I get the sense that STILL BOILING wasn’t crazy about the friend to begin with because you don’t stop speaking to a friend for something like that, and they work together too, so that’s really an in-your-face silent treatment. It’d be different if they didn’t see each other very much. It’s like the friend finally gave him a reason to unfriend him. It wasn’t a good reason and it makes BOILING look bad but I agree with TJ it doesn’t scream homophobic, I think it screams I just don’t like you.
— Catfan, Pittsburgh 03/09/2011 Reply
STILL BOIILING needs to cool off. A colleague with whom he also shares a non-work relationship jokingly called him a name while they were discussing weekend plans. And for this he’s irate? He seems a bit obsessed with this guy’s sexuality and seems to think everyone else shares this obsession. “Oh no, he called me a bitch. Now everyone will think I’m gay because they’re constantly monitoring every word said, looking for hidden meanings.” He needs to get over it, and get over himself as well. I really doubt his coworkers care as much as he seems to think they do.
I’ve heard a good friend of mine jokingly called a bitch a few times by his gay best friend, but I’ve never doubted his heterosexuality any more than I have when I hear straight guys call each other bitch.
— Maria 03/09/2011 Reply