Columns
Tired Of Hearing Friendsâ Problems? Ignore Them! Plus, Kids Cause Tension In Their Relationship
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
DEAR CAT: Sometimes I feel like everyone uses me as a therapist. I feel like I should charge my friends a fee for hearing all their problems all the time. I’ve been doing this at least since college. All I do is listen to these people who think the world’s going to end because theyâre single and I think, âwhat is your problem, things could be worse!â I’ve had a lot happen in my life and these âfriendsâ were never there for me. I finally rebelled by ignoring them. My problem is caring too much and I feel bad for ignoring them or saying âtough luckâ but I can’t help it, I’m just too fed up dealing with other peopleâs problems when I’ve dealt with my own problems alone. Your call? — THE DR. IS OUT
DEAR DOC: Your problem isnât about caring too much, itâs about having the wrong friends. Iâm sure your life has been hard – everyoneâs life is hard, at least sometimes. If your friends are too selfish to support you, youâre wasting your time with them. Likewise, if you view their problems (singleness, loneliness, etc.) as unimportant, your âtherapyâ isnât helpful. Do remember there will always be topics that donât bother you but deeply trouble others. The key is to be patient, lend support when needed and pull back when appropriate. Over time youâll learn the difference. In the meantime, donât abruptly end all your friendships. Catâs Call: Use that rebelliousness to find new ones.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating a man for almost two years. We are both divorced, in our late 30s, and each have two children. He and I get along great but when we bring our kids into the picture there is tension between us (plus his children irritate me and vice versa). His kids are older and live with their mother, so if marriage is in our future they would probably never live with us. But my children would, and I can’t see it being a peaceful situation. I am happy in the relationship for the most part, so do I continue seeing him even though I know what difficulties the future will bring? I would hate to lose someone I love over “what ifâs.” — POSSIBLE STEPMOM
DEAR P.S.: Itâs impossible to know what the future will bring. Thatâs frustrating but it can also be exciting. You assume to already know exactly what will happen but there might be few problems. Right now there is tension with his kids; youâre just a girlfriend with her own children, not their fatherâs wife and their loving stepmother. The best antidote to tension? A stable, warm, loving home. By showing irritation youâre creating the opposite environment. Remember, if you get married it will be your and your husbandâs responsibility to set the tone in the home. After two years together youâre happy âfor the most part?â Thatâs a red flag. Do you want to marry this man? If yes, have a serious conversation about your future, your fears and what kind of stepparents youâll be. If noâ¦Catâs Call: Youâve answered your own question.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, “Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call is about “The Dr.” from the first question. I’ve been in the position before where everyone looks to you for advice. I thought it would end when I hit my 30s but it doesn’t. What you have to do is push your own case, in a way. If people are used to coming to you and having you listen to their problems you have to do the same thing. You can’t wait for people to ask you “are you okay?” all the time. Do what they do and see if things don’t change. Also it’s good to speak up and come out and say “I need to talk”. Independent people (like me) don’t think about that but it’s a good idea.
— Candice NY 03/09/2010 Reply
Hey Cat. This is in response to the Dr. is out. My wife has pretty much the same personality. the phone seldom rings when the first words out of my wife’s mouth is “oh no” so I can add my two cents worth with a little experience added to it. Unfortunately a person with a caring character as “dr is out” draws unintentionally the problems of the world. If she chooses to downplay these particular friends she will most likely attract a whole new group of friends with other problems. And it’s not like these people are just full of problems. This is the only side the “care giving” personailty ever sees. When it comes to just being light, going out, and having fun, well they have other friends to do that with. I would not be suprised if “Dr. Is Out” has the same issues with family members and you can’t readily get rid of family. Maybe instead of getting new friends attempt to change the relationship by inviting hte problem people for a night out of fun like dancing, gaming, or just hanging out that doens’t put you at a table and chair to sit and talk. Go somewhere noisy where no one can talk. Sounds silly but at least she should get a little fun out of it. There are other ways to care than to listen to others problems. Oh no no more.
— C.S., Pittsburgh 03/09/2010 Reply
Well, to the Doc, I have to say people evidently do want to confide in you because your either good in giving advice, or what’s more likely, just because you listen to them. It’s tough to find people who will listen, as you’ve found out because noone listens to you about your own problems. Sad to say, but you have to find someone as accomodating as yourself to listen to you about your problems; evidently, your current friends are not the compassionate listener that you are. I wouldn’t say you have to get rid of your current friends, you just shouldn’t expect them to listen to your problems. And if you’re tired of listening to their problems all the time, then just don’t listen to them anymore; they might dump you as a friend, but that would indicate that maybe they were never very good friends anyway.
As for Possible Step-Mom, although we don’t have much to work with with the facts you’ve presented to us, seems like you’re fighting an up-hill battle with the kid situation; but what it comes down to is this: do you want to have a future with this man? is it more or less important to you than the discomfort you might have with the kids? Seems like you should do what Cat suggests and weigh the factors out, but keep this in mind: the kids are more likely to mature and grow up; you’re just getting older.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 03/09/2010 Reply
I can’t have a lot of sympathy for someone who thinks their friends single lives aren’t important. To a lot of people being single is really hard and depressing. Ok Dr. so you’ve been through a lot in your life but that doesn’t mean living the single life isn’t equally hard for your friends. Show a little sympathy and maybe you’ll get it in return.
— Carrie in Pittsburgh 03/09/2010 Reply
I agree with Carrie’s comments. I would have more sympathy for “The DR.” if it sounded like she had any sympathy for her friends. And it does sound like she wants sympathy. There’s not even anything wrong with that sometimes and I was with her until she said her friends’ problems “could be worse.” I’m sure many people would think that about the Dr.‘s problems too. Everything is relative.
— Brian 03/09/2010 Reply
I had a close friend who was a single parent with a child. She married a man who was a single parent with 3 children. In the end, the kids drove them apart. They had radically different ideas about raising children and could not coexist under the same roof, even though they were both nice people who got along well otherwise. I also know people with kids who waited till the kids were grown up and out of the house before getting married, and it worked out better. If he’s the right person but the kids aren’t, they have to figure out how to compromise on that before getting married.
— nn New Jersey 03/09/2010 Reply