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Girlfriend Keeps In Touch With Exes & Their Families Can't Pay For The Wedding But That's Not Stopping Them
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating a girl for a little over a year. Everything is going amazingly well and weâre seriously discussing our future. She wants to take the next step (living together) and the topic of children has come up. I am happy except for one large issue that she thinks nothing of: She keeps in close contact with ex-boyfriends. Not just one from a long time ago, or one where things ended well and they remained friends, but all of them. She even emailed with one whoâd been mentally abusive. Whenever weâre together, one of them calls or texts, even at inappropriate hours. Why would anyone want this in their lives? I have a few long term exes and there is occasional contact at best. I just donât see what good can come from what she is doing. Most people accuse me of jealousy when I bring this up but Iâm just looking for an objective opinion. — LOSING MY MIND!
DEAR LOSING: It sure sounds like everything is going amazingly well, when sheâs not talking, texting, and emailing with other men. Why does she want this in her life? Because she likes the attention. Youâve fooled yourself into believing she thinks nothing of it but if your ex-girlfriends called all the time, sheâd be singing a different tune. Talking about the future is wonderful but moving in together wonât solve this major problem. Signing a lease is easy, but if a relationship is really taking the next stepâ¦Catâs Call: Saying goodbye to past loves and lovers should be easy, too.
DEAR CAT: What do you think of a thirty year old man and his live-in girlfriend of three years (with whom he has a three year old son) announcing to their families that theyâre finally getting married, with a full blown church wedding and reception, and they expect their parents to foot the bill? The girlâs family said they donât have the money to pay for it and the man’s mother is a divorced single mom raising a grade school child, and she has difficulty making ends meet. The couple pretends not to hear this and continues to make wedding plans, counting on the money to come from both sets of parents. I think they should save until they have the money to pay for it. After all, what is a couple more years at this point? â SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION
DEAR SHOW: If theyâre set on getting married ASAP itâll be hard to change their minds. However, if thereâs no money to pay for it, it wonât happen, at least not on the scale theyâd like. The biggest preparations (reception location, caterer, flowers) require deposits so planning wonât get very far. I do wonder about your role in this scenario and why it bugs you so much. If youâre close to the couple you could help them gain perspective by making the friendly suggestion to wait until they can afford to contribute. Another suggestion is to get married at a local magistrateâs office and plan a big party for their first anniversary. It may not be traditional butâ¦Catâs Call: Itâs a romantic way to go.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My Call: If the couple can’t afford to pay for a big blow out wedding but they CAN afford to live together and raise a child they’re ahead of the game compared to most people and they should realize that. I don’t understand why people want huge and expensive weddings. It’s such a waste, unless you’re rich. This couple is stupid if they’d blow tons of money on a wedding instead of putting it toward their son’s future. When he’s older and needs money for college or whatever they’ll look back and think “that was $10,000 that could have grown all these years.”
— iamhere --Pittsburgh 04/12/2011 Reply
In response to Losing. You should make your feelings abundantly clear to your girlfriend before you move in. There is nothing abnormal about the way you feel. Even if you don’t feel threatened by these men it is still normal to feel uncomfortable about her desire to remain in contact with them. My suggestion would be to sit her down and calmly tell her your feelings. DO NOT move in with this woman if you don’t feel comfortable.
— Brandon - Pittsburgh 04/12/2011 Reply
The relationship of CONSIDERATION’s writer to the family in question is not specified. So my question is, why isn’t SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION showing some consideration for the fact that it may well be none of his/her business?
Beyond that, we don’t know what the families have promised. They may be absolutely ecstatic that the parents of their grandchild are finally getting married, and want to help as much as they can.
But as a recent newlywed, I can also say that when in the first steps of planning the wedding, it is hard to realize just how much you can be smacked in the face by the cost. They might not know what that what they’re planning has a high price tag, and as Cat said, when no one will pay for it, that’ll resolve itself.
As for the advice about having a reception a year later — well, the reception is most of the cost of the wedding, so that doesn’t really help. However, a nice backyard or park reception with family or potluck catering can be a really nice and inexpensive way to bring friends and family together for the reception!
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 04/12/2011 Reply
You’re wrong when you say it wouldn’t help if the couple waited a year to have a wedding-type party. It’d be much cheaper to do that because going to a restaurant or having a great house party is substantially less expensive than planning a “wedding reception” where costs are always higher, plus they could use the year to save up. I agree with IAMHERE’s point about having the ability to raise a child and live together but claiming poverty when it comes to planning a huge expensive ‘do.’ This couple is way out of the nest and should be acting like adults. If your family can’t help with costs and you can’t even contribute anything to your own huge wedding, you shouldn’t have one. I completely agree with Cat about an anniversary being the more romantic option in this case. Big deal that you can procreate and live together already —-try being married and then see if you make it.
— Sarah, East End 04/12/2011 Reply
On the first story – It’s a no-brainer, and clearly Cat got it right – if the roles were reversed, and he was in constant contact with ex-whomever – she would be doing back-flips in protest.
On the second one – With relationship norms changing – living together, having babies, downplaying the importance of marriage – people need to realize that there is a trade-off. You can’t have it all – if you scoff at the concept of traditional marriage, then all of a sudden have an epiphany, and want the walk down the aisle in the long white dress, it just isn’t the same. If you want the quick thrills – you risk the long term satisfactions which come with traditional courtship and marriage. Yes, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think too many selfishly want to play both sides of the fence.
— Ben VA 04/12/2011 Reply
RE: LOSING MY MIND!
Time to move on and find a woman worth marrying.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 04/12/2011 Reply
Dear Losing my Mind,
I’m a single woman and the only reason I’m not in a relationship is because I’m still getting over exes, one in particular. I know it would be so much easier if I wasn’t in contact with him but I guess I’m holding out hope that we’ll get back together at some point. I say this is what your girlfriend is experiencing. On the one hand she doesn’t want to be rude if she had friendly breakups but on the other hand when you’re with someone you really want to be with you don’t want to conitnue communicating with past guys because they become unimportant to your life. I hate to say this but I don’t think she’s in love with you, not like you are with her. I’m sorry if that sounds terrible. You shouldn’t waste time (or money in a lease!) until something really feels perfect. I’ll put it this way, I wouldn’t offend a current boyfriend by contacting my ex because it’s not fair. Plus if he was okay with that contact I’d be disappointed.
— C.L. Pittsburgh 04/12/2011 Reply
Cat,
You may not remember me but I had emailed you a few months ago and said I had finally agreed to one of your answers after reading your column periodically. The one I agreed with today was the one about the âfriendâ with the couple who had been living together for three years, etc.
My wife and I, after living together for three years (had dated for a previous two years), we got married at the magistrates office. We still had a reception, 4 days later. But what we did is ask our guests (the close family members of the guests) to bring a dish. We never asked either of our parents for any financial help with the reception (we did have a cash bar, that helped) as in our minds we had been living together like married for three years, it was now our responsibility to pay for our own wedding. By the way, my wife had a 5 year old son from a previous relationship and we had our 5 month old daughter at the wedding and reception also.
— John 04/12/2011 Reply
For the bloke who’s girlfriend is in contact with the exes, he should become another ex, too. If she really cared for you she would cut off the level of contact she is maintaining now. While it is possible she’s just clueless and oblivious about how this looks to you and others, it is probably a sign she is either totally selfcentered, or wants at least one of them back and will dump you in a second should one of them offer.
As for the wedding, sounds like they, too, are totally self centered and immature. No way 30 year olds should expect their parents to pay for a wedding, especially since they got the whole family thing out of order ( yes, I’m old fashioned ). My wife and I paid for our own wedding and reception 20 years ago, we were both mid 20s and working. It was hard and made us question every expense, but we were both working, independant adults and never thought of asking our parents to foot the bill. This couple needs to consider your answer and the other options, and grow up.
— Wertzro in Pittsburgh 04/12/2011 Reply
So, in the second letter. If I was the father of the daughter, I would look at it this way:
He shacks up with my daughter, knocks her up and gives her a bastard child. Then he wants me to pay for the wedding? I don’t think so. He’s in his 30s. He’s an adult. Pay for it yourself.
That would be my take on it as a father.
In the first letter, I agree with C.L., who says that the girlfriend hasn’t let go. But to hold on to all of her exes is a serious problem for that relationship. Don’t worry, however, because one day he might join the legion of exes who stay close to her.
— Mike, Downtown 04/12/2011 Reply
C’mon Mike – that’s a little hard edged with the “bastard child” talk. He’s a three year old boy who couldn’t control the circumstances under which he entered the world.
— Ben VA 04/12/2011 Reply
If you’re 30-something and living on your own – pay for your own wedding.
— Lori, Coraopolis 04/12/2011 Reply
Wow – Show Some Consideration was writing in for input on the wedding cost/payment plans of the couple, and several commentators have focused upon the fact that the couple already had a child in a very judgmental way. That was not the point of the inquiry, although I think it was mentioned as evidence that the couple have been together some time and are adults. Having a child when you are in a committed relationship does not mean someone is “downplaying the importance of marriage” – I don’t even know what you mean by that, as marriage can be important to someone but not a requirement before procreating. And who still says “bastard child”…really Mike?? What century are you in?? Stop imposing your so-called moral judgments on others, and talk about the issue at hand – should the couple expect family to pay for their wedding? I say no, but the writer was also very vague on their role, so I question his/her motives too.
As for the first writer, if your girlfriend were occasionally talking to an ex, with whom she remained friendly (and I mean a few times a year at most), that could be a sign that she is a reasonable person who did not burn her bridges in past relationships. However, the constant talking/texting/emailing and at all hours is a HUGE red flag. It is about her not respecting the relationship with you, her time with you and your feelings. She is definitely hanging on to the past too much – no different than the guy who wants his mom or parents to come over every day or the woman who would rather be with a friend/girlfriends more of the time than with her boyfriend. You need to speak calmly to her about the fact that she is not focused on her relationship with YOU. In this case, I say she does need to go cold turkey and stop talking to these guys because the guys chatting her up definitely are not just thinking she is a casual friend. She did not set appropriate boundaries with them, and so she needs to just focus on YOU and cut them out of her life, at least for a long while. She can send them a Christmas card to stay in touch, with a Xmas letter/mailer informing them about her boyfriend and her life with you. If she is not willing to see her behavior as unfair, then find a new girlfriend.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 04/12/2011 Reply
I think that you answered your own question – “marriage can be important to someone but not a requirement before procreating”. Really? That’s exactly what I meant by downplaying the importance of marriage. Traditional relationships have a normal chronology – dating, engagement, marriage, children. How confusing can that possibly be? What exactly didn’t you understand? You may not agree with it – and personally I don’t care – but the point being made isn’t difficult to comprehend.
— Ben VA 04/13/2011 Reply
Let’s see, your girlfriend is constantly texting her ex-boyfriends and you haven’t immediately put an end to either your relationship or her texting?
Now, I know why she is texting her ex-boyfriends… grow a pair, and be a man.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply