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Too Tired To Save $10,000 and Dinners Are Getting Her Down
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
DEAR CAT: I’m getting married next March. I didn’t have any money saved up so I took a second job. I’ve been there for a year and saved up $5500. By September I will have $10,000.00. I wake up at 5:30am for my first job, then I work until 10pm, sometimes not getting to bed until midnight. Then I do it all over again the next day. Itâs hitting me hard and I’m tired. My question: do I suck it up and work seven more months or quit now without reaching my goal of $10,000.00. I havenât even exercised in weeks because I’m so physically tired. I’m exhausted and need advice. I don’t know what to do!! — SOOO TIRED
DEAR TIRED: I really hope all the money youâve saved is also for your marriage, not just your wedding. Itâs mind-blowing to think youâd work yourself to the bone only to find, the day after your honeymoon ends, that all you have to show for it are crowâs feet and an out-of-shape bod. Youâve got the âsuck it upâ part backwards. What you should suck up (i.e. accept) is that itâs crazy, nuts and flat out cuckoo to push yourself to the point of unhealthiness to earn ten grand, then blow it! Give yourself a break before this routine breaks you. Otherwiseâ¦Catâs Call: If you keep going like this, youâll need that money for physical therapy.
DEAR CAT: I have a group of girlfriends that I love and we always go out to dinner to celebrate our birthdays. The last few times were not fun for me, and also a big expense. Iâm having financial difficulty and Iâd like to do something different but they prefer to go out to eat. My friends have young children (my daughter is 26) and the talk always turns to complaining about the kids. Is there something wrong with me that I love the girls, just not their kids? Iâve complained in the past, too, but one friend always talks about her son being bad and the evening revolves around this discussion. I try to change the subject but it doesn’t work. For my birthday I suggested breakfast and a walk in the park, but then it went back to expensive dinners for the others. What do you suggest? â BIRTHDAY BEAT
DEAR BIRTHDAY: Thereâs nothing wrong you and thereâs no rule mandating that you must adore all children and their antics. Itâs beyond boring to discuss little Bobbyâs bad behavior all night long and your friends should wise up to that fact. If changing the subject hasnât worked, keep at it because itâs the only polite thing to do. As for altering the dinner plan, if your friends want that for their birthdays, itâs nicest to go along with it. But since they are your friends you should feel free to be honest – about your hesitancy to spend so much, and your desire to change up the plan sometimes. I have a feeling theyâll understand. A leisurely hike, ice cream & manicures, rental movie marathon – there are a million things to do besides going out to dinner. Catâs Call: When youâre with friends, almost anything is fun.
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Why are women obsessed with going out to dinner? That’s a good call on taking a hike. I don’t know about ice cream & manicures but hey I’m open to the idea. Women make birthdays a big production and a big expensive dinner is a nice idea but hell just have a few drinks or grab lunch. “Birthday Beat” is stressing about something that isn’t really important.
— Tom in Pittsburgh 04/13/2010 Reply
Could it be?? There is a woman who thinks spending an exorbitant amount of money on a wedding is crazy? There is, I say. They name is Cat.
— John, LA 04/13/2010 Reply
Just imagine what ‘SOO TIRED’ will look like on her wedding night. Can you say “annulment?”
— David USA 04/13/2010 Reply
Hi, Cat: I have to wonder about “SOOO TIRED.” I guess that tradition dictates that the bride’s family pays for the wedding, which is clearly not happening here. If this woman’s family does not have the financial resources to foot the bill, it is understandable that she would still want to have a nice wedding — even if she has to pay for it herself. However, she is clearly working herself to death to achieve this goal. My question is, why isn’t her fiancee helping out with this? Does he watch her work 16 hours a day while he works 8? This does not sound like a couple with equal interest in the marriage. She ought to quit her second job, call off the wedding, and take a nice $5,500 vacation (without the fiancee)! Maybe she will meet a guy worth marrying when the time and finances are right.
— Bob, Maryland 04/13/2010 Reply
I agree that BIRTHDAY has a right to tell her friends what she wants to do on HER birthday, but she really needs to relax about what the others want to do on their own birthdays. If she cannot afford the dinner and drinks and finds the conversation boring, she should opt out. She mentions she’s already stated her preferences and nothing has changed – the only person you can change is yourself.
— Marcy, Pittsburgh 04/13/2010 Reply
Soooo Tired – don’t beat yourself up. You obviously have a great deal of drive to do what you’re doing; but quit hurting youself. Cut back on the expense of the wedding if you have to in order to maintain your well being. We don’t know enough of the facts about who is paying for and contributing to this wedding; but just don’t destroy your own health.
Birthday Beat – sounds like you’re just going to have to beg out of some of these dinners. People offered some good ideas about trying to change the event, but you’re not going to be able to run the show all the time. As for the monotony of hearing about your friends kids all the time …, I guess that goes with the territory; maybe in response you can try to bore them with a topic of your own choosing. ;-)
— Carm in Pittsburgh 04/13/2010 Reply
Hmmm – interesting that most of the male comments assume SOOO Tired is female. I thought it was unclear from the post. And the “tradition” of the bride’s family paying for the wedding is really a dead one. Most couples try to share the cost, and the families help if they can. It is ridiculous to spend an exorbitant amount on the wedding, so I agree killing yourself to save is not worth it. I’m sure a nice wedding party can be planned for close to the amount saved already – unless you plan to have an open/nice bar and the guests are drinkers – then the bar tab will be one of the biggest expenses, lol. My advice is to have fun and enjoy the day – forget about your hang ups. No one will care in 3 years much less 50 about the type of flowers, the color of the dresses, etc.
As for the birthday dinners, I disagree that her angst is not over something important, since her friends are clearly important to her; but Birthday Beat is NOT being clear about her budgetary limits with them. If they are her friends, they will understand. My friends and I often set limits, such as one person saying she/he can go to dinner but nowhere too expensive AND we speak up if someone chooses a place that is unaffordable. If the venue is already chosen or you feel you cannot speak up in advance then you could say “I’d love to come/go there but it’s not in my budget this month, so have a nice time.” They will get the message and change plans in the future if you suggest alternatives AND they are true friends. BTW, I love the idea of a hike, or a picnic in the park , or something outdoorsy/healthy.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 04/13/2010 Reply
i know men who want to spend $$$$$$ on weddings, esp for food and location.
i hope both partners are working towards the wedding, if not, i hope they can scale back or delay it another year. from what i have experienced, a big traditional stuff wedding often leads to a stuffy marriage…. so i hope that you can both relax so that your marriage will last longer than your wedding day.
Male posters—-nice assumptions. for all we know this is half of a gay couple saving up to travel to the place where they CAN get married.
— zippy, pittsburgh 04/13/2010 Reply
I agree with Karen C…the “tradition” of the family paying for a wedding is very outdated. If a couple is old enough and “mature” enough to get married, they should be paying for the wedding. I would never expect my parents to pay for mine. I think that is just selfish on the couple’s part. I won’t be spending a ton of money on my wedding. We prefer to save our money for our new house.
— Mary, Pittsburgh 04/14/2010 Reply