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The Perils Of Workplace Compliments & Wife's Flirting Is The Least Of Their Problems
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
DEAR CAT: As a man, what are the rules about commenting on a woman’s appearance in the workplace? I try to be friendly with the ladies in my office; I don’t ogle them or hit on them, but sometimes Iâd like to tell a girl that her top looks really nice, that red is a good color on her, that her perfume smells good, or that she just looks darn pretty today. Iâm afraid the attention would weird them out, or they could misinterpret a compliment as an advance. Where do you draw the line? — PRETTY INNOCENT
DEAR P.I.: Workplace compliments are tricky. For example, noticing a female coworkerâs perfume can be creepy. A harmless âthatâs a nice scentâ could sound like âyou smell gooood.â Likewise, commenting specifically on a womanâs top is risky because âthatâs a very pretty blouseâ could make her feel ogled. It may sound ludicrous, but frequent or overly-detailed compliments with words like âprettyâ translate as you eyeing a colleague in a non-professional way. Stick with basics like an occasional âyou look nice today,â or at most, âgreat haircut!â Itâs fine to laud someoneâs efficiency or presentation style but when it comes to personal appearanceâ¦.Catâs Call: Draw the line at anything that could be misconstrued.
DEAR CAT: I have been married for 20 years. Right after we married I started to notice things about my wife, like her constant flirting. Itâs gotten her into a ton of trouble and ruined my career in the process. It doesn’t matter who it is; if someone is in her line of site she enters an almost-trance with bedroom eyes. We went to marriage counseling and she admitted to it but said she didn’t know she was doing it. Huh? She’s had countless boyfriends (i.e. affairs) and she slips up by telling me about them in weird ways. Why do I stay with her? My family is plagued with divorce, I hate it and no one is going to raise my kids but me. The two things about her that drive me nuts: 1) her flirting and fooling around, and 2) she’ll tell anyone anything, like she doesn’t have a filter in her brain on what to say. Help! — WHY DO I STAY?
DEAR WHY: Iâm sorry to hear this story. Itâs disheartening and frustrating, especially because your wife is perfectly aware of her flirting and sheâs just playing dumb and you know it but canât admit it. Marriage should bring a sense of safety and comfort but yours brings sadness and, apparently, the downfall of your career! So here it isâ¦You stay because you respect the institution of marriage. You stay to challenge all the divorces youâve seen. You stay because her behavior has ensured your jealousy and insecurity. And you stay because you donât want to be alone, even if that means being miserable. Remember, you may feel like youâre raising your kids alone but they see and feel all the tension and unhappiness. If therapy hasnât worked for you as a coupleâ¦Catâs Call: Itâs still a good idea for you alone.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Let’s see the man has been married for over 20 years and knows that his wife is screwing other men… smells like a cuckhold to me.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply
I am not a psychologist but it sounds like this man’s wife may have a personality disorder such as Histrionic or Borderline Personality Disorders.
In either event, no man should stay with a woman who completely disrespects him and their marriage vows. Staying in this environment sends the wrong message to the kids. If one the children is a boy, he will probably grow up thinking that mommy’s behavior is normal and he will seek out a wife or partner who engages in similar behavior and who will treat him with the same disrespect that his mother shows all of them.
My advice to this man is: break the cycle of dysfunction now! Take yourself and your children to see a psychotherapist so you can figure out what is wrong in your family and avoid its recurrence in the next generation. You and your children deserve better!
— Shay, Pittsburgh, PA 04/19/2011 Reply
In response to Shay: Your call, not to make a pun on Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs. Shay, how did you know about this? It’s right on target with my wife but the problem is there doesn’t appear to be a cure.
— Why do I stay? (Houston, TX) 04/25/2011 Reply
I will never understand how a man stays with a woman who cheats, and vice versa. I know couples where there was infidelity once maybe and they “work past it” according to them, but this kind of thing, no way. STAY’s wife is an attention whore, or just a whore whore, and he hates himself for staying with her but he’ll continue to do it. He wants her flirtatious attention. She wants a divorce she’s just too chicken s**t to do it, and so is he. She’s waiting for someone better to come along first. That’s why she turns it on the second she sees any other men.
— John, NV 04/19/2011 Reply
You can never understand because you don’t know what a cuckhold is, and I will bet that man is one.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply
I know what it is, I can’t understand how someone can be one.
— John 04/19/2011 Reply
Just like I can’t understand how someone can rape or murder or steal or etc.
There is no sense in trying to understand it, except to know that some men “get off” on that kind of stuff.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply
Cat hit it on the nose with “frequent or overly detailed compliments.” There’s a guy in our office who never misses an opportunity to give a compliment to the point that it seems fake. It weirds me out a little bit when a guy you work with compliments your shoes. I mean, come on. If you completely change your hairstyle and office mates notice it, that’s nice. Otherwise I say complimenting is usually awkward.
— Kim in Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply
What is wrong with complimenting a female co-worker about her shoes? I think the problem with Pretty Innocent is in the selection of words and the frequency to which he pays his compliments.
Saying to a female co-worker, “Those shoes are very cool!” Or, “Those shoes are very nice, which brand are they?”
Is much different than, “Those shoes are hot and make you look good” or “Wow, those shoes are sexy.”
Big difference and the creepiness factor is based on how often and what is said, not on what is complimented.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply
Dear Cat:
I find this letter to be very disheartening since I myself would give anything to have such a devoted man in my life. Being single at 50 is not fun, since there are no men around who live in my area that are not just looking for someone to take care of them. I myself come with no baggage at all..no kids, no ex, no family drama! Why can’t I find that?
This man is silly to stay with someone who not only cannot be in love with him, but, disrespects him and the kids. I hope he doesn’t stay because of the kids, because, believe me, the kids can feel things and know that something is not right. Plus the examples being set here are horrible! I feel sad that he seems to not care anything about his self worth in all this. Aside from the kids, just because there has been so much divorce in the family, is not a reason to stay in this marriage. Get divorced, find a good woman who truly loves you, and move on. Either way, don’t stay and show this example to your kids. She is aware of her behavior and continues to do it, but are you aware of yours at being a doormat and allowing her to do it, knowing you will be right there. Send him my way! I’m available!
— Melissa 04/19/2011 Reply
Well Melissa,
If you are 50 and can’t find a devoted man, maybe you should try joining a group or activity.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/19/2011 Reply
The answer to PRETTY INNOCENT is pretty simple. Unless you’re friends, keep your mouth shut. There’s no reason at all to compliment someone’s looks in the workplace, it’s NEVER appropriate. If you’re dealing with a friend, however, you shouldn’t have to worry about what’s appropriate, unless you’re a social misfit who doesn’t understand the boundaries. (Does this doofus tell his male colleagues that they look ‘nice’, too? ‘Cause that would creep me out.)
— Captain Obvious 04/19/2011 Reply
The gentleman who wrote concerning his flirtatious wife might want to consider whether she would agree to some psychological counseling. The behavior she is – and has been – exhibiting is often found in adults who were molested as children. If he is dead set against divorce, but being made very uncomfortable by his wife – and if his career is being affected by the behavior which she says she can’t control, it might help her to have some insight into just why she does it to start to forego it.
Childhood molestation as a cause isn’t necessarily a “sure thing,” but anyone who is being destructive of her relationships might well have some unresolved problems. Another problem with it, aside from the problems it causes her husband, is that children often copy behavior from their parents, and they can be little sponges that way.
How many times in the course of raising a child does a parent hear his/her own words, complete with inflection and body language, coming out of the mouth of the child? Oops, we think, but mostly, no harm is done. Sometimes, though, some is done. This isn’t just a case of “can he live with it,” but it is also, “do I want my children to be like this, in turn?”
— Carole M., Waynesburg, PA 04/19/2011 Reply
I knew three people with weirdly intense propensities for flirting. I later found out that one had been a preteen drug runner and prostitute at a foreign army post; one had been molested by her brother as a child; and one was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder (he was flirting/trying to kiss me on the day he married my sister and I’d only met him two or three times).
— Mo, Erie, PA 04/19/2011 Reply
On the compliments question I agree with Captain Obvious, and Cat. There’s really never a reason to compliment someone’s appearance in the workplace. On the flirtatious wife, omigod this man is sad sad sad sad sad. Cat couldn’t be more right. You’re so insecure due to her flirting/fooling around but at the same time so wishing for that capricious attention to be directed to you. Maybe it IS a cuckold thing in that sense. Ugh take a walk—to your lawyer’s office and get a divorce, or you have nobody to blame for your unhappiness but yourself.
— Cathy, NYC 04/19/2011 Reply
Thank you for answering my email via your article but it opened another question for me. Why do you think my wife flirts so much and in the open for all to see and why can’t she keep anything to herself.
— Why Do I Stay? 04/19/2011 Reply
My call: she does it to send you a message, “I want attention from other men.” Or more like “I want other men.” If you were looking at your situation from outside, how would it look? Pretty bad. Quit trying to figure out why she does all this because it’s been 20 years already, what are you going to do, think about this until you’re 90? I feel really bad for you, it’s like your stuck in desperate denial and you’re not doing yourself or your kids any favors. I agree with Cat, you should seek therapy and get strong enough to face this head on.
— Sarah in PGH 04/19/2011 Reply
Dude, you are a cuckhold and maybe donât even know it. Obviously, sexually, you do nothing for her and she gets her orgasms through other, most likely well hung, men.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/20/2011 Reply
To Why Do I Stay?
What everyone is saying is true, although ‘LeBron’ does so with the utmost insensitivity and obnoxiousness. You say she can’t keep anything to herself but that’s the same thing as all the flirting, you see whether she’s talking about her personal business or trying to hook up with other men, it’s all the same. She craves attention and I think if she found another man who would put up with her, she’d leave you. After twenty years this is beyond repair. When you’re talking about her having multiple affairs there’s no way to ‘fix’ this marriage at this piont. I think LeBron trivializes women’s sexuality because this isn’t about orgasm (she might have none at all) it’s about attention. Attention attention attention. She will never have enough. Some people are like that and your wife is one of them. Unfortunately it’s not a great lesson for your kids.
— Thomas in Pittsburgh 04/20/2011 Reply
You keep saying “your” … as in your wife and your kids.
I got news for your buddy, it is YOUR wife and kids.
Make “I” statements and take ownership of your own words.
You are afraid to admit that you are a cuckhold and are embarassed about it.
Either be one or don’t. And if you choose not to be one, then divorce her ass.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/20/2011 Reply
To Why Do I Stay, think about your kids and the environment they are growing up in. The longer they stay in it, the worse for them. If you get out and share custody, you will be doing them and yourself a huge favor by providing a “normal” home at least at your house. They are learning all kinds of wrong things about families and life and so many other things. Choose to be happy and put the kids first by providing some foundation here. Think about it.
As to why your wife has no filter, you have put it perfectly. She speaks without thinking. It’s called poor judgment and lack of self-awareness, for whatever reason. If you can’t communicate with her about either of these issues, you might need to get out of the marriage. Remember: divorce does not equal failure. Choosing a life of misery and making your kids miserable and dysfunctional – THAT is failure. Believe me that your kids are suffering too. Take some time away on your own out in nature and think about your priorities in life, then take charge and model some wisdom for your kids.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 04/20/2011 Reply
Workplace compliments are tricky so stay away form making them. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a nice compliment unless they don’t think it’s nice. If you are creepy it’s a creepy comment.
— Creepy in Pittsburgh 04/20/2011 Reply
If the female coworkers are your friends, then I don’t see anything wrong with providing a polite compliment to her hair, shoes, outfit, etc.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 04/21/2011 Reply
On the second letter, she is not “slipping up” by talking about her affairs. She intends to make it totally obvious to her husband and anyone else what she is doing. For sure he should get counseling to get up the courage to get out of this marriage, which he should have done long ago.
— PB from NY 04/21/2011 Reply
Compliments should be limited to accessories (nice bag, scarf, etc) and be directed towards friends and peers, less often to underlings as this association is more likely to appear creepy. The knack to giving a nice compliment is to be approachable (do you talk to a lot of people, have a fun side) and be spontaneous. Don’t say anything that hints you may be “taking notes”, have noticed a trend, or have a favorite look. “Red is a good color for you” violates all of these, since the implication is you noticed other outfits in the past, and reds are your preference. That’s real creepy. Office dress codes generally result in bland or neutral apparel, it’s usually something a person wants to go unnoticed, so stay away from that unless you’re good friends. Accessories, on the other hand, usually are attempts to break with routine and uniformity, so please notice and compliment.
— TL in NC 04/23/2011 Reply
To answer Lebron. No I’m not a cuckhold and yes I know what one is, a person who gets off having their spouse have sex with others. Here’s my situation. I was in sales and my wife had an affair with one of my customers behind my back until I caught them. I went after the guy and long story short I lost my job and career over it. I’m 52, unemployed and that’s why I can’t leave, I can’t afford to. Not to mention I can only see the endless line of guys coming through my wife’s bedroom in front of my kids…..so as long as I’m here?
— Not a cuckhold 04/25/2011 Reply