Columns
He Wants To Know Why Women "Go Ugly" & When To Admit An Old Mistake
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
DEAR CAT: Do women purposely âlet themselves goâ after getting married? My friendsâ wives were attractive until a couple years into being married. Then they went the stereotypical route; they gained weight, stopped wearing makeup and nice clothes, their hair got messy, etc. This is a big reason why men are afraid to get married. Iâm not trying to stir up trouble, I would really like to know this from the perspective of an unmarried woman. â A FAIR QUESTION
DEAR FAIR: Iâm not trying to stir up trouble when I suggest youâre either too tough on your friendsâ wives, you have a skewed sample, or an immature and unrealistic view of women. My guess is all three. The short answer: once a relationship matures, people get comfortable and stop trying to impress each other superficially. That said, thereâs a fine line between comfort and slovenliness. Iâll see your point, some women do change after marriage and not for the better. But to raise you one, for every woman who âlets herself go,â thereâs a man who stops buying flowers and gets to work on his moobs and spare tire. Such is life, and chances are you find the wives unattractive but their husbands do not. As for menâs fear of marriage, when theyâre adult and mature and really in loveâ¦Catâs Call: Most of them find their girlfriends, fiancées or wives especially hot with messy hair.
DEAR CAT: Never in a bazillion years did I imagine writing to an advice column, but here it is: more than 30 years ago I had a brief affair that ended my marriage. I learned my lesson and I have never, ever done such a thing again. Here’s the problem: I am interested in a very nice man whose marriage ended when his wife had an affair. He is understandably bitter, hurt and gun-shy. I know I will eventually tell him the truth about myself, but at what point is this advisable? I don’t want to confess too early and scare him off, yet I also don’t want to wait too long because I don’t want to give the impression I am hiding something. How do I deflect direct questions, if they come up? Or should !? — WHEN AND HOW TO FESS UP
DEAR FESS: Despite the common belief that omission is equal to lying, in the early stages of dating thereâs only so much âpast infoâ people should share. Dredging up unpleasantness from the past not only kills the mood, it influences how people view you in your current life stage. But honesty is paramount, so if youâre asked a direct question (like âwhy did your marriage end?â) itâs best to offer an honest, simple version of the story. As for when to spill it, wait until youâve developed a good rapport and a sense the relationship is going somewhere. Everyone makes mistakesâ¦Catâs Call: If he canât forgive yours, thatâs his prerogative, and your cue to move on.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
A Fair Question,
It cuts both ways! Yep married women let themselves go and so do men! Want proof? Just walk around your local city. I’ve seen it with some of my friends. The truth is there are many reasons this happens. Like my father use to say “You love it I like it!”
— Carl Germany 04/20/2010 Reply
Good morning, Cat!
I am an absolutely happily married man, so I feel like I can speak to A Fair Question’s question well. I am incredibly blessed by the woman I have married. She is an amazing mother, who, without an MD degree, can diagnose and treat everything my children encounter and contract. Without attending cooking school, she provides delicious and varied meals. She is a superb homemaker, an excellent money manager, and loves her kids like crazy! She is smart and insightful, humorous, and far and away the sweetest person I have ever met. Since she is married to me, she must also be the most patient and compassionate woman on the planet, too. Four kids and 10 years of marriage have only served to make her STILL the most incredibly gorgeous, lovely, beautiful, sexy, hot woman I ever have, and ever will, see! Now keep your eyes off our wives, sir! You do not see much at all, if what you stated above is all you see in them.
Cat, great column as always!
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 04/20/2010 Reply
Couple of quick tips to “A Fair Question.” Number one, a happy marriage is built on the continual pointing out of each other’s flaws, particularly physical ones. It can be direct, or subtle, i.e. “ are you sure you want that supersized?” Second, every holiday is an excuse to purchase your spouse workout equipment as a gift. Third, don’t just focus on the negative, use positive comments about other people as motivation. If you think a particular actor/actress is attractive, point out what you like, i.e. “wow don’t you wish you had abs like Matt McCounaghy? I sure wish you did.” And don’t limit it to celebrities- point out hot people on the street, at the mall, or especially friends and family members. “Wow, your sister looks incredible. I didn’t realize a person could lose baby weight so quickly.”
Hope this helps.
— Jason from Cranberry 04/20/2010 Reply
Wow, Jason from Cranberry. I really hope that comment was sarcastic. If it was, you rule.
If not, you suck.
— Aubrey in Pittsburgh 09/23/2010 Reply
Your Advice is horrible! Neither sex should let themselves go! Is the moral of the story… and if his wife is part of a liberation of letting the body go, he has every right to question the situation as much as anyone would.
Terrible – By your logic, Let the guy join a Beer League… Because that’s what you Alluded too
Non Cats Call: If your wife’s friends are ‘over the limit’ and she joins the team, – Tell her politely about how You Yourself want to lose weight, and if she exercised with me together, she would keep me motivated, and how she would look so much better than she already does and her friends would be jealous…
HOW Do you NOT know This?
— Chris 04/20/2010 Reply
Jason from Cranberry, are you married? If you are, boy do I feel bad for your wife. I sure hope you were joking when you said “happy marriage is built on the continual pointing out of each otherâs flaws, particularly physical ones”
To A Fair Question, do your friends have children? A lot of times women “let themselves go” because they have no time for themselves while they are changing diapers, doing laundry, running kids to soccer practice, cooking dinner for their husbands and working full time. Who has time for makeup and curling irons while doing all of that?
— Jeana in Pittsburgh 04/20/2010 Reply
When and How:
I am a guy who had a wife leave due to an affair and yet married a girl who did basically the same thing. I can tell you that it can be tough but if the commitment is there and your relationship is built on truth and trust, then it can work. Now I have 17 years of marriage to prove it. Peace
— Bob from Pittsburgh 04/20/2010 Reply
Response to “A Fair Question”.
This situation is fallout from a saying which, in my opinion, best captures most pitfalls in relationships between men and women:
“Women get married, expecting that their husbands will change, and they don’t. Men get married, expecting their wives won’t change, and they do”.
God has a sense of humor. Deal with it……
— Ben - Virginia 04/20/2010 Reply
For a Fair Question: Your immediate problem is that you are clearly oversimplifying women in general, or, as Cat said, your test sample is skewed. The majority of my married friends look as good now as when they were married years ago; but even if some people change their looks (both men and women do), it is not for you to judge. If their spouse is happy, that is all that matters. If you think you would fall out of love with someone because they gain some weight, don’t wear make-up, get a little belly or lose hair, then you are the shallow one.
As for Jason, I assume you are being REALLY sarcastic & Ben hit the nail on the head for some people – and those people are always disappointed! lol
As for my experience, I love and find my man attractive when he looks his worst AND when he is all spiffed up. He tells me I am beautiful without make-up (that is the real me after all) and even with some baby weight. When our weight goes up, we talk about being healthy and make changes, but I would love him even if he were to lose his “looks” in some way. That is because there is far more than just looks in a relationship. You will be happier if you learn that now.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 04/20/2010 Reply
My call: both the “Fair Question” and Cat are right. Like it or not, a lot of women let themselves go after getting married and many of them don’t wait a couple years either. It’s not pc to say it but many women could argue ‘that’s the real me’ and a husband appreciates it. Sure your husband loves you and appreciates you but if the real you only comes out after you get married, and the real you is lazy and unmotivated to take care of herself then you didn’t give him a fair shot of knowing you before walking down the aisle. Cat you handled this question deftly. You’re right men like messy hair. Meeeeow.
— Pete in LA 04/20/2010 Reply
To a Fair Question. I have to agree with Cat on this one. I am not married but I have several married friends who’se wives have “let themselves go,” after a few kids and they still look great to me. I would like to think that once you fall in love with someone they will always be beautiful to you and personally I cannot imagine anythihng sexier than a chubby girl with a great smile who bore my children especially if she is willing to make me a sandwich after we make love! :)
— once bitten, Pittsburgh PA 04/21/2010 Reply
Wow! Great Column and Reactions this week. The Fair Question question is too controversial for one correct response – LOL. I think the dynamics of whether a couple is satisfied with each other’s personal appearance depends upon that particular couple; some relationships will work, no matter what, and some relationships won’t work, no matter what (ie., there is no one right answer). The various comments and answers offered by the readers demonstrate that. As for Fess Up, I think that Cat makes the right call here: you don’t want to mess up a new relationship by saying “Hey, I cheated on my first husband!” At some point, hopefully you will have demonstrated that you currently are a great and dependable and loyal partner; and if and when the question of your past fidelity does come up, you can start your answer by saying something like, “I wasn’t always this great; way back when, I made some mistakes ….”
— Carm in Pittsburgh 04/21/2010 Reply