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Does Viewing Porn = Cheating? Her Boyfriend Thinks So & Swearing At The Dinner Table
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
DEAR CAT: My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years and living together for about eight months. Our sexual relationship has always been very good; at least thatâs what I thought. I recently discovered she views porn on the Internet. I discovered this by accident and innocently. We share a computer and a site popped up when I was typing in a search. I thought it was just the search engine trying to predict what I was searching but I have since found evidence that she views these sites frequently, even on nights after weâve made love. At first I was a little surprised and curious, but now I feel like she is cheating on me by fantasizing about other men. I do not view this type of material. Should I approach her about this or let her continue with her fantasies? â FEELING BETRAYED
DEAR FEELING: Most people would be bothered to learn their sexual partner is 1) secretly viewing porn all the time and 2) doing so after sex. But the type of material isnât as relevant as the fact that you feel threatened and betrayed. Despite the âevidenceâ youâve found and how you found it, you should calmly approach your girlfriend about all this. Since you share a computer (big mistake) something like this was bound to happen and I wonder if she didnât anticipate it. Keep in mind that fantasizing is normal and she could very well be imagining you, even if sheâs âpromptedâ by the material she views. And rememberâ¦Catâs Call: Being in love, faithful and curious about sex donât have to be mutually exclusive pursuits.
DEAR CAT: My wife and I are friends with another couple. We have dinner together twice a month, once at their house, once at our house. Itâs been a nice tradition, but I think itâs over due to my behavior. You see, they donât allow swearing in their house (not because of kids, just as a general rule). I accidentally swore a few times at our last dinner (I said the food was âdamn good,â and I apologized!) and a few days later the wife told my wife they wonât tolerate anyone âdisrespectingâ their home. They wonât commit to another dinner and it seems like weâve lost them as friends. This seems overboard to me. Whatâs your call on this? â DAMN SORRY I OPENED MY MOUTH
DEAR SORRY: I find their de-friending reaction just a bit dramatic but your friends have every right to set rules in their home and the burden is on you to respect those rules. You may consider âno swearingâ a tad stringent. I may wholeheartedly agree with you. But you and I think hanging with friends means taking it easy and escaping lifeâs pressures. Darn it all, not everyone is so devil may-care! In the end theyâve probably done you a favor becauseâ¦Catâs Call: Having to edit yourself through a friendly dinner sounds like more work than fun.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I have been telling my wife for years that it is normal and healthy to view adult images and videos on the internet, sometimes for hours on end, and often at the expense of spending time with family or friends, or doing needed home improvements and general chores. If I privately email you her cell phone number, could you possibly send her a personal text suggesting she chill out a little? Thanks in advance!
— Jason from Cranberry 04/27/2010 Reply
Well to be honest, Feeling Betrayed sounds like he is not in the same place as his girlfriend, and it sounds like they may have completely different personalities. That’s not to say that they don’t or won’t have a great on-going relationship; if he can just forget what he has innocently found out about her. On the other hand, I think he might want to make sure her secret lifestyle doesn’t go much beyond the fantasizing. As for Sorry he Opened His Mouth (lol) CAT, you hit the nail on the head; sounds like those dinner parties are less than a party.
— carm in pittsburgh 04/27/2010 Reply
Double-standard here Cat. If a guy were looking at porn after sex with his girlfriend, you would postulate that there’s something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, that he doesn’t find her sexually desirable enough, that he has some problem that he’s not letting her in on, or any combination of the above.
I happen to agree with you… if viewing porn enhances someone’s sexuality and they have a satisfying sex life, I don’t see a problem. They are both adults, as long as she’s not viewing child porn or something, have at it!
— Tom Jones 04/27/2010 Reply
About ‘Feeling Betrayed’ I was a bit curious over your answer to this writer and was wondering if your advice would have been exactly the same if it were the woman writing in and the man doing the looking.
— R.C. 04/27/2010 Reply
My call: there’s no question ‘Feeling Betrayed’ is actually a woman writing about her boyfriend. I know Cat probably sensed this too but if she said that everyone would yell “double standard!” I think Cat hit this one right….if your s.o. looks at porn after sex all the time, that’s an issue to be dealt with. You should be satisfied enough after a good bout in bed that you don’t need porn THAT night. And the fact that she’s hiding the porn material shows it’s something of a problem. Once a couple is living together there shouldn’t be those kinds of secrets.
— Carrie in Pittsburgh 04/27/2010 Reply
My call: Anyone who looks at porn frequently has problems. Especially after sex with someone you’re supposed to love! I love sex but there is only so much ‘sex among strangers’ you can see until it becomes unsexual and more like an Animal Planet documentary. People comment here about how it’d be different if Cat got the question from a girl about her boyfriend but there’s no difference. Cat’s response said (and I agree): this secretive behavior would bother anyone in a relationship and they need to discuss it ASAP.
— Josh, New York 04/27/2010 Reply
No swearing at the dinner table? LMFAO! Those people can hear all manner of curse words the second they’re outside of the house but they get all strict as soon as they shut the door. LOL. What kind of tightasses are they? Forget it I know the answer. I think you’re right Cat that you should respect someone’s house but there’s also the point of a host respecting their guests, and if a guest says the food is “damn good” they should be happy and appreciate it. Good riddance to them.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 04/27/2010 Reply