Columns
He Failed To Impress With His Single Dude-Ness & Her Mother-In-Law Wants An Official Title
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
DEAR CAT: After two successful dinner dates with a woman Iâve been seeing, I invited her to my condo for dinner. I thought hosting dinner at home would be casual and comfortable, a great opportunity to ditch the fancy threads and show the real colors, right? So I wore a pair of mesh shorts and a long sleeve baseball shirt. She showed up in designer jeans, a snazzy sweater, long earrings, and makeup. She didnât comment on my clothing but she did point out the “single dude-ness” of my condo, which is admittedly populated with a futon, bar stools, and a TV. Was I totally off with my thinking about the climate of the evening, by prioritizing comfort over appearance? Your thoughts are appreciated. â DISHEVELED DUDE
DEAR DUDE: Good grief, man, you werenât watching a game with your buddies, you were entertaining a new love interest in your home. Casual is good butâ¦mesh shorts? I hope you mean the long basketball kind. Scratch that, I hope youâre joking about the whole outfit. You didnât prioritize comfort, you made âI Wonât Even Try To Look Goodâ the theme of the evening. Jeans and a cool t-shirt or simple Oxford would have been totally comfortable. You were just preoccupied planning the third date hookup. You probably rented a movie and halfway through it you offered her a massage. No matter what, in the future, if you want to date women, dress like a man. Catâs Call: Not a boy trying to score.
DEAR CAT: My parents-in-law (specifically my M.I.L.) are upset that I do not call them âmom and dad.â I feel those titles are earned, not a given just because I married their son. My M.I.L. has been holding onto this issue since they got the thank-you card from our wedding reception over six years ago. Iâve tried explaining my feelings by saying Iâm not comfortable calling them âmom and dad.â After all, my parents are still alive. My M.I.L. could never be described as warm or caring and I doubt my position on this matter will change. When she sends cards, she signs them âMom and Dadâ and under that writes their real names, as if I’d be confused. Please provide a definitive answer on this issue. Are âmom and dadâ automatic titles for in-laws? By the way, she never called her own mother-in-law âmom!â â WHOâS MY MOMMY?
DEAR WHO: Iâm happy to report there are no automatic titles you must use to address your parents-in-law. The goal here is to use a term of address that makes you feel comfortable. Itâs perfectly appropriate to use first names; thatâs generally how adults refer to one another, whether or not theyâre related. I imagine your M.I.L. feels slighted that after six years you havenât given in, but I suspect her not-so-subtle hints come from a good place, not a rude place. Just continue to address her as you always have. Itâs fine if she wants to call herself âmomâ but…Catâs Call: You donât have to do it, too.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Re: Who’s My Mommy
My father developed an elegant solution for the what-to-call-mother-in-law. He called her “Mums” or “Mumsy”. She was delighted.
— Susan Wensel 04/05/2011 Reply
Thank you for everyone’s thoughts. I was thrilled that Cat answered my question!
To me calling someone “mom” is about the relationship. It’s built over time and yes, is earned. It’s hard to personally like someone who insists on behaving like they are 12.
It’s nice to know, I am not alone in my stand. To be honest, I have a mom and to me, it would be completely disrepectful to her – to call someone else mom. I do however like the idea of Mrs. MIL. I’m sure that would likely only upset her further though.
— DIL 05/03/2011 Reply
I have just one comment for the whole single dude post: Hahaha!
— Charles, PGH 04/05/2011 Reply
Holy crap. That first question is hilarious. We guys are so clueless, especially when in our 20s but that could extend through our 30s and beyond.
Dude, this is a potential girlfriend — not one of your buds. You gotta save that outfit for after you get married and both of you pack on another 20 pounds. But before that point, dress like an adult. You’re trying to attract her — not shock her.
The whole “Mom” and “Dad” things is totally overrated. My siblings have had a lot of spouses. Some we liked. Some we couldn’t stand. Some used “Mom” and “Dad,” and they were horrible people. Some didn’t — come to think of it, some of them were horrible, too.
If you don’t like the person, then don’t feel compelled to call them that. After six years, I would have thought that they would have given up by now. But some people never let anything go, do they?
— Mike, North Hills 04/05/2011 Reply
She never really comes out and says she doesn’t like the M.I.L. – although she does note that M.I.L. is not a “warm and caring” person. She also claims M.I.L. has not “earned” the title “Mom”. Both of these may clues may suggest she doesn’t like M.I.L., but again, she never overtly makes that claim.
I believe what we have with M.I.L. dearest is a person who, once something gets under her skin, just can’t let it go. I think it’s very interesting that M.I.L. didn’t call her own M.I.L. by the title “Mom”. Hmmm…., maybe there is a connection there….
— Ben, VA 04/05/2011 Reply
Cat, she doesn’t have to call them “mom” and “dad,” but in my upbringing you don’t call a person a generation older by first name without permission.
— I.P., Jerusalem 04/05/2011 Reply
And one more thing. Almost certainly, minutes after she left, she called either her girlfriend, mother or sister to talk about the man-child she just visited.
And if you think the mesh shorts and baseball T were a mistake, it will be an even bigger mistake if you try to get her to admit that she called someone.
You’re down to two choices: 1) Apologize and ask for a second chance, if you think this is a relationship worth pursuing. 2) Move on and don’t do this again.
Either way. Live and learn.
— Mike, North Hills 04/05/2011 Reply
The mesh shorts question garnered a true LOL from me, I actually laughed out loud. You hit this one dead on Cat, this guy was totally thinking about the third date hookup! Mesh shorts + loose shirt = easy access. I laughed when I read the rental movie/massage comment. I’m still laughing! Every single woman has faced that tired ritual and had to play dumb like he’s the first guy to do that. LOL, and about her “snazzy sweater” sorry I keep laughing. Snazzy?? Yep this guy’s with it!
On the mother in law question, I call mine by her first name and it’s never been an issue. She told me in the early days that I was welcome to call her “mom” but I said I preferred her name and that was it. I can’t say for sure but this MIL seems to have a little chip on her shoulder. The writer says she’s not a warm person so that might be the clue. I agree you should keep calling her whatever you call her now.
— Sarah, East End 04/05/2011 Reply
I think there are far deeper issues going on with the MIL question. As another poster observed, the writer does not like her MIL. The problem with this situation is that it will never change, she will always be her MIL as long as she and her husband are married. If they have children, this woman will forever be her kids’ grandmother. When two family members don’t get along, it is felt throughout the family. Many issues can turn into Mexican stand-offs and every battle seems the ultimate cause. Here is the secret, not all battles are worth fighting. This is obviously greatly affects the MIL, maybe she regrets not having a close relationship with her own MIL. I don’t advocate being a doormat, but maybe the writer should give in on this issue. It really doesn’t seem worth it and it could warm up the MIL. I have seen too many family relationships ruined because all parties were unwilling to forgive and make an effort. They focus on past fights and are unwilling to compromise. In the end, everyone loses.
— Renee, Bethel Park 04/05/2011 Reply
I just read your column regarding what one should call his/her parent-in-laws. Although I agree with your assessment in the case of American culture (i.e., there is no definitive right or wrong), this is definitely not the case when there is a cultural divide between the families. I just went through this exact situation and learned that in Chinese culture, it is understood that you should call your parent-in laws the same term as your spouse refers to them. I am not Chinese. My wife’s parents are Chinese; although, she was born in the U.S and is definitely more American than “Asian.” We were both caught off-guard when we learned how offensive I was being by calling my in-laws by their first names (as my wife does with my parents). I even requested and received permission from my in-laws before doing so. In the long run, however, everything has worked out and I continue to successfully surf the cultural divide by using the old tried-and-true method of communication.
— Surfing the cultural divide 04/05/2011 Reply
I have experience with both situations. Regarding titles for in-laws — I married into an old money family where things are done in a certain way and especially about things like this. I have always addressed my mother in law as Mrs. Smith (for example) and the same for her parents, my grandparents-in-law. They would consider it rude and probably “low class” for me to use a term like “mom,’ that’s far too touchy-feely. I have to agree with Cat here. The MIL may want her to use the term “mom” but it’s touchy-feely for this woman and she shouldn’t bend. I know it can be hard for a MIL to ‘get over it’ but even in my situation if my MIL insisted I use a certain term to address her and it made me uncomfortable, I wouldn’t do it. You’re already married to him, you don’t need to kiss her butt.
Regarding the man’s clothing for the date —- if I hadn’t experienced the same thing myself on more than one occassion I might not believe this story. But it’s very common! This man knows the difference between fancy threads and casual clothes and gym clothes. Never fall for this act, single women! Laziness in this area means laziness in the relationship and perhaps marriage. A man who doesn’t take pride in his appearance now will embarrass you later. And he doesn’t deserve your attractive company. If she showed up for that date wearing no makeup, unbrushed hair, chipped nail polish, etc…he’d write to Cat and complain.
— Jessica 04/06/2011 Reply
sorry – I think cat’s call is off on the name thing.
Everyone deserves to be called what they like.
I use a short version of my name – only my mom calls be by my full name.
I never introduce myself with my full name – yet my sister in law uses it.
In 29 years, I always respond with “oh, you can call me __, all my friends do.”
Names are not earned.
It would need to be earned if the writer needed to refer to her mil as “my mom” – but gee. Just call her “Ma” or “Mum” – or something.
I was told NEVER to call person as old as my own mother by their first name, unless the specifically requested it – out of politeness.
Alternatively – sit down with the mil – and say, that you feel uncomfortably calling her mom, she feels uncomfortably with you calling her by her first name. Perhaps you can figure out an alternative (ie: “mom” in another language)
thank about it – this is a sign of respect and manners (whether you believe it is earned/deserved or not)
— names 04/06/2011 Reply
Everyone deserves to be called what they like??? This isn’t fairytale land it’s real life. The woman in the question is uncomfortable calling anyone “mom” besides her own mother. Period. Cat is right about this one. You are wrong. This is very easy to understand. Names are not earned??? That is true but titles are earned and “mom” is a title. This mother in law may view herself as “mom” but her daughter in law doesn’t see it that way and she should respect that. The term “mom” to some people is extremely important and only goes for their own mother. Accodring to the letter she’s already sat down with the MIL and told her she’s not comfortable with “mom” and that should be the end of it. Stories like this are why MILs have repuations for being a pain in the ass and bossy.
— Shawn 04/06/2011 Reply
I married a widower with adult children. They all call me by my first name – no problem there. Most of the grandchildren do not really remember their original grandmother, but one of them, when he became an adult, decided that he could call me by my first name since I was not really his “Grandma”. I never discussed this with him, but my feeling is that if he does not view me as “Grandma” then I don’t feel a need to act like his Grandma – he’s just another nice young person as far as I am concerned. He probably doesn’t know or care that every card or gift that he received from us was picked out by me, and that every visit we made was at my insistence.
I think in the case described it would be worth going the extra mile to try to come up with a title that both the DIL and MIL feel comfortable with. After all, hopefully the kids will be married for a long time, so the fewer issues there are like this the better.
— PB from NY 04/06/2011 Reply
Excuse me Disheveled Dude while I pick myself up off the floor. A baseball tee and mesh shorts??? Are you kidding me? If you wanted to get that comfortable, why didn’t you just wear your boxer shorts and a pair of old socks? I am sure that was your third and final date!
— Rose, Charleston SC 04/08/2011 Reply