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He Wants To Paint, Not Parent & She Wants To Show Off Her Relationship
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
DEAR CAT: My sister is a full time professional with two children, and the familyâs primary breadwinner. Her husband is a part time, temperamental artist who stays home and works on his art. He does no housework or cooking, and if she asks him to help around the house he becomes enraged, hostile, moody and antagonistic. In short, he can be intimidating. Heâs never been physically abusive but he did once throw an item at a wall. Lately my sister is hesitant to contribute to family events, out of fear that heâll get angry. She wonât even ask him to watch the kids while she gets her hair done because he gets annoyed and she doesnât want to deal with his anger every day. I want to say something to him but Iâm afraid it will backfire and heâll take it out on her. Am I paranoid or does this seem like an unhealthy relationship? Should I butt in, or butt out of my sisterâs marriage? —WORRIED
DEAR WORRIED: Yes, itâs an understatement to say the relationship seems unhealthy. It sounds downright miserable. Normally Iâd say butt out but since you used the word âenragedâ to describe his moods, that merits a conversation. But you should talk to your sister, not to her husband. Unfortunately thereâs not much you can do other than show understanding and support. Since you know so many details about their home life, your sister has obviously relayed them to you, which is a sign of her unhappiness. Yet your sister chooses to stay in the marriage and ultimately you have to respect that choice. However, if his temper escalates to the point where heâs throwing her against the wallâ¦Catâs Call: Feel free to butt in by calling the police.
DEAR CAT: My boyfriend and I met a year ago through work. It’s not against company policy for us to date but we decided to keep the relationship a secret. The reason: many years ago my boyfriend took a woman out to dinner and he heard inappropriate comments from his colleagues for almost a year. I do not want to hear gossip about me, but I would like to start including my boyfriend when I spend time with my coworkers outside of the office. While I know they would respect my word to keep things quiet, I’m afraid several of them are bad white liars and soon my boyfriend’s colleagues would hear of our relationship. Should I just not worry about the office talk or should I continue to keep this relationship hidden? —SECRET AMONGST THE CUBICLES
DEAR SECRET: Itâs never good to hide a relationship. Despite the colleaguesâ comments about one of your boyfriendâs long-ago dates, I doubt his buddies would have the gall to gossip about you (insulting someoneâs girlfriend crosses the line). Funny how you âknowâ theyâll keep it quiet yet you fear theyâre white-liars. Obviously you donât know whether you can trust them, but even so you deserve to enjoy your relationship out in the open. Soâ¦Catâs Call: Go for it!
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat gave really good advice this morning. I definitely would not have been so understanding of the “artist”; he sounds like a loser to me.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 04/06/2010 Reply
When someone stops showing up at family events or anything else they’d normally attend, it’s a sign that something is wrong. I don’t doubt for a second that the artist is abusive. The family should start showing up unannounced at their home for “spontaneous” visits with the kids. “We were just in the neighborhood” is an oldie but goodie. Then the ‘artist’ will feel like he has to be on his best behavior.
— John, Pittsburgh 04/06/2010 Reply
Why would any woman want to marry a “temperamental artist?” Can’t you just picture how egotistical that guy is, he sounds like a spoiled brat if you want to know the truth. Aside from that point any man who won’t care for his children or help take care of his own home is a loser.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 04/06/2010 Reply
Cat’s right. Worried should not get into it with the temperamental artist (he doesn’t owe her any explanations). She should tell her sister what she thinks of the arrangment when her sister brings it up.
I think Worried has certainly done that and is asking for permission to butt-in and take on her brother-in-law herself. That’s a bad idea. You can’t run your sister’s life and you shouldn’t try. This is the man her sister chose and they are raising a family together. It doesn’t require Worried’s approval.
— Mark Freeport 04/06/2010 Reply
Even if he has never been physically abusive, the artist is abusive and controlling. Worried should try to help her sister as best she can, and not confront the artist. The best outcome would be for her sister to end the marriage without being injured, but who knows if she is strong enough to do it, or what might happen in the process.
— PB from NY 04/09/2010 Reply