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Choosing A Side In A Friend's Divorce & She's Waited Years For Her 'Great Guy'
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
DEAR CAT: Since graduating from high school ten years ago Iâve kept in touch with five good friends. Two of them married six years ago and have now filed for divorce because of infidelity on her part, when their baby was barely 8 months old. Iâve severed all connections to the wife but I still keep in contact with the husband (I was always more fond of him than her). Only one of our group of friends has also sided with the husband, while the others are not really picking a side. One friend even invited both of them (plus dates) to her upcoming wedding. My question: is it really possible to not pick a side, especially with infidelity as part of the equation? This, fortunately, is my first divorced friend, so I’m not really sure what the standard is. Whatâs your call? â TAKING A SIDE
DEAR SIDE: Most âgroupâ friendships would be strained by tough subjects like divorce or infidelity and there is no standard response. Many people would stay neutral by separating themselves from the coupleâs marital problems and focusing on the individual friendships. Even though you are unable to do that (which is understandable), when youâre among friends you should at least act neutral for the sake of everyone involved. Cheater or not, sheâs the mother of your friendâs child, and she and her soon-to-be ex husband have that connection forever. Remember, you never know what the future will bring â they could get back together andâ¦Catâs Call: You donât want to be the person who badmouthed the wife.
DEAR CAT: â¨I have been with my boyfriend on and off for years. We have been back together for less than a year and although we get along, he is struggling with our relationship and sometimes thinks of me as a friend rather than a girlfriend. He says he sees a future with me and he’s trying to work through it but I’m afraid we might not get past the lack of romance. He is a great guy, that’s why I’ve stayed around, but I’m beginning to feel hopeless. How long do I be patient? ⨗ TAKING IT PERSONALLY
DEAR TAKING: Fine, hopeless, struggling, lack of romance. What a delightful list to describe your relationship. Just so you know, there are lots of truly great guys out there who would be in love with you all the time. Every day. Monday through Sunday. Cool, huh? Your beau shouldnât have to âstruggleâ to think of you romantically and you shouldnât spend any more time committed to a man who sometimes thinks of you only as a friend. Date him, if you must, but donât make him your âone and onlyâ unless youâre over the moon for each other. Iâm a romantic who believes great love is worth waiting for, but youâve already waited on this guy for years. If he cares for you but doesnât love you, thatâs not a crime. Butâ¦.Catâs Call: Itâs the best reason to move on.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I was in a similar position to “Taking It Personally” and eventually I decided to break it off. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made but I met my future husband later that year (when I was still somewhat heartbroken) and our great romance made me realize I’d wasted time on someone who wasn’t right for me. He was a ‘great guy’ too but not great for me. My call: follow Cat’s advice and give yourself the chance to find the right ‘great guy.’
— Carmen in PGH 05/11/2010 Reply
Taking a Side – Probably other factors go into this: (1) who were you initially friends with before the marriage; (2) what led to the wife’s infidelity; (3) and as Cat suggests, is there a possibility that they will get back together. This list goes on and on. Maybe you should do what The Bard suggests (or, at least what one of his characters suggested) “to thine own self be true.” Since you know all the factors (well, maybe you do), after you consider them, behave in the manner that you feel is justified. Sometimes we take sides for a good reason (it’s justified; it’s justice; it’s right). But one more thing; don’t behave in a manner that is going to make you feel bad about yourself; you didn’t create the dilemma, so don’t make yourself miserable about it.
Taking it Personally – Start planning the wedding, and see how he reacts. ;-)
— carm in pittsburgh 05/11/2010 Reply
My question is, how do you KNOW it was infidelity? When I got divorced, (I filed), my ex told everyone I was unfaithful, including mutual friends — friends who were my friends initially (including one college roommate who then became friends of his) — and I had kept our marital problems (including his infidelity and alcohol problems) quiet to protect our children and prevent our friends from having to choose sides. Well, once my ex started telling people I was the unfaithful one, I watched as “friends” chose his side! Needless to say, I learned who my friends REALLY are, but others should remember that the only two people who really know what happens in a divorce are the two getting the divorce.
— Kathy in Pittsburgh 05/11/2010 Reply
‘taking it personally’ – take it personally is right! take it from me, someone who did marry (and is still married to) their best friend and is receiving just that, a friendship with a tax discount. Romance is something I YEARN for, it’s all I need to make this a perfect marriage. No matter how many times I address the situation, I am beginning to realize you cannot force him to alter his ways, only he can change the way he acts by following his feelings. Only after speaking to close friends do I realize that I may not be completely happy unless I seek other routes one day… it’s so hard to even grasp, but if you want to be desired, theres someone out there and its not your current beau.
— Allison in pittsburgh 05/11/2010 Reply
You should always always always side with the spouse that you would be more likely to date in the future.
— Jason from Cranberry 05/11/2010 Reply
Just like my mom used to say, “There’s always another fish in the ocean.” If the guy isn’t right for you, there’s no need to waste any more of your life on a dead end.
As for that first one, man, I wouldn’t get into the middle of that for all of the gold on Earth. Wait until the dust settles and just try to be as friendly and nonpartisan as you can.
— Mike, Downtown 05/11/2010 Reply
Taking it personally-While marriages have their ups and downs, I can not imagine staying or marrying a man that thinks me only as his friend. I have been married for 35 years and he is my best friend, and my boyfriend, and my husband! Cat is right, there are great guys out there. Find one that loves you, and likes you.
— Kit in Waynesburg 05/11/2010 Reply