Columns
Do You Like This Woman? Get Ready To Pay & He Was Dumped With No Warning
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
DEAR CAT: I have always believed the point of a date is to see how much a guy likes you. To me, ordering expensive things on a menu is a litmus test for a manâs generosity. Also, and this is not meant to be unladylike, if things at the end of the date go well and you âmess aroundâ or sleep together, he didnât get something for nothing. My friends disagree with me on this point but I think a man should be happy to spend on you. Your call? â IâLL HAVE THE LOBSTER
DEAR LOBSTER: Youâre brilliant, you found a way to legally prostitute yourself without looking like an obvious hooker. The point of a date isnât to see how much a guy is willing to spend, itâs to see how much you like each other. Some of the best first dates cost nothing at all. Likewise, some dates cost tons of money and end up being duds. Generosity takes many forms other than money (in your case itâd be generous for a guy to take you on a second date). If ordering a $75 bottle of wine and filet mignon is your idea of assessing someoneâs characterâ¦Catâs Call: Youâre the cheapest date on the planet.
DEAR CAT: I am so lost right now. I was with my girlfriend for almost a year and I thought we were in love. Our relationship was special and electric. We almost never fought and we agreed that we could see being together forever. Long story short, one weekend trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriend and everything changed. The day after I picked her up at the airport, she dumped me. She said she was moving to Vegas and wanted a clean slate; that she needed time for herself, and if weâre meant to be, it will be. She didnât give me a solid reason except that she cannot find work and she needs to do something on her own (which is absurd because her parents pay for almost everything). How she can throw our relationship out the window? Why does she need space? Was that just an excuse? Was she unhappy? I have so many questions. More than anything, she was my best friend and I miss sharing my life with her. I need closure. â LEFT TWISTING
DEAR LEFT: Sadly, sometimes relationships just donât work out and closure only comes when heartbreak ends. I know youâre hurting but deep down Iâm sure you realize you probably missed some red flags along the way. The very fact that you dismiss her need to âdo something on her ownâ tells me you might not have known her as well as you thought. It sounds like she did give you solid reasons but because they seemingly came out of the blue youâre unwilling to believe them. Was she unhappy? Probably. Did she love you? Probably. Did a carefree weekend away spur her to action sheâd wanted to take for a long time? Probably. You never know what the future will bring. I know you miss her but give her the space she seeks andâ¦Catâs Call: Use the time to figure out your own feelings, not hers.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat, I love your answer to Left Twisting. A guy did that to me a couple years ago and there really were no signs beforehand. I realized then that there had to be a good reason but over time I stopped wondering about it. You’re right that a person can love another but not stay with them. Maybe that happened to Twisting, maybe not. I feel bad for him because I know it really hurts. But he’ll be okay. My ex eventually came back and I was with someone else (I still am) and I just told him there were no hard feelings anymore but I was over him. Maybe Twisting will get that chance too.
— Kate in Pittsburgh 05/18/2010 Reply
Re: Lobster Lady
You certainly called this one spot on, Cat. Her attitude toward men, their wallets, and her body is atrocious. She should come with a warning label.
Re: Left Twisting
I was in this position once. I had started a ‘relationship’ once with a great young woman, though for much of the time it was long distance, as she was working in Florida and I was working in her home town and knew her parents well. We were becoming the best of friends. Still, I started thinking she might be the perfect woman for me as a spouse and not just a friend. As things happened, I ended up moving to Florida to take a job at the school she worked in (no, really, it could be seen as very coincidental). I had been praying about her and for her for about 8 months, and I was certain we would get married, when she told me that she didn’t know how she felt about me, and as she did not want to lead me on, she requested that I not call her or come to see her anymore. This was almost immediately after I moved down to Florida, and she was still about the only person I really knew here. I cried my eyes out for about a day or so, then honored her request and kept my distance (a neat trick when you work in the same small school), but still went back to praying for her again. A month later she told me she knew we would be married, a month after that we got engaged, and five months later we were married on a picture perfect day! That was 10 years ago. She was/is worth that painful separation until she knew how she felt.
Great column, Cat!
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 05/18/2010 Reply
Cat – Are you sure you’re not making these up? “Lobster” reads like something out of Penthouse Forum….. If true, it’s scary that there are women out there like her. No wonder I’ve been single and looking for over 15 years. (I know you’re out there – where are you??????)
— Ben - Virginia 05/18/2010 Reply
My call: Good answer but Left Twisting has the right to demand a better answer from his exGF. Katie in Pitt, that’s good you had no hard feelings when your ex came back but Twisting guy was screwed in this relationship and the burden isn’t on him to be understanding. He gave “almost a year” of his life to her and she takes a girls’ trip, then comes home and walks out??? What a bitch. Yet another reason not to pick up people at the airport!
— John, Left Coast 05/18/2010 Reply
I forgot to comment on Lobster Lady: I can see her doing to a man what Left Twisting’s GF did to him. Ben from VA, I get the sense this woman really feels she’s in the right and was hoping Cat would give the opposite kind of answer she got. BTW Cat, good for you for sticking it to her. That question isn’t about money it’s about the way Lobster was raised and taught to appreciate other people, and relationships. She’ll be divorced twice by the time she’s 50.
— John, Left Coast 05/18/2010 Reply
Good Grief! Lobster belongs at the bottom of the sea. Left Twisting, your girl is maybe not quite as bad as Lobster; she souns like she is just mostly (I was going to say typically) confused: read Anna Karenina and/or Madame Bovary and maybe you’ll decide that the gender trait your are experiencing is universal, fixed and invariable; and certainly not unusual. Don’t let your former perfect girl destroy more than about 3 or 4 months of the rest of your life with extended sorrow; maybe she did you a favor by breaking up now. In the near future, try to find the next perfect woman for yourself, but go in with your eyes open as to all the likely possibilities.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 05/18/2010 Reply
Cat, your column today is EXCELLENT. Erin Burnett should take a lesson from you if this list of “ways to impress her” is any indication of what some women expect a man to do (pay) for them.
— J.L. New York 05/18/2010 Reply
I find myself offended at I’LL HAVE THE LOBSTER’s view on dating and men. I am a single woman in my early 30s and dating is hard enough without women like that convincing men that we’re all like her. I make a very good living and I don’t need a man to flash his wallet at me like I’m some gold digger. Even if I made half my salary I would feel the same way. It’s obnoxious when men try to impress you with their money and I would be ashamed of myself or any of my friends if they acted like that woman. To all the good, decent single men out there: we’re not all like that!
— Susan in Pittsburgh 05/18/2010 Reply
HAHA I order soup and salad or the BLT, the cheapest things on the menu… it shows you’re sensible and wont take advantage of him. It gives him time to learn about who you are instead of worrying about his next credit card statement! He might not go home with you, but in your case, if he does, its a “cheap date”!
— Allison in pittsburgh 05/18/2010 Reply
Cat: I enjoy reading your column. I’ve learned a lot, and I get a “both sides” insight from your approach. If I can ever figure out just ONE question to ask, you’ll hear from me. Until then? I’ll read and react. =) Thanks for posting that question/answer. I tend to be old-fashioned, and I pay for dates since I usually ask the girl out. Rarely, do I ever get the offer for anyone to go halves, or simply tip… even if they enjoy the date and we go out again. But, this has happened more than its share to me in the past few months, so this caught my eye. In one instance, I even received a post-date dress-down from a mutual friend about a date, who was told I was “too nice”, “deserved to pay”, and that’s “he needs to do his part to get what he wants”. Actually, I just expected a “date”. I paid since she had just gone back to work after a job layoff, it was her birthday (and it was), …and I didn’t expect her to run up a $125 tab. And then to end the date with “hey, let’s keep this open.. you know, no commitments, no rush.” And she turned her cheek and walked from the car. I didn’t expect to be invited in… but expected more like “thanks, it was a nice evening. I appreciate it.” I considered myself lucky that I didn’t spend more on her, and actually was more mad she chose to paint me as a “soft guy” to my friends. Lesson learned. So, I can confirm this happens, and a few women out there are more than happy to see what your checkbook’s limits are. But, I’m sure my being a little naive plays a role here too.
— Matt 05/18/2010 Reply
That is why, as a man, it is always important to lay out exactly what you expect for every $10 dollars the meal costs, using the good old fashioned base system. Don’t want to make out? Shouldn’t have gotten it supersized.
— Jason from Cranberry 05/18/2010 Reply
Ok now…In response to “Lobster,” I have to totally agree with Cat that it is in bad taste and downright nasty to order the most expensive thing off of the menu just to test a man’s wallet. I make plenty of money and can afford to take the women I date anywhere I want, but if a girl orders the surf and turf on the first date she wont get a second date. Not because I can’t afford it but because it’s just plain rude. To put it in perspective if a colleague was taking me to a business lunch and I ordered some extravagent $40 meal then I would expect him to be pissed and he would have every right to be.
Thankfully most ladies I date have manners. The one that has manners and class I date, and may consider relationship material. Yeah, I may “fool around” with lobster girl but you can bet that after we have had our fun she will become nothing more than a set of numbers in my contact list.
— Brandon, Pittsburgh PA 05/18/2010 Reply
MEOW! Though I agree, Lobster-girl deserves the ‘hooker’ label.
I’m guessing that ‘Left’ found out that what happens in Vegas doesn’t necessarily stay in Vegas…. or he would, if he had a clue. She cheated on him, and like it so much she’s moving there. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
— Steve in Pgh 05/18/2010 Reply
My first thought on the Vegas letter was that she probably met someone and will soon be shacking up with them. If so, those often don’t work out. But in any case, it sounds like it’s over. And the sooner he accepts it, the quicker he can get on with his life. Love hurts — losing love hurts more. But there are a lot of women out there. A lot — and surely he can find another who won’t “Vegas” on him.
The Lobster lady will surely find her man, because there are men out there who feel the same way — that how much they spend is a reflection of their suitability as a mate. Hell, I walk past them every day. Not my thing, but there’s someone for everyone, I suppose.
— Mike, Downtown 05/18/2010 Reply
Give me a freakin’ break – talk about defending a woman. Hey Cat, why not substitute the world girlfriend with boyfriend in that second letter. Make it a letter from a girl whose boyfriend just came back from Vegas after a trip ‘with the guys’ and then suddenly dumps her. There is NO WAY you would give her the same advice. I can’t imagine you defending the guy for dumping the girl when he comes back from a Vegas trip. Oh, but if a woman does it, it’s ‘sorting out her feelings’. What if the boyfriend came back form Vegas and said ‘he needs time for himself’, ‘he wanted a clean slate’, ‘he needs his space’, ‘he can’t find work so he has to move to Vegas’ . You would light him up like a Christmas tree. Thank God I’m married so I don’t have to sort through women like you.
— Jason / PIttsburgh 05/21/2010 Reply