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A Case Of The Happy Ho-Hums & He Held Out, Then Got Dumped In A Text Message
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating a guy for a year and a half. He’s been fine, great actually. I lost my old job and have found a new one, and for some reason he left his old job and started working at the same place. Iâve been a lot happier at this new job, with many friends, and my boyfriend lives with me now. So if I am so happy why do I find myself thinking about other guys and what life would be like with them? What should I do? Leave him or stay? âCONFUSED & CLUELESS
DEAR C & C: You have a case of the âhappy ho-hums.â Youâre happy enough with your job and friends but youâre ho-hum about your boyfriend. You have too much of a good thing by living and working together. Relationships entail the connection of two unique lives but yours are mirror images. Before you think about leaving, think about getting space. Not a breakup, just a break from being in his presence every minute. Besides, after a year and half if youâre not certain you want to marry him….Catâs Call: Thereâs no reason to live together.
DEAR CAT: Two months ago I met a woman who is separated, like I am, and sparks flew like I have not experienced in twenty years. She asked me to be her boyfriend and not date other girls, and I said fine, but no way am I looking at marriage, moving in together or anything more than dating, fun and sex. Soon after that she had a hysterectomy which meant no sex for 4-6 weeks. I said itâd be a test of our relationship and for five weeks I was faithful and we got along great. She left town for her brotherâs birthday and invited me to go but our relationship needed a breather. I said go, have fun, weâll have sex in a week. While away she met an old high school fling, then texted me a breakup message. I found out he came back with her for ten days! She says I did nothing wrong and I’m a great guy but there are no feelings for me. So I hung out for six weeks and he got ten days of sex and I got a text message! I told her I was shocked and felt gutted. Whatâs the question here? Nothing. I just I needed to vent and say: donât use a text message to break up! What a bad display of the female gender, and how not to treat people. â BAD FEMALE, BAD
DEAR BAD: Happy to let you vent but there is a question here – could this situation have been prevented? The answer is yes. The next time sparks fly, donât limit the relationship. Sure, you stayed with her for six weeks, but you donât deserve a medal for not sleeping around while your girlfriend recovers from major gynecological surgery. Iâm not defending her terrible, immature way of breaking up with you, nor am I suggesting she is faultless in other ways (she cheated after asking you to be monogamous). But weâre talking about you and how both your refusal to see the relationship grow and your sex-centered perspective would be a turn-off to any woman. Catâs Call: Even one as insensitive as your ex.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here.
Hey Cat, I love in your first answer where you say what’s the point of living together if you’re not going to get married. Trust me, I’m not old fashioned but I don’t see the point of living together and just “playing house.”
On the second question omg what a mess this couple was. I feel like he sat around with a stopwatch waiting to have sex again. She invites him to go away and he says they need a breather? Why did you wait around all those weeks if you need time apart? Are you that hard up? Text-dumping is really bad. He’s not a great guy but that’s no way to break up with someone.
— Rebecca in PGH 05/24/2011 Reply
I don’t see why he wasn’t a great guy. She was clearly insecure about losing him during her recovery from surgery. He put her feelings above his own interests and remained faithful. She was a Bad Female and cheated on him… and you’re worried about the fact he was counting down the WEEKS until he could have sex again?!! I say put “six weeks of abstinence” on the back of the medal. His girlfriend gets a dishonorable discharge.
— Mark 05/24/2011 Reply
Wow, what a pig Mark is! First of all, you don’t know the whole story, only the guy’s point of view. To me, the only thing he seemed to care about was sex. Not her. She probably realized that. When she asked him to go away, he should have gone, whether he expected to have sex or not, if he was genuinely interested in her. And, why did their relationship need a break? Obviously, there were problems if he thought that. I don’t agree with her method of breaking up with him, but I’d be truly stunned if he really didn’t see that coming.
— Jenn from Pittsburgh 06/22/2011 Reply
My call 1: I think Cat is right about living together and not being very crazy about your man. “For some reason” he started working at the same company as you doesn’t cut it. He should have talked to you about that first. You should do anything to get distance: working out at a gym, spend time with girl friends (that way he woudn’t think to be included), you name it. I’ve never had a good man where I dream about being with other men.
My call 2: Lol Rebecca. Now I picture him sitting around with a stopwatch and calender counting down the days. Just to be fair to him, he IS separated therefore I understand why he doesn’t want to get embroiled in a big relationship at this point but then don’t agree to be someone’s boyfriend. By the way going without sex for a few weeks because of something medical is not a real test of a relationship. I would say the test was deciding not to go away to her brothers’ house.
— Joanna in Dallas Tx 05/24/2011 Reply
I agree with Joanna – the three words that jumped out at me were “For some reason”. Sounds like there is some underlying animosity regarding his decision to change jobs, and work at the same company as hers. After all – they’re living together, working together, sleeping together – how did that not ever come up in discussion – his reasoning for changing jobs. There is something missing from this equation – she isn’t revealing all there is to tell, and until she does, we’re all just guessing…..
— Ben VA 05/24/2011 Reply
Hey. Happy people don’t wonder what life would be like with other people. He might be great, and you might love him at some level, but you have a wandering eye.
In the second letter, the guy seems to focus on sex a lot. And that usually isn’t a basis for a long-lasting or committed relationship. And although he almost committed to the relationship as time went on, I don’t think she saw it in that way. Probably because of the ground rules that were set in the beginning.
I think this is simply a “ye shall reap what you sow” situation. Man, I hate biblical references. But this one might apply. Oh wait. Is that a biblical reference?
— Mike, Downtown 05/24/2011 Reply
“Ye shall” makes anything sound biblical. With the reaping & sowing it could also be Farmer’s Almanac.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 05/24/2011 Reply
Cat is on point this week with her advice.
As for BAD. You blew it with her.
As for breaking up by texting – that will become a new norm, if it isn’t already one.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/25/2011 Reply
With regards to breaking up via texting? At least its far better than a lot of guys tend to do today, and that is go “MIA” and silent, disappearing from text messages, emails, phone calls, etc. They just “disappear” leaving you guessing, even when it was a strong relationship with talk about marriage. At least this guy was told something by this woman so he knew it was over and to move on.
— Lorraine from Pittsburgh 05/25/2011 Reply
@ Lorraine,
So, I take it that has happened to you? Wow. He talked about marriage and then gone with the wind… that is too bad.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/25/2011 Reply
As far as BAD goes: They are both immature idiots. If he ACTUALLY believes that going without sex for 4-6 weeks is a test of the relationship, then I completely understand why he is separated. Really? Also, what grown woman asks a man to be her “boyfriend”? What is she 12 years old? I also understand why she is separated. Good grief. They both need to grow up and get some morals.
— Chris, Pittsburgh 05/26/2011 Reply
@ Chris,
Save your morals for yourself.
Sure, they were both immature in how they handled things, but what is even worse is when someone like yourself imposes his or her morals on others.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/27/2011 Reply
â @ Lebron, Lorraine is right. It happens all too frequently, with little or no respect for the woman’s feelings. I too would rather be told and if happened in a text, regardless of how tacky it really is…so be it. 05/31/2011
— Celeste, Pittsburgh 05/31/2011 Reply
@ Celeste,
Those type of men are dogs.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/31/2011 Reply