Columns
Time Of Grief Is A Bad Time To Leave & Beau Can't Handle "A Little Too Much" Weight
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
DEAR CAT: Iâve been seeing a woman for nearly a year. Recently she lost her 24 year old son. For the week of the rosary and mass I was there every minute and helped as much as I could but I had to leave town and in the two weeks since then, she broke up with me because I haven’t called or written. She wrote to tell me that she can’t be there for me anymore. I have very little patience and Iâve tried calling and emailing her. No response! Iâm sure she is very lonely and sad, and maybe a little angry about my leaving when I did. I want to believe she still loves me and can’t deal with the loss of her son, plus me not being there. I truly love her and would do anything to help her. I am due to return home in a couple weeks. Do I wait for her to decide if she still wants to be with me, or take her words at face value and leave her alone? I realize sometimes a person must be patient and things will work out. — TORN IN TEXAS 3-28-11
DEAR TORN: I canât believe sheâs âmaybe a little angryâ that you left town and âhavenât called or writtenâ while sheâs mourning the death of her son. How dare she not be there for you! This must be so hard for you, what with your lack of patience. What woman wouldnât want a man who doesnât call for weeks during a time of terrible grief? Iâm sure readers of this column feel deeply for your loss and never once had the phrase âselfish jerkâ enter their minds. I strongly recommend taking her words at face value and allowing her space. I also recommend finding someone who shares your particular brand of romanticism and understanding. Catâs Call: Try searching âcongressmenâ on Craigslist.
DEAR CAT: My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue because, âIâve gained a little too much weight.â Cat, Iâve gained twenty pounds total since the day we met two years ago, mainly because I hurt my foot and canât do the crazy high impact stuff I used to do. But I am in great shape and exercise all the time. I know people have a right to whatever they find attractive but once you love someone, donât you see past little things? I guess I never realized how superficial he was, but I feel lied to and confused. Your call? â TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT
DEAR TRYING: We all have a right to choose someone or not, but there are nicer ways to end a relationship than blaming your loverâs moderate weight gain. Chances are those twenty pounds arenât the only reason for the breakup but blaming your unacceptably large behind speaks volumes about his character. I know youâre hurting but you really are better off without this guy. Above all, donât let his plebeian insult steal your confidence. No matter what your size, his ego is much bigger. And….Catâs Call: You know what they say about guys with huge egos.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
This guy can’t be serious. I know dumb people and guys like to play dumb but this is ridiculous. He leaves town and he doesn’t say why (we assume she knows but he won’t tell us in the letter). You better be in prison if you’re not calling your lady for weeks. She just lost her son you douchebag. The second guy in the weight question is stupid too but he’s a hair better because he’s dumb enough to be honest. When he changes his mind she’ll never take him back.
— Shawn, Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
TORN IN TEXAS – Wow – 2 weeks and no phone call? What were you doing that was so important? A person you care about suffers the worst tragedy imaginable and you are too busy to pick up the phone even once? Sinful..
TRYING TO MAKE SENSE – If he is cavalier enough to make that comment after a year, he probably means it. I agree that there are better ways to break up, but why would he say that if he wasn’t serious. I mean, he could have made anything up, at least he is being honest. The guy might have a big ego, but the bigger problem here is your self-esteem.
Gaining weight is not a “little thing” for many people. It seems to me that people who gain a lot of weight (yes, 20 pounds IS a lot, especially for women) always have some excuse. Frankly, American men are tired of hearing it. We are tired of hearing how shallow or superficial we are if we don’t simply accept our girlfriends and wifes turn into cows. It’s unfair that the weight stigma affects women much more than men in our society, but it is what it is. Nowadays, slim women of all ages have huge advantages in life. I’m not feeling sorry for you. If you’re feeling insecure about the comments he made, do something about it, lose the pounds, and throw it back in his face. When he comes crawling back, you know what to do.
— Bryan 05/03/2011 Reply
Can we assume then, Bryan, that you would be okay if your girlfriend or wife left you because your penis was too small? We American women are tired of that too!
— Chris, Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
Chris: news flash – penis size can’t be controlled. Shoving excessive food in your pie hole can be. What a dumb comment! If you are unhappy with your man’s girth, go buy a vibrator.
— Bryan 05/03/2011 Reply
That comment was no more stupid than your comment about women turning into cows and how American men are tired of hearing about it. Apparently, you are the perfect male with no flaws of your own. Here’s a news flash for you, Bryan . . . if you continue to base all of your judgments about women on how they look, you are going to be sadly disappointed to know that beauty is only skin deep. Your wife or girlfriend’s looks or how large or small their stature will not see you through the rough times of your life or be the best friend you’ve ever had. Good, loving women come in all shapes and sizes.
Oh, and by the way, ever hear of Extenz?
— Chris, Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
Chris and Bryan – Great exchange, thanks! Cat needs a little rhubarb on here every now and again, to keep things stirred up – mission accomplished.
And I’m surprised LeBron hasn’t “weighed in” (pun intended) on this…..
— Ben VA 05/03/2011 Reply
Why would you be surprised? I don’t know what you would expect me to say, but here goes…
– Weight issue: Some men are just not attracted to woman who are fat. And, vice versa. If he really loved his “beefy” woman, he could do something with her to help her lose the weight.
I also think it is funny how many men complain that their wives/gfs are fat, yet their stomachs are hanging over their belts, which means they have what is known as “dick-do.”
- Dick-do: When a man walks up next to a wall and his stomach hits the wall before his dick do.
- I’ve always heard this – men who drive big cars are compensating for little…
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
LMAO re: dick-do.
— T. New York 05/03/2011 Reply
Nah, give the penis size a rest.
But how about when he loses his hair? And how about when he gains the 20 lbs from drinking too much beer? Or perhaps it’s just that he’s not wearing the appropriately expensive business suit.
Women have attraction points too. I hope that Bryan is maintaining himself in all the ways he’s demanding of his women… or perhaps he’ll find that she’s run off for the more attractive version as well.
(And why do we advocate loving someone beyond the physical? Because we all age, buddy.)
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 05/04/2011 Reply
Twenty pounds is really not that much but it’s just about basic chemistry. If you’re not attracted to someone like you used to be what are you supposed to do? Loving someone “just as you are” is kind of unrealistic and there is no real commitment besides marriage. Meaning you are not obligated to stay in a relationship just because. We don’t know if she complains about her weight all the time. Maybe they had the “crazy high impact” workouts in common and now they have nothing to talk about (what a great relationship). Superficiality is normal. We look at someone and know instantly if we find them appealing or not. You can’t control that. But I do agree he could have been nicer about it.
— Cara, Oakland 05/03/2011 Reply
Cat, I think you and your readers have been trolled by Torn. I sure hope that is the case. I mean honestly. What kind of self-centered prick would honestly be surprised that a woman who just buried her son would drop him like a bad habit when he disappeared the minute he had fulfilled his funeral obligation. A stand-up guy would have canceled his trip to comfort her. A run-of-the-mill guy would have at least called her every day to ask if she was o.k. A total jackass would have ignored her and then bitched to a journalist about it.
To “Sense.” There is a little fantasy that I have about falling in love with a gorgeous woman and then watching her put on 20 pounds and still be gorgeous. I like the way a woman looks when she is a little plump especially if she has a pretty face and a nice smile. You doin’ anything this weekend doll? ;)
— Brandon - Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
Why do you two assume that the second letter writer’s boyfriend was being honest? Because she admits to gaining weight? (By the way, it depends on her build as to whether it shows. Perhaps she’s 6’2’‘ and the weight is evenly distributed.) Or maybe because her weight gain is an obvious flaw he seized upon it to cover some other, more sinister reason. Sound plausible? Does, “You’re too fat,” sound just a tad better than, “I’m diddling a girl at work”? I love how the Internet brings out all the analytical thinkers (and superb spellers).
As for the first correspondence, Cat, I’m surprised you ripped into this guy when there is one glaring omission from his story—the reason he left! You typically indicate when crucial information is absent and this is a perfect case. First of all, he said he supported her until he left, so I don’t think the hollow jerk theory holds necessarily. Why did you go, Torn? If you were working in a cave or at sea, then you’re excused. This is an incredibly difficult time for your love—her life will never be the same. She should be given the space she requests—perhaps she’ll return in time. If not, you can chalk it up to tragedy. But if you were just not contacting her, I can think of only two reasons: you were done with the grief, or you felt you didn’t know what to say. If either of those are applicable, then maybe Cat is on to something.
— M, Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
M, Pittsburgh: Does, âYouâre too fat,â sound just a tad better than, âIâm diddling a girl at workâ?
Yeah, it does. The second part is at least honest. The first part essentially means that no one is going to love you for yourself, that you have to be perfect in every way to get a man. How would you feel if a woman left you because you gained a few pounds? I bet that would hurt, wouldn’t it?
So much for unconditional love and acceptance.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
Catâ¦.just accolades in response to Torn in Texas; you go girl!!!!!
— Denise 05/03/2011 Reply
Both letters illustrate guys who don’t know how to treat someone they love. An all-too-common occurrence. “Torn” is not meant to be anyone’s partner, unless he has a major awakening.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
Great PPG column.
“You know what they say about guys with huge egos.”
Sigh… if only the inverse of that were true as well.
— Larry 05/03/2011 Reply
Too bad for you, Larry, but hey, there is a lid for every pot.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 05/05/2011 Reply
Kudosx5 to your answer to torn!!! What a jerk. I hope that if he tries to see her again when he gets home she lets him have it, both barrels.
As to trying, well what everyone is saying is valid. Yes, when you see someone you base an opinion based on looks. Its life. But usually most mature people are able to see past the outside packaging to see the beautiful inside. If after 2 years of dating, he still wasnt able to look past her “looks” then he really isnt worth her time. Yea some people do have objections to weight gains, but she isnt using an excuse like Byron stated. If your doing high impact intense workouts on a regular basis, your body gets used to it. You have to maintain to stay the same weight. An injury that doesnt allow you to continue this is going add some weight gain. Its the way it is. Her boyfriend has everyright to say what he does or does not like. But if after 2 years, he loved her for her, he would have tried to encourage other means of excersice to help her maintain. She probably wasnt too happy about it herself. Hopefully she’ll find a better man out there who will love her, plus 20lbs or not.
— Dani, Crafton 05/03/2011 Reply
I have to shout out to Le Bron on the dick-do explanation – love it!
Both writers and situations are sad. Torn is a more than likely a self absorbed guy who thought he had done enough to soothe his SO’s grief, but he has no clue as to real suffering and is not a real gentleman (no phone calls). I agree crucial info was left out, but if such facts would have pled his case, then he would have included it, i.e. “I was on assignment in Antarctica and had no phone/email/penguin mail.”
As for the poor woman dumped by her either egomaniac or just mean (or both) boyfriend – move on girl! For those saying looks play a part in any relationship, I do not totally disagree; but there is a reasonableness standard. If my SO gained weight, it would have to be a LOT of weight before I would be turned off – and 20 lbs is not that big of a deal on anybody over time. Similarly, if my SO should lose his hair, I will still love and desire him. Not only for what he looks like now but because I will always remember what he looked like when we first met. People should make an effort to stay healthy and attractive (note – I mean make the most of what they have within reason), but this woman sounds like she did just that and did not become obese. Therefore, I tend to agree that the guy had another reason and was just being mean – making her think it was her fault. If not, then he is just a huge pile of turd who is only interested in the outer packaging….and he can find some shallow chick who will sweat away in the gym for him or starve herself. And this comes from a woman who does watch her weight – but I do it for me, for my health and to avoid having to buy bigger clothes (no $$$), LOL.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 05/03/2011 Reply
Dear Cat,
I am 53 years old and your column is one of my guilty pleasures. Thanks for the work and the advice that you give.
On a more serious note I did want to write about Torn in Texas as that one really hit home. In my case I am a divorced male with 3 kids. I had just begun dating a woman in Feb 09. In July 09 I was having a dinner for my kids, a brother that was in town and my friend Betsy. All day I was cooking and had not seen my son. This was not unusual as he was an independent kid. Anyhow when we ate and he still had not surfaced I got very worried. I went to his room and it was then that I found him in his bed. He had been there all day. He died of an undiagnosed heart ailment.
Imagine dating someone for a relatively brief time and running into this situation. That is what happened to both Torn in Texas and my friend Betsy. Clearly it was far worse for those of us that suffered the loss but nonetheless it is an incredible situation for a dating partner to be in as well. At this point these two stories diverge. Although he was there for the immediate aftermath he truly had no sense of the devastation that woman experienced and the struggle she faced in the two weeks while he was absent. For him to have failed to contact her was inexcusable and as you put it nothing less than selfish. In my case the story has a much better ending. Not only was Betsy there for the days through the funeral she has continued to be an incredible part of my life. She understands that I will have to deal with this loss for the rest of my life-not just the “rosary and mass” that Torn in Texas seemed to be enough. I will have good days and I will have some not so good days and she has shown that she will be there for me in my struggle. Death of a loved one is not something you can ever get over and Torn in Texas obviously does not understand that. Being a partner means you must give more of yourself in a relationship than you ever expect to get back. Torn in Texas could not do that in the most painful moment in that woman’s life and it is safe to say would not be able to do so in the years ahead. An old saying goes “Adversity does not create character it reveals it”. In both Torn in Texas and my situation character was revealed.
It is almost 2 years since I lost my son. I know that I will never be the same but I know that with the right people in our lives we can get better. There is not a day that goes by that I do not say a prayer of thanks that Betsy came into my life when she did. Which is why in January of this year I decided it was better to stop calling her my friend and start calling her my fiancee. I gave her a nice ring and thankfully she said yes.
Thank you for your column and thank you for today’s letter. It only served to remind me how lucky I am.
— Bob 05/04/2011 Reply