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From Lovers To Friends With No Benefits & Bridesmaids Should Chip In
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
DEAR CAT: A year ago I dated a great girl for about a month before she decided she just wanted us to be friends. I conceded, since I really enjoyed being with her. I figured we were both seeing other people but one night I went out with her and her friends and she talked about her sex life in graphic detail; like how she was dating two guys at once, and about how much sex she’d have in a night. I sat there trying not to scream because it kicked up a lot of dust and I was really upset. I avoided her for a few days, then she apologized by saying she has a big mouth and just hadn’t seen her friends in a long time and wanted to fill them in. I asked her for some time to gather my thoughts but sheâs continued to contact me, which I find disrespectful and annoying. I’m totally over her now (I don’t want to date anyone who tells sex stories about me), but I’m considering whether or not to even be friends with her. I enjoyed being our friendship but I’m having trouble getting over this. Any thoughts?? — DESPONDENT IN D.C.
DEAR D.C.: The unfortunate truth is, you enjoyed the friendship because the prospect of getting back together was still a possibility (in your mind). Once you learned sheâs bedding others, you realized the friendship was something of a sham. Even though you werenât dating at the time, she should have been sensitive to your feelings and kept her mouth shut instead of discussing her sexual exploits in front of you. On the flip side, if you two were really just friends, youâd accept her obnoxious behavior as part of who she is. Iâm sorry your feelings were hurt but it might have been a blessing in disguise. Catâs Call: You shouldnât have to wonder whether or not to be friends with someone.
DEAR CAT: I am in a wedding with 7 other bridesmaids, 4 of them are out of town. We are trying to plan the bridal shower and want to include all the bridesmaids even though some probably won’t be able to make the shower. My question is, should the out-of-towners contribute to the cost of the shower, or is that rude to ask? If not, the cost falls on 3 of us. I know I would feel bad not helping out even if I couldn’t make the bridal shower. â THREE OUTTA SEVEN
DEAR THREE: It doesnât matter where a bridesmaid or groomsman resides, kicking in for showers (and strippers) is part of the job! Thatâs right, being a bridesmaid is considered a job of sorts, because thereâs work involved, like organizing showers and bachelorette parties and trying to look good standing for hours in dyed heels that donât fit. Itâs a compliment to be asked to be in a wedding party and that honor implies a certain level of responsibility â to the bride and the other bridesmaids. Spending money is always a part of it, soâ¦Catâs Call: Itâs not rude to ask everyone to pay their share.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I feel badly for “Despondent.” He fell into the trap of friendship when he really wanted more. On the other hand he should follow’s Cat’s line of thought about accepting her for who she is. That’s what friendship means. I still feel bad for him though :)
— Kal in Pittsburgh 05/04/2010 Reply
I’m so glad someone asked this question! EVERY bridesmaid is responsible for the pre-wedding activities involving the bride. If you live out of town and you can’t make certain events that has no bearing on whether you pay for them. If a bride asks you to be her bridesmaid and you say yes, you’re saying yes to spending money, like it or not. As a bridesmaid everything is about the bride. Every dollar you spend. That’s the name of the game.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 05/04/2010 Reply
The ONLY thing bridesmaids are required to do is buy the dress, show up for the rehearsal and on the wedding day, and be supportive of the bride. Showers, bachelorette parties, and the like are great, and should be viewed as additional gifts above and beyond what is required. Showers can be thrown by aunts, sisters, even friends who aren’t in the wedding party (assuming there’s a wedding party at all). And if all the bridesmaids do decide to throw a shower, make sure to ask everyone what their budget is in advance and plan accordingly rather than simply presenting a bill. The idea that all these things are required is the result of the Wedding Industrial Complex that pushes the idea that everyone involved must go broke in order for two people to “really be married.”
— Marie, Pittsburgh 05/04/2010 Reply
Despondent. You were wise to stop pursuing this girl when you did. The only mistake that you made was to be friends with her for as long as you did if at all. Women are not unknown to build friendships with men just so they can feel validated and attractive. This may be what she was doing to you and you shouldn’t stand for it. If I were you I would give her the cold shoulder and slowly fade out on her. Make her wonder what she did wrong to upset you. Enjoy watching her suffer a little bit she sure enjoyed watching you squirm.
— Brandon, Pittsburgh PA 05/04/2010 Reply
In 20 years, when the girl who asked you to just be friends gets divorced, and says she wishes she would have given you a chance way back when you were dating, it will all be worth it, until she hooks up with the pool boy on the rebound.
— Jason from Cranberry 05/04/2010 Reply
Cat – I don’t totally agree with you on the bridal shower answer. It’s a tricky subject, and many people have strong opinions. Having been a bridesmaid and MOH several times, the best method is to ask the other bridesmaids if they are interested in helping to host the shower and find out what their budget may be, and, if they contribute, then they have a say in the budget and choices made for the event. I strongly disagree that the MOH plans the event and simply sends out a bill to each bridesmaid. If not all seven bridesmaids host, then only those that act as hosts receive credit in the invite (although that is a choice the MOH/group can make, as we’ve had friends who couldn’t help financially but we listed everyone b/c we all understood her predicament). I’ve also seen showers hosted only by the mothers of the couple or other family members. I was involved in ONE memorable shower where the bridesmaid were all cooperative and on the same page as to planning and then one of the mother’s tried to step in, tried to change everything, and did NOT offer to pay a dime toward the additional costs she was proposing. Talk about having to act diplomatically, since she was one of the mothers! But the MOH spoke to the mother, explained the budget, and we were able to incorporate some of her ideas/wishes, so all was well. But these events can stir up a lot of anxiety and bad feelings, so diplomacy and empathy is key!
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 05/04/2010 Reply
I am sorry, Despondent, but this girl knew exactly what she was doing (and saying). She wanted you to hear the details of her sex life. She didn’t care how it made you feel, she was just getting a rush discussing it in the open and letting you know what you can’t have. Friends don’t do that to friends. You are not missing out on anything. Do yourself a favor and cut this relationship completely off, and move on to people and friends who will really care about you.
— Chris, Pittsburgh 05/04/2010 Reply
Despondent. Here are the facts you don’t want to face about your “friend” and your relationship:. First, you’re blinded to the fact that she’s a freak. Sure you were caught off guard by the blow by blow details of her pornstar-like sexcapades, but how did you not know that this is what she is about? Second…she likes you like a chick (hence wanting to keep you around as a friend) but didn’t find you close to being a good-enough lover. Don’t feel bad. I doubt one man is enough to satisfy her for long (like a whole weekend). Third…if you put up with this “friendship” farce, when you are really in the market for being a sex-buddy….you’re a loser. I guarantee you the two guys she was bragging about to the girls (including you) aren’t sitting around sucking their thumbs, worried about the status of their friendship with her….They’ve moved on to the next one.
Suck it up, pull yourself together, and see if you can convert her anxiety about the status of your chick-friendship into a real “friends forever” make-up party. You obviously think she’s worth it. Then, whether or not you succeed, walk away…..Dog’s Call: Don’t be a good guy with bad girls.
— MoDog from Bethel Park 05/04/2010 Reply
My call: I agree with Chris (and Cat). That girl was just showing off and she wanted you to hear all the hot details. She wasn’t interested in you anyway since you only dated for a month before she switched to “friends.” It’s bullshit. She didn’t want to date you but she didn’t want to hurt you by dumping you. I get that but rubbing your face in it is cruel. You had the sense to avoid her for a while which means you have the balls to drop her and move on. Cat’s right, if you have to question your friendship it’s not worth it.
— Charlie NYC 05/04/2010 Reply
Cat gave great advice—if despondent was really just a friend to this woman—he could handle his friend’s crazy stories! However, he wanted to be more than friends, and now he’s upset that at this time it’s not going to happen! Your friend was treating you like a friend and telling you stories that she tells other friends. I know a guy who has female friends who tell him all their wild stories, and it does not bother him because he is just friends with these women! Despondent needs space from his wild friend, and if she still wants to be friends she should give him the space. I think it is cruel not to tell her the truth. If he admits the way he feels, the female friend could change—if not then the guy friend could decide to end the friendship. I wish my former guy friend gave me a chance to give him space. He told me he needed space after it was too late. I was just friends with this guy, but now he never wants to talk with me again, but I did hear from his friend—who wished me well on my recent health situation. It is nice to know their are still some nice guys left in the world who can handle things and face the truth. Good luck. Forbidden-Fruit Friend, Pittsburgh
— Forbidden-Fruit Friend 05/04/2010 Reply
Cat I’m really sorry, but I’ve never disagreed with you more. No one is entitled to a bridal shower! You have one if someone wants to/is able to host one for you. It’s no one’s “job”, not even the bridesmaids. Saying yes to being a bridesmaid means that you say yes to being there to support the bride on her wedding day – not forking over your checkbook for a bridal shower, bachelorette party, big gifts, expensive dresses, etc. if it’s not something you want to do or can afford! Sure if your bridemaid’s can afford it and offer to do that, than thats great! But a gracious bride should never expect her friends to do any of these things, especially if it’s a financial burden on them.
— Kim, Pittsburgh 05/04/2010 Reply
When my wife and I got married there were several showers and bachelorette outings that included some guests who flew out from the east coast. One shower each from my sister, her mother and her bridesmaids. Her three bridesmaids had a ball putting things together (my wife is low key and not the kind to expect those things from her friends and we were older when we got married). Kim you make a good point about being “entitled to a bridal shower,” but that wasn’t the question, it was about whether all bridesmaids should have to pay for activities they’re planning. If everyone had simple weddings, then yes a bridesmaid’s job would be only about supporting the bride, but that’s not realistic. In this day and age bridesmaids are expected to chip in when an event is hosted by one or all of them, no matter where they live.
— Patrick, San Francisco 05/04/2010 Reply
“Despondent” – Run (don’t walk) away from her. She’s obviously un-healthy for you (probably in more than one way).
“Three” – I have absolutely no idea what happens in the minds of women when it comes to their behavior and attitude with each other (or with men), and when it comes to spending money. It seems to vary – LOL. Anyway, Good Luck.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 05/05/2010 Reply
Patrick my point was that just because you’re a bridesmaid doesn’t make you an automatic host of a shower. If one or two want to throw a shower than thats great, but all of the bridesmaid’s shouldn’t be forced or expected to also host and pay if they aren’t finacially able to or just don’t want to!
On your other point – if a bride and groom choose to have an elaborate wedding than what does that have to do with their friends, family and wedding party being required to also throw them an elaborate shower?
— Kim , Pittsburgh 05/05/2010 Reply
Carm. Obviously there is a misunderstanding between the sexes. The lady friend thinks the guy is just a friend, and she tried to talk to him like a friend—that is why she told him all her crazy stories. If the guy friend still wants to be friends with the female friend—he should tell the female friend that he does not want to hear the stories. I think she will figure out why—he must still be attracted to her; otherwise, the sexy stories would not bother him. There is just a misunderstanding here. The female friend needs to give the guy friend lots of space, and then he can decide if he still wants to be friends or not (if the female friend gives him space and then stops telling him the dirty stories that he does not want to hear). F-F Friend
— F-F Friend 05/06/2010 Reply