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When Bad Business Ruins A Friendship & He Wants To Call Her "Girlfriend"

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

DEAR CAT: I am a 38 year old guy who made a huge mistake. A good friend (with whom I have a business relationship) and I had a falling out because I wasn’t completely honest with him regarding a money issue. I made no money in the situation and it cost him nothing but to him it was a big deal. I feel horrible and I apologized several times. I gave him all future business from the source which I wasn’t totally honest about. I truly don’t care about the money, I just miss my friend. But he refuses to have any contact with me even though we work thirty feet apart. My wife and parents advised me to apologize and be honest, which I did, and after that it’s up to him to make the next move. They said if he doesn’t come around, I need to move on. I guess what I am asking is, does that sound right? – FRIENDLESS

DEAR FRIENDLESS: What’s missing from your story is why you hid anything from him in the first place. That said, your wife and parents were very wise to advise you to own your mistake. You even went a step further to make amends by giving your friend all subsequent business – that’s admirable and there’s nothing more you should do. Trust is a funny thing; it can be the hardest feeling to repair. Hopefully you’ll get the chance, but if he’s set on ending the friendship…Cat’s Call: Chalk it up to a lesson learned the hard way.

DEAR CAT: I’ve known my ‘girlfriend’ for almost four years. We work together and we’ve become best friends. She always had a boyfriend up until last July, and since September we’ve been romantically involved. We are exclusive and I’ve met her family but we haven’t officially said we are in a relationship. I love her and couldn’t imagine not having her in my life. I’ve asked her what she wants from our relationship and she said she doesn’t want the expectation of a relationship right now. I’m not sure what that means. I’ll give her time because I understand she just got out of a relationship, but do you think I’m just a rebound? Should bring up our relationship status or just wait it out? I’ve only been in two relationships that would be considered ‘long term’ so I’m not sure if I’m on the right track here. – TRYING TO MAKE SENSE

DEAR TRYING: Newsflash…Once you establish exclusivity and exchange words of love, you’re already in a relationship. Classic rebounds are about fun and casualness, not love and meeting the parents. Even so, her reluctance about creating any “expectation” is a red flag. What is a committed relationship if not about expectation? So she openly acknowledged her prior relationships but this one is sort of a secret? That’s never a good sign. You can wait it out a bit longer but the moment you start to feel resentment, talk about it. If she likes the freedom of not having to meet your expectations….Cat’s Call: You should have the freedom to find someone who will.

Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Cat’s Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.

  1. I don’t trust TRYING’s girlfriend. Going from relationship to relationship isn’t healthy, as is proven by her willingness to introduce him to her family but she won’t take the relationship seriously. It’s not fair to say ‘we should be exclusive but don’t expect anything from me.’ If a man said that….look out.

    — Mary, Pittsburgh    06/01/2010    Reply

  2. Cat I think you jumped to a conclusion when you said the couple in the 2nd question “exchanged words of love.” All he said is that HE loves HER but he didn’t say she’s said it back. Either way I do agree they’re in a relationship already and if she expects exclusivity she owes him more than something lame like “I don’t want the expectation of a relationship right now.” Give me a break. He should tell her he deserves to get what he’s willing to give.

    — Brett, NY    06/01/2010    Reply

  3. Just a quick note to say thanks. I thoroughly enjoy reading your articles in the post-gazette. Sometimes I have to ask myself if these people are really thinking before they do anything lol

    — L.C.    06/01/2010    Reply

  4. If someone lies to you in business they are not to be trusted again. Sorry to “Friendless” but Cat is right, you had to learn this lesson the hard way. Sure you can sometimes get ahead by lying or cheating but it’ll come back to haunt you. I guess this time it did huh?

    — Brian, Pittsburgh    06/01/2010    Reply

  5. What’s that old saying: Short-term gain vs. long-term pain? That sort of applies to “friendless,” although without specifics, it’s possible that he deserves a second chance. However, money is one of those areas in which you often don’t get a second chance.

    “Trying” might be head over heels, but it sure doesn’t seem like she feels the same way. The fact that she said she doesn’t want the expectation of a relationship is a pretty clear signal that she’s not interested. If he pushes it, he might ruin the friendship, as well.

    — Mike, Downtown    06/01/2010    Reply

  6. It would not occur to me to lie to a friend about a business matter. Something is wrong with FRIENDLESS’ story, he left out what he did. In my experience guys don’t end a friendship with each other unless something big happened. Seems Friendless made a mistake and really did not think it was a big deal at the time, and for that perhaps he deserves a second chance, but it all sounds immature. Life is tough and sometimes the business world is tougher.

    — Nathan (Baltimore)    06/01/2010    Reply

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