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Getting Out-Gifted By Your Fiancée & Is He Serious, Or Just Playing Her?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
DEAR CAT: I am engaged to a wonderful, caring, and generous lady. While discussing our wedding plans she revealed that she is planning to give me a very expensive wedding present â something I’ve wanted for many years. Even if there was something expensive on her all-time wish list I could not reciprocate financially (she is a lawyer and I work at a small family business). Plus I donât want to cheapen either personâs gesture by âcompeting.â And although she has never expected gift parity over the years I would still feel uncomfortable accepting such a large gift. Should I accept and feel awkward, or ask her to choose a more modest gift? —POOR RICHARD
DEAR POOR: Youâre missing the big pictureâ¦sheâs chosen to marry you and celebrate the occasion by giving you something youâve wanted for years – let her do it! Your financial status is hardly a mystery to her so she isnât expecting you to empty your bank account for a gift. Your question’s first words touted your fiancéeâs lovely character and generosity. You werenât referring only to monetary generosity, right? Real love means having a generous spirit; when you love someone you want to see them happy and she thinks this gift would make you happy. Forget the cost of the gift and focus on the thoughtfulness behind it. One last pointâ¦.Catâs Call: If you made more money than your fiancée you wouldnât be concerned about gift parity.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been dating a cool guy for a couple months. Weâre both in our mid-20s. We go out at least once a week and weâve met a few of each otherâs friends. The problem is that weâre not getting any more serious. I follow him online (we are both on MySpace, yes there are still lots of people on there!) and I see messages from girls that could be construed as flirtatious. I donât want to get jealous and scare him off but Iâm worried he might not be serious about me, or even worse, playing me. Is there a way to bring this up without sounding desperate? — DONâT WANT TO LOOK CLINGY
DEAR CLING: Iâm sorry to say it doesnât look like âseriousâ is an option just yet. Usually if a guy wants things to get serious heâll push for it sooner than a couple months into it, so talking to him about the status of your relationship probably wonât do any good at this point. If anything, his willingness to show flirty posts from other girls is your cue to take a step back – thatâs not a bad thing even though it might feel like it. Youâre absolutely allowed to ask for exclusivity but unless youâre committed you donât have the right to question his involvement with other girls. Yes, itâs a fine line. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than looking desperate so if you decide to broach the delicate subject of your relationship status just remember itâs like handling plutoniumâ¦. Catâs Call: Be confident, careful and prepared for fallout.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Okay, regarding Poor Richard, Cat is right on: it’s the thought that counts Richard, so regardless of expense, for you to compete in the gift giving department, you don’t need to spend alot of money, just a lot of love.
But I have to mix it up with Cat a bit on her response to Cling. Cling, some men are just not sure about making that first move to intensify a relationship. If you’ve been steady with this guy every week for a couple of months, feel free to push the envelope a little bit; show him that you’re interested in being more than once a week (he probably is too, but just waiting for some kind of sign from you). DON“T TAKE A STEP BACK, or you may never move forward again! First real disagreement I’ve ever had with Cat (hope she doesn’t step back – it’s just a disagreement!)
— Carm in Pittsburgh 06/15/2010 Reply
About the Clingy question, on the one hand I agree but I also think if she doesn’t talk to him about getting more serious she will end up waiting around for him and possibly he’ll end up choosing someone else. If she talks to him at least he can say “yes” or “no” and she can have her answer. Of course there’s alwys the risk of looking needy but maybe he’s mature enough to be past that stage. Come to think of it men of all ages tend to think that lol! On the gift question: take it and be happy about it! Jeez.
— Kathleen, Oakland 06/15/2010 Reply
This is in reference to the girl that didn’t want to look clingy. From my own personal experience, there have been times when I did not seek exclusivity because I thought that is what she wanted. It should work both ways, so by that logic, he cannot ask for exlcusivity either because she has not showed she wanted it yet either. It is really hard to put yourself out there. If she likes him enough, she shouldn’t wait for other girls to stop chasing him. That may never happen! Always enjoy reading your column.
— Stevie 06/15/2010 Reply
My personal opinion is that this guy shouldn’t have hooked up with a cougar who could buy him.
— F.C. 06/15/2010 Reply
Obituaries would be much more interesting if they revealed how the person died and this story would have been more interesting if Richard had revealed the gift – Rolex? Lexus? Fifty yard line tickets for the next Steelers Super Bowl? C’mon, Richard, give it up….
— Ben - Virginia 06/15/2010 Reply
Here’s how I see Miss Clingy. You date this guy casually (not exclusively, not more than once a week). You make full use of My Space to stalk (I mean “keep tabs”) on him and his other relationships. You’re jealous of his interactions with other females. You claim you don’t want to get played….meanwhile, this guy is making NO effort to be devious or play you in any way. You’re not important enough for him to edit his My Space page and you don’t like it.
Dog’s Call: Come clean with this guy soon. Let him know you want to be exclusive, that you check his My Space page for messages from other women, and that you don’t want to be played. When he sees how far out there you are, he’ll be able to decide if he wants to stick around for the boiling of the bunny.
— Dog 06/18/2010 Reply
F.C.- Where did you get the idea that she is a “cougar”? There’s no mention of any age difference in the letter? Not to mention, it wouldn’t make a difference if there was. Do you think all couples should have to make exactly the same amount, or are you just hung up on old-fashioned ideas of the man being the provider? Relationships work because two people complement each other, not because they fit into two arbitrary roles.
— Marie 06/20/2010 Reply
It took a long time for my fiancé to get through to me about how we’re combining finances when we marry (and realistically, have for a while as co-habitators), even if we keep separate incomes and bank accounts. We will still be paying for the same basic costs, and many of the same items — our core money is thusly effectively pooled even if we treat it differently.
In return, I’ve spent that time convincing him that our main money is pooled, but our own spending money is still ours to decide how we spend it. If I want to get him an expensive gift, he should understand that this is from my choice, my money, and my happiness to do this for him.
I should note that because of the nature of our jobs (mine is more steady than his), there are times when he makes more money, and times when I make more money. We both have comfortable incomes overall. Who can afford what is variable, and we have come to accept this. We also had cultural hurdles in coming to our current comfort: he is used to being the primary paycheck, I am a very independent woman.
No matter who is the primary paycheck in any relationship, if you enter into marriage, this is a basic sharing that you need to get used to. Do not worry about who makes more money, and who can afford more gifts — if it comes from someone you love, and if they know this makes you very happy, this is a great return gift! Plus, you’ll be sharing that gift with them from now on anyway.
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 06/23/2010 Reply