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They Want A Small, Simple Wedding & The Future Of A Relationship With No 'Spark'

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

DEAR CAT: I come from a very religious Catholic family on my mother’s side and since my fiancÃ© and I are not religious we donât want to disappoint my family by not being married in a church. Weâd be perfectly content to get married by a justice of the peace and have a small reception that extended family may attend if they wish. We just feel itâs senseless to spend money on a big wedding. I worry my mother would be heartbroken to not share my wedding with extended family in a church and Iâm hesitant to broach the subject with her. Do I plan a traditional wedding (fearing it may take on a life of its own and get out of control) or stand up for our belief that a small and simple wedding is better? — I VOTE FOR SMALL & SIMPLE

DEAR VOTE: The main reason wedding planning so often gets out of control is people feel intense pressure to produce, direct and star a once-in-a-lifetime show. Big weddings arenât for everyone, same goes for spending on them. When all is said and done (and the bridesmaids and groomsmen do their walks of shame), you should be able to look back on your wedding and smile knowing everything about it made you happy. If your mother is disappointed about the location (and the implications thereof), sheâll have to get over it. After all, itâs your day, andâ¦.Catâs Call: She loves you enough to be happy for you no matter what.

DEAR CAT: I have been in a relationship with an amazing woman for over four years. After college she moved to my area to be with me and weâve been living together for three years. I would say we are still in love and marriage is the logical next step but we are both turned off by the idea. We are very emotionally connected but our physical relationship has lost its flame for various reasons and I fear I may not be attracted to her in that way anymore. Plus, on more than one occasion sheâs gotten cold feet about our future and regretted moving here for me. It seems we need to decide our next step, for better or worse. Iâm scared I could make a huge mistake by letting her go but I also feel marriage is a long way off for us. Do we stay together or finally cut our losses and see what our future holds independently? – FOR BETTER OR WORSE

DEAR F.B.O.W.: Life is full of second-guesses and uncertainty. The key is to make thoughtful choices based on everything youâve learned until now. So your physical relationship has suffered âfor various reasons?â Hmm, maybe because 1) after four years you still donât want to marry each other and 2) sheâs repeatedly expressed regret about moving to be with you. Letâs not even guess at the other reasons. Sex isnât everything but you should have the hots for your girlfriend. Itâs always wise to give yourself time to think and breathe, maybe thatâs best done apart from each other. While youâre thinking, breathe on thisâ¦.Catâs Call: Instead of worrying about how youâd feel without her, focus on how much (or little) you feel while you still have her.

Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.

I THINK YOUR COMMENT “AND THE BRIDESMAIDS & GROOMSMEN DO THEIR WALK OF SHAME” WAS NOT ONLY RUDE, BUT 110% WRONG & INAPPROPRIATE!!! YOUR BRIDAL PARTY IS THERE TO HELP YOU CELEBRATE YOUR SPECIAL DAY, REGARDLESS WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED IN A CHURCH OR BY A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE. WHERE DOES ANY INCLINATION OF A “WALK OF SHAME” COME INTO THE EQUATION? IF YOU ARE TALKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. YOU OWE THIS COUPLE AN APOLOGY FOR EVEN MENTIONING SUCH A REFERENCE!!! THERE IS NO SHAME INVOLVED WHAT SO EVER! WHY WOULD YOU BE IN THE BRIDAL PARTY IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF YOU WERE NOT PROUD TO DO SO? THINK BEFORE YOU WRITE, COMMON SENSE GOES A LONG WAY!!!

— MARK P. 06/22/2010 Reply
Mark P., a “walk of shame” is just a reference to the walk home you take after hooking up with somebody. Maybe Cat already responded to you but jesus man, lighten up. It’s only referring to how commonplace it is for bridesmaids and groomsmen to mess around at weddings. You need to get out more.

— Bill, Cleveland OH 06/22/2010 Reply
Just love these Tuesday morning judgment calls. Here are the only logical responses to this morning’s drama.

To Vote for Small & Simple: To quote Adicus Finch, “do you know what a compromise is?” Of course you do. Now, it’s true that it’s your wedding, but if you concede just a little bit to your mother’s wishes, won’t that make both you and her happy. Alternatively, if you reject everything that she has had her heart set on (probably since you were in pig tails), is there a chance that you will eventually be miserable about it: to quote Rick “maybe not now, but soon, and for the rest of your life.” Anyway, just find a happy medium, if you can.

To F.B.O.W.: I think you know what your problem is and what the answer is; you just don’t want to be alone. Can’t really blame you, but can’t really advise you that one answer is definitely better than the other either. Like all of the other solutions to life’s problems: you just have to live the life that makes you (and the others around you) the happiest we can be. What would make you and her happiest?

— Carm in Pittsburgh 06/22/2010 Reply
Wow, let’s take up a collection and buy Mark P. some valium! Or maybe buy him a hooker – because he certainly doesn’t seem to be having much fun lately…

I’m reminded of the line from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – “His a$$ is so tight, if you pound a lump of coal up there, you’ll have a diamond in a couple minutes….”

Keep up the good work!

— Ben - Virginia 06/22/2010 Reply
I really loved your calls today Cat. Here are my calls: As a non-religious daughter of serious Catholics I think it’s very difficult to be on the balance beam in a religious family especially when you’re getting married or thinking about it. The wedding is only one step in a lifetime of potential “disappointments” to your family. I think to be modern and let everyone live as they see fit Cat’s advice was right on the money. There comes a time when children need to be who they are and parents have to accept it. They won’t let you forget it but eventually they’ll accept it! On the second question: Cat hinted but didn’t shove it down your throat: break up now! You’re too young to be in a relationship with no flame. You both sound like good, decent people who have stayed in it too long.

— Gia, Pittsburgh 06/22/2010 Reply
Dear Cat,
A small wedding and a church wedding are not mutually exclusive. People do get married in churches, and Iâm sure in temples, etc. without having a big blow out. What makes a wedding big or small is not where or who officiates, it is how many people are invited. And while weâre on the subject, a small wedding is not necessarily a simple wedding or an inexpensive wedding. What is it this bride wants – inexpensive, few guests, or a non-religious ceremony? I really think she is confusing âreligiousâ with âbig and expensiveâ. When she decides on that I think she will know what to do. Oh yeah, about the mother having to get over it, having had a mother and being a mother myself, that âtaint necessarily so. Hurt feelings and disappointment last a long time and while you may come to accept things, that doesnât mean you forget them. A childâs wedding is a big thing emotionally even if it isnât a big bash, so she should consider her motherâs wishes too.

— Catharine D. (Baldwin, PA) 06/22/2010 Reply
I was cracking up after line 2 of Mark P.‘s comment. He wrote the comment ALL IN CAPS too lol. We passed it around the office. Hey Mark P. check out urban dictionary to keep up with things. Cat almost always has something funny in her answers, take a chill pill. Ben from VA….you rock, but I’m not chipping in for that guy’s hooker :P

— Jim, Pgh 06/22/2010 Reply
Mark P. is either an angry man, old man — or both. Probably both. Yeah, like the others said, get a bag of ice and chill a bit.

I was thinking about that second letter, and if a woman tells you that she regrets moving to be near you, that should be a big red flag. Or to put it in Mark P.‘s vernacular, A BIG RED FLAG!!!

I don’t think that relationship is going anywhere. If anything, it’s regressed. It’s overcooked bread — it’s toast. Cut your losses now. It will be a tough breakup — most breakups are tough. But I think it’s time to move on.

The first letter-writer is a classic example of what my wife likes to call, “Catholic guilt.” Once a Catholic, always a Catholic. And even if you think you aren’t religious, you always have that small little priest and/or nun in the back of your head that tells you between right and wrong, scolding you when you sin and more or less guiding you through life.

I think she’s going to have to compromise. If you hurt your mother on your wedding day (yeah, it’s your wedding day), it will create a wedge between the two of you that will last your entire life. Because this isn’t something that you get to do over [except in the case of my three siblings … eight weddings, seven divorces].

But for your first wedding, compromise and find a middle ground that works for you and your mom. You won’t regret it.

— Mike, Downtown 06/22/2010 Reply
At my wedding, “shame” was not a strong enough word by a long shot because of how ugly my wife’s bridesmaids were. For my groomsmen it was more of a “walk of disgust and utter disgrace.” Sure, they made my wife look better by comparison, but man it would be great if she could scrounge together some hot friends or relatives.

— Jason from Cranberry 06/22/2010 Reply
Re: I Vote For Small And Simple.
I disagree with your response to this. Marriage IS about family. Intentionally disregarding a Mother’s feelings and having a justice of the peace marriage shows disrepect and is so hurtful — and this is suppose to be a happy event! And I don’t think the church wedding is the problem — Simple gown, two witnesses, and family/friends. An hour at most at church. I think the real issue is the wedding reception — and the best thing to do is for her to discuss her feelings with her parents and keep it small or keep it informal. I VOTE FOR THE SMALL CHURCH WEDDING.

— Marisa 06/22/2010 Reply
All those people urging LW1 to have a Catholic ceremony just to appease her mother really need to think about what’s included in that. It’s not like you’re just swapping a priest for a Justice of the Peace and moving the location. Catholic ceremonies involve professing your faith, promising to raise children Catholic, etc. If the letter writer and her fiance aren’t religious, they won’t mean it. You’re asking them to start off their marriage by lying- not a good thing in my opinion. Besides Justices of the Peace, I think Pennsylvania still allows self-uniting ceremonies where no officiant is necessary and the couple essentially marries themselves (in light of our Quaker history and their lack of formal church leaders); Universalist Unitarian clergy are usually willing to work with you to create a ceremony that matches your beliefs or lack thereof. Consider all your options, and talk to your mom. She might surprise you.

— Marie 06/24/2010 Reply