Columns
A Nephew's Ingratitude & Her Job Vs. Her Friend's Baby
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
DEAR CAT: My 18 year old nephew graduated from high school this month. His birthday was last month and, not for the first time, I sent him a card and check and I have not received acknowledgement. This happens at Christmas, too. I asked my sister (via email) if he got the card and she said yes, he just hasn’t gotten to the bank yet. This has been an ongoing issue with gifts not being acknowledged. They have my phone number, email address, and we are friends on Facebook, so it would be very easy to shoot me a âthanks!â Iâve brought this to my sister’s attention in the past, that her kids are old enough to say âthank you.â In my day we always called a distant family member to say thank you. Why should I bother to send my nephew a graduation gift? And why do I feel guilty for planning to not send one? — TO GIFT OR NOT TO GIFT
DEAR GIFT: You feel guilty because heâs your nephew and itâs a significant occasion. But you shouldâve tossed that guilt out the window upon seeing your sisterâs response, âhe hasnât gotten to the bank yet,â as if depositing the check has any bearing on his lack of manners. Of course in your day you called a family member to say thank you, in my day we did the same or sent a handwritten thank you card. People still do those things! Teenagers get lazy, sure, but my parents wouldnât have allowed me to display such ingratitude and lack of manners. On the plus side, you are not obligated to send a graduation gift. Catâs Call: A nice congratulatory card is more than adequate.
DEAR CAT: I had a fight with my friend and I still canât tell who was right or wrong. I think she was really wrong, but here it is: she talks incessantly about trying to have a baby with her husband. Iâm sorry but this subject is b-o-r-i-n-g. Great, you want to have a baby and youâre having sex with your husband in order to make one. Got it, not a difficult concept. I have an insane though terrific new job which I talked about maybe three times before she said she âreally canât think about itâ because sheâs too preoccupied. I said, âyouâre trying to have a baby, Iâm trying to have a successful career. My goal is no less important than yours.â She said I was insensitive and how could I equate those two things?! So Cat, who is right? — JOB VS. BABY
DEAR JOB: The only thing thatâs right without a doubt is your point: âmy goal is no less important than yours.â As for everything else, itâs hard to tell. You find her reproductive pursuits mind-numbingly boring and itâs quite possible she feels the same about your professional pursuits. Right now your priorities are so dissimilar itâs probably tough to find common ground. That said, itâs rarely okay to tell a friend that you refuse to think about – much more discuss â something significant in their life. It wouldnât hurt her to talk about your big, great job. It certainly wouldnât prevent her from getting pregnant. Even good friends have rough patches and this is just one of them. Give her a call and work things out. Catâs Call: Better yet, show her this column!
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.
If a kid can’t say thank you, don’t give him another dime. I blame the parents for not teaching him better.
— Mangione 06/28/2011 Reply
To gift or not to gift,
Alot of parents are lacking in gratitude, how do you expect them to teach it to their children? And it all just feeds into this “sense of entitlement” culture that people inadvertently perpetuate because they feel guilty for whatever reasons. Until he started showing some gratitude (a simple thank you would suffice) he wouldn’t get jack s@#*t from me!
— Celeste, Pittsburgh 06/28/2011 Reply
Cat you were way too easy on the baby v. job. I suspect you were trying to be delicate and not let ms. pregnancy really have it. These days all too often “trying” to have a baby means “I want a baby and that is all there is in this world.” Good for JOB for telling her so called friend that desiring a child is not a productive (or necessarily reproductive) way to spend all of one’s time. If BABY is undergoing medical assistance to get pregnant, so be it, but I get the impression that would have been mentioned. No she is just like so many women who think the act of wanting to be pregnant is unique or impressive and deserves special attention. I have two children whom I adore. I enjoyed pregnancy for the most part but even when I WAS pregnant I didn’t ignore the people in my life nor did I think my concerns or plans were any more important than theirs were. This type of person makes me boil.
— Cameron, Baltimore 06/28/2011 Reply
I agree. Years ago women never spoke about trying to have a baby because it was indecent to hint at bedroom relations. “I would like children” is just about as much as you’d hear in my mother or grandmother’s day. I for one find myself a bit uncomfrotable when a woman starts talking about getting pregnant. It’s such a private matter and I don’t feel I should be forced into a casual conversation about it. It’s also annoying, if I’m being honest. I also agree Cat went soft on her and I was surprised. I expected Cat to pull out the claws on this one!
— Lisa, South Side 06/28/2011 Reply
I’m in my 20s, so a lot of my friends are married and are beginning to start families of their own. Amazing how all of a sudden they are no longer “people” – only “moms.” Every facebook update is about their child – what they ate, when they pooped, how many hours they slept, if they cried a lot, etc. I think that I’m supposed to be understanding and realize that the baby is the most important thing in their lives right now. I also think they should also be understanding and remember that not all of us are there yet. I don’t know when I’m going to have kids, but I hope that I don’t completely lose my identity while doing so. I mean, what kind of kid would I raise then? I’d just want to control their lives to no end and hover over them, then when they grow up and have their own life, I’ll be miserable. That’s not a good way to base a relationship. So yeah, I hear it. Cat is absolutely right – friendship is about both goals being supported, no matter what. However, I think that maybe you could be to blame, too. You said that you’re job is insane and terrific – maybe be the bigger person and admit that you’re job is to you as baby making is to your friend, and that way you will find your middle ground again. I think the friend maybe was just being more forward – or who knows? Have you hinted at how boring you think baby making is? By your tone, I guess you’d probably have. I think you just got back a little of what you’ve been dishing out, probably.
— A, Pittsburgh 07/11/2011 Reply
RE: TO GIFT OR NOT TO GIFT
Send cash and don’t make an issue of it.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 06/28/2011 Reply
@Marc,
One should never send cash in the mail, ever.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 06/29/2011 Reply
Never get between a woman and her baby(-to-be). When a woman is having a baby, or trying to have one, everything else is secondary. And not sort of secondary, like barely in the picture.
About the money, family members have a way of finding new and interesting ways of frustrating you. I agree that if they live close enough, cash in an envelope is a much better idea.
(Glad the site is up and running this week!)
— Mike, Downtown 06/28/2011 Reply
There is no excuse for not saying thank-you for a gift. Cat’s point was dead on about the sister’s response. If my siblings sent my son a gift and I learned that he didn’t say thank-you, he’d get an earful. You can bet my siblings would have a thank-you the same day.
— T. 06/29/2011 Reply
As for the ungrateful nephew, he is obviously a product of his upbringing and therefore the blame should be based mainly on the parent(s). If I was TO GIFT, I wouldn’t have asked the mom if the card was received, but the nephew himself. Then, depending on his answer, I would have politely provided for him a lesson in life.
JOB VS BABY is all about where they both are in their lives at the present time, and it appears that they are far apart and may need to just have a plain ol’ fashion talk about what each one wants or should expect in regards to their relationship.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 06/29/2011 Reply
For the gifts to the nephew – been there, done that. I sent cards to my nieces & nephews on every occasion, and never got one back. Eventually I noticed that they managed to send stacks of cards to their friends. So my policy is to send cards or E-cards to kids in the family until they are 21, and that’s it unless they send one back. I did not send gifts for Christmas, birthday, etc., once they got past the little kid stage, as they already had a mountain of gifts and didn’t know what they had or who gave it to them. I gave modest graduation gifts and knew I would not get a thank you. I did give wedding gifts. That’s where it ended.
— PB from NY 06/30/2011 Reply
i say, don’t send the child money. just a card. it’s obvious, it’s become expected of his aunt to give him money and he’s not grateful for it at all. so, if he can’t be bothered to say thank you and if someone has the gall to say anything, just say ‘you had a problem with your bank.’ simple.
as for that friend issue, they both are at different places in life and neither of them is respecting the other. sure it gets boring to listen to someone trying to have a baby. there are women out there that do have issues and it can become a really big problem. Thank you God for not making it my issue. anyhow, but for this woman to make a comment that her problem is just not comparable to the baby-making issue THAT is just such a selfish, mean-spirited comment to make. there wasn’t any need for it THEREFORE, the person writing in is right and the babymaking whiner is WRONG.
— darisa, pittsburgh 07/01/2011 Reply
@darisa,
Neither one is right or WRONG. It is the situation, not the person(s).
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/05/2011 Reply
GiftNotGift: we have a niece who never acknowledged or thanked us for cards with a check or a gift, we stopped sending them to her and never heard from her again. My son went to college, several relatives sent him care packages: he didn’t thank them, and did not get another one from any of them. He asked why, was told in plain terms why, and learned his lesson. I agree with one of the above posters, the answer from your sister is telling: she didn’t give a crap, so the kid never learned to give a crap. What does the bank have to do with it? NOTHING. If I were you, I would stop sending cards with money/check, just send a card and see if you hear about it. If you do, you have a teachable moment that can serve them for a lifetime.
Job/Baby: I totally understand your side, and agree that your friend is being too selfish at this point. Perhaps you should find a new friend, or limit the amount of time you spend with this person until they have a kid? Did they always monopolize conversations, or just recently?
— Wertzro in Pittsburgh 07/07/2011 Reply