Columns
She's "Only" A Housewife & He's Vacationing With His Ex, Not His Girlfriend
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
DEAR CAT: I have been a housewife ever since I got married. My friends will say Iâm âonlyâ a housewife because I have no children, like if I were a mother my life would have meaning. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage based on total equality but this concept is difficult, if not impossible, for people to understand. I manage our home and all our personal things. My life is fulfilling but people make me feel bad whenever Iâm asked âwhat do you do?â As a professional woman I wonder if you can understand where Iâm coming from. If so, can you please let the world know there is no shame in not having a job and focusing your life on your home and your marriage. Thank you. â NOT ONLY A HOUSEWIFE
DEAR HOUSEWIFE: Youâre hardly the only person who chooses not to have a paying job. Some people might not respect that choice, some might be jealous, most wonât give a hoot what you do all day. Your choice to work (or not) is nobody elseâs business unless you live at the expense of someone who resents it. As for motherhood, that is really, truly, super duper nobody elseâs business. Nothing is in poorer taste than to comment on someoneâs parental status, or lack thereof. The next time someone tries to make you feel bad about your life, defend yourself. Until then, think on thisâ¦Catâs Call: If you need other peopleâs approval of your life, maybe youâre not as fulfilled as you claim.
DEAR CAT: My much older, twice-divorced boyfriend and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. He has an 8 year old daughter and a civil relationship with his ex-wife. The issue: his parents want him and his son to vacation with them but my boyfriendâs mother “accidentally” invited the ex-wife because she assumed it was the only way their granddaughter could fly with them to their vacation home. Although my beau will be staying in a separate room from his ex and their child, I do not trust his ex-wife. I want either: a) the ex-wife to not go, b) my beau to not go, or c) that I be allowed to go along, which might risk my boyfriend being unfairly divided in his time commitments and allegiances. What is your call? —THE BOYFRIEND’S OBVIOUS 1ST CHOICE
DEAR 1ST CHOICE: Wow, you used the words âallowed to goâ as though you are the child in this scenario. You should have been âinvited to goâ from the moment the trip was suggested. That means your inclusion in the vacation should have been automatic and assumed. If you are in a committed relationship your boyfriend has no right to vacation with another woman even if itâs his ex-wife. Both his ex and mother should expect your presence in family plans, outings and events, especially after three years! So your presence unfairly taxes your manâs ability toâ¦what? Flirt with his ex-wife? Convince his mommy heâs not really taken? If you both see this relationship becoming permanent, he better man-up and treat you as his first choice. Andâ¦Catâs Call: You shouldnât tolerate anything less.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call to Housewife: Your friends are bitches. I guess if you were an accountant without children you would “only” be a accountant. Next time your friends insult you like that tell them women are more than just mothers. Quit feeling bad about your life and enjoy your wonderful marriage!
— Candice NY 06/29/2010 Reply
On the second question: Something is wrong with that whole picture and it all points to the boyfriend and his parents. If they accidentally invited his ex wife, they accidentally didn’t invite you and even if we were to assume that actually happened that way, why hasn’t your boyfriend bought you a ticket for the trip? Of course she says she doesn’t trust his ex-wife but it’s the boyfriend she has to worry about. The ex-wife can’t do anything the boyfriend doesn’t allow. I agree he needs to man up but she’s got to woman-up and tell him he better include her on the trip or he’s no longer included in her life.
— Mark - Pittsburgh 06/29/2010 Reply
Letâs face it: most married women have two jobs: one managing a home and personal things, and another, often away from home, which usually entails doing something in exchange for a paycheck. Many married women who have children have a third job â that of parent. The fact that you have one job when most others have two or three will seem odd to some people.
Also, many married women crave the positive reinforcement that a paycheck provides. In other words â money is great for improving self-esteem. If someone is willing to pay money in exchange for your time or a service you provide, it can be very uplifting. Most women arenât going to get that by managing a home and personal things. For most, while one might receive the occasional thanks for it, the repetition of it is not all that fulfilling â especially when you donât get paid for it.
Your life sounds lovely â orderly and serene. If you are truly happy, just enjoy yourself and tune out any rude questions or comments. Also note that some people may just be genuinely curious about why you arenât trying to cram a thousand things into one day like so many over-worked, over- scheduled people do.
— Paula PA 06/29/2010 Reply
For 1st choice: Something isn’t right here. Your boyfriend’s mother did NOT “accidentally” invite the ex wife, and then “forget” to include you. It’s time to find out where you stand—tell your boyfriend either you go along, or that’s the end of the relationship. I agree with Mark, and I’m wondering why your boyfriend didn’t step up to the plate and 1) ask why you weren’t invited; and 2) insist that if you didn’t go along, none of you were going. I was in a similar situation for 7 years, and take it from me—if you don’t do this now, you’re in for a world of hurt later on. If he can’t stand up to his mother and then puts his ex-wife’s feelings above yours, any further commitment to this relationship on your part is pointless. And don’t let him hand you any BS about it being “in the best interest of the child” to keep the peace, either. It has nothing to do with the child—it’s all about him and what he wants. What YOU want will never occur to him. Is that really what you want?
Good luck. I hope he mans up for your sake, but if he doesn’t, that’s his loss.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 06/29/2010 Reply
My call: Cat and “Paula PA” offer interesting viewpoints on the Housewife dilemma. The fact is the grass is always greener. I was a housewife for 8 years and I’m not saying “quit complaining because you have a charmed life” because that doesn’t exist in reality but there is lack of sympathy you’ll get because people like your friends resent you not having to work. Let’s be honest, most people wouldn’t work if they didn’t have to. Being a housewife is neither shameful or glorious just like working people shouldn’t be applauded just because they work. If “housewife” got a job just for the hell of it there would be people who’d say, “you don’t even need that job, what are you trying to prove?” It’s a no win situation.
— Kim, Pgh 06/29/2010 Reply
Boyfriend’s 1st Choice: don’t make the mistake of too many women make by relieving your ‘beau’ of any accountability. If his parents felt you were his 1st Choice you’d be invited on the trip. It’s been three years you’ve been together for god’s sake. The ONLY way to fix this situation is to walk out while he’s away. Don’t take his calls or texts, just leave. When he gets back let him bend over backwards for you and take him back only if he proposes….then take time thinking about it. Make him sweat. This is the tried and true solution. I wouldn’t think of taking a trip without my wife, even when she was just my girlfriend.
For the Housewife: get some new friends.
— Sammy in CA 06/29/2010 Reply
To Housewife: My husband and I have a similar arrangement, only he is the houseperson. It wasn’t a conscious choice on our part for him to quit working, but the situation works out very well for us.
The income that I earn at my job covers our bills and leaves us a bit for extras. I enjoy my work and the folks I work with. He enjoys taking care of the household and working on personal projects that he never had time to do when he worked outside the home.
Some people look at us like we’re nuts, and some are totally jealous that they aren’t as happy as we are. I guess my point is this: Don’t let anyone tell you that a lifestyle that makes you happy is wrong, and don’t let them make you feel like you have to make excuses. Cheers!
— Elizabeth - Pittsburgh 06/29/2010 Reply
On the second question, hey, you’re JUST the girlfriend. And in the eyes of the family, that could mean that you’re seen as temporary. Because if you were perceived as more than that, you’d have been invited. Which could mean that his family doesn’t like you. That’s always a possibility.
Some parents don’t want the boyfriend or girlfriend along on vacation. Only spouses … and ex-spouses.
— Mike, Downtown 06/29/2010 Reply
Hi Cat, Great column today! Regarding the person who answers “just a housewife” … I offer a fancier job title: Domestic Engineer. Your own ‘boss’, your own ‘office’, your own ‘schedule’, best ‘benefits’ … can’t beat that! (FYI …. No, I am not a ‘domestic engineer,’ but would certainly like to be lucky enough to have the opportunity to be one.)
Just had to respond (one more time today) … Boyfriend’s response to the invitation: “Sure, we’d love to vacation with you!” Certainly the 8-year old could fly for the same price with her father as with her mother, eh? A ‘parent’ is a ‘parent’ regardless of gender!
— M. Smith 06/29/2010 Reply
Only a bored housewife would worry this much about what other people think of her life’s purpose. If this was from a ‘house-husband’ he’d be psyched about not having to work. Glad Cat didn’t pander to her. Maybe 1% of people work because they want to. Most people have jobs because they HAVE to. If they could get away with not working, they’d do what Housewife does all day, which is…….who cares. That’s the point.
— Thomboy 06/29/2010 Reply
1st Choice is fooling herself. My call: Dump the guy. Heâs got too much baggage. Both mothers donât want you and will make your life miserable. And if the ex wasnât still after him she would have said âSay what?â
— Barbara (Florida) 06/29/2010 Reply
Sounds to me like the mother is using this vacation as an opportunity to get the boyfriend and ex-wife back together and the boyfriend seemed to have no objections. Why (when he told her the ex was coming along) wasn’t that immediately followed by “will you feel comfortable being around my ex?” He doesn’t want the girlfriend to go along, that’s why. My call: Pack your bags and enjoy a single (childless) vacation without Mr. Mommy Made Game Player.
— N. 06/29/2010 Reply
Cat,
I just had to respond to the letter from Housewife. I bet if all of her friends were married to men who made more than enough money to support their life without the woman having to work, they wouldnât work either. Sheâs living the life she wants to live and is enjoying it. When they try to make her feel bad about it, she should rub it in from her side of the fence. Truth be told, theyâre just jealous because she has more freedom than they do. Sheâs living happily with her choices and does not need to answer for it to anyone! When people ask her what she does, she should answer with a really big smile on her face. Iâm single, no children and I work. $#&%@!
— L.S., Georgia 06/29/2010 Reply
Gotta disagree with Cat on 1st Choice. She wasn’t his first choice; his ex-wife was. They made a baby together and created an eternal bond between grandparent and grandchild. Divorce doesn’t dissolve that link.
The vacation his parents envision (and in their case, are funding) involves their family. The girlfriend has no right to demand that they include her or exclude the mother of their grandchild. I get that she’s disappointed, but she can’t just get her way by telling other people how she wants things done.
The ex-wife is a permanent part of her boyfriend’s life. Whether or not she trusts her is irrelevant. If she doesn’t trust her boyfriend, that’s a different story.
— Michelle in Verona 06/30/2010 Reply
Cat:
Regarding your last comments on the ex wife and the gf not being asked to join the family, regardless of the fact that they have been dating for 3 years, the guy has children with his ex and they were once married so they will always share a bond and it is no surprise that the mother invited the ex wife due to circumstances revolving around the children being able to travel. The ex wife is and will always be part of the boyfriend’s family and part of each other’s lives because they have children together. As far as the girlfriend is concerned she is not now nor was she ever married to the boyfriend and they have no children together so basically they have no real bond together let alone an engagement ring. Furthermore she has only been his girlfriend for 3 years. So why should the bf or boyfriend’s family have any sense of obligation to invite the girlfriend on vacation?
— Thad Luckingbill, Cleveland 07/15/2010 Reply