Columns
Too Hurt For Too Long (Cat's Call Special Edition)
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
THE QUESTION BELOW CAME IN MARCH 11TH. AS YOU WILL NOTICE, IT HAS NOT BEEN EDITED IN ANY WAY. THIS IS HOW MANY QUESTIONS LOOK BEFORE I EDIT THEM FOR PUBLICATION, AND THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF ONE THAT LIKELY WOULD NOT MAKE ITS WAY INTO THE COLUMN SIMPLY DUE TO LENGTH. THE WRITER SIGNED HER REAL NAME RATHER THAN AN ANONYMOUS SIGNATURE SO IâM CALLING HER âTOO HURT FOR TOO LONG.â HAVE A GO AT ‘CALLING’ IT AS-IS. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THAT’S WHAT I DID.
DEAR CAT: I am so really frustrated and I am writing you in lieu of going ballistic on the man this e-mail is concerning. I met this man when I was 15 years old…and he was 18. He was my brothers roommate in college and I have been attracted to him ever since. he has been in and out of my life for the past 11 years…and in my mind longer. He lives in Manhattan, but came in to Chicago to see his son every weekend. In November of 2009….he professed that he had a crush on me….and started kissing me intensely…but pulled away and claimed he was in a relationship. We had kept in contact at least once a month via phone or e-mail and when he was in town we would go out and maybe share some few stolen moments. no sex. just kissing and touching base. Until October, when he said he was moving his son to Manhattan permanently in a text and I was distraught to say the least because he just dismissed me and thatâs it….I was hurt and found someone to take his place…just to numb the pain…4 months later…I call him and he says he is coming in to town in two days and he asked me what I was doing and I was frozenâ¦I didn’t know what to say…I was frozen…he repeated himself again and I said I had plans for the Saturday and Sunday and he said lets see each other on Friday. I said ok….he came with wine and flowers in hand and went out and he said he had broken it off with the other woman and he was interested in me. I gave in we had sex…and it was off…but I just pawned it off as all this hype after all these years …a lot of anticipation…yadda yadda…had a wonderful weekend still kept my other plans…long and short.. He left…and called an hour after he left…and called when he got home….its been distant ever since….he called last Thursday late and an e mail but that is it…I know he is not into me you do not have to tell me that…I just don’t know what to do with the feelings from all the years…I haven’t talked to him I don’t call him or text him…just what do I do with al the feelings I have been harboring…I mope around…like someone dyed…I am mourning a loss….this isn’t the first time I have been hurt by him… I camouflaged it with another man…with the past that we had…and all the history…I have been blown off like I was a bad first date…and I am just distraught…it is the end the end of a 32 year old dream. and I am heartbroken. just heartbroken. I was told never to call him never to talk to him again….but what do I do about the disappointment. What should I do. just wait it out …because time heals all wounds…or just call him and confront him just to get closure…thanks….[womanâs name]
DEAR TOO HURT FOR TOO LONG: I believe in waiting for the right relationship but eleven years (even eleven months) is too long to fixate on someone who offers nothing more than occasional, fleeting interest. You donât want to âconfrontâ him, you just miss him and want to talk to him. Thatâs understandable but it wonât fix your desperation. All these months youâve been dating someone else to ânumb the painâ but it hasnât worked, so youâre stringing someone along just as youâve been strung along and thatâs not fair. The truth is, when it comes to a broken heart, closure is an elusive thing. Mr. M.I.A. canât give it to you. Only time and space will allow you perspective. Cat’s Call: Then you’ll be able to open your heart to someone else.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.
Cat I want you to know I’ve read your column about a million times and have often wondered what details are left out of the stories/questions. Then this “special edition” appears and I’m finally like “yeah!” I honestly could not have predicted with the length of this question I’d be wondering about any details but I still am! Where’s the brother in this story? I kept thinking that the whole way through. Towards the end she says she was told never to call him or talk to him again, I want to know, told by who? I feel bad for her but I feel bad for her stand-in boyfriend too. My call: See this is what happens when women confuse a strong or intense hookup with emotional passion. It’s too bad. He used her and she’s all screwed up because of it.
— Cass, USA 06/07/2011 Reply
I know lots of people who have been through this – both men and women. She needs to go through a mourning period and then leave this loser as a distant memory and move on. It may take a long time but she’ll find someone else who is different and better than the guy in question, and if that does not happen, she will still be better off.
— PB from NY 06/07/2011 Reply
First of all – I can’t speak for others, but I prefer today’s format – unedited and original. Now that you’re not encumbered by the print limitations from PPG, I vote to keep it.
As for the story – I know a guy (OK, it was me) who still carries around some extra baggage from a brutal heartache which occured in his teen years – over 30 years ago. People hurt differently, People heal differently. People handle things differently. I think she’ll be fine, as soon as she realizes it was simply never meant to be. Getting to that point is the challenge.
Now, there is also a bit of contradiction here – how about the guy she used to “numb the pain”? Isn’t she being just as unfair to him as the other jerk was to her? Did she tell him she was just using him as a rebound pogo stick? I doubt that. That’s where women can be unfair, in my opinion – it’s boo-hoo-hoo, he done me wrong…., then they turn around and crap on on someone else. I’ll probably get smacked around for saying that.
— Ben VA 06/07/2011 Reply
Ben – thanks for weighing in on the unedited format of today’s column. It felt strange to publish something without editing but to my surprise I rather like this format.
— Cat 06/07/2011 Reply
@Ben
ââ¦how about the guy she used to ânumb the painâ? Isnât she being just as unfair to him as the other jerk was to her? Did she tell him she was just using him as a rebound pogo stick? I doubt that. Thatâs where women can be unfair, in my opinion â itâs boo-hoo-hoo, he done me wrongâ¦., then they turn around and crap on on someone else. Iâll probably get smacked around for saying that.â
Did you even read Catâs reply? She already addressed that issue. Therefore, there is no reason to feel like you may be âsmacked around.â
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 06/07/2011 Reply
Ben in VA — “Thatâs where women can be unfair, in my opinion â itâs boo-hoo-hoo, he done me wrongâ¦., then they turn around and crap on on someone else. Iâll probably get smacked around for saying that.”
Of course you need a smack for that if you’re implying only women do this in an unfair manner. Men do it too honey! It’s a personality type, NOT a gender, and certain personality types, perhaps “genetically depressive/obsessive” types, do this all too often. There are those people who will use others after a bad relationship, some intentionally, some obliviously, but still use others to dull the pain or hide from it. Attempting to lable it a specific gender is unfair and certainly far from reality. Unless you’ve walked in the other gender’s shoes and have seen it from both sides, don’t just go by your own narrow vision.
— Louisa from Pittsburgh 06/14/2011 Reply
I have known so many people who have this kind of problem in their lives as well. I have a hard time deciding what to say to these people in this situation. I wish I could them to get them to wake up and realize that they are identifying themselves by the person they are with. I feel like people in this situation need to find themselves and love themselves as an individual, without a significant other. It is my ultimate opinion that if you are happy with yourself and where you are in life, you project confidence. That confidence and happiness attracts others who are likewise confident and happy and can lead you towards finding the satisfaction of being with someone who is mentally healthy and treats you with honesty and respect…unlike the guy this LW has been obsessed with for all these years.
— Deanna, Johnstown 06/07/2011 Reply
Too Hurt for Too Long is a walking emotional mess, and that goes without saying, but it still had to be said.
She allows a dog of a man to ruin how many years of her personal (relationship) life? Too many.
The word has been out, and for quite some time, that there are many fish in the sea, Too Hurt. I suggest you get a pole and go fishing… it would do you good.
Now, about the guy who “took his place.”
I don’t feel sorry for him at all. I would bet he wanted to be manipulated. After all, he got sex, and that is what most men want any way… sex.
— LeBron from Pittsburgh 06/07/2011 Reply
I actually am not fond of the unedited format. I found it sort of hard to follow what the letter writer was saying. A little light editing (maybe cutting down on some of the elipses) would be helpful for improving clarity.
— Maura, New Jersey 06/07/2011 Reply
I’m not sure what to say, although I generally agree with LeBron. And I also agree with Maura about some light editing — to increase readability.
— Mike, Downtown 06/07/2011 Reply
To Maura & Mike – Good calls, some editing is the way to go. I’ve always liked a tidy column. Otherwise Cat’s Call would look like the print version of a call-in radio show.
— Cat 06/07/2011 Reply
I agree that the letter is confusing and hard to follow, but I do like seeing the entire letter in the writer’s voice. Perhaps just light editing, especially spelling and grammar; I vote to keep it.
It is clear that this woman must work to get over this guy or she will be vulnerable to being taken advantage of by him and missing out on a positive relationship. And of course let the other poor fellow off the hook – gently. Know that there are many good people out there, and you will likely meet someone who fires your engines when you least expect it. Focus on yourself and let go of that old schoolgirl crush.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 06/07/2011 Reply
Cat, Although I’ve been reading your column for a long time, this is the first time I’m posting a comment. First I’d like to say that I like the new format, with or without editing. Although I agree with Nancy on the spelling and grammar editing, any other editing may detract from the tone of the letter.
I wanted to respond today because I’ve been going through something similar and this column hit home. For me it’s only been 6 months. I dated someone for a short time (a month) but fell hard and fast. He continued to stay in touch and we saw each other once in a while to catch up, then he turned on me. Even though he became cruel, I’ve still had trouble getting over my feelings for him. I came to the conclusion yesterday that distance and time will be the only way to get past it, then I read today’s column and saw that Cat advises the same. I also thought that if I met someone else it would help ease the pain but I’ve been avoiding that because it would not be fair of me to start something new without being over the old. TOO HURT has the advantage of distance since they are in different towns. I now have had to change my habits so I won’t run into him. I guess I just wanted to say to TOO HURT that even though there is no easy answer or “cure” for falling OUT of love, have faith in yourself and know that you will wake up one day and not think of him. Try to remove or avoid anything that brings back a memory, change a routine if you need to, and most of all feel comfort in knowing you are not the only one that has been or is going through it.
— BrB, Pittsburgh 06/07/2011 Reply
Yes, you just wait it out. And in the meantime feel all of the feelings that you have, write about them in a journal. Perhaps start a new hobby, read some books, concentrate on the wonderful person you are, not the jerk you think he is. Your life is all about you, and if he doesn’t want to be in it, screw him! You are wasting far too much of your valuable time thinking about him. I’m sure you are a wonderful caring human being with alot to offer someone and by concentrating on yourself for awhile (and not him) you will be able to open your heart to someone that deserves you. I know, easier said than done. But like Greg Behrendt says…“I’ts called a breakup because it’s broken.” And you need to stop worrying about getting closure from him and finding it within youself and be done with him once and for all.
— Celeste, Pittsburgh 06/07/2011 Reply
Celeste, I couldn’t say it any better.
— Elizabeth - Pittsburgh 06/10/2011 Reply
RE: Too Hurt For Too Long
Stop dating until your issues are resolved.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 06/08/2011 Reply
Could her self-esteem possibly be any lower? She believes she deserves to be treated this way and has spent all this time encouraging him and being baited by him. Even after being blown off, she still pines. There’s no way that she’s ever going to get over this guy without some big-time self discovery.
— Robert, Pittsburgh 06/11/2011 Reply