Columns
Too Soon To Pop The Question? And...His Former Friends Treat Him Like Dirt
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
DEAR CAT: I met a lovely lady in early December and we have been dating ever since. Both of us feel strongly that weâve found our soul mate and will never break up. We have discussed the idea of living together. I have two children from a previous marriage who live with me part time and theyâve been interacting with her for a couple months. They have both asked me to marry her. My question: Are we moving too fast? Both of us are around 40 and know exactly what we are looking for. Not only was it love at first sight, it was also instant compatibility. To be honest, if not for the kids I would already have asked. My friends come down on either side of the argument; no one doubts that we are a great couple but several think itâs too soon. Iâve known people to date for years and get divorced, while others date only a brief amount of time and have forty-plus years of marriage. Is this too fast or are we too old to waste time? â NOT A PLANNER
DEAR PLANNER: First, thereâs no such thing as âtoo fastâ when youâre mature, ready for marriage, and completely in love. Second, youâre not too old for anything so donât let thoughts like that influence such an important decision. Youâve lived enough to know what you want and, most importantly, what you donât want. Your friends care about you but they donât live your life and may not share your romantic spirit. Hey, once my parents felt ready to get married, they tied the knot six weeks later and were blissfully married for thirty-eight years. Catâs Call: Thatâs just something to think about while you shop for a ring.
DEAR CAT: I need some clarity on this matter: Former coworkers from a position I held a year ago have suddenly taken a strong interest in me. We were friendly while I held that job but things suddenly hit the fan when I was fired. All of them began a “Kick Me While I’m Down” scenario by completely dropping me, spreading untrue rumors around about me and outright disrespecting me. One year later they also lost their jobs, yet when they invited me to social gatherings they made a point to demean and harass me about my life and how I got fired. Do people do this to elevate themselves, or make themselves feel better? — FIRED THEN FIRED-AT
DEAR FIRED: People are mean for any number of reasons, itâs not always possible to know why. Itâs curious why former coworkers would treat you with such disdain, but itâs downright incomprehensible why youâd hang out with them again and put yourself in the line of fire. My hunch says theyâre not doing it to benefit themselves, rather to send you a clear message. What that message is, youâd know better than I (something went down at that former job and youâre not talking.) Iâm not coming down on you, Iâm just pointing out the simple fact that when it comes to people who are inclined to be nasty, if you give them a targetâ¦.Catâs Call: Theyâll fire.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat, the interesting point about this story (FIRED THEN FIRED-AT) is that the writer paints the ex-friends as acting in concert. And the key to your answer is whatâs in parentheses.
— I.P. Jerusalem 06/08/2010 Reply
Couple of things:
First of all: glad this website is working again!
B: For Planner, grab the brass ring if you think its right and can’t do anything else.
and 3: For Fired, seems like your friends (or former co-workers) are just plaint jagoffs; some people are like that you know.
Great to be able to respond to CAT’s Call again!
— Carm in Pittsburgh 06/08/2010 Reply
Congratulations on finding a great lady Planner. Put a ring on her finger and do not look back!
— Brandon, Pittsburgh PA 06/08/2010 Reply
I guess the first question proves there never comes a time when people stop offering negative opinions no matter how positive a situation is. I was inspired reading this story and he shouldn’t listen to his friends who say it’s too soon to get married. He has kids and it would be wonderful if their father married a woman he loves. Excellent call Cat, and thank you for sharing your parents’ marriage story, it was inspirational too! I wonder what advice they would give.
— Jen, Pittsburgh 06/08/2010 Reply
I agree that something happened at that job. Also, being colleagues doesn’t necessarily mean that your colleagues like or respect you. There was a serious breakdown in the workplace relationship, if they’re still bagging on the person after they got fired.
Regarding the guy who found his “soulmate,” hopefully it works out. I’ve known people who found their soulmate only to end wondering where it all went wrong six months later. But if it’s true — don’t let others convince you that it’s too soon.
— Mike, Pittsburgh 06/08/2010 Reply
My first marriage I knew the girl about 3 days and it lasted almost 10 months. My second marriage I knew her my whole life and we got an anulment after a little dustup on the honeymoon, so you just never know. My latest wife I never met other than pictures on the service’s website and I know it will last several years due to her immigration status.
— Jason from Cranberry 06/08/2010 Reply
Haha Jason, very funny. On this question when it comes down to it, you’re still learning about your spouse years into being together, that’s part of the journey. The question Not A Planner needs to ask himself (as does his girlfriend) is whether he wants to learn about her for the next fifty years. My wife and I have been together for 20years including five years before we got married and I look forward to seeing her throughout our life together. Planner has kids so he knows about lifetime committment. My call: If their heart is in it, go for it.
— Bob, Maryland 06/08/2010 Reply
If you have met your soulmate (and I am married to mine), there’s no reason to wait to pop the question. However, you could have a nice extended engagement period to deal with all the questions and uncertainties, and then get married. You can still do all those romantic things the second time around – get engaged, have enjoyable outings, meet the rest of the family, spend holidays together, plan the wedding and honeymoon. Hey – nothing’s perfect, but if it’s your soulmate you will stick it out throughout any adversity and have a fulfilling relationship that many people dream of but never really achieve. We were also in our 40s when we got married. Go for it!
— PB from NY 06/08/2010 Reply
For (FIRED THEN FIRED-AT),
I believe that something did go down before, or about when you got fired. As a result of whatever went down these former co-work folks are making a point a year later or whatever it has been to get back at you. Or, perhaps considering that these folk lost their jobs too they want some company with who they have something in common with.
However, these folks seem really insecure and immature. I lost a job once, and never heard from co-workers I used to be friendly with. They didn’t come after me long after I lost that job.
Just ignore these folks, and consider the source. They are just being jerks. Plus, it goes to show you that they are no better if they lost their jobs too at some point.
— Jeff from Sewickely 06/09/2010 Reply