Columns
He's Tired Of 'Caving' & A Panty For Your Thoughts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
DEAR CAT: My wife and I have been married for over ten years, with three beautiful children. Our marital problems started four years ago when I found emails between her and a âfriendâ sheâd known for years and it was obvious they had a serious relationship. After that, she wanted a separation and I moved out. Nine months later we decided to try again. For the next few years we struggled but I thought we were going to make it. Then I found her email account which showed sheâd had several relationships, one with the âfriendâ from earlier. I confronted her and said Iâd stay on one condition: that she cut off all contact with that man. She agreed. Recently I logged into Facebook and thought it was my account, but it was actually hers. I found that sheâd contacted that guy to talk about the funeral of a mutual high school friend. I was furious and made the mistake of telling my wife that I was âdoneâ and we discussed divorcing. Itâs not what I want, but what can I do? Can I stay without looking like Iâm caving in as usual? How do I make sure I never feel this way again? Can I live with the fact that she may talk to him again? — WHAT CAN I DO?
DEAR WHAT: What can you do? Anything you want. You can stay and continue rummaging through your wifeâs emails or you can leave and start on a new road. The one thing you canât do is make sure you never feel this way again because thereâs no way to guarantee feelings. She violated your trust and that will hurt for a long time – perhaps forever. Yes, you can âmake things workâ but being realistic about your own feelings is paramount. And yes, you can live with the possibility that sheâll talk to him again because youâve already lived with it all this time. Catâs Call: That possibility exists whether you stay or go.
DEAR CAT: I am a 100% straight man, happily married for 17 years. Like most men I very much enjoy seeing my wife in lingerie but I also enjoy wearing women’s bras, panties, etc. Especially panties. They are so much more comfy to wear, and what a selection of options to choose from! Menâs underwear is boring. I began wearing women’s intimate apparel when I was 10-13 years old, in private mostly. It was, and still is, a great feeling. Sometimes I wear stuff under my man clothes. I am not the only straight man who enjoys this (I know for a fact men have gotten measured for bras at a local lingerie store). I am very interested in your opinion on this topic, whatever it might be. PS: I am happy being a man, I don’t want to be a woman and I don’t want to live like a woman, I simply enjoy women’s intimate apparel. â MY LITTLE SECRET
DEAR SECRET: I wonât give you my entire opinion becauseâ¦I just wonât. I will say that your penchant for wearing womenâs lingerie is not just about comfort because menâs underwear is plenty comfy. I will also say the thrill you get from putting on womenâs underwear makes me wonder: does your wife know about this? People think nothing of a woman wearing her manâs shirt or lounging around in boxers but a straight man who secretly enjoys wearing womenâs lingerie and refers to his own wardrobe as âman clothesââ¦.Catâs Call: Thatâs a different story.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!
For ‘what can I do”: it’s not caving when it’s your wife.
For ‘my little secret’: if this question isn’t a joke, you are gay. The straight men you know who get bras are not straight, you all say you’re straight but you’re not.
— Bill, DC 07/12/2011 Reply
Yes you can ‘cave’ to your spouse and he shouldn’t do it anymore. Ten years, three children and she can’t stop communicating with one man out of her whole lifetime……..that’s grounds for divorce. I love my husband and I anticipate we’ll be together for our entire lives but I can say if he had an affair and we found a way to work past it, then he kept talking to that same woman, it’d be over. I can’t live like that. Maybe “what can I do?” can.
On the panty question, I have to agree with the comments already here. Straight men like womens lingerie for one reason: it invites sex with the woman who’s wearing it. There is no straight woman on the earth who would be turned on by a man in womens panties because it’s not man-like, not even talking about straight or not, it’s just not a man thing. I bet the wife does not know about this.
— Melissa in Pittsburgh 07/12/2011 Reply
Bill from DC has it right and I suspect Cat does too but she declined to give her “entire opinion”. Straight men don’t want to wear women’s lingerie, ever. It’s the last thing a straight man would wear. I’d walk around in a toga before sporting a bra and panties. That’s not because of a he-man macho mindset it’s because women’s lingerie is for women. It’s designed for womens’ bodies.
— Conman NY 07/12/2011 Reply
To ‘my little secret.’ Whatever floats your boat, but don’t expect people to understand if you tell them.
— Brandon - Pittsburgh 07/12/2011 Reply
You’re right Cat, nobody thinks anything of a woman walking around the house in her man’s shirt or boxers but that is her man’s shirt or boxers. This guy is getting fitted for bras and whatever and he’s been into this since puberty setting in. That means one thing: gay.
— Carl 07/12/2011 Reply
Being straight is about being attracted to the opposite gender, not about what you like to wear! My Little Secret is very clearly straight, he is not looking to find other men, he is very attracted to his wife. He just likes to wear women’s underwear.
MLS: What you are describing is a Fetish. There is nothing wrong with this, as long as you’re honest with your partner about your fetish, and your partner is accepting of this. And I suspect that your wife knows about this, since clearly you’ve been doing this your 17 years with her. If you haven’t talked about this openly with her, though, it may be time to find some support groups for fetishes online to find out a good way to approach this topic with her in a comfortable way.
And Melissa, there are several straight women on earth who are turned on by men in women’s clothing. I am one!
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 07/12/2011 Reply
Uh oh, Cat, you and Bill got this one wrong. Do a little web research on cross-dressing and you will learn that it does not designate sexual preference. While many cross-dressers are gay, many are straight. There is overlap, but the wearing of panties, in particular, is quite popular with a significant group of straight men. It can be a sensuality thing.
I am surprised to see this response, along with the obvious suggestion of negativity relating to homosexuality from the commenters. Secret, if you write to Dear Margo, Dan Savage, or even Dear Abby and you will be advised, as you should be, that it is not unusual for a straight man to enjoy the sensations of wearing women’s lingerie, and that hopefully your wife can enjoy it with you. She may not, and you will have to respect her feelings.
Good luck and remember that YOU are the one who knows your sexuality best – whatever it is, it’s okay! There is room in this world for all of us, and you are not alone.
It’s 2011, people.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 07/12/2011 Reply
Pretty much what she said. My husband enjoys women’s lingerie, both on me and on him. I enjoy women’s lingerie, both on me and on him. I don’t get the problem. If Mrs. MLS is comfortable with his fetish, I say, “No harm, no foul.”
— Elizabeth - Pittsburgh 07/12/2011 Reply
Sorry Nancy (and Elizabeth) but first of all I think you misread Cat’s opinion and secondly you assume the wife knows about this, which she doesn’t obviously or he would have said “my wife thinks nothing of it but I know there is some kind of taboo about this so I would like Cat’s opinion as well.” Has anyone noticed that no men have said “this is normal for a heterosexual man, can’t see why’d you’d write to an advice column about it” Cat’s line about “man clothes” made me laugh. It’s true! Drag queens are the only men who have man clothes AND women clothes. You are gay buddy. Nothing wrong with it but you are.
— Rich, Oakland 07/12/2011 Reply
Since the only straight men who wrote in believe in a stereotype, that’s your proof the stereotype is true? Sorry, but do your research. Cross-dressing is way more common among straight men than gay men. After all, kind of the whole point of being a gay man is that you don’t find much about women sexy, including their lingerie. It’s also a completely different issue than being transgendered as well. It’s a fetish, the same as people who like bondage, grown women in schoolgirl outfits , and any other thing you can think of. What your kink is has nothing to do with which gender you’re attracted to.
It’s sad that Cat, who usually gives decent advice, here retreats into false stereotypes just because she finds someone’s fetish weird. Everyone has a kink, though some are more mainstream than other. Shame on you Cat! Trust me, there’s something you find appealing that a lot of other people would find strange as well.
— Maria 07/13/2011 Reply
“Shame” on me? That’s rather extreme, and for what reason? I didn’t accuse “My Little Secret” of anything. In the interest of length I did not include my entire opinion, and I wrote that in the first line. I then pointed out to him that using comfort as the explanation is silly because it’s obvious comfort is not the issue. I further pointed out that he neglected to mention whether his wife knows about this fetish; a salient point for a couple married 17 years. Lastly, I pointed out that there is a difference between a woman lounging around in her man’s t-shirt and a man who secretly wears women’s underwear, to the extent that he refers to his clothes as “man clothes.” Thanks for your comments.
— Cat 07/13/2011 Reply
Right on Cat! Very nice to see a comment from you on here. Please engage here more often! I liked your answer to Little Secret and the first question very much by the way.
— Cam, Pittsburgh 07/13/2011 Reply
Hey Maria it’s ironic you assume the men commenting here are straight. You are a woman, what do you know about being a man? You can defend crossdressing all you want but it’s usually a sign of homosexuality. Lots of gay men say they’re straight and live as straight men. I know several of them. Some are married with kids. Some are single who date women exclusively. They will never come out. This wife has a right to know her husband’s secret fixation because she should judge for herself. It is not for you to say what is acceptable to another couple.
— Moncho, Beverly Hills 07/13/2011 Reply
Oh for Pete’s sake! The writer is wondering how his fetish is viewed by society at large. He was not asking whether or not he is gay – he already knows he is not. He needs support that his harmless fetish is okay, that’s all. It is both sad and surprising that so many folks don’t seem to think it’s okay and fly off in the direction of his sexual preference. Newsflash: gay people know that they are gay.
RIch, your statement that “Drag queens are the only men who have man clothes AND women clothes” is completely wrong. There is infinite variety in this world, and the fact that you have not encountered something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. At the very least, research cross-dressing before making erroneous statements in a public forum. You will find that the definition includes gay, straight & bi.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 07/13/2011 Reply
Nancy you say “he already knows he is not gay” but that is not accurate. He says he is not gay but he might be. He knows people will assume he’s gay because he probably is. That is not a negative but to him it probably is. A lot of people deny their homosexuality or mask it with things like, uhhhh, wearing women’s bras and panties for decades! I believe him that he doesn’t want to be a woman or live like a woman. But constatnly wearing that stuff projects woman-ness onto himself which is the opposite of a straight man who loves that women are “the other” and not themselves. I do not agree with commenters here that his behavior is a fetish, that simplifies it too much. Last point: his wife should know about this ASAP.
— Michelle, CO 07/13/2011 Reply
Why do you care about his sexual preference? Without even addressing his question? I hold to the definition of cross dressing, which states that cross dressers come in the gay, bi and the straight variety, but if he WAS gay or bi, so what? Doesn’t change his question. If he was gay, or somehow suspected he was but wouldn’t admit it (??? seems to be what some folks think), then he would be asking an entirely different question about his relationship with his wife. It might look something like this: “Could I be gay?” He is not asking that question.
Also, I thought Blair’s comments were helpful and accurate, and Michelle has some scary issues.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
There sure is a lot of male insecurity running rampant here. Let the guy wear what he wants and be what he wants. Why all the labels and all the accusations? He’s just looking for a little confirmation that he’s not crazy, which he doesn’t seem to be—unless you’re going to label everything off the beaten path that turns a male of the species on as a sign of insanity or homosexuality.
— Robert, Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
What Can I Do – your wife has betrayed you repeatedly, unless you enjoy being cheated on and lied to, you should divorce her quickly. She cannot or will not be faithful to you, your marital vows or her recent promises to not contact that other man, and it seems other men. Whether she has an uncontrollable urge to flirt ( or more ) with other men, or she is unhappy with you, it won’t end. You’ll always feel the same way, and won’t trust her and be happy. Best to end it now, before you are betrayed repeatedly and the kids begin to pick up on things.
— Wertzro in Pittsburgh 07/13/2011 Reply
Seriously Cat? These are two of the worst pieces of advice ever.
What: Your wife contacted him about the funeral of a mutual friend which you found out when you were snooping on her Facebook (let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?) and you’re mad? When someone snoops, what they find out is their fault. You did do something – you read her messages. If you cannot live without snooping in her things for the rest of your lives, do us all a favor and leave.
Secret: It is actually pretty common. This is definitely on the mild side of the mild-to-wild range of kinks. If your wife doesn’t know, you should tell her. Lay your kink cards on the table. If she does know, good for you.
— Blair, Pittsburgh 07/14/2011 Reply
Blair your comment makes NO sense. You say cat’s advice is horrible yet you gave the EXACT SAME ADVICE. question1: cat said stay and rummage through wife’s emails or leave and start fresh. how is rummaging through her emails any different than your choice of words: “snooping?” answer, it isn’t. question2: let the wife in on this! cat said it. now you say it. What in the world is your point? I’ve been reading this column for about six years and commenters like you are the funniest.
— Michelle, CO 07/14/2011 Reply
Snooping is definitely not what the guy said he did. He said that he “thought it was his Facebook” but it was actually his wife’s. He is trying to pretend he didn’t do it on purpose. And Cat heavily implied that the man has a totally freaky kink and that he should not be doing it. I am saying let her know but that it is not that weird. Her comments were very kink-phobic. “I won’t give my entire opinion” means that she disapproves and thinks there is something wrong with the writer.
— Blair, Pittsburgh 07/14/2011 Reply
You.Don’t.Make.Any.Sense. It doesn’t matter what he said about claiming to get into his wife’s facebook by mistake. That’s a big fat lie! The point is you gave the EXACT SAME ADVICE as cat. Did you even read Cat’s comment posted long before yours? She says she didn’t write her whole opinion because of length. I don’t always agree with her but people have a right to their opinions. If you’re going to attack someone’s opinion AT LEAST OFFER A DIFFERENT ONE!!!
— Michelle, CO 07/14/2011 Reply
About the guy wearing female panties: I just donât understand how he âfitsâ into them unless they are something like granny panties.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
And, I almost forgot… there is a distinct possibility that he may also be a cuckhold.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
Yaay he’s back! Cuckolds beware!
— Sarah PGH 07/26/2011 Reply
Maybe so, Sarah, but I still don’t understand how a man can “fit” into a panty unless, well….
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/27/2011 Reply
Yes, I am the MLS as Cat has decided to designate me. Had I even remember I sent the question or even thought Cat would print I would’ve checked back sooner. Anyway, Cat when was the last time you wore a pair of men’s underwear that you would know they are “plenty comfy”? Comfort is an issue because they don’t men’s underwear in the nice silky, satiny fabric that women’s are made with. I say “man clothes” just for descriptive purposes. Since your opinion seems to indicate it’s ok for a woman to wear her men’s boxers, it would be ok then if I only wore my wife’s panties? By the for all wondering my wife does know of my affinity for women’s intimate apparel. Also, for all who said it, I AM NOT GAY. There is not one thing I find remotely sexually appealing about being with another man. I know darn well I do not want to be with another man. Jeez. Just because I like wearing women’s lingerie does not mean homosexuality. @Brandon, thanks and yes I don’t expect anyone to understand. @Carl, I never said I got measured, I said I know of a lingerie that has measured men for bras. @Gwen and @Elizabeth, I would be interested in talking to you more about your experiences. @Nancy, thank-you for kind words. @Maria, Thank-you. @Robert, Thank-you, I wasn’t looking to find out I wasn’t crazy. Knowing that there are many straight men who wear women’s underwear I
— M.L.S. 08/30/2011 Reply
(continuing from above) I know I am not crazy. @Blair yes I know it’s pretty common. The only reason I sent in the note to Cat is I just wanted to see what she said. I wasn’t really expecting to see a response to be honest or even thought about readers commenting. As far as Cat, I got back pretty much what I was expecting because over the 6 years I have been reading her columns, I think I agreed one time on her advice. @Lebron and others, I fit fine in a size 8 (XL) and I am not cuckhold. Lastly, to the negative men, try them, you might surprise yourself and find out you like it better than men’s underwear.
— M.L.S. 08/31/2011 Reply
Wearing women’s panties is a fetish that has nothing to do with sexuality, and a mild fetish at that. I tried on my girlfriend’s panties once and got an instant erection. We both enjoyed that night very much. I haven’t tried it again because it was a rather silly, spontaneous thing, but if a mild fetish brings joy in the bedroom for loving couples, I’m all for it.
I suppose the danger is in not letting one’s girlfriend/wife know about it.
— Joseph 09/24/2011 Reply