Columns
He Blew Off The Date And She Knows It & Divorcée Feels Rejected By In-Laws
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
DEAR CAT: I had a third date with a nice guy and during drinks everything seemed to be going very well. Then out of nowhere he did the old trick of faking an emergency work call, saying he had to run to the office. I didnât believe him for one second but I said I understood and he said heâd call me to reschedule. Without his knowing it, I followed him and just as I suspected, he drove home! Iâm dying to call and tell him I know he skipped out on our date but if heâs going to call to go out again I donât want him to think I donât trust him. What should I do? — WISE TO HIM
DEAR WISE: Do not call him! If only I could put that command in flashing red bold type. Again, do not call him to bust him. Donât even call to say hello. Not only is it futile to chase a man whom you donât trust, you shouldnât have to chase him at all. What should you do? Absolutely nothing. If your instinct is correct and he blew off your date in the middle of it, heâs not worth the time it takes to dial his number. On the tiniest chance he actually had an emergency and ends up calling you again, take your crazed stalking behavior to the grave and never speak about it. Move on to greener pastures. Catâs Call: Otherwise known as âguys who have manners.â
DEAR CAT: My husband of thirteen years recently divorced me. We were together for eighteen years and I moved away from the west coast to be with him. Now weâre neighbors – I live in âourâ house, he lives next door in his father’s home, and his brother’s family lives next door to him. Our divorce has been final for three months and we had planned to stay friendly since his family is the only family I’ve spent time with for nearly 20 years. My ex is in a very serious relationship and his new girlfriend attends his family functions with him. I am no longer invited to these functions, which I accept as fair, but his family is shutting me out completely. I get the feeling theyâve been instructed to not speak to me. Am I wrong to feel unfairly rejected? I’m not trying to be a family member anymore, just an old friend who wants to keep things cordial. â SHUT OUT
DEAR SHUT: Since you didnât provide the reasons for your divorce itâs impossible to know why youâre getting the silent treatment. My hunch: the family is respecting your exâs wishes to focus on his new girlfriend rather than his former wife. That leaves you out in the cold and of course you feel excluded and rejected – his family was also your family and now theyâve all but âdisownedâ you. Seems you have no choice but to try to start fresh, which should probably include moving. This shut-out imposes emotional space but actual distance will help you start over. Just remember, you will make it through this. Catâs Call: Perhaps by reuniting with your own family.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
My call to SHUT OUT: Divorce is very hard no matter what. Maybe you haven’t thought of this but it could be harder if you remained friends with the family because you would hear about his new girlfriend all the time. I feel bad for you. Cat is right, you have to move! My call to WISE: I disagree with Cat. I say bust him. So what if he says you’re crazy, you’re not. You smelled a rat and you were right.
— Carl in Erie 07/13/2010 Reply
Cat, I loved your first answer. Especially the bit about âcrazed stalking behavior.â Maybe he works from home. Your second answer was one of those made it seem like you know more than you are telling the readers. Maybe there are kids involved and their terms of divorce say he gets custody if she moves away. Or maybe she doesnât want to take them away from their father. (I hear there are such women. LOL!) On the other hand, why would her living far away from her own family mean she has been cut off from them? Is she so weak that she could not maintain these relationships â even at a lower level of intensity â throughout her marriage? But, as I say, this is one of many answers where I wonder if you know more than you are saying or just running on clairvoyance.
— I.P. Jerusalem 07/13/2010 Reply
I just read the singular Hall of Fame letter ever, from the babe who got blown off in the middle of the third date, then lied to, and then she busts him (surreptitiously) in the lie. She wants to tell him she knows, but is unsure because IF HE CALLS AND WANTS TO GO OUT AGAIN, she doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t trust him!! Look, I know guys can be jackasses, but so many women are poster girls for self-inflicted wounds. In what parallel universe would going out with this creep again be considered an even remotely plausible idea? Is there a humiliation merit badge that women must win before they settle down that I don’t know about? I’ve met women coming out of rotten relationships, and way more than one of them told me, “Well, every woman needs at least one bad boy.” Are you nuts? Are you certifiable? I’m not proud of it, but I went through a “bad boy” phase from 24-28, and I can’t tell you how many great, pretty, quality women threw themselves at me. It’s ridiculous. If a woman asked a guy, “Why are you going out with that babe? She’s good looking, but she treats you like crap and cheats on you.” And if the guy said, “Well, every guy needs at least one two-faced slut.” the woman would rip him apart for having zero brains…and no judgment. Ladies, please wise up. You deserve better than that.
— Jim 07/13/2010 Reply
I agree with Jim, I couldn’t believe when she said “if he calls to ask me out again”!! Basically it shows she’s desperate. I don’t necessarily agree her following him was crazy stalking. I get Cat’s point that she should just let him go because obviously he doesn’t want to be on the date but when you know someone is lying to you it’s hard to keep quiet about it. Following him wasn’t really crazy though I know that’s not what Cat really meant. It should be a lesson to people that as Cat says good manners would have nipped this problem in the bud.. If the guy just said “I don’t think this is working out” the girl would have been upset but that’s it. People should just say what they mean.
— Cathy, Pittsburgh 07/13/2010 Reply
Cat, Just wanted to give another opinion on the “Wise” suggestion. I am a network engineer and I can be alerted via my phone for problems on the network that need fixed immediately. I will then drive to my house and fix them remotely if possible through the network. Perhaps I think the better of people but just wanted to say it is an option.
— network engineer, Pittsburgh 07/13/2010 Reply
Ya think maybe he’s married?!!
— mary, pittsburgh 07/13/2010 Reply
Hello, Cat! I was reading the letter about the guy called away from the date for a work-related emergency and was moved to respond with my $.02. What if the guyâs employment is something computer-related and he logs in from home (either all the time or in the case of emergencies), or did he need to just call into work? Many times, work doesnât end at 5pm and if youâve got a blackberry, youâre typically going to be expected to respond to it. I didnât see anything in WISE TO HIMâs letter specifically about what this guy does for a living, and it sounded like she was paraphrasing what he told her, so unless he said heâs an auto-mechanic, pilot, or something else that would absolutely not jive with him taking care of things from home, there are many, many jobs where he could log in from home or perhaps call in to someone to take care of things. WISE TO HIM doesnât seem to give any concrete indication that she has reason not to trust him. Personally, if he is on the up and up about this, I would have to consider if the relationship was worth it if his work could impact his off-hours. I enjoy your column, and salute you to how you reply with grace to the letters you receive.
— Lynn, Pittsburgh 07/13/2010 Reply
This is the letter of the year (although still not as good as the guy who took his date to the food court for dinner). Anyway, I had to laugh when I read that she followed him after he ditched her. I didn’t find it too shocking, which makes me wonder if I would have done the same thing … uh, I hope not.
Anyway, if a dude (or woman) ditches you in favor of doing nothing, I think that’s a clear signal that there will be no followup phone call or date. It’s over. Not sort of over — but really, really over.
As for SHUT OUT, do the un-Pittsburgh thing and move away! Sell the house, keep the money and leave. Don’t be surrounded by the ex-husband and his family.
— Mike, Downtown 07/13/2010 Reply
Comment to WISE
I’m guessing that having invested his time in two prior dates, this guy wanted to reap the benefits of a third. Some time over dinner, he realized he would pay dearly for any such dalliance.
Much a like a wild animal caught in a trap, he chose to gnaw off his own limb, to break free from that date.
Dog’s Call: Instead of confirming his fears by stalking him, try to figure out what you said that scared him off.
SHUT should talk about this with her ex-husband.
Dog’s Call: If he wants her out of the family, she’s out .
— Dog from Bethel Park 07/13/2010 Reply
Cat: The comments are freaking awesome! Especially Jim, and Dog was good, too. I’m surprised that you didn’t hit WISE harder on the stalking thing. And as for SHUT – I’m always stymied by divorced people saying “Oh, my ex and I are still friends...” If you were such wonderful friends, why the heck did you get divorced in the first place!!!!
— Ben - Virginia 07/14/2010 Reply
Cat, I think youâre wrong on the date-ditcher. Iâm an IT guy at a mid-sized local company. Nearly all of my coworkers are assigned laptops which they are required by policy to take home every night. Few people at all know the alarm combination at the office, and are unable to access the building in off hours. Should trouble arise, they can all work remotely. Between 9/11 and Hurricane Ivan, many businesses have begun to operate with a more mobile workforce. Itâs very likely the âditcherâ works for one of these companies, and home is the office after hours. I think the âditcheeâ should give him a call. If he has some lame excuse again, then reconsider. But he may also jump at the chance for a fourth date.
— R.D. (Butler, PA) 07/15/2010 Reply
My calls: Ok maybe there’s a chance the guy really did have to work but let’s face it, you never want a great date to end and if it must he would have rescheduled before running off. My sister is a nurse and if she got called in during a date she’d probably have to run home and change first (I assume). But I wholeheartedly agree with Cat that if the guy had real manners he wouldn’t just run off. If he liked her he’d be afraid she would think she’s being blown off and make sure she knows he really wants to go out again. As for the divorcee, move away! I know you were so close to the family but he’s in a new relationship now and your hanging around will make you feel worse over time. You can move on, I know it. Look to your family for support. I bet they miss you!
— Caroline, Pittsburgh 07/15/2010 Reply
This is in response to Ben from Virginia’s comment:
The most likely reason that some divorced couples are better friends divorced than they were married is because they aren’t the same people they once were, and there’s no longer any of the issues or problems they shared as a husband and wife. They each have their own life, and can just enjoy each other’s company from a friend point of view. There are no expectations.
— CC 07/16/2010 Reply
Wait, so WISE would consider going on another date with him if he called back, and she said that she didn’t want him to think that she didn’t trust him? Did anyone else catch this as wrong? You don’t trust him if you follow him home, not to mention the guy ran out on a date…and you would consider going out AGAIN?!
Step away from the phone and get some self esteem girl!!
— Jamie, Pittsburgh 07/27/2010 Reply