Columns
Can You Love Two People At The Same Time? And....She Wants One Good Reason To Stay
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
DEAR CAT: Is it possible to love more than one person at the same time? I am a married woman who isn’t being satisfied by her husband after only three years of marriage. It’s been more than six months since we have been intimate. I have addressed it repeatedly, offered to go to counseling, asked if he needs to see a doctor, bought lingerie, asked him if we need to spend time apart, all to no avail. He refuses to address the issue and says he’s happy with the way things are. So against the advice of the ‘moral police’ I turned elsewhere for attention. I’m not proud of it; nor do I feel guilty. I’m falling for someone else and Iâm worried it’s for the wrong reasons (that I’m getting what I’m missing at home). Could I see a future without my husband in it? Yes I can. There’s no doubt it’s over, it’s just a question if when. How do I end it? â CHEATINâ HEARTS
DEAR CHEATINâ: There is more than one question here so letâs start with the first. Yes, you can love more than one person at the same time. Now the second: what to do about your troubled marriage. Itâs much easier to see the future without your husband when you have another man in your life, on your mind, and sharing your bed. But if that man disappeared, which is a distinct possibility (most affairs end), would you still want to end your marriage? Divorce may not be the solution, mainly because you claim to still love your husband. And, not to put too fine a point on it, you took a vow of âforeverâ and less than three years later the marriage was sexless and you were engrossed in an affair. Sorry but it doesnât sound like you tried hard enough or long enough to make the marriage work. It seems quite odd that your husband would be totally satisfied without any sex, which makes me wonder: is he a cheatinâ heart, too? In terms of how to end it: if youâre really set on doing it, then just do it, as the saying goes. âHoney, Iâm very unhappy and unsatisfied, and I think we should get a divorce.â Chances are your husband isnât truly happy with the way things are and heâll finally get off his duff and try to work it out. Butâ¦.Catâs Call: Will you?
DEAR CAT: Iâm at my witsâ end. I wonât bore you with the story, Iâll just ask you straight out. Can you give me any good reason to stay with a man who has cheated more than once, maxed out my credit cards and emptied my bank account without my permission or knowledge? I think Iâve stayed together this long out of pity and forgiven him over and over him because I believed he would change. So can you please give me one good reason to stay? — ALMOST WITLESS
DEAR WITLESS: Catâs Call: No.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!
You can love two people at the same time. I have been there before although not while married. I agree with the point that this woman could not have tried that hard in her marriage if this has all happened within three years. Cat I thought the answer to the other question was missing at first before I realized your whole answer was “no”. Good one. I agree!
— Diane in Pittsburgh 07/19/2011 Reply
Can you love 2 people at the same time? I agree with Cat in that you need to make sure you want a divorce no matter if you end up alone afterward or not. A romantic affair is not going to keep you happy for any real length of time if there isn’t any other substance to it. I went through a similar situation, and I can say there are definite consequences to taking such action, so make sure it is really what you want. If you truly love your husband you owe it to both of you to try harder to work things out, so you are both satisfied in your marriage. If you know that you aren’t going to be happy staying with him no matter what, then the right thing to do is leave.
— Dave - Pittsburgh 07/19/2011 Reply
I think that you can love two people at the same time. However, in this case, there probably is complexity in the relationship that could fill several pages. I think Cat brings up some valid points about what’s important and what’s not important — particularly about when the affair ends.
To “Almost Witless,” there is no reason to stay with this bum. People fall into the trap that a bad boyfriend is better than no boyfriend at all, but that’s not true. And I don’t think that it’s true in this case. He’s immature and should be shown the door.
— Mike, Downtown 07/19/2011 Reply
To Cheatin Hearts — 1. Don’t confuse lust with love. 2. Your husband is either also cheating or he is having a problem he is too embarrassed to admit to, even to a doctor. All kinds of things can affect a man’s libido (i.e. depression, medication).
To Witless—People like that will never change, Get out now!! I speak from personal experience, I could have written that same letter a year ago.
— BrB, Pittsburgh 07/19/2011 Reply
@CHEATIN’
Love and sex are two different animals altogether.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/20/2011 Reply
To Witless – I can’t give you a reason to stay, but you’ve listed plenty of reasons to leave. The person you’re with may or may not change; it’s up to him. If he changes because you “make” (e.g. nag) him to, it will only last for a little while. He clearly has issues; you are done dealing with the fallout from his issues. It’s time to move on.
— Elizabeth - Pittsburgh 07/22/2011 Reply
Witless, why would you even consider giving him another chance? You should have been gone long ago.
Cheatin Hearts – you have to go to counseling, hopefully with your husband, but without him if he refuses. Are there troubles in other areas of the marriage? Was he a good communicator before this, and now is clamming up? There are many questions and issues here, but I would say that due to your vows you have to work harder at the marriage and finding/fixing the issues at hand. If your husband cannot or will not work on fixing it, then you can say good bye as quickly and painlessly as possible.
— Wertzro in Pittsburgh 07/22/2011 Reply
Cheatin’ Hearts – I’m going to have to disagree completely with the advice offered here. Well…mostly disagree, at any rate. It’s not right for people to tell you that you didn’t try hard enough. To me, it sounds like you did. “I have addressed it repeatedly, offered to go to counseling, asked if he needs to see a doctor, bought lingerie, asked him if we need to spend time apart, all to no avail.” What else was she supposed to do people?
I have a suggestion, below. First off…
Forget for a moment that you totally did the WRONG THING HERE by having an affair. End that immediately. You’re not getting what you want from the other man, either – what you want is for you and your HUSBAND to have intimacy again. You think you’re finding this from another man, but that’s all you’re getting – sex. There is a huge difference between sex and intimacy. You’re convincing yourself that you’re falling in love with this other guy, but that’s not the case. Gras is always greener, baby. You will make a huge mistake if you get divorced.
You might not have a choice though, after your husband finds out what you’ve been up to.
Anyways – the problem here isn’t what you think it is. What else should you have done? You should have stopped trying to get your husband to have sex with you. No, I’m not kidding. You should have spent time together doing things other than having sex. Go visit a nursing home, volunteer somewhere together, go out to dinner with another set of close friends and hold hands under the table. What you’re missing isn’t just the sex – it’s the bond. The reason you aren’t intimate is because…drumroll please…you aren’t intimate! Where is the connection you felt when you married him? I bet it had nothing to do with sex (well, ok, a little bit) but more with the fact that the TWO OF YOU were a good match. You would take care of each other, be friends first, lovers later, and spend the rest of your lives supporting each other.
Maybe your husband’s “issue” has nothing to do with you. Maybe he’s feeling down about something else and sex is the last thing on his mind. And what did you do? You ran off and got some from a stranger. You aren’t being a good friend, or a good wife, and therefore can’t expect the intimacy to just be there automatically. Shame on you for your mistakes. So my question is, instead of running away, what are you going to do to make up for all the wrong you’ve done?
And honestly…let me ask you something. Did you ever think that the sex was going to go away? Like is it ok if you’re both 90 and no longer having sex? Do you feel jipped because it happened in 3 years instead of 50? Then you weren’t ready to get married.
Good luck trying to save your marriage now – you’re asking how to end it. I think it’s already over.
— A, Pittsburgh 08/04/2011 Reply