Columns
Groom-To-Be Is Haunted By Former Girlfriend & She Wants A Little Respect From Her Neighbor
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
DEAR CAT: As I near middle age Iâve finally met the woman of my dreams and soon we’ll be married. After a life punctuated by lonely searching and questioning my purpose on this globe, I now know what true love is and this has put the pain and ghosts of my past to sleep once and for all. I was in love once before, in high school. Until I met my future wife memories of that past love haunted me and I worried that I missed my only shot at happiness. I’ve spent several weeks penning an email to thank her for being a positive influence in my life and wish her well. I consider it cheerful and uplifting, and it’s been very therapeutic to write. As I now know the true compass of my life, I feel the weight of old wounds, especially self imposed ones, lifting off of my heart. While I would like to send her this letter of appreciation and tell her that our years together left a positive legacy in my life, is it improper or rude of me to reappear from the mist of time, even for just one moment? — HUMBLY THANKFUL
DEAR HUMBLY: Reappear from the mist of time? Are you writing an email or sending a hologram of yourself? I doubt your fiancée would be tickled to know youâve spent weeks reminiscing about, and writing to, another woman. And your old girlfriend doesnât want to read the emo outpourings of a long-ago boyfriend whoâs about to get married. Obviously youâre full of guilt about something but thatâs your burden to bear. Itâs presumptuous to assume your âcheerfulâ letter will have a positive impact on your ex so kindly spare her the motivational chickenscratch. Stop focusing on your haunted past and start living in the present â for your fiancéeâs sake. Catâs Call: If writing the letter was so therapeutic, you wouldnât feel the need to send it.
DEAR CAT: For six years Iâve lived next door to an older gentleman and I’ve done my best to be nice. I just wish he’d do the same. He bangs on my door at midnight to complain about random things, or sends the police because someone parked two feet from his bumper (he likes people to park at least 4 feet from his car.) Heâs lived in this community most of his life and that gives him a certain amount of pull. Much as Iâd hate to do it, Iâm considering moving. If that happens Iâm sure he wouldn’t be living next door to a nice, quiet, single lady who shovels his walk so he won’t slip on the way to his car. Since he reads the paper every day I want him to see this column and understand he’s got it pretty good right now, and give me some peace. âGOOD NEIGHBOR
DEAR GOOD: I chose your letter as a reminder to everyone with neighbor issues to talk calmly at the first hint of a problem or write friendly, polite notes to communicate concerns. Though some people are never happy, eventually most neighbors learn to accept each other. Catâs Call: Hopefully the latter will apply to you.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I had trouble reading Humble’s letter after I got to “a life punctuated by lonely searching.” I knew exactly where it would go from there. I’m not kidding, I cracked up when I read your answer. The hologram was hilarious. I’d bet just about anything that he ends up sending the email anyway. Excellent final “call”.
— Rudy in Columbus 07/20/2010 Reply
Re: Humbly Thankful, I’ve been in your boat, and believe me, the recipient of your letter doesn’t want it. It was an emotional release for you to write it, so now release those emotions by burning the letter.
Re: Good neighbor, Also in your boat with a neighbor who think he owns the neighborhood ‘cause he’s been there longer. My neighbor is a raging alcoholic who screams profanities in response to a request. Ignorance has been the only item in my arsenal with him.
— Beth, Pittsburgh 07/20/2010 Reply
I should have bet you, Rudy…I wonder what I might have won? I just deleted the letter and I thank Cat very much for her expert and proper “call”. Her advice has been taken, but I feel no shame for contemplating my past and putting life in perspective. I am, though, ready to move forward and put the past away for all time.
Thank you again, Cat.
— Humbly 07/20/2010 Reply
Re: Good Neighbor Lady.
I agree, the lady has a grave concern w/the old ungentleman who lives next to her. However, he may not be just a cranky old man, he may have the beginnings of deminta. How long has this behavior been going on? If for a few years (yes, deminta takes several years at times to finally come to a full blown case), getting worse as times goes on, then he is ill. His family, minister or social services or the police should know. The next time the police come due to his call, tell them of your concerns. Keep notes to document your statements so they know you are not just being mean. I am getting up in age and do have my “bad” days when the joints don’t move well and ache, I am cranky, my grandkids say, but I don’t have such reactions as this gentleman seems to have. All I do is ask that the kiddies don’t sit on my lap, sit close, cuddle, but grammie can’t hug hard today, or carry you.
— Reta 07/20/2010 Reply
Cat I totally see where you’re coming from in the first question but I can also see one benefit ( maybe only one) to sending the letter: if he wronged her years ago it might be good for her to know he still thinks about her. On the other hand that means he’ll ‘reappear’ as he says and maybe that’s the last thing she wants. Now I think you’re right because if a high school boyfriend contacted me now to say how great I was for his life and he’s about to get married I’d be like “huh?” I definitely agree with Rudy that the hologram comment was really funny. I actually LOL’d :)
— Cara in Erie 07/20/2010 Reply
Dear Humbly:
Don’t send the letter. It will be a big mistake and create all kinds of problems for you, the new woman in your life and the recipient.
I think this advice is true for all letters written in the heat of the moment: Whether it be love, anger or jealousy. Write it, get those feelings out and then throw the letter away. And then move on. Getting it all down on paper (or computer) will help to expunge oft-crazy emotions in a non-destructive manner.
— Mike, Downtown 07/20/2010 Reply
I see where Humbly Thankful is coming from. Now I see he posted a comment here I thought I’d offer him my call too. Before I got married I had doubts—-about my life, not about my wife. I thought about past girlfriends and you really can’t help it. I don’t think you should send the email because those thoughts are private, not for her. Cat’s hologram comment was really funny but that’s what you’d be sending. And Cat is also right about your feeling guilt because you can tell you’ve got a lot of pent up feelings that have been compounding and it’s like you want her forgiveness. Sending her a letter won’t make those feelings go away— it could dredge up old wounds or the opposite and she’ll start communicating with you again. Let it go if you can. And good luck in your life.
— Tom USA 07/20/2010 Reply
Ms. Specter: I always enjoy reading your column, and look forward to the next good bit of advice. Iâm always curious to see if our âadviceâ is the same. Your reply to âHumbly Thankfulâ was right on. The past should be used as a learning experience and to remember âspecial momentsâ (such as the prom). It is rarely a good idea to discuss and/or intimately reminisce about your past with an old boyfriend/girlfriend. And, to âreappear from the mist of timeâ would be awkward for them, particularly if they are in a serious relationship. I am in touch with two of my old girlfriends through Facebook (they âfriendedâ me), but itâs just to keep up with major milestones in each othersâ lives (children, employment, vacations) and for networking. We never discuss our personal-involved past. There really is not point to it. Itâs time for âHumbly Thankfulâ to move with his exciting new future.
— L. (Reading, PA) 07/20/2010 Reply
Humbly is a nancy boy. His high school girlfriend heard enough of his emotional syrup 20 years ago. His way of writing is like listening to Morrissey. Not trying to be rude just telling it like it is.
— Rebar in PA 07/20/2010 Reply
My call to Humbly: What’s the idea behind sending the letter right now? Focus on your wedding and let things sit in your mind for a while before possibly opening a can of worms. You’re getting married not leaving the planet, it’s not like you can’t think about all this (and you will, obviously) in the years to come. I’m not saying to send the letter later on, I just mean you never know what the future will bring and in time you may not even want to. My call to Neighbor: Don’t let one neighbor make you move. Try to talk to him if possible, and just live your life and try to forget about him.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 07/21/2010 Reply