Columns
This Slumber Party Will Cost You & She's Ready, He's Not
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
DEAR CAT: I moved into a new apartment a year ago and it has two bedrooms. I havenât bought a guest bed because (this is where the problem comes in) I think if my friends want to visit, they should contribute to the cost of furniture for that room, at least split the cost of a bed and small table. The way I see it, if I lived in a very tiny apartment with only a twin bed (like I used to), friends would have to stay in a nearby hotel. How is this any different? — HELP ME HELP YOU
DEAR HELP: Itâs different because you donât live in a tiny place with a tiny bed, you have a separate room just for guests. But it doesnât stop there. Whatâs most different (and appalling) is your way of thinking; that friends should pay to furnish your home. Try to wrap your brain around thisâ¦your home and its contents are at your discretion. If you want people to stay with you, and you have plenty of room, give them a bed! An inexpensive one will do, and you can pretty up the room with simple things. If you canât afford a bed, most friends will crash on a sofa for a night or two. But paying to furnish your home? Catâs Call: Most friends would sooner sleep in the bathtub.
DEAR CAT: For three and a half years Iâve been dating a man that I adore. Recently Iâve been confused because I never see him! He has been working a lot, so I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel and he gave the same answer as always: âgive me time.â I tried to break up with him because I feel I deserve someone whoâll make me and my nine year old daughter his priority. I’ve never met anyone like him before; he has been there for me and my daughter the past three years and never gave up on me. (Oh by the way I am a recovering addict, so far I have seven months clean and I am working an excellent program.) He always told me if I could make it six months he would show me that he truly loves me and wants to be with us forever. But I see less of him now than when I was getting high and drunk! He stood by me and kept encouraging me to get back up and start over and always told me I am worth it. Do I wait longer or move on? — IN A HURRY
DEAR HURRY: First let me applaud your efforts to get clean – nothing is more important for your daughterâs wellbeing than your own health. Now on to the man situation. Youâve relied on him for support and it sounds like he offered encouragement when you needed it most. However, despite his âsix monthâ proclamation, itâs risky to put a deadline on the relationship. Heâs already shown that he cares about you but his unavailability is a sign heâs not ready to move forward. Yes, you deserve someone who puts you first, so Instead of fixating on him, concentrate on the one person you can always count on – yourself. Relax about the relationship and let him come to you. If he does, it will be without an ultimatum andâ¦Catâs Call: Youâll be surprised at how much better life looks through the lens of independence.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.
Doubtful she’ll any friends left after asking them to pay for her furniture.
— Mark, Oakland 07/26/2011 Reply
Here’s my main problem with Help Me’s logic: if one of her friends was willing to help pay for a bed then that bed could be used by anyone who visits there. The only way her logic works is she’d have to get in touch with everyone she knows and ask them to chip in just in case they visit one day because otherwise the friends who ARE willing to chip in are possibly chipping in for other people who won’t pay. This is insane!
— Cara in pgh 07/26/2011 Reply
I wonder if “Help Me” has helped pay for the cars of every friend who has ever given her a ride?
— Brian, Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
Excellent analogy … but will she read it and comprehend it? LOL
— Louisa from Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
That might be the worst hosting etiquette I’ve ever heard of. When you have company asking someone to bring food or drink is reasonable in certain circumstances, but a request for a night stand and a bed set never is. I’d be embarrassed to even think of this. Maybe there is some detail that Help Me has left out (they live in a resort area, and constantly have people visiting, etc.) that makes this sound less ridiculous. As it stands, the way it is presented here paints an unflattering picture with a one word description: CHEAP!
— Dave - Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
It is interesting how we assume Help Me is female. I’m guilty too. It was not until after I read the comments that it hit me this might not be a woman. There are plenty of cheap men with bad etiquette.
— Tim, NY 07/26/2011 Reply
Yes, interesting gender assumption. After reading it, I thought it was a guy! A really really cheap, self-centered guy!
Re “In a Hurry,” you really do need to be less in a hurry, as Cat says. Focus on your new healthy life and your daughter, and allow the relationship to grow instead of trying to force it. Be proud of what you have accomplished so far and relish the new days, instead of pushing them. Your daughter must be so very glad – what about spending more time with her while your honey is working?
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
HURRY – Coming from a similar situation, but on the other side, i was hoping i could give you a little clarity. My boyfriend is 2 months sober, and I’m beyond proud of him. However – what I never anticipated was how much his sobriety would change ME.
My life was consumed with encouraging, hoping, and praying for him to get help, so when he did, naturally I was ecstatic. After a few weeks, I didn’t know what to do with all of the energy I had previously focused on him. All of the books say that it’s almost like a mourning period – because you’re mourning the loss of the all-consuming addiction (sounds weird i know, but it’s a loss none-the-less). I had to learn how to re-direct my time and energy; I had to realize it was ok to take care of myself too.
If i were you, I’d say take a step back, thank him for all of his love and support, and allow him to readjust. Perhaps he needs a little “me-time”. He didn’t put a time limit on you, why should you put one on him? Maybe he’ll come back, maybe he won’t, but judging from your description of him, it sounds like he would be man enough to tell you either way.
— Diane, Pittsburgh 07/26/2011 Reply
On the first letter, if that’s the way this person feels, he/she should not make the second bedroom a guest room, because the furniture is just the tip of the iceberg. Next is the question of who pays for the food, hot water, and so on, and who washes the sheets and towels when they leave. There is no requirement to invite people to stay over just because there is an extra room. If you don’t want them to stay, furnish the room as a den, don’t have a sofa bed anywhere, and give them the names of nearby hotels.
— PB from NY 07/26/2011 Reply
Perhaps Help meant to say that the same two or three friends keep coming to visit her/him. If that is the case, I would hope those friends treat Help to a meal or bring some food or something else for each visit; I can get that they would be spending money on a hotel instead. But furniture? Wow. And if Help is really referring to different people, well, wow again. You just can’t make this stuff up!
— T from da Burgh 07/26/2011 Reply
Diane made an interesting and intriguing observation. She could very well have “nailed” your situation, HURRY. So, take it easy and don’t hurry the situation.
As for HMHY… pathetic.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/27/2011 Reply
HMHY, Cat is right on, your way of thinking is appalling, and Hurry, Cat is also right on, let him come to you.
— Celeste, Pittsburgh 07/28/2011 Reply
Hurry:
Is it possible that he has his own problems: the white knight complex?
This great guy was there every step of the way – as long as you needed rescuing. When you are independent – he steps away.
I’d follow cat’s advice – do you own thing. See what happens – either he’ll come around OR he’ll move on and find his next “damsel in distress.”
— hurry 07/29/2011 Reply
Thank you so much for your advise. ESPECIALLY CAT. I have been trying to make up for lost time which I realize I can’t. I have taken your advise, all of you, and put it into action. And I have to say YOU are right. We talked and he said I want you to be more Independent. WOW. Anyway he is slowly coming back around more and more. He is not going anywhere I just need to SLOW DOWN.
Diane-good luck to you and your boyfriend and thank you from all of us addicts that there are good people that do love us and will be there for us. Tell Him Conrats on 2months its HARD.
— I am the Hurry Person, Pittsburgh 08/02/2011 Reply