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Courtesy In Online Dating & Her Sisters Won't Come To The Wedding
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
DEAR CAT: Iâve been doing some online dating and I have found people are veiled in expressing their intentions. Like if a woman is not interested in you, she is more likely to ignore you than tell you to buzz off. Thatâs frustrating but I appreciate itâs just the nature of the beast and I move on to the next one hoping she is the one who will turn this frog into a prince. While I have met several interesting women I find myself having to say “no” more often than “yes” and if I have to let someone down I try to be polite and make sure they know itâs nothing personal. But some girls have become very upset that I was so direct. Should I be more subtle and just “fade out” on them? I think thatâs more cruel but maybe my thick male head is just getting in the way. âASPIRING PRINCE
DEAR PRINCE: Itâs refreshing to see someone worried about being courteous in the online dating world. Itâs perfectly courteous to use your straightforward and honest approach. As for the less direct âfade out,â itâs fine, too, if youâve never met and only emailed a handful of times. Truth is, a rejection is always personal so thereâs no way to prevent all hurt feelings. But you can soften the blow by not leading someone on, which includesâ¦.Catâs Call: Donât make someone wait for an email that will never come.
DEAR CAT: My only daughter is getting married in August and my sisters arenât interested in attending. We told my sister of the wedding date three months ago and she flatly said no because sheâd be on vacation in Virginia. She told me to change the wedding date because she wasn’t changing her plans. My other sister said she has to work that day and âsince my daughter already has 2 children it should just be a small wedding.â My elderly mom, who needs to be transported 35 miles to the wedding, is out of luck if they donât attend. These are people who think nothing of driving long distances to weddings or showers for non-family members. They are my only living immediate family and I really want them there. I thought three months verbal invitation was enough time to arrange schedules. Your call? —ABSENTEE FAMILY
DEAR ABSENTEE: Such a lackadaisical attitude from your sisters suggests thereâs more to this story. Likeâ¦what do your daughterâs children have to do with the size of her wedding? And why must you rely on your sisters to bring your mother when itâs only 35 miles away? And did you first ask your sisters if that date worked for them, or did you set the day and then let them know? Iâm not blaming you but it is customary to do an âavailability checkâ of family members before setting a wedding date. Despite those unknown factors, your sistersâ reactions are hardly celebratory. They owe you an apology (donât count on it) and a change of attitude. My hunch is theyâll show up for the big day, but no matter whatâ¦.Catâs Call: Donât let this ruin such a wonderful occasion.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
You nailed it with Absentee Family. She’s so upset about her sister’s crappy attitude toward family that she can’t see her own. I mean, really, it’s so important to her that her mother is there but she can’t drive 35 miles (which is what some folks I work with drive every day as their commute to the office) to pick her up?
— Marcy, Pittsburgh 07/27/2010 Reply
On the first question, people use the internet as an excuse to play games and ‘draw out’ the meeting process if that even happens. He’s best to be direct whether the women appreciate it or not. Sometimes you think someone is interested then it’s four days before they write back one sentence and you’ve wasted your time.
On the second question, there is DEFINITELY more to the story as Cat suggests. 35miles is nothing to travel for your granddaughter’s wedding! She won’t pick up her mother for that??? The sister who ‘has to work’ is full of it. Something is going on here. It’s a wedding! My call: I think the guy the daughter is marrying must be a loser and everyone is opposed to the marriage.
— Cara in Erie 07/27/2010 Reply
Re Absentee Family, I think the fact that Absentee and the daughter waited until only 3 months before a summer wedding to notify the sisters speaks volumes of the frosty relationship between these folks. And I’m sympathetic to the sister going on vacation because in my office we pick vacation weeks in late January or early February, and my summer vacation is set long before May.
Also, I think we need to know how old the daughter is. If the daughter is in her late 30’s or early 40’s, and because she has 2 kids already, I can understand the reaction of her aunts not wanting to drop everything to attend.
— Fred, Sacramento CA 07/27/2010 Reply
Sometimes, people can’t take a hint. So the direct approach — while harsh — is the best. Then there’s no question that it’s over. I think his approach is correct. Otherwise, you have to use a site like idump4u.com to handle what you can’t do yourself.
As for “absentee family,” I was first wondering, “What’s up with the sisters?”
But then I saw the part about two kids. And it made me wonder if this was the first or second marriage for the daughter. I hadn’t yet entertained the “scumbag theory.”
My own feeling through personal experience is that second, third and fourth weddings can be optional.
My two brothers and sister have managed to generate eight weddings and seven divorces. I attended three of them: My oldest brother’s first. My next brother’s second, and my sister’s third.
There are lengthy stories involved in the other weddings, but I don’t want to turn this into a novel.
— Mike, Downtown 07/27/2010 Reply
Hey Mike – Three siblings, eight marriages, and seven divorces??? Really???
Wow, I’m going out on a limb here – I suspect that you’re sticking with the single life, right?
Good luck…..
— Ben - Virginia 07/27/2010 Reply
Prince——Kudos to you! I think the direct approach of telling someone straight up that you’re not interested is the best way to go. I certainly would appreciate that, even if it stings a little. Keep going, the right girl will show up when you least expect it.
As for the Absentee Family …. I think there’s a lot more to the story, so I’ll keep my opinion to myself on that one.
— Sue, PIttsburgh 07/27/2010 Reply
I could write a book about absentee family, and here it is. One of my stepchildren has been married 3 times – 2 big weddings and a big reception for the third time. Another didn’t tell us the date of their second marriage until we got the invitation, and the bride was brokenhearted that we did not attend because we were on vacation. Another invitation from extended family came addressed to my husband and his deceased first wife – yeah – the bride to be really knew who we were and wanted us there.
Maybe the daughter has been living with the father of the kids for some time and finally decided to get married, or maybe it’s a second marriage. Maybe the daughter has had no relationship with the aunts for years, and now all of a sudden they are expected to drop everything for the wedding. Maybe they don’t want to be “transportation” for the grandmother. Maybe the aunts are still waiting for a thank you note for the gifts from the first marriage. Bottom line is if you really want someone to attend, you clear the date with them ahead of time, and you don’t expect them to provide transportation, run errands, or buy expensive gifts. I think Cat was being generous with this one.
— PB from NY 07/27/2010 Reply
I also wonder if something else was happening within that family. Regarding my own nutty clan:
1) Attended oldest brother’s first wedding. Didn’t go to the second, because none of the family was invited or knew. She was the “other woman.” He later left her for wife No. 3, and I still don’t know when they were married. Or if ever, come to think of it.
2) Was planning to attend sister’s first wedding, but didn’t because it was at the courthouse. It was raining that day. My parents were out of vacation. And I didn’t have a driver’s license. Neither brother lived in Pittsburgh. I think the husband began running around on her a week after returning from the honeymoon. That marriage lasted one year. Never met husband No. 2, despite them being married for something like six years. At this point, there’s no need to meet the ex. My mother never liked him and always referred to him as “that little snip of a man.” Went to wedding No. 3, but he left after a year for some complicated reasons that didn’t involve infidelity (for a change).
3) My other brother didn’t tell me he had gotten married until three months after the fact. It didn’t matter, as I was stationed in Germany, and he was stationed in Michigan. He mentioned it rather off-handedly and a bit sheepishly in September that they had tied the knot in June. They went to a justice of the peace. In fact, no one from the family attended that wedding. The marriage lasted 18 years. The entire family (minus oldest brother, who by that time was cementing his position as the family dick) went to wedding No. 2. That marriage lasted about five years.
I was married in 1990. My entire family (including both brothers and sister — she was between husbands) attended. Still married.
— Mike, Downtown 08/04/2010 Reply