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He'll Have What She's Having & A Lack Of Sisterly Affection
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
DEAR CAT: My boyfriend insists on sharing food and drink. At my house when I offer him a beverage he says, âIâll just share whatever youâre having.â When weâre out to dinner he just orders a salad and says, âIâll share your entrée with you.â If I order wine he often wants a taste before Iâve had a sip. If he has a soda, after every sip he extends his glass to me, âwant a sip?â When I say, âno thank you, if I want a drink, Iâll get one for myself,â he appears hurt. He says, âwhatâs mine is yours, I was just being kind.â Recently at a tapas restaurant he insisted I order several things to share. After tasting one spicy shrimp dish he said, ânext time you order something for us to share, donât order spicy.â I told him, ânext time you should order something to your liking, Iâll order something to my liking, and we donât have to share.â Cat, am I being too harsh? Donât grown-ups order their own food and beverage? âIâM A BIG GIRL NOW
DEAR BIG GIRL: Yes, on our planet grown ups choose their own food and drink. The rules are fuzzier on your boyfriendâs planet. Asking your steady date for a taste of food or wine is normal but declaring – without asking you first – that heâll share your entrée is just strange. And rude. And cheap. But mostly strange. Iâm especially baffled by his behavior in your home. What is that about? Youâre not a mother bird feeding chicks from your mouth. Your stance isnât harsh, itâs appropriate. He really offers you his drink after every sip? That is beyond strange. And incredibly un-hot. Iâm almost willing to pay you to have him send his side of the story. Catâs Call: Almost.
DEAR CAT: My sister is 13 years younger and weâve never been close but weâve always had a positive relationship. She recently announced that she is getting married and she did not ask me to be in her wedding though she was in my wedding. She is having several friends as bridesmaids, and as her only sister Iâm very hurt that sheâs not including me in her big day. Our brother is giving her away. My mother begged me not to ruin her happy time with my issues but I can’t pretend that Iâm not hurt. I wonât miss her wedding but I feel like this is an indication of how she sees our adult relationship. Should I tell her how I feel or suck it up and pretend I’m not heartbroken? âNEVER A BRIDESMAID
DEAR NEVER: Something is up if your sister didnât ask you to be a bridesmaid and itâs something more than a thirteen year age difference. The big missing detail here is your sisterâs explanation for excluding you. Of course you should ask her about it! But only once, then let it drop. Iâm guessing your âissuesâ extend beyond this wedding snub if your mother isnât even taking your side. Iâm not blaming you, Iâm simply pointing out the obvious. Unless your sister changes her mind, you have no choice but to suck it up. Catâs Call: Pouting through the ceremony will only reflect poorly on you.
What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.
To Never A Bridesmaid: There is no excuse for not asking you to be in her wedding. That’s what sisters do. Cat says mention it once but I say mention it over and over to let your sister know that it doesn’t look right for a family to have her only sister sitting in the audience like a regular guest.
To Big Girl Now: End that relationship at once. I laughed so hard with the mother bird image!
— Trina 07/05/2011 Reply
@ I’M A BIG GIRL NOW,
Why are you still with that weirdo? Your letter has to be the weirdest letter I’ve ever read on this website (or on any other website for that matter). I’ve never heard of any man, woman or beast acting that way. As Earnie once called George Bailey, “He’s bats!”
@ NEVER A BRIDESMAID,
I doubt you two “always had a positive relationship.” If that were true, you would have been not only invited to the wedding, but a bridesmaid too.
Which leads me to this… You say she did not ask you to be in her wedding, but you are not clear as to whether you are not invited at all or not included in the bridal party. If you aren’t invited at all, you shouldn’t attend.
The fact that your mom didn’t take your side says plenty about what is gonig on here. You state, “My mother begged me not to ruin her happy time with my issues.”
Your mother believes you have issues. It is logical then to believe your sister believes you have issues as well… and you probably do have issues.
Don’t ruin your sister’s wedding.
— Lebron from Pittsburgh 07/05/2011 Reply
NAB: My only brother was not in my wedding, and I had no quams telling him and everyone that asked ‘why’. It was because he was an idiot. We fought our enitre lives, he was in and out of residential facilities for behavior issues, we just aren’t friends. So if you and sis don’t have a relationship that off-kilter, you better ask her why, because everyone else is going to ask her and you wanna know what she’s going to say.
BigGirl: I share a soda with my hubby when we have meals out b/c neither one of us can drink a whole one and I won’t pay $6 for 2 half-drank sodas. Otherwise…. hands off baby!
— Janice Pittsburgh 07/05/2011 Reply
For food sharing:
My husband and I have shared our meals since we started dating. We figure that sharing entrees (and this is the key part I’ll get back to) is a great way to sample multiple things without having to eat all of it. But the key is: we share both, and agree to what we’re ordering in advance with the idea that it’s for more selection. The guy who just takes food isn’t sharing, he’s taking — there’s no agreement about what to order, there’s no sharing of different foods, there’s no agreement that this is OK at all. He is overstepping boundaries, but probably doesn’t realize it.
Why doesn’t Big Girl act like one, and sit down and have a heart to heart talk to him about this instead of making cracks about it when he thinks he’s sharing? He’s probably very confused himself.
About the wedding:
I totally disagree that family must be put into the wedding. I don’t understand this! My bridesmaids provided a lot of emotional support, and actual duties, up to and through the wedding day. I would not have felt as comfortable, or as dependent on, someone who “wasn’t that close”. When my brother got married, the rest of the family had drama because my soon-to-be sister-in-law didn’t know me well enough to have me as a bridesmaid… and I gotta say, I was glad! She needed her own friends and support network then.
But I’ll bet if Never A Bridesmaid sat down with her sister and asked what she could do to contribute to the wedding, there’d be a wonderful list of things she could help out with.
— Gwen, Pittsburgh 07/05/2011 Reply
The first sentence in the bridesmaid letter is the explanation “we’ve never been close”. Obviously the bride-to-be invited people with whom she was close, and the sister thinks it’s automatic that she should be invited instead of, or in addition to one of the others.
— PB from NY 07/05/2011 Reply
Big Girl,
You should be a big girl and tell this dude its annoying/bothering you. Thats just plain weird behavior. I agree with Gwen, if you both agree to get 2 dishes to share thats one thing, but to just get a salad and eat your food is C-H-E-A-P. I have a feeling that is the main reason for his ‘sharing’ or shall we say ‘saving’. The drink thing is even more strange because he does it at home. Straighten him out or get out of there!
— Joe 07/06/2011 Reply
@Big Girl Now: my wife’s family has a strange thing much like this: they all converse before ordering, making sure no one orders the same thing, then they insist on trying each other’s meals. They get wierded out when I won’t share and don’t want to share with them; not the same as your issue, but maybe your boyfriend comes from a family where this is excepted and expected. Communicate with him, if everything else is ok in the relationship perhaps it is worth putting up with?
@Bridesmaid: you must have issues you are not mentioning here, or are blind to, for this snub to not only take place but to be sanctioned by your mom. Just let it drop, don’t ruin your sister’s big day; but you should ask your mom or sister about it afterwards. If there is something there which you are not aware of, or ignoring, it should be dealt with.
— Wertzro in Pittsburgh 07/07/2011 Reply
I know lots of people who have had friends in their wedding in the place of siblings. It doesn’t mean there’s a problem, just that, as you admitted, you’re not close. Perhaps she didn’t want a large number of bridesmaids and didn’t want to omit one of her closest friends. If her friends are planning parties, etc for the bridal party, she may have thought you’d be uncomfortable hanging out with women a dozen years your junior who you don’t know (if you two aren’t close, I doubt you know her social circle well). Either way, there’s no duty to have you in the wedding, either due to the familial relationship or to the fact that she was in yours. It’s not a snub, just an acknowledgement of facts.
— Maria 07/08/2011 Reply