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Wife Keeps Photo Album From Wedding #1 and Gym Routine Is Driving Her Outside
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
DEAR CAT: My wife keeps the wedding album from her previous marriage in our basement, barely out of plain sight. Is it appropriate for her to even have that album anymore? Maybe Iâm overreacting but the thought of having pictures in my house of my wife kissing another man bothers me to no end. Iâve asked her to get rid of it and she brushes me off. The only reason I can think for her to keep the album is her daughter was the ring bearer and she wants those pictures. But the entire reason you keep photos is so you can look back and remember moments in time. I just need a womanâs thoughts on whether itâs ok to have a wedding album from a prior marriage in the house, as well as what your thoughts are as to why she keeps the album. — BOTHERED TO NO END
DEAR BOTHERED: I understand your discomfort but your anger (and jealousy?) is clouding your perspective. Yes, your wife once married another man but keeping a photo album in the basement is not the same as wistfully pining. The photos arenât framed on the bedroom nightstand, after all. When you think back on happy moments in your life, some perhaps with long-ago girlfriends, wouldnât it be nice to have a few photos of those times? You donât love those women anymore but theyâre threads in the tapestry of your life and thereâd be no harm in having some pictures in the basement. I agree the album should be kept out of sight – but not thrown away, since her daughter might want them someday. Show this column to your wife and if she ignores you againâ¦.Catâs Call: Write back to me and youâll get a different answer.
DEAR CAT: A year ago I decided to change my life and lose one hundred pounds (eventually). I started exercising and eating well, I even started seeing a nutritionist. Iâve lost forty pounds so far! The problem is exercise has become so boring that itâs like torture going to the gym. I want to be active outside but Iâve never played tennis or gone running so I canât do those and gardening and walking arenât enough. Plus Iâm not crazy about the idea of showing off my body in public. I realize youâre not a trainer or doctor but what would you suggest? — FORTY DOWN, SIXTY TO GO!
DEAR FORTY: First I suggest you congratulate yourself – forty pounds is an amazing accomplishment! As for the tedium of the gym, you just need to shake up your routine and get some fresh air. But first take advantage of your membership to talk to a trainer about starting an outdoor cardio routine (like running or tennis). Just because youâve never played a sport doesnât mean you canât start! If youâre insecure about your skill level, and if you can afford it, start with a few private lessons. Or simply go online to find hiking, biking, rollerblading or even power-walking groups in your area. As for showing off your bod, remember most people are just like you Catâs Call: Theyâre much more worried about their own.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat, I have been married three times and of course I have the photo albums from my previous two marriages! Regarding the ex-husband I suspect a deeper jealousy in Mr. Bothered as though he worries that his wife is not over the divorce. A wedding is one of the most significant events in someones life. Just because the marriage did not succeed is no reason to purge all evidence of the wedding day. I must agree with your call in this question because the wife should not “brush him off” but the husband should understand the larger point here.
— Marie in Pittsburgh 07/06/2010 Reply
“Her daughter was the ring bearer at her wedding”??? Awwww, isn’t that sweet – c’mon, Cat – this has trailer park written all over it! I think he comes off as a jealous whiner – what exactly does “barely out of sight” mean, anyway? Either it is or it isn’t within view – there is no middle ground. It sounds to me as though he should have known what he was getting into, based on some of her previous life decisions.
If you want to contact “Bothered” and offer advice – his address is Lot 206, Green Acres Trailer Park. Geeeeez…
— Ben - Virginia 07/06/2010 Reply
I was married for 23 years. It was an unhappy abusive marriage, but I keep my wedding album. It sits on a shelf in my den.
I want if for all the pictures of my family and friends. There are pictures there of my uncle and grandparents who we lost years ago.
I am in no way pining for my ex, but it is part of my history, of who I am.
BTW: My boyfriend and I have shown each other our wedding pictures. If he demanded I destory the album, it would raise a red flag.
— Judy in Chesterland 07/06/2010 Reply
Hey Cat, I agree with you regarding the questions from Mr. Bothered and the wedding album. My husband was previously married and has children with his former wife. I’ve made it a point to keep all of the old photos, including the old wedding album, because I know that one day in the future his children will want to know more about the past. Granted, the old photos are in a box stashed far, far away in a back corner of the attic. :) But nevertheless, they are safe and well preserved. Mr. Bothered needs to understand that his wife had a life before they got married – he knew that ahead of time. I know it is hard sometimes thinking of your spouse with their ex, especially if the divorce was especially bitter. But the children, who are the real innocents, may one day benefit from seeing the pictures. I agree Cat, keep the album and ask Mrs. Bothered to move the photos to a less obvious place. And then just make sure everything else has been thrown out! :)
— sjm, Pittsburgh 07/06/2010 Reply
Forty Down and Sixty to go:
Many community colleges have beginner classes in all kinds of sports at VERY reasonable rates.
Also, a trainer at your gym should be able to mix up your routine (different equipment, etc). Or join another gym that offers a great variety in the aerobics classes and / or water aerobics.
PS: I agree with Cat — we’re too busy frowning at our own image in the mirror to be looking at anyone else!
— Suzanne, Pittsburgh PA 07/06/2010 Reply
Dear Forty Down,
Congrats on your successes. If you can make such a great change at 39 you can try something new at 40! I had never even run a mile when I started running at 39 with a charity 5K, now I love running and plan to do a half marathon. I get up at 5:30 and run several miles before work every day. Good luck and have fun!
— CC Pittsburgh 07/06/2010 Reply
I kept my wedding album because when my parents and I talked about it they said it is a part of our family history I can pass on to my children. So I put the book aside, and it will leave me eventually. They can do with it as they choose.
— Christine Nightingale, Friendship 07/07/2010 Reply
I am rarely surprised but seeing the things people worry about and ask for advice about always surprises me. ‘Bothered’ got married to a woman with one previous marriage and a kid and he expects her to burn all evidence of her past. It’s a wedding album which contains pics of family and friends, not a shrine for another man. If the thought of her kissing another man bugs you should she get rid of her kid because we know what THAT means she did with another man. Funny stuff Cat.
Hats off to ‘Forty Down.’ You may think your body isn’t ready to be shown in public but women are beautiful, big small and in between. Good for you and keep at it.
— John 94129 07/07/2010 Reply
My comment for Forty Down is, Why let your less than perfect body stop you from going out in public? You didn’t let it stop you from getting started at the gym. I would feel MORE self-conscious working out in a gym than I would walking or biking on a Rail to Trail or in a park. There must be some kind of aerobic activity in your life that you used to like. Rediscover it. I bought myself a bike and love riding through the town and country. Sometimes I do a modified version of my gym routine at home (using dumbells, the stairs, etc.) The gym will seem less like torture once you’ve established that you have other options.
— Mark in Freeport 07/07/2010 Reply
“Bothered” needs to realize how important that album is or will be to the daughter. Does he really want to throw away the photo album of the wedding of the girl’s parents? If so, then I hope he is not her current father figure.
— Nancy in Pittsburgh 07/13/2010 Reply