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He Likes Reruns, Especially At His Own Weddings & Political Divide May Divide Them

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

DEAR CAT: My fiancÃ© and I recently got engaged. We are in our early 40’s and have both been married previously. We have a friendly relationship with his ex, as they have a four year old. Heâs been researching venues for our wedding and he told me about a great bed & breakfast he found that would be perfect. As we were looking at their website he mentioned that the owner hadn’t remembered him or his ex. I asked what he meant, and he explained that they stayed there the night before their wedding and possibly the wedding night as well (ceremony and reception held at a nearby location). They had a lot of pictures taken there, etc. I think it would be completely inappropriate. Am I being overly sensitive? I just feel there are scores of other venues out there and certainly we can find one that would be unique to us, even if this one is what we were looking for. And beyond just vetoing the idea, I am just uncomfortable that he suggested it. â NO RERUNS

DEAR RERUN: Of course youâre uncomfortable that he suggested it, Iâm uncomfortable just reading about it. My favorite part is how he was âresearchingâ venues and âfoundâ that B&B. Now he just has to unearth his tux/suit from wedding #1 and youâll wear his ex-wifeâs dress and…boom!…wedding solved. The very fact that he would suggest you marry him in the same place he married someone else is testament to his insensitivity, stupidity, laziness, or all three. My moneyâs on laziness but….Cat’s Call: That’s no excuse for his insulting your nuptials in such a monumental way.

DEAR CAT: I thought my life was finally starting to come together when I met a beautiful young lady. We have a great time together and we share many interests: music, movies and weâre huge hockey fans! I could see her being âthe oneâ but we differ in one way that may be a deal breaker. I am liberal and she is extremely conservative. At first I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. The President Obama jokes she makes with her friends were annoying at first, but theyâre starting to become a bit much. While everybody celebrated the death of Osama Bin Laden, she sulked that it didn’t happen while a Republican president was in office. While I tend to stick to my liberal ideals (my formative years were during the Clinton administration), I have been known to agree occasionally with a Republican view. For her, its the Republican way or the highway. Your call? — POLITICAL DIVIDE

DEAR POLITICAL: It shouldnât matter if people label themselves liberal or conservative, what should matter is whether they are sensible, rational and curious. If she sulked because one of the worldâs foremost terrorists was killed on the orders of a president she doesnât like, thatâs evidence of nonsensical, counterproductive thinking. I wasnât a fan of George W. Bush but if heâd ended world hunger, Iâd be thrilled. The crux of your differences isnât political, itâs a lack of intellectual curiosity on her part. When people truly care about each other, theyâre interested in each otherâs point of view. Otherwiseâ¦.Catâs Call: What will you talk about years down the road?

What’s YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions to: questions@catscall.com or click here!.

Political, Cat is right. Your fiancee will likely be raising your children someday. Do you want your kids to be taught to believe one side only, without questioning it, and to deride those on the other side? Intolerance is an ugly trait in anyone, and it’s an awful legacy to pass on to your children.

Also, no one needs to tell you that political views and ethics often go hand-in-hand. If you believe, for example, that it’s morally wrong to drastically cut aid to the elderly poor, down the road will you still respect someone who supports the policies you find completely unethical? What about access to healthcare, gay rights, etc.- are these merely political issues for you, or are your views tied to moral principles that you hold?

I used to love someone with very opposite political views. I, too, told myself that it didn’t matter. Eventually, I saw him in a very different light and lost a ton of respect for him. I knew that it couldn’t work with such divergent views of what society should be.

I married someone with very different religious views, but that has been less important than the fact that we agree for the most part on morality and politics. Good luck to you.

— Isidora, Pittsburgh 08/16/2011 Reply
Agreed. I was not a fan of Bush:The Sequel but if he did something good for mankind I would give him credit for it. I was not a big fan of Bush #1 but to this day I give him credit for Desert Storm and handling Hussein the right way. This girl does not sounds conservative. She sounds immature.

— John, NH 08/16/2011 Reply
Question no. 1 call: This situation is NOT funny. Give the ring back until he begs for forgiveness.

Question no. 2 call: People will tolerate differences like this in the “honeymoon period” but after the real honeymoon the picture starts to change. His girlfriend is guilty of envy, not conservative values because she is unhappy something good happened for someone she doesn’t like. I worry about a person like that.

— B. Pittsburgh 08/16/2011 Reply
@Isidora,

The fact that what you wrote was a political diatribe pegged to one side of the political spectrum steeped in ethics, while speaking of political tolerance was quite an irony, indeed.

— Lebron from Pittsburgh 08/16/2011 Reply
@NO RERUNS,

I was just recently remarried and let me tell you this about what you are going through… if I tried to do something like what your fiance’ is doing, my wife wouldn’t have written to Cat, but would have nipped that shit in the bud by letting me “have it” as she would have every right to do so.

— Lebron from Pittsburgh 08/16/2011 Reply
@POLITICAL DIVIDE,

It is too bad that some people become so polarized when it comes to politics. And, the sad thing about it is most of those people only know about politics from what they want to believe, what they feel like siding with, not by what is factual.

The same could be said about religious views too.

Therefore, as Cat stated in her reply, this is more about being open-minded, logical in thought, and compassionate of other peopleâs viewsâ¦ actually empathetic is probably the better choice of words.

So, you have to ask yourselfâ¦ do you truly love her and do you truly believe you can both work this issue out? Your future with her depends on those answers.

Please delete the other post. It was wrought with errors. Thanks, Cat.

— Lebron from Pittsburgh 08/16/2011 Reply
@ Rerun: he’s an idiot, dump him.

@ Divide: I don’t know why a good conservative would want to water down the family genes, anyway…..

— Ben - VA 08/16/2011 Reply
Regarding “Rerun,” your fiance is a typical guy, which is to say that he’s clueless. I also think that he’s a bit lazy in that he didn’t put out enough effort to do something new and creative. I mean, this is your wedding.

If the tables were turned and you were booking a hotel that you and your first husband had stayed at, I’m sure that he wouldn’t be as thrilled.

I hope that he’s more creative in the sack than picking honeymoon spots.

Regarding “Political,” James Carville and Mary Matlin seem to make it work, and they’re probably as political as you can get.

However, politics and love might make for a volatile mix. And if both of you are hard-core liberals and conservatives, then it’s doubtful there will be much crossover in your thoughts when it comes to politics.

Personally, I’m not going to get that worked up over politics, even when I disagree with someone. At the end of the day, it doesn’t pay my bills. It makes for interesting theater, but that’s all.

— Mike, Downtown 08/16/2011 Reply
@ Lebron,

“Diatribe”? Look up the definition. You’re way off base.

LW1 says that his fiancee insists on “the Republican way or the highway.” Can you honestly say that intolerance is an inappropriate word to describe this black/white attitude? I would use the same word for someone who insisted on ANY party “or the highway” as a blanket rule.

By the way, I’m happily married to someone from a foreign country whose languages, culture, and religion are quite different from mine. We’re raising a multi-lingual, multi-cultural family. Your suggestion that I’m intolerant because my political views were apparent from my comments is pretty presumptuous.

Sure, many conservatives and liberals marry and are perfectly happy. However, people should not marry before seriously discussing the issues that concern them- and LW1 is obviously concerned about this. It’s foolish to sweep it under the rug and just hope that love will conquer all.

— Isidora, Pittsburgh 08/16/2011 Reply
@Isidora,

Diatribe was stretching it, but for this forum, I’ll stick by that term. Your reply almost read like a political campaign, in which your mind was certain of its political beliefs… no matter if anyone tried to tell you otherwise.

It was just the way “you came off” when I read it.

I sensed an irony.

As for you marrying someone who is from a foreign country… that doesn’t mean jack-squat about the political issues you raised and how you pegged yourself to one side of the political spectrum.

— Lebron from Pittsburgh 08/17/2011 Reply
1. My call for Lebron and Isidora: looks like you’re having a ‘Cat fight.’ Get it? Haha for me.
  My call for Political Divide: I like Mike from downtown’s comment — getting worked up about politics doesn’t pay the bills. The reality is Cat is right, you are looking to end up in a marriage where you don’t talk about anything down the road. You don’t know what life will throw at you. It is very important to be on the same page as your spouse about the big things in life.
  My call for Rerun: I apologize in advance for this: your fiance sounds like a real prize.
  
  — T. pittsburgh 08/17/2011 Reply
  1. Ha ha! Good one, T. :)
    
    — Lebron from Pittsburgh 08/17/2011 Reply
@Rerun – Maybe he liked it so much that he wanted to share it with someone he really cares about. More likely he has no idea and went with the only option he could recommend from personal experience. To save you from future headaches let him know that you are uncomfortable with it and why and do it gently and without anger. Guys like guidance but not scolding.

@Divide – Strong political differences can create great arguments but also solutions and understanding. If you truly care about her and you are secure in your political point of view then call her on her statements and be prepared to defend your own point of view. But do it with civility and logical arguments. Don’t accept name calling or nonsensical garbage. Don’t be afraid to admit when she makes a good point and push her to admit when you’ve made a good point. Eventually you will either have new found respect for each other or driven each other crazy. In either case you will have determined where the relationship is going.

— John from Pittsburgh 08/17/2011 Reply
@John,

Well thought out advice regarding politics, but the problem is, and it is the same for religious matters, that people think and make decisions more often with emotions not logic or sound reasoning when it comes to politics.

— Lebron from Pittsburgh 08/17/2011 Reply
Rerun: Give the chump a chance. He may not know what you are looking for. The first places that would pop in my mind are places I’ve stayed at on business trips. Have you discussed with him where you would like to go? Give him some ideas, preferably ones that are nice, but won’t break the bank.

Divide: Mike suggested the Carville and Matlin marriage. It can work. I know couples where it does work, but I think whether or not it works depends as much on the personalities of the individuals. How are you two alike, and how are you two different? Are the differences complimentary? Are you alike in being bullheaded or easy going? Political and religious beliefs are pretty deeply held; they are part of one’s identity. Your personalities may be a nice fit for some things, but when it comes to politics or religion, those same traits may lead the two of you to clash. Good or bad, it is what it is. There’s a reason many dating services (and some workplaces) offer personality profile tests. Throughout life, it will be hard to avoid discussing religion and or politics; if you already know there will be a fight, why go through the misery? It’s something for you two to think about. My call: both parties and their politicians stink.

— Ex-onetime 'Burgher, Western US 08/17/2011 Reply