Columns
When Friends Are Flakes & When "Love" Is An Unwelcome Word
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
DEAR CAT: My friend is a perpetual flake. It is unfortunate since he and I have been best friends for fifteen years. He constantly shows up late and blows off plans without calling or texting. Itâs starting to upset all of our friends and Iâm wondering if I should just stop making plans with him altogether. Things have gotten worse since he met his current girlfriend as he often uses her as an excuse to not come out (âShe needs me to help her study.â âShe is not feeling well.â âShe is giving me the third degree.â) Yet heâll call me when he needs help cutting the lawn or to go to a lame party he is forced to attend. We used to be so close and I just want to make plans with him once every few weeks and feel confident that he will show up, or at least have the courtesy to call and cancel in advance. Your call? âFLAKES FOREVER
DEAR FLAKES: In friendship few things are more irritating than flakiness. Itâs an umbrella under which you find perpetual lateness, borrowing things that are never returned or having things returned either dirty or broken, forgetting plans, neglecting to bring money when you go out, not returning phone calls, and laziness. Yes, that last one is the real reason your friend doesnât exercise common courtesy – he knows youâll keep asking without any effort on his part. Truth is, heâd call back or show up if itâs something he really wanted to do. On the flip side, flakes are usually boring and who wants to hang out with a snore? Do this: absolutely nothing. Stop calling. Stop inviting him out. Say no if he calls only to ask you for something. Wait until he notices your and your friendsâ absences. If he doesnât noticeâ¦Catâs Call: Itâs time to find a new best friend.
DEAR CAT: For three years I have been in a relationship with a widow who has 4 kids (aged 32, 31, 13, 10). I love them all but I am closest to the two youngest boys. When I told her that I love her and the boys, she told me that love is just a four letter word that she hates. She says she wants to be just friends and lovers, but in my view that is not a relationship. What should I do? â FRIENDSHIP IS NOT A âRELATIONSHIPâ
DEAR FRIENDSHIP: Youâve been together for three years. Youâve become close with her children. Youâve spoken words of love. Sheâs told you straight how she feels. If you canât agree on the type of relationship you want to have, thereâs nothing more to do. After four children and losing a husband, sheâs lived enough to know what she wants â and doesnât want. Some people consider âfriends and loversâ an ideal relationship but you must decide if this is enough for you, because obviously itâs the most sheâs willing to give. Think on this: if a woman wrote about a man who only wanted to be friends and lovers….Catâs Call: What would you tell her
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
On the second question: Too bad she wasn’t forthcoming about her dislike of “love” relationships three years ago. Now he’s close to her children and they don’t even have the chance at him becoming permanent in their lives. Who knows, maybe she’ll change her mind and is just jaded from losing her husband. My call: I feel bad for both of them and the kids.
— Carol (pittsburgh ) 08/24/2010 Reply
I don’t think flake is the best description for his personality, I have to agree with Cat and say it is more laziness than anything. Women might see it as flakiness but that term implies he forgets to text or call back when in reality he’s not doing it because he doesn’t care. Rude? Yes. Flaky, no.
— JB bay area 08/24/2010 Reply
I CAN’T STAND dealing with flakes. Yes there’s laziness at work but also selfishness too, as though you’re not important enough to even call and cancel on. My hudband and I know a couple like that, we stopped seeing them because they would ruin plans. We’d be standing at a restaurant waiting for them, starving, and some restaurants won’t seat you until your entire party is there. One time they showed up to a surprise party LATE which pretty much defeats the purpose of showing up at all. You would think that habit goes away as people get older and live in the real world but nooooooo, the world revolves around them…..at least until everyone stops calling them and seeing them.
About the widow, I guess we don’t know her story other than the most basic facts. If she’s been in other relationships since her husband died and they failed, for whatever reason, she might be afraid to get close again. But Cat has a point that after 3 years she’d know if she wants to get serious with him. It sounds like he truly cares for her so it’s sad if they can’t work it out. Not too many men want relationships with a woman with four kids. Good luck to them.
— Michelle in Pittsburgh 08/24/2010 Reply