Columns
Her Maid Drives A Nice Car...Oh No! And The Inconvenience Of An Affair
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
DEAR CAT: Iâm curious as to your thoughts on this issue. Our maid dresses very well, which I appreciate, but she drives a nicer car than we do. I know it sounds like Iâm a snob but itâs not about that. We get basic cleaning service three times per week and I know we pay quite well compared to others. The point is, even if she had ten clients who pay what we pay, she still shouldnât be able to afford her car and this concerns me. I donât want anyone working for us who might be into illegal activity. Should I bring this up with her, let her go and find someone else, or just ignore it? — CONCERNED FOR MY HOME
DEAR CONCERNED: Your assumption about her isnât snobby, itâs irrational. Just because she cleans houses doesnât mean sheâs in dire straights, just as having the means to hire a maid doesnât mean youâre rich. How much do you really know about her? Maybe her husband makes a fine living or she day-trades or has family money or strips or waits tables at night (in my waitressing days I could make more than a monthâs car payment in a few hours) or any number of completely legal possibilities. If sheâs a good housekeeper and her car is the only reason youâre uncomfortable, just ignore it orâ¦Catâs Call: Buy a nicer one.
DEAR CAT: Iâve been married for six years but have been with the same individual for seventeen years. We also have a ten year old child. This past Spring I became attracted to one of my spouseâs colleagues and we began having an affair. This man is also married and has two young children. Originally we saw each other at his place when his spouse was away on business but eventually we started meeting in broad daylight and even at night. We always meet when he has time and Iâm supposed to drop everything and go running. Is this fair? I don’t think so. I just got a message from him saying weâre on a temporary break. He swears his spouse knows nothing about us but I’m not so sure. More than once Iâve thought about ending the affair but I am getting satisfaction I don’t get at home, and the same is true for him. What should I do? Please help, I’m going crazy! â WORKPLACE ROMANCE
DEAR ROMANCE: Extramarital affairs are so inconvenient, arenât they? Itâs completely unfair that you have to drop whatever youâre doing and race around just to cheat on your husband (sorry, I mean your âindividual.â) It doesnât sound like youâve found satisfaction, it sounds like youâve found drama and perhaps for you theyâre the same thing. Thatâs understandable, since life can be boring, but instead of seeing your husbandâs colleague, try seeing a therapist. You need to figure out why you havenât ended the affair despite having the inclination to do so. You need to determine why youâve stayed with the same man for seventeen years despite being unsatisfied. And you really need to understand the most important point…Catâs Call: A marriage can last forever, affairs never do.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Re: Illicit Affair
OK, let me see if I can be civil about this, despite my current irritation with this woman’s attitude. The ones who are the unfortunate ‘beneficiaries’ of unfairness are: the two young children of her lover, his spouse, her 10 year old child, and her husband. She and her lover have no love for these folks, otherwise they would not be doing this to them. I have no clue if her husband’s a jerk, but he seems to be willing to continue in marriage for the long haul. That speaks volumes when she is a cheater.
Can I speak about satisfaction for a moment? There is no greater satisfaction in marriage than trust. The peace that comes from knowing my wife is faithful to me, and tells me the truth, and has confidence in me as a husband and a father oozes over into every area of our marriage, including our parenting and our intimacy. This woman lacks satisfaction, but she’ll never get it because she can’t be trusted. She’s the central problem to the ruining of two families, her’s and her lover’s.
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 08/31/2010 Reply
Wow! It’s been awhile since I’ve had time to read the column or write in; and I sure picked a great day to start up again.
To Concerned: sounds like you’re absolutely a snob to me, and you’re rationalizing to attempt to demonstrate that you’re not a snob by making up a potential story of you maid’s “illegal activity.” Is your maid better looking than you too? She must have gotten plastic surgery if she is; which means, of course, that she must have obtained lots of money through more “illegal activity.” Here’s the point Concerned: you’re an egotistical little snob.
To Romance: You and your Extramarital Affair Partner are basically just deplorable people. No doubt he is just using you to get his jollies, and you’re just doing the same. So don’t pretend like you’re in some type of complex situation and you want help; just accept the fact that you and him are two untrustworthy, immoral, empty souls who will eventually end up alone and not loved by anyone, let alone your respective spouses or each other. The only hope I see is for your respective spouses to hook up with each other; then you can all divorce and remarry, and do it all over again.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 08/31/2010 Reply
To Concerned, as long as she is getting the house spic and span I wouldn’t worry too much about her car. As Cat said there could be many logical reasons why she can afford it.
To Romance, I was mortified when I read your submittal. Surely you must recognize the destructive potential of this affair and how it could have irreversible effects on your families. The way you write makes it seem like you almost want to get caught.
— Brandon 08/31/2010 Reply
Regarding the affair question: Set aside the moral aspect and the marriage vows aspect, you didn’t really expect an advice columnist (Cat in this case) to help you work out your affair did you? One of my friends had an affair about five years ago and she sounded like you. All crazy and like she was 20 again. We had to walk on eggshells for months until one of our friends finally said to her “you’re married, shouldn’t you be freaking out about THAT man instead of your affair?” She got kind of mad at us but that was the point, she just didn’t want to hear it. Affairs go NOWHERE. Cat hit that one directly. All affairs will end. Period. You’re lucky you have a husband to run back to.
Regarding the maid question: She reminds me of my mother’s friends. This question really made me laugh. And Cat’s call especially… “Buy a nicer car.” LOL Cat.
— Cara, Erie 08/31/2010 Reply
Please you can lease a car – you pay depreciation. The better the car, the less depreciation. Also – if she lives in someone else’s home, all her earnings can go into her nice car. Gee that lady is a nut!
the cheat?
what an idiot! no further comment. I hope her husband gets custody of the child.
— crazy people! 08/31/2010 Reply
These two women are the kind that give the rest of us a bad name.
Kudos to Jon in Florida and Carm in Pittsburgh. Combine those two comments and there you have mine!
— Chris, Pittsburgh 08/31/2010 Reply
Dear Workplace Romance:
You should be ashamed of yourself. You lack moral character, dignity for others, and overall human decency. Your actions make it clear that you only think of yourself, and your desires. Whatever rush or “high” you may get from extra-marrital affairs only lasts for the moment, and has real serious future ramifications.
Not only are you putting your future, your husband’s future, and your marriage’s future at stake, most importantly you are putting your child’s future at stake by recklessly indulging in selfish immoral reprehensible acts with other’s outside of your marriage.
I ask that you repent from your disgustinlgy wrongful ways, ask for forgiveness, and always do what’s best for your child, your marriage, and your husband.
— John - Pittsburgh, PA 08/31/2010 Reply
RE: DEAR ROMANCE
Adultery is wrong, ipso facto!
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 08/31/2010 Reply
Cat – did you print these two ‘letters’ just to show us how ignorant some people can be? I have to imagine that the two women who wrote their issues out and sent them in to you, how could they not have wanted to smack themselves for being so extremely moronic and selfish as they sound? I’d be embarrassed if i wrote that out and re-read it to myself. Yes to the first ‘person’ who wrote in – you are an extremely uneducated and narrowminded twit to think that because someone has a nicer car than you, they must be doing something illegal. What if she saved her money and bought herself a nice car??? If you have to write into a column with a question like that, then ‘lady’ you really need to do some soul-searching to see what is wrong with you and your life. Didn’t you think to yourself that hey, i sound pretty darn shallow! I’d better get a new hobby.
When I didn’t think a person could sound any more moronic, I read the second column….she actually has the audacity to write in and complain about the person she’s having an affair with, that HE is being selfish that she should drop everything??? Your advice, Cat, should have been for this piece of scum to pick up a mirror and take a good long look at who is being selfish. I know you aren’t into name-calling but this person deserves it. If the people in your life knew how you truly are, I honestly believe that you would not have friends, let alone be married. But then maybe that’s why these two wrote in…because they have lost their friends with their selfish and stupid actions.
— K. Ruckel, Pgh 08/31/2010 Reply
C’mon Cat – you’re making it too easy on yourself (and us readers) – where is the challenge?
Both of these “stories” are so devoid of any need for reader discretion, I don’t think anyone was even half finished reading either story, when they already decided what lowly, decrepit schmucks both of these women were.
Please set the bar a little higher, Cat….
— Ben - Virginia 08/31/2010 Reply
I have lived enough years to know every life is filled with problems. I don’t sympathize with today’s question writers but they are troubled about things and want an objective opinion. I have fretted about things that others might find not important but they were important in my life. This might sound unpopular but I can understand why the woman worries about her maid. Ben from Virginia thinks Cat was too easy on herself but I think she might be too easy on the maid. I don’t know anyone who would clean houses if they didn’t have to. There are plenty of workers who receive government money (like welfare) and still do other work that is not declared. That is not really the homeowner’s problem but it is suspicious when a person who makes little ‘observable’ money drives a very nice car.
— T. Pittsburgh 08/31/2010 Reply
I want to respond to T’s point: If you know a barista at the local Starbucks makes $7/hr and comes to work in a Lexus, do you think they’re up to something illegal? No you would assume their parents or spouse makes a decent living. But if a McDonald’s employee shows up to work in a Lexus you would assume something illegal is going on. This IS a question of snobbiness.
— Mack 08/31/2010 Reply
About the first question—Who the hell cares what she drives? People are such jealous idiots sometimes. We used to have cleaning help who were just upper middle class moms who wanted to have something to do and earn some extra money. They each lived in beautiful homes. Frankly, I liked it!
— D. Pittsburgh 08/31/2010 Reply
Oh good grief. My child’s occasional babysitter lives alone in a beautiful four-bedroom house in a great neighborhood and drives an expensive car. She also teaches at a public grade school. No, she doesn’t make much money of her own, but her Daddy’s been good to her and I don’t mind a bit. As long as she cares for my child (which she does quite well) she can wear her Prada shoes to my smaller house in a poorer neighborhood anytime. And I certainly never worry about her stealing from us. We probably don’t have anything she would want!
For all you know, she won the car on “The Price is Right” after saving for ten years to ride a Greyhound bus to LA. If you’ve got no complaints about her work, then this issue is YOURS.
— Tiffany in Arizona 08/31/2010 Reply
My mother has owned and operated her own house cleaning service for years. She makes very good money because she is very good at what she does. It is a lucrative career if you do it right. Also, my dad is pretty well to do. My mom cleans houses because she does like to clean. Some people find cleaning therapeutic believe it or not. Me, not so much, to each their own. Don’t be such a snob. You sound like you are looking down on “blue collar” work. Get over it.
As far as the affair- really? You really wrote into this column? I wrote into this column a few weeks ago about my husband having an affair. Take it from someone who knows – nothing positive comes out of an affair. Period. End it now. If he wants a break it’s because you are nothing to him but a toy. So don’t expect sympathy from Cat or any of the readers.
— Amy Pittsburgh 09/02/2010 Reply