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Should You Blow The Whistle On A Cheating Spouse? And Should She Say No To Her Family Obligation?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
DEAR CAT: If your spouse admits to having an affair with someone who is also married, should you tell that person’s spouse? Also, the âother personâ knows that I know. Your call? â ABOUT TO SPILL THE BEANS!
DEAR BEANS: I took an informal Cat Poll on your question and the results surprised me: 80% say itâs a bad idea to spill the beans to the other spouse. The logic is twofold: 1) Doing so could open a Pandoraâs box where you might find one (or both) of the other couple screaming at your door, badmouthing you, or worse. 2) Itâs not your place to inject destructive information into anotherâs marriage. On the other hand, 20% say you shouldnât knowingly let someone live in the dark, faithfully committed to a liar. I say you canât know what goes on inside another personâs marriage and sharing such incendiary news could do more harm than good. Cheating is awful, no doubt about it. But if youâre still digesting your own spouseâs infidelity and youâre feeling vengefulâ¦.Catâs Call: Tend to your own marital problems before creating them for someone else.
DEAR CAT: My grandfather passed away a couple years ago. He chose me to be in charge of a college fund he set up for my cousin’s three girls because my cousin and her parents have been pretty reckless with money. I am not close to my cousinâs family, and I agreed to this when I was just out of college but I had no idea what the commitment would entail. Iâm now facing the initial stages of paperwork which will likely turn into at least ten years of financial administration since the oldest girl is still four years away from graduating high school. My grandpa wanted to give them a chance at a better life and that’s why I said I would help, plus I had a sense of family obligation. I was given this position because I am responsible, but I really don’t want to do it. Your call? âTOO RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN GOOD
DEAR RESPONSIBLE: You have an enormous responsibility on your shoulders and the most conscientious thing to do is seek legal advice immediately. As responsible as you may be, the very fact that you donât want this âjobâ might be the best indicator that youâre not the best person to handle it. It would be highly irresponsible of me (or any legal layperson) to guide you blindly on this matter because I donât know the specific terms. Such as: Is there a pile of cash youâre supposed to watch or manage, and for how many years? Or are you a trustee of investments managed by a third party? Is the money supposed to be divided equally or do you alone decide exactly how much to give each daughter? What happens to the money if they choose not to go to college? Iâm hammering you with questions because, in time, thatâs probably what your cousinâs family will do. Talk to a lawyer ASAP because unless youâre prepared to answer every questionâ¦.Catâs Call: Doing right by your grandpa might not result in doing the right thing for your cousins.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
1st question call: Tell the other spouse but don’t do it in person. They have a right to know they’re being cheated on. 2nd question call: Talk to a lawyer and maybe even hand over the responsibility to them. Or split the money evenly for the girls now with the rule they can have when they need it for college. If they don’t go, they can have it when they are 30 or something. I’ve heard about setups like that.
— Craig, PGH 09/14/2010 Reply
Re: About to spill the beans…
Truth sets people free, and it may be life-saving. One, as a married man, I would want to know if my spouse is being adulterous. Someone telling me that does NOT do more harm than good, as you mention. The lying, cheating spouse has already harmed the marriage, perhaps irreparably. Two, if your spouse is with another sexually, and then is with you, you have the “privilege” of sleeping with every person your spouse and his lover(s) have slept with. What a venereal cocktail that could be!
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 09/14/2010 Reply
Hi Cat,
I’ve never written to you before and I don’t have any particularly contemplative questions for you but I wanted to respond to your “Too responsible for my own good” question from today’s Post-Gazette. Tell that guy/gal to go to a financial advisor. It’s important to keep promises, but there’s nothing wrong with leveraging a professional to provide you with their services. A reasonable financial advisor (not a fixed fee advisor, but one that offers a few different kinds of mutual funds and profits based upon the performance of those funds) would be a fine way to administrate those funds. It sounds like he/she’s dealing with an investment that needs to last 8-14 years (I’m guessing at the age of the girls here, based on 4 years until college + 4 years of college, then assuming the youngest is no more than 6 years younger than the oldest) and that he/she is a relatively young guy/gal – maybe late 20s or early 30s – which means that the appropriate level of risk for that person’s retirement fund would not be appropriate for the college funds based on when money is needed. A lawyer is an OK start, but the grandfather mostly handled that side of things when he designated a trustee of his estate. A financial advisor is what this person really needs.
— Gregg (Aurora, OH) 09/14/2010 Reply
2nd question first: Cat’s response seems to be mostly appropriate. However not all lawyers are trained in the area that need to be addressed. Make sure you find a lawyer who is estremely knowledgable about Estate and Trust Law. Call your local bar association to find a specialist. If you find a good one, you may not need to abandon the endeavor altogether; rather, you will me deligating the management, which is probably the most appropriate way for you to keep your promise, and also lighten the load of your responsibility.
1st question next: This is a very difficult call. Deep down I think the right thing to do is to let the other spouse who is being cheated on know that she is being cheated on; but I see the problem with all the potential emotional repercussions that could follow; i.e., the aforesaid pandora’s box of unruly conduct. I think what we’re missing here is what is the Bean Spiller doing about her own spouse and their relationship? Is he/she going to leave them? If not, is he/she going to stay with them and let his/her spouse continue on with the affair? If Bean Spiller leaves his/her spouse, then the other situation might come into focus for the other cuckolded spouse without Bean Spiller needing to spill the beans personally. MaybeBean Spiller should handle his or her own relationship first. I suspect, however, that Bean Spiller is trying to form an alliance with the other spouse in order to have a united front. Ugh! Too tough to call without being there. But be careful Bean Spiller.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 09/14/2010 Reply
Cat,
In response to TOO RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN GOOD, I recently met with a lawyer for other reasons, but, this subject came up. He told me that a bank could be set up as a trustee on the funds and they would manage it per the wishes of the person who set it up. This removes the work for the person who set it up, and it would also fulfill the wishes of the Grandfather.
— D.A. 09/14/2010 Reply
As for TOO RESPONSIBLE. I was given a similar responsibility with family I am very close with. I was very concerned that by being in charge of their money, at some point down the road, it could possibly ruin our relationship. Rather than spending the enormous amount of money attorneys charge, I went to see a financial planner that a friend had recommended. It worked out fantastic! Do yourself a favor, save the money an attorney will charge.
— Sue, Pittsburgh 09/14/2010 Reply
I’m sorry Sue but your advice about saving money on lawyers’ fees is poor and uninformed. The only thing a financial planner does is help someone plan their investment strategies (savings, retirement, etc.), hence their title. Only a lawyer who specializes in these matters understands the legal ramifications of the woman’s responsibility in the context of the grandfather’s estate as a whole. Cat gave THE BEST POSSIBLE ADVICE. This is about someone’s estate, and who knows how much cash, also possible trusts. This is a matter for an attorney and she’d be a fool not to consult with one or more.
— K.S. in Pittsburgh 09/14/2010 Reply
I just read your call on the cheating spouse one Cat. I didn’t finish reading it before I bet you’d say “tell them right now!” I very much disagree with you on this answer. If you know someone is being cheated on, tell them!!! It doesn’t matter if they’re cheating with someone other than your own spouse. If you find out about something like this, the spouse has a right to know and you have the obligation to put them in the know, whether or not you want to.
— Camilla, Pittsburgh 09/14/2010 Reply
Ever heard of “killing the messenger?” While I agree the other spouse deserves to know but there is no “moral obligation” on the part of the first spouse to tell. I’m not religious at all but marriage is between two spouses and that’s that. If you are the sister or close friend of the spouse who’s being cheated on and you hear about the infidelity, that’s something you should tell them because you’re a trusted person in their life. But otherwise it’s safest to stay out of it.
— Sarah, Pgh 09/14/2010 Reply
TELL THE OTHER SPOUSE, particularly if he or she is attractive. Seriously, that is the BEST way to position yourself for some revenge sex.
— Jason from Cranberry 09/14/2010 Reply
LOL
— JT North Hills 09/15/2010 Reply
On question 1 – I’d be a terrible judge, because I can see a valid point from several angles. First, and most practically, I think the cheating victim deserves to know, to be able to protect him/her self from STDs which the wandering trollop may bring home. Second thought – maybe they have an “open marriage”, and the partner already knows. Finally – most people hate to receive bad news. Queue Tobie Keith – “I wish I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then….”
On question 2 – If you can’t take care of family, who can you take care of?
For Jason – Revenge sex? Great idea, wish I had thought of that……
— Ben - Virginia 09/14/2010 Reply
Yes you should tell a husband/wife if the other one is cheating because if one spouse cheats it’s always partially the fault of the ‘faithful’ spouse. Telling them will bring everything out in the open. Cheating isn’t good but there are reasons for it beyond the usual “he’s a dog” and “she wasn’t satisfied at home.” Don’t assume the other spouse isn’t cheating also, because you can’t know if it’s not your marriage. Like I said cheating is never only the cheaters’ fault.
— G.R. USA 09/14/2010 Reply
“Cheating is never only the cheater’s fault”? Who’s fault is it then? Even if someone cheats on a real bad spouse that doesn’t make it anyone’s fault but the cheater’s. The act of cheating, that is. It’s not about if someone treats you badly, and you cheat on them, whether they deserved it. My call: Spill The Beans should not tell the other spouse. Cat is right, you’re full of anger and vengeance, and you might learn more details as you work through this that would make you think better of ‘spilling the beans.’ Good luck.
— L.T -- in LA 09/15/2010 Reply
Sorry Cat
You really choked on a fur ball here.
“tend to your own marital problems before creating them for someone else” THE AFFAIR WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF THE “SOMEONE ELSE” did not already have problems. The only people in this situation who have the REAL problems are the cheaters themselves. That problem is that they are TOO IMMATURE TO DEAL WITH ISSUES/PROBLEMS AT HAND and solve them, before needing to take their frustrations out (sexually) with someone other than their spouse. GROW UP CHEATERS and face your inability to see yourself as you really are – immature and insecure – no backbone.
— kasha pittsburgh pa 09/14/2010 Reply
Maybe just set up a separate checking account, and when the three girls get bills for tuition or books, etc. they could just give you a copies of the reciepts and you can write reinbursement checks for them. It is as much work as paying some extra bills—except the money will come from the special checking account with money left by your grandfather.
— F-F Friend 09/14/2010 Reply
Cat’s right on the mark with the first question. I can’t believe all the vengeful vigilante home wreckers sanctimoniously preaching from their high horses. Don’t butt your nose into other people’s business. What one spouse has a “right” to know, within his/her marriage, is none of your concern. Get your own house in order and your own spouse in line.
— Mark, Freeport 09/16/2010 Reply
I went thru question 1 in 2004 and I told the other spouse. It sure made me feel a lot better knowing that the guy screwing my wife was now in trouble with his wife. It also made it way more difficult for them to get together. You can keep the high road on this, they are the one’s lying, cheating, sneaking around, and you are just helping them to get caught.
— Brandon, Conneaut Lake 10/01/2010 Reply