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Is She His True Love...Or His Maid? And Girlfriend's Birthday Present Could Cause Family Problems
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
DEAR CAT: I am a professional woman in my early 40’s, divorced, with no children. For over a year Iâve been dating a man who is separated and has a child. We get along fairly well but, after 18 months of separation, he and his wife still have no set plan for divorce. He says they are âamicable for the sake of their childâ but I know it’s more than that. She has open access to his home yet I am not permitted to call him or stop by without pre-arranging. Iâve told him that I feel like a secret and I constantly find myself in a state of emotional turmoil. He says he wants a long term relationship and I’m âthe oneâ but how can he say that when heâs made no effort to rectify his marital situation? One time I even overheard him making fun of me with his mother in law. I do his laundry and cook for him but he does nothing for me. I worry this is a one- sided relationship that will never progress to marriage. Am I being difficult, or should I walk away and find someone better equipped to pursue a future with me? I think I know the answer but am curious about your call. — EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER
DEAR ROLLERCOASTER: With so much time spent as his housemaid, wherever do you find the time to wash the scarlet D (for doormat) off your clothes? Thereâs no way to spin itâ¦you are dating a married man. Both legally and emotionally, he is still with his wife. So youâre âthe one,â huh? The one for a secret, laundry-filled, guiltless sex relationship with no commitment. You know, I know it, readers know it. On the up side, If he ever proposes (fat chance) when people ask why youâre marrying him you can excitedly say, âwe get along fairly well.â You donât need someone with better equipmentâ¦.Catâs Call: You need someone whoâs in love with you.
DEAR CAT: My girlfriendâs birthday is coming up and I want to give her a dream gift: a daytrip to a nearby city including a few hours at a spa she always talks about. I know this would blow her away but the problem is her mother said she âfully expectsâ us at their house for dinner. Letâs just say her tone meant business. But if we do my plan, we wouldnât be back in time. My girlfriendâs actual birthday is by far the best day for my plan but I donât want to make her mother mad or put her in the uncomfortable position of having to choose. What should I do? —HELP ME SURPRISE HER!
DEAR SURPRISE: Your gift idea is lovely, thoughtful, romantic and fun! But (yes, thereâs a âbutâ) if you really want the daytrip to be supremely dreamy, choose a different day. It wonât spoil anything to move the trip a week or two. On her actual birthday, give her flowers with a card detailing the upcoming tripâs itinerary, including a menu of spa services. Trust me, sheâll be smiling until the day of the trip, and for many days thereafter. Catâs Call: Better to have your girlfriend smiling than her mother fuming.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I couldn’t believe Rollercoaster said “I am not permitted to call him or stop by without pre-arranging.” That’s like a real mistress, why would she stay one day with someone like that?
— Sam, Pgh 09/21/2010 Reply
âBetter to have your girlfriend smiling than her mother fumingâ is all well and good, but he should consider that if he marries the girl, there will be a mother-in-law who will âfully expectâ to get her way in all kinds of annoying ways. (Of course, this boyfriend-grirlfriend may be between teenagers, in which case, Iâm on the motherâs side.)
— I.P. Jerusalem 09/21/2010 Reply
I’m with Sam. Why do we women do things like this to ourselves? Never believe a man who says “it’s for the sake of the children.” Well, it’s never about the children no matter what they say. It’s all about him. He’s married, period. He does not belong to you and until he’s really divorced he never will. And from the sound of it, he doesn’t want to be divorced—he’s perfectly happy to have a marriage that doesn’t entail living with his wife, but all the free sex and maid service he wants on the side. Really, he can’t lose. He’s a selfish jerk—what more do you need to know?
— Katie, Pittsburgh 09/21/2010 Reply
This in reply to Katie and Sam: I swear women let men walk all over them and now that I’m older my friends and I have been asking ourselves “why???” In most of the animal kingdom the males try hard to get the females yet in our species/world/culture women have to jump through hoops but for what? To get knocked up? It doesn’t make any sense. Here’s a woman calling herself “Emotional Rollercoaster” who’s volunteering for that role! (not getting knocked up but bowing to his whims) She’s completely miserable and resentful and she’s still with him. The older a woman gets the more she starts to see the craziness of that choice.
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 09/21/2010 Reply
Wow! This thread really has jumped the track. It’s not about the anthropology of how poor noble human females find themselves being exploited by the males of the species (Give me a break!) It’s about Rollercoaster needing to take charge of her life. It doesn’t feel right to her, because she deserves better than being strung along.
— Mark, Freeport 09/21/2010 Reply
As a man I can say the ladies commenting here are 100% correct. Do we like to have sex? Yes. Do we like knowing there’s a woman available (a woman we like and are attracted to) for dinner, hanging out, and, yes, sex? Yes. Are we going to say no if a woman is willing to do laundry and cook for us? No. But as for me I will admit that if a woman would be willing to be that accommodating to me I would feel obligated to be good to her, but that’s how I was brought up. You don’t take advantage of anyone, especially a giving, decent woman. Also, a woman should be brought up to recognize when she’s being taken advantage of and put a stop to it. My call to Emotional Rollercoaster: Leave the bum.
— Jim in Pittsburgh 09/21/2010 Reply
It’s too bad the boyfriend didn’t talk with the mother about his plans. It’s a bad situation when you’re afraid even to bring up something with a future in-law. It doesn’t bode well for a future relationship when someone is afraid to bring up something for discussion because of anger. Sounds like the mother has anger management problems, if even her daughter’s boyfriend is afraid of her anger.
— Tony in Pittsburgh 09/21/2010 Reply
If a woman like Emotional Rollercoaster had enough money, she wouldn’t lay down for a man like that because she’d know she doesn’t NEED him. Money or not, she doesn’t need his leftover time. What a loser! The man, not her. Honey pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Maybe he says you’re the one for him but he’s not the one for you. Cat’s right when she says you already know it.
— B. Chicago 09/21/2010 Reply
I think the ladies have the first letter covered.
Regarding the second letter, I think the boyfriend ought to speak with the girlfriend’s mother/possible future mother-in-law and say what he has planned. And there’s no reason that he can’t move the date for the day trip/spa to a week ahead or even a day that fits his girlfriend’s schedule.
AND, by the way, if the mother is like that now, just wait until he gets married. My brother spent the first eight years of his (first) marriage tip-toeing around his mother-in-law. My brother had been in the Navy and spent months at sea on an aircraft carrier but was afraid of his mother-in-law. What the hell?
— Mike, Downtown 09/21/2010 Reply