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Niece's Boyfriend Is Unwelcome & Coworker's B.O. Is Out Of Control
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
DEAR CAT: Three years ago my lovely 25 year old niece moved her boyfriend into her mother’s (my sister’s) home. My sister is a widow and a diabetic, and she barely gets by financially. This boyfriend is a freeloader with two out-of-wedlock children from a previous relationship and he never pays much to cover his or his childrenâs expenses. Also, he has a history of drug use and a criminal record. Heâs told my niece that he does not wish to ever marry her, and my niece told us that she doesn’t want to marry him either. Iâve hosted family get-togethers at my home to which the boyfriend was not invited. I feel that a family, like any other group, should have rules about membership, i.e., you are born into, adopted into, or married into it. Since the boyfriend is not a prospective family member I feel no obligation to invite him to family events. I also don’t want someone who is a suspected drug user and who has the potential for violence in my home. My sister feels I am unreasonable and I should invite him (and his children!) and treat them like family. But I donât want to send a larger message to these young people that marriage doesn’t matter anymore. Please advise, am I obligated to treat this young man like a nephew just because heâs shacking up with my niece at my sister’s expense? —UNWILLING AUNT TO THE FREELOADER
DEAR UNWILLING: Letâs ignore âthe significance of marriageâ subject because their never-to-be engagement isnât the issue. The real issue is: Itâs your home and you can fill it with whomever you want. If your sister doesnât like it, thatâs tough. She offers him a place to live despite your feelings about him, therefore you have the right to keep him out of your home despite her feelings about him. Few people would disagree that you have zero obligation to warmly welcome into your home (and cook and clean up after) someone you feel is a disrespectful passing-ship with the potential for danger. And if someone does disagreeâ¦Catâs Call: They can chime in once they start paying your mortgage.
DEAR CAT: Youâre probably the tenth person Iâve asked about this question. Is there anything to be done about a coworkerâs smell (as in body odor?) Iâve been suffering for three months sharing a desk with a man who smells so bad it almost makes me sick. Heâs a nice man so I never wanted to say anything. I talked to my boss about it but she says itâs âjust one of those unfortunate things.â Your call? — CANâT STAND IT ANYMORE
DEAR CANâT: Your boss canât fix the manâs B.O. but she can fix your proximity to it by simply moving you to a different desk. There are any number of plausible excuses: the A/C vent blows directly on you, thereâs an electrical problem at your station, or maybe you need more or less natural light because of strained eyesight. Tell her again how much the odor truly bothers you and pitch these ideas to her. Catâs Call: Iâd go with the air vent excuse.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
The body odor problem should be referred to HR. It is their job to deal with employees with those types of problems if your boss refuses to do it. They have training and experience in approaching awkward issues with as much tact as possible.
— Kris, Pittsburgh 09/28/2010 Reply
Being a REAL man, for the life of me, I canât understand why these stupid women allow their so called idiot boyfriendâs to âfreeloadâ off of them. My spouse has that same situation in her family. The sister is out working hard to maintain in todayâs expensive society and take care of her children, while the father of the kids, go out and do his thing anywhere, anytime he feels like it and doesnât contribute one iota of any monies towards the rent or mortgage, utilities, food or care of his woman or the children, while residing in the home of this woman. I think she deserves whatâs happening in this situation as long as she allows it to happen. Kick that fool out on his butt and make him realize that he doesnât belong there and should be a ârealâ man by getting a job and most important, grow up. I wouldnât feed him, nor allow a freeloader to stay at my home, regardless of the situation. He better be working diligently to find a job and start taking care of himself. The first thing I heard from this type of situation is that the woman doesnât feel sheâll be attractive enough for another man, if she lost this one. Well honey, thereâs plenty of fish in the sea that know where to swim and take care of business. Just get out there and find one. Get off your butt and kick him out on his butt!!! This is a message for the niece.
— Ed (Virginia) 09/28/2010 Reply
You see this sort of thing all the time. “he’s my boyfriend and I love him and he should be treated like one of the family.” I don’t think the aunt is being too old-fashioned about not supporting a relationshp if it’s not going anywhere. She is correct in saying they’re just “shacking up” because what else can you call it?
I have no idea what to say about the BO coworker. Good ideas Cat. My only thought was she should quit!
— Katherine, North Side 09/28/2010 Reply
When I was a Workstation Support boss one of my employees came to me to tell me that another employee smelled, and that they had heard some of our customers complain. The employee had to visit PCs in offices and confined spaces and the smell would linger. I immediately called the employee in to the office and told him what had been reported. I told him why it was important to the organization and to himself for his hygiene to be better. He worked for me for another 3 years and I never heard (or smelled) another complaint. Bosses have a responsibility to be direct with employees when there is a problem. In this case there is a problem and it is not a proximity problem – it is a hygiene problem.
Matt’s Call :-) – The boss needs to be direct, both employees deserve it.
— Matt Gainesville Fl 09/28/2010 Reply
Well, concerning the BO issue, there’s just no way you can have a polite discussion with someone you like who has chronic BO so as not to hurt feelings. I think CAT’s advice is probably the polite and discreet way to handle it.
As for the query about inviting someone you don’t like into your home, again, I agree with CAT: it’s your house, invite whom you like. The problem might end up being that your Neice and Sister will resent it so much that it will harm your relationships with them. You will have to weigh those factors, and perhaps you’ll have to make the hard decision, one way or another. It stinks (not BO stink), but just that’s the way it is.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 09/28/2010 Reply
Hey Cat,
Think you dropped the ball on this one! Most companies have a “personal appearance” policy that prohibits offensive body odor and poor personal hygiene! I know mine does. The offender should be spoken to by their boss and given time to correct this. I know it’s a touchy subject but you can’t have one person stinkin’ up the whole joint!
— Marcia 09/28/2010 Reply
I wish I could say I’m surprised to hear the story of the niece’s boyfriend. This kind of thing happens all the time. I would say it’s a matter of self-esteem on the niece’s part (no self-respecting woman would even date a man like that, much more live with one!) but seeing as her own mother treats the bum like a welcome member of the family, we know where she gets it. I’m sure the mother is trying to be nice providing the freeloader’s kids with a decent home but she’s setting a terrible example for her own daughter. As for Mr. B.O., I’d quit!
— Sarah, Pittsburgh 09/28/2010 Reply
Concerning Mr B.O., you can deal with this yourself if there is no other tension in the working relationship. Other points of tension or stress may invite him to entertain thoughts about your ulterior motives, etc. Anyway, don’t address it as a recurring or persistant issue, take it on as a on-off, first offense sort of offense no matter how many past occurances. Offer a built-in excuse when you introduce the subject if you can, no matter how lame, like being stuck in the subway for hour during the morning commute, or his hot water tank is out. Joke about it the second time if one occurs. With most people, there won’t be a third offense. Last, bring it up when the guy can escape, like quitting time, so the intervention is over quickly.
Sending it to H.R. will create an impression that he is a subject of gossip. He may wonder how long you have suffered in silence, which will be a source of tension if you have to work directly with him.
— Tom North Carolina 10/07/2010 Reply
If a manager is approached by a staff member regarding a co-worker’s BO, then the manager should contact the HR department. Then either HR can handle the issue or advise the manager how to handle it themselves. HR specialist are trained to handle these types of situations.
— smc - Pittsburgh 10/24/2010 Reply