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Her Shop Is Open But Her Friends Aren't Buying & She Spares Her Friends The "Fat" Truth
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
DEAR CAT: I opened a business about a year ago. In tough times I think a business owner should be able to count on their friends, and neighbors but nobody has stopped by to wish me well or see my shop. Iâve supported my friends through divorces, dying parents, house fires, children with colic, buying Girl Scout cookies, everything. Now, even after inviting them, not one has showed! My neighbors are just as bad, yet for 20 years Iâve helped senior citizens, looked after local kids, etc. I’m not looking for people to buy, just to welcome me. They only come when they want sponsorships of their kids’ teams or to say, âmy best friend’s cousin makes stuffed clowns and boy, theyâd look great in your shop.â What gives? I am angry and feel abandoned. Some people say it’s because of my race that the neighborhood doesnât support me. That may be true, but then what’s the excuse for my friends? Do I confront them, or my neighbors? —NO SUPPORT IN THE CITY
DEAR NO SUPPORT: A year is a shocking amount of time to pass without getting at least one visit from your friends. Perhaps theyâre just too wrapped up in their own lives to care. If so, theyâre really not your friends anymore. As for the neighbors, something is up if youâve lived there twenty years and nobody patronizes your shop. It could be about race but people with that brand of discrimination usually wonât let you watch their kids. You have every right to ask your friends where theyâve been all this time but unfortunately you canât do that with neighbors. Fair or not, people reserve the right to patronize whatever stores they want. A savvy local ad campaign could bring in fresh business and a fresh outlook. Plus, if your neighbors see your shop is attracting attentionâ¦.Catâs Call: Chances are theyâll finally try to cozy up to the owner.
DEAR CAT: If a good friend asks, âdoes this outfit make me look fat?â is it ever ok to say, âyes, in fact it does!â I know itâs sticky with a boyfriend-girlfriend situation but what about with friends? There are so many times I want to be honest but I spare my friends the truth in order to spare their feelings. If you donât mind sharingâ¦are your friends honest with you, and do you appreciate it or get mad? — TO TELL YOU THE TRUTHâ¦
DEAR TELL: Not only is it okay to be honest with your friends, itâs the best thing! The exceptions (i.e. when little white lies are useful) are: 1) when youâre not extremely close, and 2) when they adore something and desperately want to wear it. If your friends are super-sensitive about their weight, blatantly saying âyou look fatâ isnât constructive. Instead, recommend styles that flaunt assets and downplay less-than-perfect body zones. My friends and I tell each other what works and what doesnât and the honesty has saved us from countless unflattering ensembles. Friends shouldnât get mad at you for being honest. Catâs Call: They should get mad if you lie and let them walk out the door looking terrible.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
These questions this week demonstrate some classy issues, rather than the spoiled, insensitive, egocentric people who sought your advice last week (well, I shouldn’t dwell). Anyway, regarding No Support: I feel bad for you because your friends and neighbors haven’t stepped up to the plate (or even visited you) yet. I don’t know your friends or neighbors, so I can’t comment on what their problems might be, but I think you probably need to confront them with your feelings on the subject; in a nice way. Just let them know that you’re very proud of the business you’ve built, and that you’re a little bit disappointed that they haven’t visited your shop yet. Do it one at a time or all at once with a invitation to an open house or something. I think it’s the best way for you to figure out the answers to your questions. As for Tell: I think Cat hit the nail on the head: little white lies are sometimes okay to spare feelings. And sometimes, so it trickery. Maybe you should ask your good friend, who sometimes looks a little fat, out for long walks every once in awhile (suggest it is for your own health); then, maybe those outfits will fit a little bit better.
— Carm in Pittsburgh 09/07/2010 Reply
It’s a shame that this is happening. Although the economy is bad, ask yourself this. Are your neighbors patronizing other businesses in the area? If so, you have a real problem.
— Michael Pittsburgh 09/07/2010 Reply
The key to telling the truth here is that it must come with a compliment. âIt makes you look fat, but you arenât really so what do you need it for.â The first letter today didnât say what kind of business. I cannot help wondering if that matters, regarding the neighbors. âCome to my storeâ often means âinstead of the place you have been going for years.â
— I.P. (Jerusalem) 09/07/2010 Reply
That was a very insightful response from you to the person who opened up a business and no one came (at least no one whom she labeled a friend or relative). I have had many business ventures and can accurately attest to the quote Jesus gave when He was not able to perform any miracles in His home town. he said “a profit is not without honor except in his own home and his own country.” People there knew Jesus when he played marbles with their little sons when they were kids. They knew Jesus when he was a little tike in his dad’s carpenter’s shop. They knew Jesus basically when he was a snotnosed little kid. So of course he couldn’t be anyone special. So tell her that she is in pretty good company. There is something about human nature that the people closest to us may like us but don’t value us the way we deserve. I have found it so much easier doing business with strangers than people I know. Strangers ask me about my services and want to see examples. Friends never ask to see my work but only ask me how much I charge. The things she did for her friends and relatives doesn’t fall into the same category as business and especially if it is something you are new to. It is a rare person who encourages a friend to change. She just needs to make new friends through her business and to place her energies on her business and not on the disappointment of those she knows.
— Entrepreneur Ernie 09/07/2010 Reply
Really?? I can’t believe there are girlfriends who don’t tell each other “you look fat” when they DO look fat. If my friend put something on and her ass looked like an elephant’s behind, I’d tell her! The problem is with very sensitive people is they make you feel like you have to lie and then they never get any real honesty. It’s a bad circle, because they know you’re just being nice and lying, yet they get mad at you if you say something that can help them look better. Argh it’s annoying!
About the business question, she should never support the neighbors and friends’ kids teams EVER. When they come in asking for her support she should tell them she’d love to help out but it’s been a very tough year and she’s very sorry. What terrible friends who have never come to their friend’s shop? I’d be so embarrassed. I feel bad for her.
— Carrie in Pittsburgh 09/07/2010 Reply
Does this make me look fat?
The answer can be evasive and persuasive at the same time.
How about: I love the color of this outfit on you (true), but the way your blue dress looks on you is amazing. Your blue dress really makes you look like a model.
or … you look amazing in sweaters. I’m not as much a fan of jackets (if the current “fat outfit” has a jacket).
— not really fat 09/07/2010 Reply
I can only think of mean things to say today, but I think that if you have to ask if it makes you look fat, then yes, it does make you look fat.
And you probably already know the answer.
It’s the same as when someone says, “It wasn’t that bad.” It also means, “It wasn’t that good, either.”
About the woman with the business, time to dump the old friends and look for some new ones. Don’t let personal business intrude on your real business. Stay focused and make it a success. Best of luck to you.
— Mike, Downtown 09/07/2010 Reply
I attended a clothing swap where people were encouraged to try outfits outside their comfort zones. The organizer encouraged us to use the phrase “It doesn’t do you justice” when a piece of clothing wasn’t flattering. I love it. Because really, it’s not about whether you are fat or not – for every body, there’s clothing that works and clothing that doesn’t.
— ErinK, Pittsburgh 09/08/2010 Reply
Thanks to Cat and everyone for their comments. I’ve done everything from giveaways, parties, ads, you name it. I have had open houses. The people from the neighborhood come to eat and drink, but never return. I have been a kind, friendly open and approachable person (that is who I am at my business or outside of my business). I am making new friends. My friends, or should I say, “so called friends” are a true disappointment. Many have asked me to support their husbands’ contracting businesses when I needed work on my house done. Not to mention Avon, Mary Kay, Party-lite and everything else under the sun they have done as a sideline business. No, I am not asking my friends to neighbors to stop shopping where they normally do (it’s not an unusual concept, big businesses do it everyday). But what is wrong with sharing the wealth? What is wrong with shopping local? Why drive miles away when it is sold right in your own neighborhood. Neighbors said that they wanted this, but do not support it. I have something for everyone’s budget. Problem is, people DO support the other businesses. As for my neighborhood, I think that it is time to find a new neighborhood. Hopefully my race won’t be such an issue. Unfortunately in the town that I live in, it will continue to be a challenge.
— No Support In The City 09/08/2010 Reply
To No Support – they are not friends and have obviously taken advantage of your good nature. If they were friends, they would show up at least one time and buy something, even if they didn’t need it. On the other hand, they probably wouldn’t become regular patrons if they don’t like your merchandise that much. You need to build your business with a different set of customers.
I don’t see any point to saying anything to them, but if they want you to sponsor kids’ teams or whatever, tell them that business isn’t good enough and you can’t afford it. Maybe they’ll get the hint.
I don’t see that race has anything to do with it, unless your shop is in a neighborhood where they feel uncomfortable.
.
— PB from NY 09/11/2010 Reply