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Mr. Heartbreaker Loves Ms. Brokenhearted
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
DEAR CAT: I have been seeing a woman for three months. Everything is perfect so far, but neither of us has been in a serious relationship in the past four to five years. She was hurt by a few men, and I was usually breaking hearts (I was too immature, allowing people to give me their hearts when all I did was hurt them). Now I’m looking for love, although she is afraid to get into a serious relationship because of her past experiences. She is very slowly “letting me in.” This woman completely blows me away and I cannot stop thinking about her. I see her for dinner every week and we often walk each other to work in the morning. My question: Do you think it is too early to know that she is the one I want to be with? I have never felt this way about a woman, but I believe part of it is that I am now comfortable with myself and I am now freely able to give myself to another person. I am willing to just let go and see what happens, but she is very hesitant. Your call? — IN LOVE
DEAR IN LOVE: It’s probably not too early for you but it might be too early for her. Your past saw you breaking hearts; her past saw her heart broken time and again. Of course she’s hesitant, so it’s best to let her open up to you. No prying, pushing, lying, rushing or over-the-top gestures. Trust is the single most important element of good relationships, and building it takes time. If you already think (or know!) she’s the one for you, kick back and savor every minute of this early stage of getting to know each other. She already blows you away…Cat’s Call: If she can trust you, that’ll blow her away.
DEAR CAT: I have been seeing this guy for about two years on and off. He recently went on active duty to the National Guard and will be gone for a year. Since he left, he got really mad because I’ve gone out with my friends a few times to the bar my sister owns. He says he doesn’t want me around drunk guys. I think I would understand more if this only happened after he left, but he was jealous when he was here, too. I know he really loves me (as I do him) but don’t want to feel like I’m being controlled. Is his concern valid? What should I do? — NATIONAL GUARDED
DEAR N.G.: It doesn’t matter if he’s overseas or down the street, he has no right to tell you where — or with whom — you are allowed to socialize. Sure, he doesn’t want his beloved constantly in the company of many drunks (for safety reasons, if nothing else) but that’s still your choice, not his. I assume you’ve given him no reason to distrust you, and you’re merely hanging out with friends at your sister’s bar. Getting “really mad” at you is not only insulting but also destructive to a relationship already burdened by distance. Talk to him calmly but pointedly ASAP! Love doesn’t guarantee a healthy relationship, and yours is hard enough under the current circumstances…Cat’s Call: Allowing fierce jealousy will only make it worse.
Word of warning to National Guarded, if he gets âreally angryâ because you go out with your friends, he does not really love you. He is trying to control you which is one of the first signs of a potential abuser. You mention that you have been seeing him on and off for about two years. Why has it not been steady? Take a close look at your relationship with him. Has he done things in the past that didnât seem right, or made you uncomfortable? If so, listen to your instincts. Odds are, his behavior will only get worse.
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Because itâs Veteranâs Day and Iâm a veteran of three wars (Vietnam, Beirut and Desert Storm), Iâll respond to your National Guarded writer in todayâs P-G. The servicemen off to war are afraid of Jody at home. Heâs the reason for the Dear John letters. And when you come back from a yearâs deployment overseas and find your wife/girl with a new one-month old baby in the crib, and a pair of size 9 shoes under your bed when you wear a size 10, Jodyâs been there. When you go to the bank and find all the money you sent home is spent, Jodyâs been there. When you come back and thereâs an extra 12,000 miles on your truck, Jodyâs been there. Jane Fonda won an Academy Award as the lonely wife and Jon Voight was the Jody in âComing Homeâ. I could go on because Iâve been on the deployed SAPâs side (sorry-assed private) in my three wars. So has your fellow columnist Corporal Reg Henry, ask him. The Marines have songs we sing while running with cadence called âJodysâ. But this war, Iâm going to be the Jody. So donât harsh my fun and set me up with her. As Jody says, âif the poor dumb SAP wonât take care of his woman, I will.â
— Jody 12/06/2008 Reply
Hey Cat, First time writer here. I was in the Army and Iâve known a lot of guys like National Guarded. Theyâre afraid their girls will cheat on them while theyâre gone. I understand that but that jealousy is exerting manliness in the caveman way. Weâre talking about her sisterâs bar where she probably knows 99% of the people who go there. She said theyâve been together âon and offâ and that makes me question if the relationship is stable to begin with. Sheâd probably feel too guilty to end it while heâs away but itâs what she should do. Jealousy in little bits is understandable but if it causes fights theyâre going to break up eventually.
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Dear Cat: Iâve just read your reply to National Guarded, whose long-distance boyfriend has issues with her socializing with her friends at her sisterâs bar, I have two words for her â WATCH OUT!! Over twenty years ago, I was involved with a man who seemed to be everything I wanted. He was hard-working, a good dresser, a great dancer & reasonably intelligent. Eventually, we began cohabiting and thatâs when his true colors surfaced. He turned out to be controlling, insecure, jealous, and threatening. He felt that the only time I could go out socially was with him and his family. This person tried (though unsuccessfully) to alienate me from my family & long-time friends. I reminded him that my family & friends were in my life long before I knew him & that they will be in my life long after he is a distant memory for meâ¦then I packed whatever I could take with me at the time & LEFT!!! Take my advice, sweetie. No matter what you do or say, this guy is never going to believe that you are âfaithfulâ. Get away & stay away from this immature pup. Good luck.
— Signed⦠Knows What Iâm Talking About 12/06/2008 Reply
I swear the first question today could have been written about me. I donât know how to get one woman in particular to believe that my intentions are 100% gentlemanly and pure. Makes me want to beat the hell out of her old boyfriends. Youâre right about not pushing or trying to bowl her over but what did you mean about not lying? What would I/that guy lie about? Do you mean donât try to convince her that Iâm perfect? I guess that makes sense or like donât try to make her think Iâm interested in everything she likes even if Iâm not? Iâve been trying for months, how are long are you supposed to wait for a woman to âlet you inâ? Can you do a sequel question and answer that because Iâm not done trying but Iâm not supposed to wait forever right?
— anonymous 12/06/2008 Reply
Maybe Mr. Heartbreaker isn’t being ‘let in’ not because she’s an untrusting woman but because he’s not trustworthy. He says he’s ready for love in his life but he has no pattern of staying in relationships. We can assume they’ve talked a lot about their pasts and if she is hesitant, she probably has good reason to be.
— James, Pgh PA 12/08/2008 Reply