Columns
Getting The Run Around...Via Text & A Date Suggests 'Home Improvement'
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
DEAR CAT: Iâve been seeing a great girl who has three kids and has been through an abusive relationship. We took things slow for almost two months; texting sweet words and date plans, but rarely speaking on the phone. She made me so happy and I got along great with her kids. Yet now itâs been a month since I last saw her. She said she had some issues involving her kids and ex-husband and that she didn’t have time for me, which I understood. However, Iâve called her just to say hello and she never called back. She would text me and say things like “we’ll talk soon, I’m just so busy.” Over the holidays she texted, “we should start this over, I miss you,” which I took as a great sign. But stillâ¦no phone call. She continues to text me about random unimportant things but never that she wants to see me. How am I to understand this? I’ve emailed and called to question her in a nice way, and all she has said is that she meant everything she said to me. Is she keeping me around for a rainy day or could she still be interested? There’s something about her that makes me not want to give up, but most of the signs say she playing me for a fool. — SO CONFUSED
DEAR SO: It doesnât sound like sheâs intentionally playing you, it sounds more like the abusive ex is back in the picture. Erratic communication is a bad sign. Not calling you back or talking to you for long periods is a bad sign; it says you are not among her priorities. She probably meant all the sweet things but itâs mean and immature to virtually ignore you, especially when youâve been kind enough to give her time and space to deal with her ex. Youâre not a fool for hoping, butâ¦Catâs Call: You might be one if you donât read her behavior as a major red flag.
DEAR CAT: I am 46 years old and I have been dating a nice man for a few weeks. Recently he came to my house for the first time and we were talking after a very nice evening. Somehow we touched on the topic of housework and he said, âyou should get a cleaning lady.â I wasnât sure how to take that suggestion so I asked, âdoes it look like I need one?â He said, âno, but look at this place, some help wouldnât hurt.â I think he was referring to the large size of my home but Iâm not certain and I have felt insulted, as though I keep a dirty home. How would you suggest I take his remark? â MRS. CLEAN
DEAR MRS: He would have to be a complete idiot to blatantly suggest your house is a den of filth. My hunch is that your hunch is right â that he was merely suggesting cleaning help to ease the burden of maintaining a large space by yourself. Moreover, since you have a large home he probably assumes you can afford the help (whether or not itâs true). Catâs Call: Unless he makes similar comments again, ignore it and enjoy the now!
You’re probably right that the guy didn’t mean to offend her but it might be worth something for her to mention his comment the next time they talk. It’s not wise to let something simmer like that.
— anonymous in Pgh 02/24/2009 Reply
It’s a good rule of thumb to never comment on the state of someone’s house unless it’s a huge compliment. I think she SHOULD mention it to him to clear the air. About the woman who texts but doesn’t call the guy: dump her. He should text her: “I have been a gentleman to you. Call me so we can end this like adults.” That’s my call.
— BenT. (Chicago) 02/24/2009 Reply
Text messages are great but they should not ever be considered a substitute for real conversation. Just like playing good Wii golf doesn’t make you Tiger Woods, texting sweet words doesn’t mean you’re giving anything to that person in real life. I feel bad for this guy (it’s not like every guy would jump at the chance to hop into a relationship with a formerly abused divorced woman with three kids). Sorry but it’s true.
— SamIAm 02/24/2009 Reply
I agree with SamIAm that this guy sounds like a good guy but he’s gotta know there will be trouble if the relationship goes any further. She let him get close to her kids and then blew him off. That’s detrimental to the kids. I guess I believe she was “abused” but we don’t know how, and it doesn’t give her the right to treat this guy like crap.
— Pgh reader 02/24/2009 Reply
There is nothing ruder than suggesting to your date that they should “get a cleaning lady.” I see your point, Cat, but even if he assumes she can afford one, how rude is that?? What she can or can’t afford is not his business. I don’t think there’s any way around his comment/suggestion as 100% insulting.
— DTL downtown 02/24/2009 Reply
Cat,
Your column today (specifically the question about the guy getting the run around) reminded me of the Huffington Post article you wrote about breaking up. This will sound ass-kissy but I think it’s one of the best things I ever read about the subject and I swear it changed the way I “handle” casual relationships. One of the points was about not disappearing but actually ending something even if you think it’s too “casual” to need an ending. It was very mature and sensitive and showed a lot of heart – highly recommended reading for the text-crazy woman (and blown-off guy) in today’s column. Excellent work.
— David in San Diego 02/24/2009 Reply
If some guy said I should get a maid, I’d sweep him right out my front door.
— Pam (Erie, PA) 02/24/2009 Reply
Thanks, “David in San Diego.” I’m glad you enjoyed the article :)
— Cat 02/24/2009 www.catscall.com Reply
My call: When people don’t respond, they’re rude. He texted her, called her, emailed her. He probably convinced himself that her “abusive” background is to blame for her lack of response. It’s called rudeness, not baggage. I understand he’s writing to you for hope and I’m glad you didn’t give him any that’s “false.”
— MMANT Pittsburgh 02/24/2009 Reply
I think it’s a good sign that he suggests she get a cleaning lady to help with the large house. That means that if the relationship goes further he won’t be a cheapskate, and that he doesn’t think it’s her “job” to do the cleaning and other domestic tasks! I’d take it as positive all the way around!
— NN, New Jersey 02/24/2009 Reply
As far as the texter goes. Cat was right on about the communication. if it doesn’t seem consistent, then there is something going on. text communication hides a lot of things. I’ve had a similar situation in the past and I made a rule for myself: Persistent, prolonged, inconsistent communication gets cut off the second it makes me question how to respond. And By ‘cut off’ I mean NO responding. Until the I get a few voicemails or an offer to meet up. It’s unfortunate. I’ve had to move on from a lot of cool girls, but you know how it is: there is always another one right around the corner.
The Cleaning thing…yeah…ouch. So the guy has no tact, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Or maybe he was just being ironic and sucks at sarcasm. We guys are very literal and sometimes we just say things out loud. I’m sure Mrs Clean’s home is immaculate, but maybe he was saying it for another reason. Maybe he thought Mrs. Clean was overall a bit stressed, and he thought taking one thing off of her mind (like housecleaning) would help. Maybe prior to this guys comment, Mrs. Clean made a comment about how hard it is to keep a clean house (and it is hard, but totally worth it). I would guess with Cat that it had nothing to do with Mrs Clean’s home and maybe more with Mrs. Clean’s income and or stress level.
— I am right here 02/24/2009 Reply
MRS. CLEAN: Maybe he just thinks getting a cleaning person is a smart thing to do. It’s something that’s always nagging me to try out as well, and the people who hire help once a week or every other week seem to like it. This is a classic case of a guy saying stuff without taking a moment to consider the subtext. You women are better at that, generally.
SO CONFUSED: For a second I was like, “Maybe she just doesn’t much like using the phone”, but I read Cat’s answer and I agree: it’s a bad sign if you’re emotionally invested in the relationship.
— Bram R 02/26/2009 Reply
I don’t see anything wrong with him suggesting that she get a cleaning service. I think people here touched on the all important difference between how benign his comment was and how badly it was received. She said they were talking about house maintenance so he can only speak from his own situation and he DOES have a cleaning lady. If I was in the biggest most beautiful house in the world and the owner said they take care of it without any help, I would suggest the same thing. Life’s too short to spend pushing a mop around if you don’t have to.
— miamipgh 02/27/2009 Reply
Text messages should be a preliminary means of contact and nothing more. Yeah we’ve all had text ‘conversations’ where you go back and forth but one person has to follow up with a call. Well he did call and she didn’t call back and there’s his answer. The next time she texts him he should text back: call me. If she doesn’t (right then, not days or weeks later) then he shouldn’t respond to her again.
— Tired of Texts nyc 02/27/2009 Reply
My Call for Both: Cat’s Call was right. She shouldn’t assume the comment was an insult. No point in dwelling on it. That being said, he should have thought before speaking, as it was at the very least poorly worded. And as for the first letter, I know girls who do the same thing to me. Consider this my wakeup call. It isn’t going to go anywhere. Don’t waste your time, brother. Plenty of fish in the sea. :) P.S. I LOVE your article Cat!
— Anonymous, "Sixburgh" 03/02/2009 Reply