Columns
Misunderstood MBA & A 'Cheap' Shot
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
DEAR CAT: I’m 27 and have worked for my family’s businesses all of my life, currently as a controller. I own my home, car, I pay my own bills and I live comfortably. I also have a bachelor’s degree and an MBA. I’ve had problems dating women because they feel I am a deadbeat; incompetent, lazy and spoiled, that Iâve never worked for anything, and have had everything handed to me – which is not the case. I have never really found anybody with whom I had some common ground in terms of my background. I am funny, sincere, confident, good looking, intelligent, and not cocky or spoiled as people assume. Why do women feel that if you work for a family-owned business you are lazy, lack direction and can’t make it in the real world? — HARD WORKER
DEAR H.W.: I donât know any women who feel that way, which makes me wonder why every woman you date views you as lazy, spoiled or incompetent. They are obviously referring to (and perhaps resentful of) the safety net of having a business to âwalk into.â But that doesnât mean you did walk into it, or that youâre lazy; some people work hardest in a family-owned business. If every woman has the same impression (that youâre a spoiled money sponge) you must appear notably ignorant of the rigors and realities of working for those who arenât related to you. In terms of finding common ground and/or a great relationship, that can be the toughest work of all. Catâs Call: Welcome to the âreal worldâ of dating.
DEAR CAT: I am a 36 year old single, clean cut (almost preppy) gay man. Recently I had a date with a nice guy Iâve known for a few years. He drove 45 minutes to my neighborhood and I treated him to drinks and dessert. Later we went back to my place and had sex. When we were talking afterward, he noticed I had holes in my socks and he asked me if I was cheap. I laughed and said, “Do I look cheap?” He then seemed to backpedal and said, âwhat I mean is, in some ways you have expensive taste and in other ways you don’t care so much, like with buying new socks.â His comment really bothered me. Calling someone cheap after you have sex with them is really rude and inconsiderate regardless of how they meant it. It would be just as rude to ask a woman, “are you a slut” after you just have sex with them. I am insulted by the implication of his question, but also wondering if I’m I overreacting. Is this a good reason not to see him again? — A HOLEY END TO A DATE
DEAR HOLEY: Yes, youâre overreacting. No, one shouldnât generally suggest youâre cheap after you pay for a date (and go to bed), but Iâm sure there was no larger meaning behind his question. Post-sex conversation can be awkward, and seeing your toes poking through your socks is kind of funny and cute. Youâve already known him a few years and consider him a nice person. Catâs Call: If youâd like to know him a few more, let this go.
Hey Cat,
What’s this guy complaining about? He’s lucky the guy didn’t just get up and leave, as most casual encounters happen.
— Dman Pgh 03/03/2009 Reply
I think the gay guy is telling us more about himself than the guy he slept with. HE feels insulted by a little question about his socks but seems not to feel any real caring about the other man. Perhaps this is why they are “casual” years after meeting.
— Marie T. in Cleveland, OH 03/03/2009 Reply
Dear Cat,
You don’t have anything better to put in your column, than queers having sex? Repulsive
— DCLARK 03/03/2009 Reply
I think you called it right that the guy is most likely “notably ignorant of the rigors and realities of working for those who arenât related to you.” Well put. I know guys like this (women too) and their understanding of the “real world” IS limited, probably enough that he doesn’t know how he comes across. My roommate and I read this column together and we both said the same thing right after. He is cocky and won’t be interested in dating a woman who is not from the same “privileged” background.
— Samantha K. (PA) 03/03/2009 Reply
As a professional gay man who respects every race, religion and sexual orientation, I find the comment from DCLARK both offensive and repulsive. Now on to the topic…I think HOLEY needs to lighten up. I don’t think the guy meant anything about the sock comment. But now that you mention it, why does he wear socks with holes in them? Especially when going on a date?? I typically try to put my best “foot” forward.
— Tom T., Pittsburgh 03/03/2009 Reply
I agree completely with Tom T. “Holey” bad manners is what I say to anyone (man or woman, gay or straight) with the laziness and lack of proper style sense to go on a date that will inevitably end in bed while wearing old disgusting “holey” socks.
— MRM Cleveland 03/03/2009 Reply
At first I wanted to comment/ask why you chose to post the comment from DCLARK but I read your column regularly and enjoy it, and feel strongly that you do not choose shock value over material that is helpful or informative. I think now that comments like that one show us that some people will only see what they are “programmed” to see and there is a valuable lesson to learn from his comment. His use of the word “queers” is not the clue. It is the use of the word “repulsive” that caught my attention. I feel sorry for him.
— MRM in Pittsburgh 03/03/2009 Reply
This is my first time ‘commenting’ on the internet. I feel very strongly about telling Mr. Holey that people should dress as they wish to be viewed. I enjoy reading these comments from others and I understand there are people who may only see the homosexual component of the question but it is not relevant. If you place no emphasis on your appearance people will notice it! Thank you for encouraging readers to comment, this is fun!
— Sandra, White Oak 03/03/2009 Reply
My two calls: MBA guy wants to be viewed as a regular guy but class (as in social level not manners) is real whether we like it or not. He says “family businesses” as in more than one business and that’s not like a corner store. Go to MBA alum parties and find a girl there. Holey Date has to to man up and dress like a champ. He dressed for a quickie and got it. If he’s too sensitive to handle a reasonable and most likely joke question then he’s too sensitive to handle a “casual” relationship. Good calls today.
— Tom nyc 03/03/2009 Reply
I’m sorry I can’t feel sorry for a guy who has family money supporting him. He wants pity for not being able to find a compatible woman with a similar background? No tears for the silver-spooned. That’s my call.
— Good Old US of A 03/03/2009 Reply
I know exactly how that guy feels. I come from “money” and I work my a** off every day. I work so much harder than everyone I know — they all complain about the smallest things and resent it if they’re not in charge. I have put up with terrible jobs and not even being able to find a job but as soon as people know you have money they write you off as not understanding the real world. Hey the real world includes tons of money. And sometimes when you’re raised with it you appreciate every cent because you know how hard it was for your family to earn it in the first place.
— cutegirl, MN 03/03/2009 Reply
Good point “Cutegirl”. And another thing…sometimes people think you have money and you really don’t. My grandparents were quite wealthy but they didn’t pass the $$ down the line. So my sisters and I (I am the oldest son) were always assumed to be rich but we weren’t AT ALL. Ok MBA guy maybe had the “luxury” of having a job in his family business but he could be the cornerstone of that business and never get credit for it. I do think Cat makes a good point about it being strange that EVERY woman sees him as lazy, which means he probably is, or just looks like it, but that’s about appearances and we’re talking about the dangers of assuming things from someone’s “appearance.”
— anonymous Pgh, PA 03/03/2009 Reply
Didn’t Holey realize that the date was going to end in bed? That just shows a lack of effort. I had an experience where I ended up over a girl’s place. We had been dating and she knew I was coming over. She did not have toilet or tissues in her place. We never went out again. Holey go out and buy yourself some new socks.
— Seth from Bethesda 03/03/2009 Reply
Cat, This is to DCLARK’s response. The question wasn’t about being ‘queer’, it was about the awkwardness that sometimes follows casual sex…gay or straight.
— Leila 03/03/2009 Reply
MBA,
Why not try spending a little time getting to know the girl, finding out a little about her interests and personality, rather than detailing your employment and education?
Why the need to treat a date like an interview? Stop making excuses for a low self-esteem.
A truly humble and confident man doesnât need to review their resume with friends/dates.
— Deb in CA 03/04/2009 Reply
Ok, for the whole holey socks situation -I would be embarrassed if this happened to me. I mean, the guy bought dessert and dinner and shared something very intimate with another person. To be disrespected and belittled in this way is offensive to me. If a man said this to a woman, I think everyone would be more upset.
Loved Cat’s comment about the toes poking through the socks -that helped me to lighten up a bit too. I’m just more old fashioned -the whole going to bed thing after a casual date seems to be what is the most cheap thing about the whole night.
— Debbie, Pittsburgh, PA 04/06/2009 Reply