Columns
Small Office, Big Fights & Love One Day, Indifference The Next
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
DEAR CAT: There are three people in my tiny, open office: my boss, a secretary and myself. The problem: my boss and the secretary fight constantly. The boss is impatient and rude, the secretary is needy and old-fashioned, and theyâve both been here for 20+ years. The tiffs arise from simple annoyances (like the boss forgetting to say good morning) then balloon into full-blown arguments with yelling and accusations. It’s downright unprofessional (and childish) and uncomfortable to sit through! I graduated in December with my Master’s and I had to take this job for lack of other reasonable offers. My logical side says wait it out but my head is throbbing from the constant arguing. They’ve worked together for years so itâs unlikely either of them will change. Suggestions, please! — AN UNCOMFORTABLE STATE OF AFFAIRS
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: First, congrats on your Masterâs! Second, youâre not alone; a lot of first job offers out of grad school offer under-poverty-level pay. Third, I think your boss and the secretary are having an affair. Aside from that, lifeâs too short to spend your days listening to them and even if they could change itâs not your place to request it. Tough it out as long as you can while applying to other jobs like crazy. Send out resumes every day, both online and hard copies. If youâre willing to relocate, keep your job search broad in terms of area. Youâll move on soon enough, and until thenâ¦Catâs Call: Focus on the work, not the workers, and youâll find something valuable in this experience.
DEAR CAT: About three months ago, a girl whom Iâve known almost all of my life expressed interest in starting a relationship with me. I had never thought of her in this way and I had some skepticism but I decided to give it a try. About a month later she told me that she only had âfriendshipâ feelings for me, and thatâs all she wants this to be. But I have fallen head over heels for her and I donât want to just be friends. I keep trying to convince her that we would make a wonderful pair, and she should give it another try, to no avail. I donât understand how one day she says she loves me and the next day she just wants to be friends. I am laying low, hoping she changes her mind. Could she someday feel the way she felt before? Can I do anything to convince her or should I just move on?
— CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT LOVE REALLY IS
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes she said it, but that doesnât mean she actually felt it. I know itâs hard to hear butâ¦she probably didnât love you, not in a romantic way. Sounds like she long wondered about being together, then she realized the spark wasnât there. Unfortunately you cannot convince someone to fall in love with you, and the âwonderful pairâ you envision is two people who are crazy about each other but thatâs not the case here. Catâs Call: Do try to move on so youâll be free when the right person shows up!
My wife is practically in the same situation as the first question. She went back to school after our second child and for the past year she’s been dealing with a small office of 8 people who backbite each other and complain all the time. She’s very professional and doesn’t deserve to be in that type of place but jobs are hard to come by in our town and we don’t want to move with young children. Your advice is sound, I agree it’s best to try to find the positive side of things and learn something if you can.
— John D. USA 03/17/2009 Reply
Reading this letter, my thoughts of an affair were the first to come to mind. I went through a similar situation. It is not easy and at times completely intolerable. No matter what you say, they will band together against you. Cat is correct, lay low and apply, apply, apply!
As to the second letter, I really feel for you but you would do yourself and a truly wonderful woman an injustice is you keep waiting for this one to come around. She won’t and you really need to back away. It’s up to you if you even keep the friendship at this point. Don’t put you life on hold for her. Life is too short.
— Katie O, Pgh., PA 03/17/2009 Reply
Cat you might get knocked for saying she didn’t love him but he has to hear it. I don’t sense that he definitely loves her either. It’s more like all of a sudden a relationship was offered and he took it, then he says “isn’t this great, now I can have sex with my friend.” Yeah the rejection hurts but the relationship was short, you’ll get over it.
— uptooearlyincalifornia 03/17/2009 Reply
I’m surprised the boss wants anyone to see them fight like that. I would have too much pride to act like that in front of a new employee or anyone for that matter. Where are the good old days when offices had “unspoken” rules of behavior. Now there are a thousand HR violations you can list but it seems that workers’ behavior has gotten worse than ever. They should be embarrassed to behave like that in front of a new hire.
— JJP, PGH 03/17/2009 Reply
I understand Uncomfortable’s problem but is it really all that unusual to hate your coworkers? Our dept head swears all day long. The administrative assts are slow and grumpy and assume they “deserve better” just because they’ve worked here forever. A Masters degree doesn’t guarantee you a great place to work, maybe higher pay but not always. If you just got your masters this winter you probably don’t have much experience. If you hate your job, follow Cat’s advice and look for another one. But don’t just complain, be glad you have a job at all in this economy.
— Pittsburgh PA 03/17/2009 Reply
Interesting how “Confused About Love” never saw her as a romantic option even after all those years. Then she suggests getting together and he says ok. Then she decides it’s not what she thought it would be and he’s all attached and broken up. Now he’s wondering if she’ll change her mind but she had tons of time before the relationship to get to know him. His waiting around won’t convince her of anything she hasn’t seen yet.
— Jim Cleveland OH 03/17/2009 Reply
My call for AN UNCOMFORTABLE STATE OF AFFAIRS…invest in an iPod to tune them out!
— Pgh, PA 03/18/2009 Reply
I think Jim from Cleveland made an excellent point. The girl already knew him before they got together. Mr. Confused says he never thought of her that way before but that’s probably why she liked him and after she ‘had’ him the conquest was over. I am confused as to why he never considered her before that time. My mom says sometimes the right one is right under your nose and you don’t know it.
— Ivy SC 03/28/2009 Reply
I knew a guy for a long time, and recently when we became friends and started hanging out together as friends I finally told him I loved him as friend, but I should have only told him I cared about him as a friend because I know I confused him. During all the years I knew him, he never even suggested hanging out as friends until after I got married, and then when I told my former friend that I loved him as a friend—suddenly my friendship was not enough for him, and now he no longer wants to be friends with me any more at all. I am so very sad that we could not have stayed friends. Why did he tell me he was my friend, and then he told me he could not be friends with me anymore? I still care about my former friend, and I don’t think I can ever trust a guy again. Why can’t guys be friends with women? Why does it sometimes have to be “all or nothing at all” for guys?
— Forbidden-Fruit Friend 05/12/2009 Reply