Columns
'Splitting' With Your Ex & Neighborly Concerns
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
DEAR CAT: Last December my ex-boyfriend and I booked a vacation for this April.
The trip is non-refundable (of course!). However, we broke up in January and
weâve been trying to figure out who should take the trip. Weâre both seeing new people and neither of us wants to âbuy outâ the other. Should we just forfeit the money, or should one of us cave in? â NEED A 3RD OPINION
DEAR NEED: Years ago a roommate and I spent $300 on a television. When we moved and went our separate ways, one of us bought out the other. Alas, I overpaid at the time, but I had that tv for years, during a time when I couldnât have afforded a new one. If we hadnât cut that deal the money would have been wasted and I would have missed E.R. and the O.J. trial. Just think what you could miss if you continue acting like a petulant child. You can get out of town, explore a new place, sleep in and maybe take your new relationship further! Do you really want to squander a pre-paid vacation in a bad economy? Get over your spite and take the trip⦠Catâs Call: You canât know when youâll be able to take another one.
DEAR CAT: Five years ago a young couple bought the house next to mine. Since then they have neglected the property and turned a once beautiful Cape Cod into an eyesore. We share a driveway so it’s easy to notice peeling vinyl siding or a boarded-up window. It’s rare to see a lawn mower or hedge trimmers being used. In the winter they drive right over fresh snow and pack it down instead of helping to clear the right-of-way. I checked with local officials but unfortunately none of this is considered a violation and I was told that not everyone ‘lives the same’ and they just don’t cut the grass as often as we would like. With that, I’m looking for your opinion. Everyone in my neighborhood takes pride in their homes. I think I speak for all of them when I say that we’d really like to keep it that way. What’s the best way to express our concern to our neighbors about their home’s lack of curb appeal? I don’t think talking to the young couple directly would do any good. I don’t want to see one bad apple bring our property values down! — RESPONSIBLE HOMEOWNER
DEAR RESPONSIBLE: Peeling siding, unkempt grass – itâs all unsightly, depressing and bad for business, but the local official is right that you canât dictate how meticulously someone should keep their home (though unfixed broken windows might violate property maintenance codes, so investigate that further). It is absolutely inappropriate to express concern directly to the couple; they are not obligated to maintain whatever standard you and the other neighbors have set. Until you move to a gated or condo-like community where standards are set, youâre stuck with the eyesore. My big question: You share a driveway but youâve never discussed its maintenance with them? Catâs Call: That would have been #1 on my to-do list five years ago.
I’m sorry but I’m sick of people acting like “curb appeal police.” We bought our house 7 seven years ago and we love it, but we haven’t had the money to make the big changes we always wanted to. I agree that a boarded up window looks really bad but siding?? Who does this guy think he is?
— Tammy in PGH, PA 03/24/2009 Reply
I couldn’t agree more with your call about the ex and the vacation. Even if they do know they’ll have the money to take another vacation you have to be nuts to pass one up and let it go to waste.
— pittsburgh boy 03/24/2009 Reply
Sorry, don’t agree about the neighbor. When you buy a home you have an unspoken responsibility to your neighbors to keep that home up. Property is a financial investment, if owners don’t keep standards up, everyone around them pays for it in lower sales later.
— j.k. 03/24/2009 Reply
My sister and my son both live in a regular suburban neighborhood â Buffalo Grove Illinois â and they have very strict lawn-mowing and other upkeep rules. You arenât even allowed to park on the street overnight, unless you let the local police know in advance. Not gated, not condo. Some would call it intrusive and I am not saying one way or the other, but it can be done, if the town wills it.
— I.P. Jerusalem 03/24/2009 Reply
I 75% agree with j.k. about the investment aspect of home ownership and “unspoken responsibility.” The investment of a home is personal not communal. I agree it is neighborly to keep up your property but nobody is going to tell me how to maintain my home until they pay the mortgage.
— Tom, Lawrencevile 03/24/2009 Reply
I am concerned about “sharing” a drive way, one of the two parties most likely owns it and, there may be an understanding that the other uses it. I would have a survey done to determine who really owns the driveway. If the “disorderly” neighbor I think you can the neighbor should have a frank talk about maintenance and snow removal and come to an agreement that you both can live with or suck it up and get your own driveway. If the “orderly” neighbor owns the driveway I would suggest a frank and polite conversation and then perhaps put up a fence, good fences make good neighbors. If the “orderly” neighbor does in fact own the driveway and want to “take it back” because it has been used by both parties for so long you should consult with an attorney to see if your town has any regulations that may pertain to your situation where land is used commonly and that gentleman’s agreement is going to be rescinded, so again I stress see an attorney after you have the survey done to determine who owns the driveway.
The boarded up window may be a health code or other city ordinance violation and I would look into that further. And well for the grass, there is not much you can do unless there is an ordinance for that as well, but again a good fence and all.
And well a gated or condo community is not necessarily the answer to these problems. I live in a condo and quite frankly the snow removal is not to my standards but it is the standard of the community at large. I cannot wait to move so I can control my own snow removal. Each situation has their own headaches, and hopefully I won’t move next door to the peeling paint people, but if I do I will do my best to say c’est la vie I can remove my own snow and focus on what I can control.
— WES 03/24/2009 Reply
They should take the trip together. The situation has RomCom written all over it. They will realize they miss each other. Get married on the trip. Meanwhile back home the people they were seeing happen to meet while taking a walk in the park. They fall in love. I can see myself starting with Amanda Bynes in this RomCom.
— Jay - Pittsburgh 03/24/2009 Reply
Cat is right about the home owner’s issue. I waited to read a point I disagreed with but the ‘call’ hit it dead on. WES you make a point definitely but the part about one of them probably owns the driveway – not necessarily. Shared driveways are very common. My wife and I had a shared driveway for years in Northern California and it was terrible; the neighbors’ kids’ toys and bikes were always blocking the way, for example. Though you don’t like the snow removal standards at your condo, you choose to live there with those standards. Which requires the condo board’s decision and the willingness of owners to pony up and pay for better snow removal.
About the vacation question. My call: very immature people here. They have “if I can’t do it you can’t do it either” belief. Serves them right to let the trip go to waste.
— trapman New York 03/24/2009 Reply
Cat is generally correct that municipalities can’t legislate “taste”. However, as a former municipal manager, I can tell you that Wes and I.P. are also correct: municipalities can and often do legislate against issues affecting health and safelty including uncut grass, broken windows, etc. Some muncipalities take it a step further and enact broader restrictions on the basis that deteriorated properties can depress tax revenues which impacts all residents.
— Bill - Pittsburgh, PA 03/24/2009 Reply
Great idea Jay! That would make good formula romantic comedy! They’re so spiteful the other one is dating already that they both pay for an additional half of the trip and take their current S.O.‘s and then get back together and the S.O.‘s get together – the end :)
— Saskwatch 03/24/2009 Reply
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks the couple should take the trip TOGETHER. It’s so obvious that’s what they want to do, otherwise they would bow out or “buy out”. PS: about the slacker neighbor problem, don’t ever get a shared driveway. I rent with one and when I can buy a place it will not have a shared driveway, I’d rather search on the street for parking.
— TLC PGH 03/24/2009 Reply
The couple in question should forego the vacation and move on in separate directions. It’s just a trip, after all. I’m surprised their new sig. others aren’t bothered by their unwillingness to ‘buy out’ the ex for the sake of taking a nice vacation.
— bradley in PA 03/24/2009 Reply
I would never ever ever ever have a shared driveway. You never know who you’ll end up sharing it with.
— Pittsburgh 03/24/2009 Reply
Your answer to the woman who asked what to do with the vacation trip that was preplanned with her NOW ex-boyfriend didnât answer her question at all. She said that since her breakup she and her ex have moved on into new relationships and that both of them want to take the trip and neither want to buyout the other. SO the answer to her would have had to be whether or not she allows him to buy her out or totally give in and allow him to go. Telling her to take the trip doesnât answer her question, thatâs where sheâs at now, she DOES want to take the trip, but her ex boyfriend wonât allow her to buy his end. Sometimes your answer to peoples questions just creates more confusion.
— Michael P. Cheswick, PA 03/24/2009 Reply
Michael you have it backward. The woman didn’t say they won’t allow themselves to be bought out. She said neither one of them WANTS to buy the trip because it would hurt their pride (or whatever the dumb reason). Cat’s point is about getting some perspective and not letting yourself miss a vacation because of spite to your ex. It’s a good point and sensible advice. However to be honest I’d be spiteful too and not want my recent ex to take OUR trip w/ someone else. But I’m immature :)
— Peter (Baltimore) 03/24/2009 Reply
With all the things going on in the world here I am making comments about a couple I never met and two homeowners I will never know. The new boyfriends/girlfriends should dump them and the exes should take the trip together (I agree with the other commenters here). The homeowners should sit down over coffee and get to know each other, there might be more going on with the negligent ones than this guy knows.
— West Ender 03/24/2009 Reply
RE: ‘Splitting’ With Your Ex”
Take your new relationship further, get married, and use the cruise for your honeymoon.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 03/24/2009 Reply
“Just think what you could miss if you continue acting like a petulant child. “
Cat, do you get off on insulting people and making them feel 2 feet tall? She’s asking for advice, not some personal story about how you’re better than someone else for buying a TV. Also, your example isn’t even close to the same as what NEED is experiencing.
Here’s a third option that she asked for, “NEED, why not see if you have any friends who may want to go with you and split the cost of the vacation. You can make last minute arrangements to turn the single bed into two double beds if you contact the hotel. Its way too early in your new relationship to consider going on a major vacation together. Go out and enjoy this trip with a friend you really care about. If you’ve known your significant other for a while, it just might be the perfect trip for you two. Why miss out on a great trip?
— Raj, South Side 03/25/2009 Reply
I’m not trying to start a war of the sexes but it seems clear that the only people who don’t understand Cat’s point are men. The question is about two people who are unwilling to budge even for the sake of their own happiness. The way I see it we don’t even know if both exes even want the trip. We do know that neither will buy the trip from the other probably because…who knows? Cat says it’s spite. I think the exes don’t want to make a formerly romantic idea into a ‘business’ transaction by exchanging cash and taking the trip with their new partner. It has not been very long since they broke up. They may hold a candle for each other at this point. It’s hard to know.
— Jen In Pittsburgh 03/25/2009 Reply
Hey Jen in Pittsburgh
I’m a man and I understand Cat’s point. There is definitely some spite at work but they haven’t ‘moved on.’ Buying back their half of the vacation says, “we are over and I’m taking our trip with someone else. Here’s the money to prove it.” Raj, South Side (of what? chicago?) missed the point by a mile and that was merely a shot to insult Cat. Please don’t judge men based on comments like that.
— Mark A. 03/25/2009 Reply
Mark A. – South Side of Pittsburgh.
Jen, Cat didn’t give NEED what she was asking for a Third Option.
Also, I don’t like Cat’s style and I do hope she steps down.
— Raj, South Side 03/26/2009 Reply
Hey Raj, NEED was looking for a “Third OPINION” not a third “option.” Try reading the words before insulting the writer. See?? It’s typical! You don’t bother reading it correctly and want her to quit because you don’t agree with her. If you hate her style so much, don’t read it. I think her column is fun. My “call” is she stepped UP by posting your insults. Go Cat :)
— Jen 03/26/2009 Reply
“Who does this guy think he is?” Well, Tammy, since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you. I’m someone who is well liked and respected in the community. I take pride in my neighborhood and have always made an effort to get along with all my neighbors. Like most people in my position, I’ve put a lot of hard work into maintaining my home and I have also made plenty of sacrifices along the way. Believe me, I am all too familiar with those financial restrictions that often prevent a homeowner from making costly repairs. However, when you see BestBuy delivering the world’s largest HDTV to a house with plywood covering a window, anyone would tell you something’s wrong with that picture. I can guarantee you that it’s not a matter of my neighbors being short of cash when there’s always an empty box from a dvd player or a home theater system sitting by the curb for the trash collectors. Personally, I believe that it’s just plain laziness and I’m not going to apologize for thinking that cutting the grass shouldn’t take a backseat to watching the latest Will Smith movie in surround sound. My reason for contacting Cat was simply to ask her for a tactful way of saying “Hey neighbor, get it together and clean your s*** up!” It was never about sharing a driveway or ‘who it belongs to’. It’s a right of way. I am not the ‘Curb Appeal Police’. I’m just someone who’s growing very tired of watching the house next to mine fall apart because of negligence and finding out that there’s nothing I can do about it.. Tell me, how much junk and clutter would have to pile up on your neighbor’s front porch before you started to notice? How tall would their grass have to get before you wondered if that was why you were seeing more mice and snakes around your property. Seriously, if someone who owns a home isn’t going to take care of it, he or she ought to move into an apartment complex.
— RESPONSIBLE HOMEOWNER in Pittsburgh 03/27/2009 Reply
As long as she is giving bad advice, I will comment.
— Raj, South Side 04/03/2009 Reply
I actually think Cat is right on for both situations. I do not find her to be acting better than anyone - she is just very level headed and down to earth. This is an advice column so she is giving advice. If you don’t like her style maybe you should spend your time reading something else. I go out of my way to read her column -keep up the good work, Cat!
— Debbie, Pittsburgh, PA 04/03/2009 Reply
There are only a few ‘general’ advice columns worth reading out there. Cat’s is one of them, for the reasons you state, Debbie from Pittsburgh. My husband and I first read Cat’s Call waiting in the airport in Pittsburgh two years ago. A couple sitting next to us at the gate left for a flight and left the newspaper on the chair next to ours. It was open to her column and I read it to my husband. We laughed about whatever the subject was that week. I live across the country and here we are two years later reading it on a Friday afternoon. I like the way Cat sees things!
— Ski Guy's Girl (CO) 04/03/2009 Reply