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Dating A Coworker (Or So He Thought) & Skimpy Bikinis Threaten Property Values
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
DEAR CAT: For the past year or so, one of my co-workers has been very friendly with me. She asked me out a couple of times; not dates, just to hang out after work. I developed quite a crush on her, but then suddenly she stopped the attention. One day I visited her office to say hi, and she casually mentioned that sheâs dating someone. I appreciate that she told me, and I couldnât expect her to wait until I found more time for her (my work week is 60-70 hrs), and itâs my loss for not acting sooner, but I get the feeling theyâve been dating for a couple months and I was a backup plan in case things didnât work out with them. I feel absolutely used and resentful. Weâre still cordial but no longer visit each other or engage in flirtatious banter. She may need my help in the future because I am a project manager. Ordinarily Iâd be happy to help but Iâm not sure anymore. Plus, we originally started flirting after she asked me for help on a prior project and Iâm afraid my feelings will resurface if I help her again. Am I overreacting or justified? The last thing I need at my job is another distraction. â FEELING USED
DEAR FEELING: You arenât used, you are confused – itâs the result of too much work and not enough dating. Unless you think itâs real love, donât ever date someone in your workplace. Whatâs more, you chose an âinferiorâ in terms of status, someone whoâs needed your help in the past and over whom you have some degree of control. You didnât make time to date properly and you admit she couldnât be expected to wait for you, soâ¦she didnât! Doesnât sound like you were a backup, sounds like you were, um, nothing really. Your undefined and seemingly nonexistent relationship wasnât exclusive, and flirtatious banter is meaningless without follow-through. Iâm sorry your feeling are hurt but if you want a woman to date you and only you⦠Catâs Call: Date her, donât banter.
DEAR CAT: Our new neighbors are, shall we say, more âopenâ than we like. Namely, the wife often sunbathes with her friends (in skimpy bikinis) on the front lawn. We live in a warm, sunny place, and this has gone on since they moved in a year ago. I feel this type of display downgrades the neighborhood and I am not the only one bothered by this behavior. I know she is not doing anything âillegalâ but she is almost naked! The beach is a few minutes away, why not go there? I prefer not to cause problems but I feel that I should express this to her, for the sake of property values. Your call? —MODEST HOMEOWNER
DEAR MODEST: Cat to Victorian. Cat to Victorian. Come in, over. You cannot dictate your neighborâs behavior. Not in this country, anyway. If you donât like the sight of her barely-clad bod, donât look at it. Regarding property values, as long as her house is well maintained, the market will survive. And if her bod is worth looking at, the market might even thrive. Catâs Call: Is there such a thing as an un-skimpy bikini?
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Hi Cat, I think itâs important to note that Feeling Used basically threatened a colleague because of his childish hurt feelings. He said âShe may need my help in the future . . . but Iâm not sure anymore.â Wow. This is one half step away from sexual harassment. Either he is a professional colleague or heâs not a professional. No more flirtations in the office for him. He clearly canât handle it.
— S.M. (Singapore) 06/16/2009 Reply
Kudos to your response to the modest homeowner living next to the bikini wearing neighbor. One of her remarks was that the neighbor should go to the beach if she was going to dress like that. She seemed to be ok with the neighbor scantily clad at the beach. My question is “how can a certain attire be indecent one place but not in another?” Ok, I’m a guy and I happen to think like a guy but property values going down is taking things a bit far. I think this goes way beyond convenient eye candy for the male neighbors and possibly female neighbors too. It’s about double standards based on our own set of rules and values.
I have a female friend who was sunbathing topless at a Lake Erie beach. That shouldn’t be a big deal. I sunbath topless all the time. Maybe that sounded like a joke and maybe not. Women can show everything up top except their nipples. But us guys have nipples too. Maybe guys shouldn’t show their nipples. Maybe to keep things on an even keel, they should sell men’s bathing suits with matching pasties. i’d wear them in protest and to support our sunbathing female freinds who hate tan lines.
Back to my topless friend. An old guy on the beach was complaining to her and I can only think of two reasons why he’d complained. He was secretly gay or wanted to impressess his wife of 50 years who was with him.
— Chuck, Pittsburgh 06/16/2009 Reply
Wow . . . bikinis in the front yard! Oh, my, what is this world coming to . . . give me a break. MY neighbor doesn’t maintain their garbage so it is constantly coming into my yard, their house is falling apart around them, they block our shared driveway with their vehicles, and, oh, yeah, the son deals drugs out of their house. Yeah, SHE’s got real neighbor problems. Put a bikini on and join them.
— Chris, Pittsburgh 06/16/2009 Reply
Ok I am a woman and offended by the lady complaining about the bikini neighbor. Sure it isn’t to my taste but if the neighbor is covered up to meet the legal standards then modest should get over herself. The prudish neighbor should build herself a fence if she doesn’t want to look into her neighbors yard.
The bikini neighbor has a right to sunbath in her own yard. Perhaps she doesn’t go to the beach because she likes the sun and not the sand. Maybe she likes have a clean bathroom (her own) available rather than hunt down a public restroom, whatever her reason no one should say anything unless she is breaking a law.
— WES, out of stater 06/16/2009 Reply
Love the read………I have a black rather skimpy bikini and when I wear it my neighbors tend to be outside……..its harmless
— J.S. (Pittsburgh) 06/16/2009 Reply
I know this isn’t the point but I’m happy to see a guy assume there’s a relationship just based on flirty banter! I’ve made that mistake before and you’re looked at like you’re crazy. I do know that flirtation does not mean you’re in a relationship with someone but I understand having that to look forward to, then hearing the person is seeing someone. I’d be mad too.
— Cam, pgh pa 06/16/2009 Reply
My call: Yes it’s very nice to have those office flirtings. Yes it’s nice to get a little thrill in a mundane workday. But “Feeling Used” never considered that the flirting perhaps made her uncomfortable? Even if she flirted back. Plus he says he didn’t have time for her, what did he expect? She can’t go on flirting with him when she’s in a relationship. Was she supposed to send him a memo alerting him to her relationship status? She didn’t “use” him, she moved on to someone willing to do more than flirt with her.
— DumDumDeDum 06/16/2009 Reply
This is a classic example of someone missing the forest through the trees. I’m not trying to come down on “Feeling Used” but I think you’re right Cat that he just doesn’t get out enough! Flirting does not constitute anything more than idle (albeit suggestive) chitchat. I understand they hung out before yet he never ONCE took her on a real date and HE feels used?? Her attention had to stop at some point, and like DumDum posted, was she supposed to email him about it? I sort of feel bad for him but he didn’t look ahead and see how things would end up…if he didn’t make a real move. Well now he knows.
— Carol in Pittsburgh 06/16/2009 Reply
Your tweet about this column was funny :)
— Jen, NYC 06/16/2009 Reply
Modest Homeowner says they live in a sunny locale where the beach is nearby. Considering that, is it unusual to see someone in a bathing suit on their own property?? I lived near the beach most of my life and I wouldn’t notice that. Bathing suits are like a dress code near the beach. Modest needs to find something else to do rather than stare at her neighbors.
— K.Smith 06/16/2009 Reply
Modest should sell tickets to the peep show.
— Jim - LA 06/16/2009 Reply
I would like to thank everyone for providing their insight into my situation. I wanted to clarify that I was not my co-worker’s boss. She was also a project manager and the help I was referring to was when she asked my advice about projects she was working on. She is certainly capable of and intelligent enough to complete her assignments without my help.
I also delayed asking her out because one of my co-workers was pursuing her for 6-7 months (until he finally gave up a few months ago) and I did not want to create an awkward situation at work. Ironically, at the time she stopped the attention, my schedule was clearing up and I was planning on asking her out that week. Oh well.
Since I posed my original question, I continued to be cordial to her and treat her as I do any other colleague, but she started smiling at me again when she passes my office and making a point of saying goodnight to me. She has not resumed randomly bringing me cookies (which I do miss) or visiting me for no reason.
And – no – I do not know whether she is still dating someone else, which presents my quandary and the reason I was originally upset; that she was leading me on when she was dating someone else.
And â yes â I know my social skills suck and I need to spend less time at work.
Thank you everyone.
— No Longer Feeling as Used 06/16/2009 Reply
“Feeling Used” gives an important detail in his ‘thank you’ post. He says the woman was also pursued by another coworker. In that case she probably never took their banter seriously and he was really mistaken about her feelings. Mr. Used, you seem a good guy. Your social skills are most probably fine, just use them in social situations rather than the workplace. Employees at your company should stop flirting with each other. Date folks you don’t work with, that’s the real lesson behind all of this.
— CPK 15219 06/17/2009 Reply
Awesome responses to bikini neighbor and the confused project manager! When are you going to publish a book?
— P.Smith, Pittsburgh 06/17/2009 Reply
I compare women laying around in their bikinis to men mowing the grass shirtless. Sometimes its a good thing and sometimes it can be horribly bad depending on the person who is doing it!
— Sara, Pittsburgh 06/23/2009 Reply