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Can Men And (Married) Women Be Friends? And...Getting Marijuana From Your Kid
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
DEAR CAT: I was friends with a guy for a long time, although in all the years I knew him, he never once suggested hanging out until after I got married. Recently I finally told him I loved him as a friend. I should have only said I âcaredâ about him because it must have confused him. After telling him that I loved him, suddenly friendship was not enough for him, and now he no longer wants to be friends with me at all. I am so sad. I still care about him but I don’t think I can ever trust a guy again. Why did he tell me he was my friend and then say he couldnât be friends with me anymore? Why can’t guys be friends with women? Why does it sometimes have to be “all or nothing at all” for guys? â FORBIDDEN FRUIT FRIEND
DEAR FORBIDDEN: 1. Youâre not spilling all the important details. 2. Itâs extremely odd that you two never (ever?) hung out but hanginâ is pretty much de rigueur for local friends. 3. Heâs not confused, heâs mad and it serves him right for only wanting you once youâre married. 4. Youâre married. M.A.R.R.I.E.D. Yet youâre fretting about trusting guys. You might want to share that tidbit with your husband. 5. Guys can be friends with women but your friendship sounds odd. 6. If a guy wants to get it on with his newly married friend, heâs scummy. 7. Catâs Call: Most guys donât want it âall,â theyâre fine with sex.
DEAR CAT: I have a long time friend, he is married with two young-adult children. Recently he told me that his son gave him a marijuana cigarette and he accepted it! I was shocked and appalled at this exchange, which occurred in their home. The father is not currently a user of marijuana, but before having children he did indulge occasionally. His response to me was, âI canât control what he does in the street.â I told him that heâs the parent and must set boundaries and be very clear about his expectations for his children. I feel he is condoning his sonâs illegal behavior, and why would the son even offer his father an illegal substance? I donât know his wifeâs response to this, but I believe the son sees him as a friend rather then an authority figure. What do you think of this exchange? âBAFFLED
DEAR BAFFLED: I think itâs none of your business. Brace yourself: your friend didnât exactly, totally, completely give up pot when he became a father (thatâs why his son felt comfortable offering the joint), and if he wants a drug-free kid, heâs setting a poor example. But itâs not your place to tell him how to raise his children. Their family already has two parents who obviously accept behavior that you would not. Yes, marijuana is illegal (except in some states for medicinal purposes), and for that reason alone your friend should not tacitly condone his sonâs purchase or possession of it. But youâd care less if he allowed his son to drink a bit of wine or sip champagne on special occasions. Point isâ¦Catâs Call: What you (or I) think about the exchange is irrelevant.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Cat. I don’t think my former friend is “scummy,” but my aunt thinks that after our friendship ended, my former friend acted a little scary, and he was not so nice to me. My husband feels bad that I lost a friend who I cared a lot about—because when I was friends with this guy—he treated me with kindness and with respect. I think there was a big misunderstanding. My husband has female friends, and I have male friends. My former friend and my male friends can be flirty, but my male friends know I have only friendship to offer. I blame myself for not reacting well after the misunderstanding (my co-worker gave mis-information to my former friend about the state of my marriage), and my husband understands why my former friend got confused. But you are right—if this guy would have been a true friend we would have gotten through this, and we still could have been friends. I don’t blame my former friend for the mis-understanding, and I am just trying to understand what happened so I can move on with my life if I can. Thanks Cat for your help and for your insight!
— Forbidden-Fruit Friend 06/23/2009 Reply
I am shocked to read your response to the marijuana question. I mean shocked and impressed Cat. You should be a lawyer! That’s a huge question loaded with far reaching implications and you handled it so well. I came here expecting to see a lot of angry comments but there isn’t one! Bravo. For the record, counselor, I agree with your call.
— TOS., Baltimore 06/23/2009 Reply
I think the issue is about the son’s age. I do not know what “young adult” implies. 13? 16? 20? There’s a big difference there. Can this kid vote and die for his country yet or is his voice cracking? If he is old enough to go off to war, he is old enough to make his own decisions. I agree with TOS that you called this well Cat. In the end it’s really none of our business as long as the son is a legal adult.
— SJKT (Pittsburgh) 06/23/2009 Reply
First a response to Cat’s Call on the can men and women be friends question.. HAHAHAHA! [End of response]. That pretty well sums it up. Guys don’t really want it all. Most would be satisfied with just the sex. I think a man can be friends with a woman if he is involved in a relationship with someone else. If that part is missing from his life it would be very difficult to do. He may even want to be close friends bujt if he gets anything that looks to him like a go ahead sign he will atempt to manifest his hidden feelings. I’m being polite here. Men have trouble with their feelings and it is a lot easier, not right mind you, to turn a walk away than to confront issues. Men, many times react irrationally with their feelings as they have never learned the correct way to confront, deal, and move on.
Chuck’s call: I really don’t think your ex-friend is scummy but he may be a little curdly.
— Chuck from Pittsburgh 06/23/2009 Reply
The ‘men and women friends’ question is more difficult than the marijuana question! How could these two people call themselves real friends? She posted here on the comments saying ‘a coworker gave misinformation’ about the state of her marriage?? Does that mean her friend was happy when he thought her marriage might be bad? Then he got mad to learn it’s ok? The whole thing sounds sketchy. There’s no reason for the wife to be THAT upset and ‘never trust men again’. To Chuck from Pittsburgh….“curdly” LOL.
— B.A. pittsburgh 06/23/2009 Reply
The question isn’t whether the dad should accept the marijuana. The question is how good is the marijuana??
— rox (pgh) 06/23/2009 Reply
It was not just about sex. My former friend could have gotten that from another single women who liked him at the time, but I’m sure that could be the case for some guys, but this is not the case here. Thank you Chuck for your insight on guys (maybe you can write a book to help women)! The main issue for me is that my former friend could have expressed his feelings about ending our friendship in a dignified way, and I could have been more dignified as well. That is my hope for all people in all kinds of relationships—friendships or dating relationships. Please guys (and ladies)—be classy and kind when you throw away someone who cares about you! The impact of your words and actions can leave a permenant scar on the lives of others. And sometimes those scars take a heck of a long time to heal!
— Forbidden-Fruit Friend 06/23/2009 Reply
1. Cat, since when is hanging out (WHY NOT SAY SEX IF YOU MEAN SEX) expected of all local male/female friendships? Is this a column for paid escorts?
2. Forbidden Fruit, based on your follow-up comment, I’m baffled that you and your husband decided to get married. It sounds like you’re barely in an exclusive relationship. I think the guy was confused because you don’t act like you’re married. Sounds like you and your husband are one significant fight or two significant cocktails away from converting a flirtatious friend into an affair.
Mark’s Call: Find this friend that you’re so concerned with and let him know that while you can’t really hang out with him, you could stopover from time to time to let him know you care. Guys appreciate that.
— Mark Freeport 06/23/2009 Reply
This was just a friendship—nothing more!!! I just wanted to know why some guys could not be friends with women, and I think Chuck answered my question—thanks Chuck.
— Forbidden-Fruit Friend 06/23/2009 Reply
FFF, I think Cat’s right: There’s more to the story than you’re letting on. I might be way off base here, but your situation reminds me tangentially of something that happened to me several years ago. A female friend from college, whom I’d pursued unsuccessfully, got married—as it turned out, unhappily. We continued to exchange letters, and I wrote her when a very close grandparent died. She called me shortly thereafter, I assumed about my grandparent. However, when I started talking about the death, she said, “Yes, that must have been hard for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I really was in love with you during college and wish I would’ve expressed that to you—physically.” Um, what? As Cat said, “You’re married. M.A.R.R.I.E.D.” The last thing I needed at that moment was a reminder of what might have been. BTW, we’re still friends, both happily married—she to her second husband.
I’m just saying that mixed/crossed signals aren’t exclusive to one gender or another. I wouldn’t even say that your ex-friend is “curdly”; he might just be confused as hell by something that you did or did not say or do in response to something that he did or said.
— Been There, Pittsburgh 06/23/2009 Reply
I just want to add a little more to my response as to why men and (married) women can’t be friends. It is a much know fact that men are more physically oriented in the attraction to the opposite sex. Again, I am being polite here. If the man is “unattached” he most likely is searching for or open to having a relationship and not just for the sex. The non-scummy men will see qualities he misses by being around his female married friend. She is there . He is there. They are there together. He’s physically attracted to her. There is a feeling of safety because they are already friends. WHAMO SLAMO. The guy’s got it bad. He may not have hung out with her because he was already having feelings for her and knew the releationship wasn’t going over the friendship line and he couldn’t deal with it.
— Chuck from Pittsburgh 06/23/2009 Reply
Can Men And (Married) Women Be Friends?
No, men and (married) women should not be friends. The friendship should be between spouses.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 06/24/2009 Reply
You have the right to feel the way you do Marc. However, my husband has many female friends, and I have a few male friends. We can think of people of the opposite sex as something other than sex objects—just friends. Also, my husband has a good relationship with his mom—that could be why he respects women/why he can treat women as friends/equals. We are also very loyal to each other as well, and we trust each other, and we have control of our bodies!
— FFF 06/24/2009 Reply
You have the right to feel the way you do Marc. However, my husband has many female friends, and I have a few male friends. We can think of people of the opposite sex as something other than sex objects—just friends. Also, my husband has a good relationship with his mother—that could be why he respects women/why he can treat women as friends/equals. We are also very loyal to each other as well, and we trust each other, and we have control of our bodies! I like Brad Pitt, and I think he is sexy, and he would be a cool friend to hang out with (I know he is not interested), but I would not betray my husband—even for Brad Pitt—I could be friends with him/be attracted to him, but still just be friends with him or with any guy. This is 2009, and I feel like I am an evolved woman who can control herself, but it seems like some people can’t deal with men being friends with women, and maybe for some people it is difficult to have self control.
— Forbbiden-Fruit Friend 06/25/2009 Reply
Hey Forbidden…you have this whole thing mixed up. Maintaining a friendship with a person of the opposite sex is not about self control. If you have to control yourself it’s not friendship, it’s sexual. “Marc” from Squirrel Hill is right. You have a deep friendship with your spouse, all other relationships with the opposite sex become acquaintances. By the way where the hell is squirrel hill??? Have to google that one (it’s in pittsburgh, I should have guessed). Also it is somewhat suspicious that you are so upset at the loss of a male friend who wouldn’t spend any time with you until after you got married. That’s my call.
— jp10001 06/25/2009 Reply
I was just upset because my former friend ended things in a bad/ugly way. I can accept the idea that our friendship ended, I just did not know why it ended, and why it had to end with my friend being so angry. Thanks again to Chuck for explaining the situation to me. I think this guy was just a temporary friend, but not a long-term loyal friend. I guess that is the way it goes sometimes…Now maybe I should move to Saudi Arabia, and cover my face/body so that no guy ever looks at me, and I will not be allowed to speak to men other than my husband and my male relatives. It’s sort of strange that that men don’t cover their faces/entire bodies in Saudi Arabia—since women can have trouble with self-control as well, but I guess the men like it that way—that way the men can have the control over the women, and they don’t need to learn self-control or deal with their feelings!
— Forbidden-Fruit Friend 06/25/2009 Reply
This married woman should not be this concerned about the loss of her single male friend who’s not even an old friend like from childhood. In her original question and comments here she is so preoccupied with male/female relations and controlling herself around men. John’s Call: the friend gave up and found someone else because he doesn’t want the drama.
— John 15219 06/29/2009 Reply
did two teenagers get married? that’s what forbidden fruit’s situation sounds like—a highschool student’s. married people can be friends with folks same or opposite sex without problem if they are mature and honest with themselves and their spouses.
I also disagree with Marc—-it is possible to have deep friendships outside of marriage—unless, of course, you are being kept from them by your spouse. In that case I would rethink the marriage.
— cel, pgh 06/30/2009 Reply
I knew the former friend for a very long time and he was like an older brother to me even before we hung out as friends (we usually had other friends with us when we finally hung out). I guess he was the only guy I ever met who completely accepted me how I am 100% and he never tried to change me. He really helped me with my self esteem issues but now I have learned that I have to get self esteem from myself and not from a guy. I feel better now and I don’t even really miss my friend anymore because I have to survive on my own without him and he never wants to talk to me ever again anyways so I am better off moving on and forgetting about him. Thanks to everyone for the comments (the nice ones and the not-so-nice ones) and thanks for helping me get through this!
— FFF 07/02/2009 Reply