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He Is Undersexed And Tempted To Cheat & He Is 'The Other Man'
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
DEAR CAT: Here’s a tough one. Since our second child was born in the mid-90s, my wife and I only have sex once or twice per year. I still love her – although markedly less so because of the lack of sex – and I do not want to break up our “happy home.” To me the problem seems entirely emotional but counseling has been rejected and I’m not sure I could go back now anyway. We’re both in decent and presentable physical condition and we used to have sex regularly and enthusiastically. Iâve never cheated before but now Iâm sorely tempted. Cat’s Call ?? — TEMPTED TO CHEAT
DEAR TEMPTED: Itâs not tough for me to tell you cheating isnât the answer. Youâd get a quick âfix,â then return home to the same problems, this time with guilt (which lasts forever). So the problem is âemotionalâ but youâre not willing to work on it? Thatâs not the response of a man who truly loves his wife, itâs the response of a spoiled and immature man. Your wedding vows didnât include a sex pact, and nobody said marriage & kids would be a bed of roses every day (BTW, rose petals on the bed is a great idea!). If you want a better, happier, more vibrant relationship with your wife, lovingly push her to face this problem with you – if that requires counseling, do it. When it comes to marriageâ¦Catâs Call: Put your all into it before skipping out on her, your children, and your vows.
DEAR CAT: I’ve worked with a girl for three years. In the past six months we’ve become really close and go out a lot, which I love. The problem: she’s in a relationship and has been since I met her. Weâve admitted feelings for each other, and when her boyfriend is around she totally ignores him to be with me. Iâd never ask her to change her life for me but she comes on really strong and gets physical with me, often asking me to spend the night at her place (which I’ve done, on the couch or in the guest bedroom). Sheâs said she’s not going to marry the boyfriend and wants to be with me. Iâm really confused. I think she is in a comfort zone and doesn’t want to start a new relationship. At the same time I don’t think this is fair. My friends advise playing it slow, but I don’t know if I should wait or make a stronger move. Any advice would be great. â CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: Your friends are right, to a point. You should play it slow, as in tortoise slow, as in cut this off until youâre treated with respect slow. Your instincts about fairness are right on. She is a cheater and a liar, and you excuse her behavior while she A) has you whenever she wants, B) enjoys the jealousy of her boyfriend (yes, he notices that she ignores him in your presence), and C) gets to have two boycakes and eat them. You donât have to force her to choose, but just remember, if youâre willing to be her second choiceâ¦Catâs Call: Sheâll never put you first.
Whatâs YOUR call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
my call to “the other man”: cat is really right about this, you are her plaything and she can easily stop faling all over you in front of her boyfriend and go back to him, or some other guy! you could be one in a line of guys she cheats with and not even know it.
— 11215 (NY) 07/07/2009 Reply
Dear Tempted To Cheat,
You are risking your entire life if you cheat. Cat is correct, guilt lasts forever and even if your wife didn’t find out about your infidelity your would change you in ways that would affect your marriage. Stay with your wife, not for the sake of your children, but for the sake of ‘ten/twenty/thirty years from now’.
— Cheated Before 07/07/2009 Reply
I disagree with ‘Cheated Before’ and Cat. Guilt doesn’t always last forever, cheating is often a one-time thing that satisfies a momentary urge and that’s it. If you are safe about it nobody gets hurt and the urge is gone.
— Jack B. PGH 07/07/2009 Reply
Cat, I have been in Tempted’s situation. From my experience, if she is not willing, for whatever reason, to address sex as a normal, healthy, and pleasurable part of a marital relationship, all of the rose petals in the world will not change a thing. When joint councelling was refused, I persued councelling on my own. I read and applied several ‘Save the Marriage” books. In the end, It occured to me that witholding sex in a relationship that expicitly implies sex, and, in fact, was formed around and/or once incorporated sex, is a form of mental cruelty. She has borken an implied vow, she is cheating him. Unfortunately, her form of cheating isn’t recognized in our scociety, so he needs to take the high road here: Work out, or end, the present relationship before starting another.
— Been There, Pittsburgh 07/07/2009 Reply
Just a thought for Tempted, but I wonder if his wife perhaps has a physical problem that makes sex uncomfortable for her? She may be embarrassed to admit it or deal with it, but it could have developed after the birth of the child, which matches the timing for the downturn in their sex lives. He will need to be VERY sensitive in discussing this issue with her, but if she find the right doctor/gynecologist, her problem may have a solution. I wonder if they openly talk about sex or feel comfortable about it – if not, that is part of the problem. Also, counseling (couples or even sex therapy) should help and they should be persistent in finding the therapist that works well with their needs – shop around! Cheating is definitely NOT the answer, and Jack B. has a lot of growth to do in life if he thinks it doesn’t hurt anyone. Tempted loves his wife and owes it to her and the kids to try to regain a healthy, fun sex life; which both people should enjoy in a marriage. The joy in sex can be refound while true love is very hard to find…so hang in there Tempted!
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 07/07/2009 Reply
Sorry, Jack, but you are dead wrong. There is far more wrong with their relationship than the lack of sex. There is a REASON the sex stopped, and cheating will not solve the problem. However, if they cannot discuss the issues, and resolve the problem(s) themselves, they should go to counseling. If she won’t go, then he has a decision to make. Can he live with the way things are right now? I’m thinking no. If that is the case, he needs to make it very clear to his wife that he cannot continue in this manner. He needs to think about leaving, not cheating.
— Chris, Pittsburgh 07/07/2009 Reply
Confused should keep in mind that if he starts a relationship with this woman, since it started with cheating, he probably will be next. It floors me how many people are dumb enough to think that they somehow will be different and the cheater won’t do it to them.
— JamieOber, State College 07/07/2009 Reply
Cat, you’ve missed the boat on this one! Clearly the guy is trying to tell you that it’s his wife that has the “emotional problem” and SHE is the one who is not willing to do anything about it. So calling him “spoiled and immature” is wrong. I know what he’s going through because I’m in the same situation. My wife says she loves me but has no interest in sex any more, and I know that if I even mention any kind of therapy she’d just go into a childish fit and not even try to discuss it.
— Also Tempted, usa 07/07/2009 Reply
Wait a minute – “Tempted” has been in this situation since the mid 1990s? That’s over 10 years. There is clearly a serious problem here that is being swept under the rug. If she doesn’t want to do counselling, and he is not satisfied with the status quo, then they don’t have a “happy home” despite his disclaimer. He also seems to be saying he couldn’t go back to loving her the same way either, so he no longer sees a point in counselling. I agree that it is worth one more try, although they would both have to make a commitment to really try, vs. just wait and see what happens.
— nn New Jersey 07/07/2009 Reply
Wow, you really let your bias show on this one. I did not really expect you to condone cheating, but I did expect you’d suggest she wake up to what drives the male end of any relationships. I stay with her for over a decade and a half of involuntary celibacy and you question my love and call me selfish? Rose petals? Are you kidding – I’ve tried jewelry, dinners, clothing, trips, housework, a dog, being there for every kid activity I possibly can – all to no avail. If there is no “pact” in a marriage, why would I forswear all others? Isn’t that sort of assumed? She’s cheating me more than I would be cheating her when the inevitable happens, and there won’t be a speck of guilt on my end when it does.
— Tempted To Cheat 07/08/2009 Reply
Cat, thank you for the advice in your column this week, I think I’m going to totally listen to it and see where it goes from there, thanks again.
— Confused 07/08/2009 Reply
Tempted, Cat’s responses are what I would classify as the typical female point of view. I too have been living in your situation, but for me it has been 19 years! She has no way of knowing how much resentment, bitterness, and anger you feel for the women you once loved with all your heart (and the guilt you feel for having those feelings). And lets not forget the feeling of being used. You try being a loving husband and what do you get in return? Rejection and neglect! Cat says that all the things you have done are things that a loving husband is supposed to do. Well Cat, what can we loving husbands expect our loving wifes to do for us? Does rejection and neglect fit into the loving wife role? As far as I’m concerned, sex is part of a marriage. It creates a bond, connection, and experience that you can’t (or shouldn’t) have with anyone else in the world. When one partner forces celibacy on the other that bond is broken and you become nothing more than roomates and/or partners. If the wife truely loved her husband she would at least explore why she is no longer interested in sex (hormone changes, physical issues, depression, loss of interest in partner, etc.) and agree to counseling.
The only thing I agree with Cat on is that cheating is not the answer. If your wife won’t go to counseling with you then the only answer I see is to leave. After all, you are the only one who controls your happiness, even in a marriage.
By the way Cat, I didn’t take your rose petal comment as levity. I read it as a stick to the husband for not doing enough or the right things to get his wife to have sex with him. If you wanted levity you should have used something other than an exclaimation point as punctuation (like perhaps a smiley). In addition, sex shouldn’t be used as a reward or withheld as punishment. Each partner should want to please or take care of the others needs for no other reason than because they love them! (and when one doesn’t the message is loud and clear!)
— Neglected Too 07/08/2009 Reply
LOL Tempted To Cheat used the word ‘celibacy’ in regard to his sex life with his wife. They have sex a couple times a year. No that’s not alot but it is something. I know single attractive men and women who go a year or more without sex (this is a common fact). He is married, he has kids, the whole shebang. The wife is probably exhausted and not into having more kids. My call: I don’t think it’s a big deal for his wife to offer a little bit more but those two need therapy, not jewelry and clothing like he said in his comment. Hey Tempted are you one of those who gives to get? That is not a good marriage, that is a barter system.
— P. (berkeley ca) 07/09/2009 Reply
Tempted – your subsequent posting was far more revealing that the original inquiry to Cat. You sound like you’ve made up your mind already, and you proclaim that “when the inevitable happens, there won’t be speck of guilt” on your end. If that is true, which I doubt, why ask Cat for her advice at all. You also sound like you are trying to justify the cheating already (I hope I am wrong). You criticize Cat for focusing on the cheating part of your inquiry and not your wife’s lack of sexual interest in you; but the threat to cheat is FAR graver than your infrequent sex with your wife. If you don’t see that, then she should leave you. Cat is right that you are being immature, and your apparent link between material items/helping around the house and sex is absurd. Cat was encouraging you to be more sexual with your wife, not to buy sex. There is no sex “pact” in marriage and you don’t get married just for sex. I agree it is an important and healthy part of the relationship, but many men and women suffer physical reasons that impede sex and their partners don’t leave them or cheat. My advice above was geared toward one avenue to explore why the sex has been reduced to a couple of times a year (which is NOT celibacy), however, you don’t seem committed to tackling the problem, just in looking elsewhere. The impression you are giving me (and I believe, Cat) is that your wife deserves better. Be a good husband and either tackle the emotional/physical problems through therapy and affection OR end the marriage. Then you can sleep with whomever you like. But cheating is always wrong.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 07/09/2009 Reply
Dear Tempted and others,
take it from someone who has lost a love because he couldn’t keep his pants on.DO NOT CHEAT no matter what.The guilt,the sorrow you will feel, and the loss of respect you will receive from those around you are just not worth a quick, cheap thrill.Upon reading Tempted’s story, I too sent a letter to Cat explaining my story and hope that it will get published for all you readers to see.
— living in extreme sorrow for what I did...missouri 07/09/2009 Reply
Hey CONFUSED…drop her fast! You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. Don’t be someone’s second choice. You are better than that! Cat is right, she’s never going to put you first. You have to put yourself first!
— CJ - Pittsburgh 07/10/2009 Reply
This is for Tempted to Cheat. You and your wife need to sit down and have a really long talk. Lack of communication is definitely part of the problem here—you two, no matter how long you’ve been married—have no idea how to talk to each other. It sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind to leave or cheat (or both) already, but if your marriage and children are worth anything at all to you, you’ll give it another try. Are you really ready to risk it all—your home, your money, and especially your children—for a fling? Seriously?
Helping with the housework and babysitting your own children does not mean your wife “owes” you sex. You might as well leave $20 on the nightstand when you get dressed and leave. Sure, it might get her more in the mood because she’s not quite as tired as she might be otherwise, but there is more to a marriage than that. If she finds you sexually unappealing, you need to find out why. Does she find other men more appealing? (Sorry, had to ask.) Can she even get aroused at all? These are questions you, with the help of a therapist and possibly a medical doctor, need to ask.
— Katie, Pittsburgh 07/14/2009 Reply
If you think about cheating on a regular basis it’s not about a lack of sex. Going out with the pure intention of sleeping with another woman shows how bitter you are, not how horny you are. A man can get satisfied easily on his own. It’s not the same as loving physical affection from a woman but it gets the job done.
— Bob in PGH 07/22/2009 Reply
I can actually relate to this man who has been neglected sexually. I stayed with a man for four years, and because of his ED problem caused by medications he was taking for another problem, we rarely if ever had sex. We did try to solve the problem with pills and patches, doctor visits, but he never carried through on anything and would not take the medication the way he needed to. It was a sore and sensitive subject, and I tried the best I could to understand what he was going through. He did not give me the same consideration. Because he was embarrassed by the whole situation and didn’t want to deal with it, he stayed away from me almost completely—pushing me away when I hugged him, barely kissing me or hugging me—ever. There was rarely any kind of affection at all, but I loved him so much, I stayed and hoped things would get better. It was very tough loving someone that much and not having the much-needed closeness and physical contact. We finally broke up—there were a lot of other reasons too—, and I’m with someone else now. So, my point is, I fully understand what Tempted is going through and getting to the point where you are so frustrated, you are tempted to cheat. Tempted should try talking to his wife again and trying to solve the problem at least one more time.
— can relate 07/27/2009 Reply