Columns

He's Still Guilty For Cheating 20yrs Ago & An Unbalanced Wedding Guest List

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

DEAR CAT: Many years ago I was involved with a beautiful young woman. We talked about marriage and a life together but we were still in school so our plans were on hold until we could support ourselves. After school I foolishly decided to join the military and left my lady’s side. Instead of staying faithful, I ran around on her like a selfish, stupid, immature idiot. Needless to say, I lost my first true love and we each went on to marry and raise families. Since then, Iâve had several tragedies involving the women in my life (my wife, mother and daughter) and for over 20 years I have been carrying the guilt of what I did to my girl. I was raised Catholic and feel that the tragedies inflicted on the women closest to me are punishment for what I did in the past. My best friend says to forget it. Am I crazy, Cat? — LIVING IN EXTREME SORROW FOR WHAT I DID.

DEAR LIVING: Your guilt may be Catholic, but your theory is karmic. I certainly canât play religious judge and jury to your life. Instead Iâll offer a completely non religious perspective: Viewing the tragedies of others only as punishment to yourself might be evidence youâre still somewhat selfish. Yes, cheating is terrible, but guilt doesnât undo the deed. Rather than looking for absolution, use your time and energy in a positive, selfless way. Everyone experiences tragedy in lifeâ¦ Catâs Call: It doesnât mean they deserved it.

DEAR CAT: I am debating expanding my wedding guest list, and wanted your opinion on my dilemma. My fiancÃ© has a much smaller family than mine and he is inviting first cousins, some second cousins and friends. On my side, I have about 50 first-cousins (all married), so my list would be pretty large without including friends. I donât think itâs appropriate to include just some of the first cousins, so Iâm taking the âall or noneâ approach. We are tentatively having about 125 guests without my first cousins and Iâm trying to keep the number down for budget reasons. Some cousins are out of town and probably wouldnât go, but the possibility could be costly. Plus, I am feeling a bit of guilt because I was invited to all of their weddings. Does it go against wedding etiquette to not invite first cousins if the groom invites his? — ALL (OR NOTHING) IN THE FAMILY

DEAR ALL: I was once in a wedding with fourteen bridesmaids and eight groomsmen. Lopsided? Yes. Did it work out fine? Absolutely. I donât know any rules about âmatchingâ family members but donât worry about rules, focus on enjoying your wedding day and maintaining a manageable guest list. You canât possibly have a close, ongoing relationship with all fifty cousins. If you were invited to a family memberâs wedding, itâs most polite to reciprocate but itâs not a requirement. These days everyone understands the insane cost of weddings, and further that going broke and being riddled with guilt is not in fashion. And if they donâtâ¦Catâs Call: They donât deserve an invitation.

Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.

This is for Extreme Sorrow: Regardless of whether you are Catholic or not, whatever happened to your wife, mother, and daughter have nothing to do with your behavior all those years ago. People make mistakes and must live with the consequences. However, guilt doesn’t do anyone any good, and I doubt that your old love would really want you to carry that guilt with you for 20 years. It will hold you hostage. If you want to be free of that guilt, I would get in touch with your old love and just tell her how sorry you are for what you did, and then move on. The most important thing is that you learned from that mistake, and have become wiser because of it.

— Chris, Pittsburgh 08/18/2009 Reply
Sorry Chris in Pittsburgh but that is not good advice, the part about contacting the former girlfriend to apologize. I think it might be the worst advice. I am A-M-A-Z-E-D Cat went so far as to call the guy selfish, which he really is! How many women get the “apology call”?? It doesn’t make the woman feel any better, it makes the cheater feel better! Do NOT call your old girlfriend. Own up to your mistakes and move on. Your old girlfriend has!

— Jackie in PGH 08/18/2009 Reply
I completely agree with Jackie. Cat saw this subject in a way most people would probably disagree with and I give her big credit for doing that. I bet most people read his question and went “awwww” when they should have Cat’s reaction. He doesn’t even talk about how his cheating made the girlfriend feel!!! He only talks about how it makes HIM feel. I sympathize for his family troubles but on the other things – no way.

— T., ny 08/18/2009 Reply
I cheated on a test in 6th grade. Does that mean my kids deserve to flunk out of school?

— Bob, USA 08/18/2009 Reply
For “All (or nothing)”- my wife’s only brother got married about a month before our own wedding, so it was a busy summer for their family. The thing is, they have a relatively small family, and most of those few family members don’t travel. My now brother-in-law’s fiance wanted a big, formal wedding, so they did the traditional big church “Groom family on one side Bride on the other” seating, and it was just awful. The wedding took place in the Bride’s home town (an hour away from the groom’s, so it wasn’t a big travel difference). 150 people sat on the left side of the church, and 12 people sat on the right… Flash forward to a month later and my own wedding, and we made conscious decision to not do “sides”. It worked out wonderfully, and it made her family ( the same 12 folks) feel much more at ease (my father-in-law said he was very thankful for the decision), and it made the pictures of the ceremony better because the guests were spread out in the entire church. My call: invite the first cousins and friends – make sure they get the “We are registered at:” cards – and then lose the formality of “his & her” sides at the wedding; you will all be happier!

— Lewis, Pittsburgh 08/18/2009 Reply
Dear Cat,

Thank you for your response to my dilemma in today’s column. I found your insight to be very helpful. You were correct in your point that life’s tragedies are not deserved, they just happen. I have been told by the people around me many times over the years to focus on the here and now and not what happened 23 years ago and I do by and large. I have a wonderful loving family and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

However, I am just so wracked with remorse over what I did in the past and how I treated an innocent young girl who had her whole world invested in me and thought that she was getting my investment in return. I realize that there is nothing I can do to change the past and that is what is so frustrating.I wrote both her and her mother a heartfelt letter about 17 years ago detailing how truly sorry I am for what happened and that everything was all my fault, etc.

Anyway, thank you again for listening and finding my question worthy of publication and now I look forward to the readers’ responses.

— Living In Extreme Sorrow For What I Did 08/18/2009 Reply
For “Living in Sorrow” – everyone has done things that they regret. The best thing to do going forward is to try to be a better person, and perhaps to engage in some community service activity that will benefit others. The guilt trip is not beneficial to anyone – not to you, your family, or the lady in question. You can’t change the past. All you can do is to be a better person in the future.

— nn from NJ 08/18/2009 Reply
Sorry, Jackie in Pgh, you are talking (or writing) to someone who just might know a little more about how this guy is feeling than you do. At this point, if the old girlfriend has moved on as you say she has, this problem IS about HIM being able to move on. The reason he hasn’t been able to is because he never discussed it with her, or apologized right to her face. You said he needs to own up to his mistakes—to whom should he own up to? Himself? He’s already done that. Only telling her will help him move on.

If you love someone, tell them; if you’re angry with someone, tell them so the problem can be resolved; if you are happy with someone, tell them; if you are sorry about something you did, tell them . . . life is too short to hold anything inside.

— Chris, Pittsburgh 08/19/2009 Reply
Did any of you read this man’s letter/comment here? He wrote an apology letter to the woman 17 freaking years ago. The LAST thing he shoud do is contact her again. Leave her alone! He’s convinced he ruined her life but she got married and had kids, how self-absorbed is this man?? You were teenagers, get over it! HE’S the one who can’t and therefore he shouldn’t bug her about it. Obsessing over old wrongs is his problem, not hers.

— Sammy CA 08/19/2009 Reply
readers….please try to interpret my comments carefully. I have no intention of recontacting my old love.That ship has sailed.Secondly, please do not put words into my mouth…while my ex was absolutely devastated at our breakup,I did not claim to have ruined her entire life by what I did. She has moved on and married another.
We were not teenagers either…we were in our mid-20’s and were supposed to get married which is much,much worse than a simple teenage breakup.

Don’t get me wrong, guys…nobody knows better than I do that cheaters do not receive nor deserve any respect…appreciate all the feedback…keep firing away….LIVING IN EXTREME SORROW FOR WHAT I DID

— living in extreme sorrow for what I did 08/19/2009 Reply
To Living in sorrow….don’t ever forget what you did, it taught you a life lesson. It looks like most people here are not getting the real issue. Correct me if I’m wrong, this isn’t about you cheating all those years ago, but that you now feel responsible for what has happened to your wife, mother and daughter because of it. Maybe Cat is right and you are still being selfish because it seems you are looking for attention out of someone elses tragedy. If anything, and hopefully, what you did earlier in life has made you more supportive to the women in your life now while THEY go through THEIR tragedy. You say you are Catholic, then maybe go talk to your priest about this. I too was raised Catholic but I don’t remember anything about being at fault for someone elses tragedy unless I personally caused it. It would be easy to say if we could go back and do things differently we would, but reality is things happen for a reason and we are all in the place we are suppose to be. My favorite quote by Eleanor Roosevelt…..“You have to accept whatever comes; the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give.”

— Barb, Pittsburgh 08/20/2009 Reply
to Barb in Pgh….you hit the nail on the head.My original letter to Cat was not intended to beg for forgiveness for what happened 23 years ago.The point was that I feel responsible for all of my ladies’ tragedies due to my horrible indiscretions of long ago and I wanted to share it with Cat and her readers to get feedback on whether I was right or wrong to feel this way.

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I was on my knees in prayer while all of this was going on saying,“Lord, if someone must suffer, make me suffer and not them.” These tragedies all occurred at nearly the same time by the way so we had to deal with everything all at once.While you are correct that my ladies were the victims, these events affected the entire family in a deep profound way.

As for the indiscretions of my youth, I had always felt a deep sense of remorse over what I did all those years ago and I always will but when the events of the past couple of years occurred, I began to re-examine my life and rightly or wrongly took the responsibility of what happened to the ladies currently in my life on my shoulders.And to answer your other question, yes, I have been a good husband to my wife and and a good father to my children and I will never EVER forget what I did in my youth.

Thank you for your observation and I have began to feel a little better.

— living in extreme sorrow for what I did 08/20/2009 Reply
Dear Extreme Sorrow,

If you have been living in sorrow for 23 years, regardless of the reason, I suggest you seek counseling.

Also, since you believe your deity inflicts tragedies on innocent people as punishment for what you did, you may want to reconsider who you choose to worship. Your upbringing does not stop you from thinking for yourself.

Best of luck to you!

— Kathi, Atlanta 08/20/2009 Reply
To Living in Extreme Sorrow,

I am sorry for the pain you are going through and the losses in your life.

I sort of have a different take on your situation than most of the posters here. Setting aside the whole Catholic guilt thing (trust me, I have my own issues there but do not feel others are harmed by my actions), I think you are disillusioned right now. Please do not take any offense by this, I just want to offer my opinion based on my own experiences in life with breakups.

You were not married to this young girl when you joined the military. You were young and so was she. Perhaps since I didn’t get married until almost the age of 37 I have a different perspective, but I don’t think it is abnormal to not want to settle down at such a young age (it isn’t for everyone). Even if you really cared about her, you weren’t ready at the time. I don’t condone cheating on someone, but you were young and you were not married. That is the bottom line. If you really loved this woman, this would not have happened. Yes, it hurt when you realized you lost the love of your life, but at the time, you were not ready to fully commit.

I don’t think it can ever really hurt to reach out to someone (regardless of the gap in time that has passed), so if you feel you want to do this, go ahead. However, I caution you in that (1) you may be “just bored” (a funny friend of mine used to say that to me when I was crying over old exes -and it is may be sort of true -look at your situation -you just had several more losses and now are left alone and you are reaching for something familiar. If this is even remotely the case, I would not make any contact with here. Live through the discomfort right now and then once you are through your grief, find ways to rebuild your life in a new way.

I wish you the best and will pray that you find peace.

— Debbie, Mt. Lebanon 08/25/2009 Reply
After going back and reading the follow up comments, particularly from Extreme Sorrow, I agree with Cat even more so than when I first read her response. Extreme Sorrow is missing the point that he is being an egoist when he talks about how HE ruined a young girls life, how HE feels guilty, and how he thinks HIS actions affected everyone around him. He is wallowing in feelings of self-centered obsession not true guilt. If he feels true guilt, then he would act to make up for his past actions – treat the people around him well, perform acts of charity and community good, and stop thinking the whole universe revolves around him. The ship has sailed with the old fiance, and she clearly has moved on. She is not affected by him any longer, and he needs to focus on making the lives of those around him better and stop thinking that life’s tragedies are about HIM. I wish him luck and agree he should seek counseling, as these habits/thoughts are clearly deeply ingrained in him.

— Karen C - Pittsburgh 09/01/2009 Reply