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Wife Discovers Husband's 'Dirty' Secret & Is He A Friend Or A Fiend?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
DEAR CAT: Hereâs one I bet you havenât heard before. After three years of marriage I just learned that my husband doesnât shower every day. If he exercises or works on the house or the car, then he takes a shower. But otherwise he takes one every other day. I learned this when I came back from a weekend trip and saw the towel hadnât been used. I asked him about it and he casually said he hadnât showered since I left. He looked and smelled fine butâ¦thatâs gross, right?! I can laugh a little now, after having a few days to digest it, but what bothers me is that I didnât know this about my own spouse! Our work schedules overlap so we never use the shower at the same time (I leave earlier so I always assumed he showered after I was gone). Should I be mad or chalk this up to âthings you learn about your spouse over time?â — DAILY BATHER
DEAR D.B.: Youâre right, I havenât heard this one before. Iâm glad you can laugh a little because I laughed a lot. Just think how many times his dirty little secret will come in handy in the future! If youâre lucky, over the years youâll continue to learn all sorts of funny things about him. Of all the things spouses could discover about one anotherâ¦Catâs Call: Consider yourself fortunate that clean towels are his biggest problem.
DEAR CAT: Iâve had a male friend for about a year. I had a boyfriend when we met but six months later my relationship fizzled. We had tons in common, my only reservation was that he is 10 years older (I’m 32 and he’s 42). Eventually I began to wonder if we were truly compatible. He often uses his age to seem superior or wiser. He sounds condescending and I’m starting to question his motives. Lately heâs tried to get more physically intimate so Iâve avoided situations where weâd be alone. Now he has an attitude and is behaving very immaturely. He was disrespectful the last time we spoke, so I ended the conversation. Iâve tried contacting him but got no reply to my call or texts. I’m shocked that someone I’ve respected for a year could suddenly be this way. Perhaps I’m naive and friendship was a strategy to get close to me. I was going to call him one last time but then I thought, “why bother if we’re not compatible?” Do you think he is a friend or fiend—-TIRED OF HIDDEN AGENDAS
DEAR TIRED: Heâs not acting like a friend but âfiendâ might be giving him too much credit. Itâs hard to know what âmore physically intimateâ entails but trying to sleep with you after a year doesnât make him a fiend. Ignoring your calls and texts makes him immature, ungentlemanly and not very nice when faced with rejection. Both of you need to figure out exactly where you want the friendship to go. For now, trust your instincts and wait for him to contact you. As a final note, if heâs punishing you for refusing to sleep with himâ¦Catâs Call: Heâs not compatible with any woman.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
Dear Tired,
You might want to read Cat’s June 23, 2009 column Can Men and Women be Friends about myself and my former friend. Our situation is similar. I only wanted friendship from a guy whom I considered to be a dear friend and a mentor; however, our friendship ended when I was clear that I only wanted friendship, but he wanted a friend with “benefits.” Some guys just can’t handle being attracted to a female friend, and they might need some space to deal with this. That is what my former older male friend told me when our friendship ended, but if I knew that from the start of the problem, I would have given him space. After your friend has time to get over you, he might be able to contact you again and be just a friend, but you need to give him lots of time and space (maybe even a few years) to decide this—if you still want to be just friends. There is nothing you can do other than just wait and see if your “friend” can get over his romantic feelings for you. Only time will tell—just be patient and focus on the people who are there for you now. Peace be with you. FFF
— Forbbiden-Fruit Friend 10/13/2009 Reply
I just wanted to say thanks for answering the question I submitted and posting it in today’s Cat’s Call. Also many thanks for condensing the text (I know I can be wordy). I’m a Pittsburgh native but moved to Chicago almost 2 years ago. Reading the Post-Gazette online makes me feel as if I’m still connected to The ‘Burg. I remain a big fan of your column – Keep up the good work!
— TIRED OF HIDDEN AGENDAS, Chicago, IL 10/13/2009 Reply
Hey Daily Bather. On twitter I suggested to Cat that you should shower with your dear hubby to make sure he stays clean. To do so might work out to solve your dillemma; and I guess it could prove beneficial in other ways. Just a thought. ;-)
— Carm in Pittsburgh 10/13/2009 Reply
On both today’s questions I LOVED your answers! Most people don’t know that showering everyday isn’t necessary if you aren’t sweating much. On the 2nd question I think there is something wrong with calling it a friendship. She dumped her boyfriend after knowing this man for a while and you point out that she says he tried to get “more intimate” which means they HAVE been somewhat intimate already. That’s not friends! Even if they only kiss or hold hands that is still intimacy. My call: your calls are right on.
— SlickChick in NYC, part of Steeler Nation! 10/13/2009 Reply
Cat I love your response to Daily Bather. Marriage is a great adventure of learning about another person. I hope this woman doesn’t worry because as you say she will continue to learn many things about her husband…if they’re lucky! If you stop learning about your spouse, you have stopped wanting to learn about them. That was a very clever and wise ‘call’ about the clean towels. I like your perspective.
— CAM in pgh pa 10/13/2009 Reply
RE: TIRED OF HIDDEN AGENDAS
If a man treats his lady like a queen, age difference shouldn’t matter.
— Marc, Squirrel Hill 10/13/2009 Reply
In many other modern, civilized cultures in this world, people do not shower every day. Since becoming a busy mom, I have occasionally skipped showering for a day, and I find that it helps my skin and my hair in the wintertime (so they don’t get so dry) if I do so once in awhile. Of course this doesn’t work if you do a physically strenuous job, but if you’re basically sedentary, there’s no need to shower every day. I hope this person continues to have such minor marital problems!
— Rebecca, Ohio 10/13/2009 Reply
I agree Marc from Squirrel Hill; however, each person is different. When I was in my 20s and my former guy friend was in his 30s—I was not attracted to him because he seemed much older. Now that I’m in my 40s and he is in his 50s—I could be attracted to my former guy friend because I am older and appreciate him more, but I’m not available, and I would be afraid to go out with a guy like this anyway (if I were available) if he needs to disapear suddenly like this. I thought by just being a friend I could keep my former friend as a friend forever, but it did not work out this way. My former friend informed me that the only way we could have stayed “friends” would have been to give him lots of space (zero contact—not even an e-mail), but then if we became “friends” again—how long before the next problem? I am so sad about losing my former friend, but I don’t miss “walking on egg shells” around him!
— FFF 10/13/2009 Reply
I don’t understand daily bather’s issue, her husband showers after getting dirty (she said so…after he exercises, works on the house etc). And she also said she doesn’t notice that he smells bad or anything. My guess is her husband has an office job and quite frankly don’t generally work up a sweat sitting at your computer, I don’t. I don’t wash my hair everyday because the build up of shampoo etc drys my hair out. I could try different shampoos but why, when if I just skip a day between the problem is solved. I don’t need to shower every day but I do because it helps me wake up. I think daily needs to lighten up a bit.
— WES, Mass 10/15/2009 Reply