Columns
His Wife Nags With Notes & Ending A Friendship
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
DEAR CAT: My wife is a first grade teacher. We recently celebrated our 8th anniversary, we have two young boys, and both work full time. My wife is constantly on my case about chores, helping with the kids, hanging the gutter, etc. I work every day (all year long by the way), and when I get home I like to relax. I don’t need to come home and find multiple notes scattered around the kitchen with various assignments she wants completed that week. Also, every Monday it’s the same sarcastic note thanking me for my “help” with the kids that morning. Sunday is my only day to watch football, and last time I checked I wasn’t responsible for the Steelers being scheduled so late every week. The games don’t end until at least 7:30, and I’m not going to throw friends out of my basement just because it’s over! Now the playoffs are coming. What can I do to stop the notes? – CANâT HAVE A DAY OFF
DEAR CANâT: Your wife is so selfish. Since when are children, homes and marriage more important than football in the basement? Iâm with you, 7:30pm is way too late to do anything helpful, important or loving. Moreover, itâs clear your wife is secretly responsible for the timing of nationally televised football games. After all, sheâs the one with all that time on her hands because she only works five days a week, nine months a year. So, how do you stop the notes? Try doing everything an attentive, thoughtful husband and father should do for his wife and children – then hire a babysitter and take your wife out to dinner. Catâs Call: Iâd like to see you handle a classroom of first graders for one hour.
DEAR CAT: How do I know if I should end a friendship? I’ve been friends with âLisaâ since high school but during the past year sheâs become very self-involved and unappreciative. When I was going through a divorce, she couldnât be bothered to give me a few hours of her time even though I have always been supportive during her crises. She got married in October and has never once thanked me for anything I did to help her, or for the gifts I bought her. She basically acted like she was entitled to have her friends spend money on her. I’m really disgusted and am torn about what I should do. — TIME TO DE-FRIEND?
DEAR TIME: Itâs hard to see friends change for the worse, and harder still to watch a friendship slowly end. Hopefully this is just a bad phase for both of you, but I sense there is more going on. Her bridezilla phase aside, sheâs been unappreciative in other ways, and rude to boot! Neglecting to thank friends for their time and effort is not just poor form, itâs hurtful. If you still care for her, donât rush to break it off. First try talking to her calmly, without anyone else around, and explain how the friendship has become very one-sided. Her nuptial bliss might have clouded her judgmentâ¦Catâs Call: She might simply need a good talking-to.
Cat, loved today’s call about the nagging wife. This is why I read you.
— JayGatt (Pittsburgh) 01/20/2009 Reply
“Holy Cat” is my new saying when I see a pen act like a knife. Awesome call to the lazy husband. Wish I read you during my last relationship, I would have loved to see you ‘cut’ my ex down to size.
— cutetrixie (SoCal Steelers fan) 01/20/2009 Reply
I think maybe you were hard on the husband even though he sounded dismissive of his wife. It’s not the worst thing if he wants to hang out with his friends.
— tcraig pittsburgh 01/20/2009 Reply
As a teacher who is married for 8 years to a former first grade teacher, with three little boys under 6 years of age, I would like to rectify the husband’s misunderstanding of what a teacher does. Apparently, he is quite unaware of what happens in his own household. Good teachers need about two weeks after the students last day in May/June to finish up things and prep their classroom for the summer. And they return to get ready for the fall at least two weeks prior to the return of students. They are always keeping their eye out for things they can use in their curriculum to make school better for their students, often paying for them out of their own pocket (in these days of budget cuts in schools). My wife had plenty of papers to grade and correct every night even in first grade, and when she was finished with her work, she was so tired, she was out by 8-8:30pm…without the kids having arrived yet. So, the husband’s snide year-round comment is both ignorant and unloving. If his wife is such a nag, why did he marry her? If she wasn’t a nag when they wed, HE must have changed her. And if he thinks the children aren’t his responsibility, the perhaps he shouldn’t be making them. As any first grader would know, do your chores first, then play. Where’s the love, man?
— Jon in Bradenton, FL 01/20/2009 Reply
I definitely agree with your first call on the husband, but I’m not so sure about the second. I’ve had a few friends like that whom I’ve recently sort of dealt with. My friend always hung out — until her boyfriends came into the picture — then I couldn’t even get an answer to a text, let alone a phone call. The few times she would deign to go out with me sans her boyfriend, she told me how much she missed me and gushed about how we should hang out more, etc, etc. So I kept trying — calling, texting, all that jazz. I stopped trying a few months back, and just gave up. Finally, this month, she and I met up with another friend, and when she started the regular spiel, I told her that if she wants to hang out, it’s her responsibility to organize it, which I felt was a fairly clear indication that I wouldn’t be in a one-sided friendship anymore (that was actually one of my new years’ resolutions, because it seems to happen a lot). It’s been a few weeks, and I haven’t heard a word, and I’m no longer holding my breath. I’d rather be alone then sit waiting for a call I’ll never get.
— B (Pittsburgh) 01/20/2009 Reply
I certainly have no ill will against women or marriage (even having to say that feels like its wrong), but I have to call BS on that first letter – it’s more funny than anything. There’s no way that’s real, or if it is, that it came from the husband. I would guess the wife wrote it exaggerating some of the details here. Some husbands can be douches, but no one makes it so obvious in a Dear Abbey-style column. On a side note, love the column.
— Adam Pittsburgh 01/20/2009 Reply
Cat,
As someone who works as an elementary teacher (music), I can truly appreciate your remark concerning how hard it is to deal with children all day. The general public has no appreciation for the job and it’s modern day responsibilities. And believe me, we work more hours, many more hours than what is perceived by the public. Thanks.
— JM 01/20/2009 Reply
Cat,
I hear and understand your response to this and agree but I think there is more to it than this. I think there is a huge communication problem. I think her notes lying around the house is a bit harsh but maybe it’s because they can’t talk to one another. Maybe she tried but that doesn’t work and always ends in fighting. I don’t know. I don’t live there. Initially i thought that writing notes all the time is abuse. It’s what I call nagging abuse. that technique can never do any good not even for an attentive husband but maybe if he was more attentive she wouldnt’t feel like she needs to write notes. Chuck’s call: I have no idea what I’m talking about. I thought I did at first but then I got confused.
— Chuck (Pittsburgh, PA) 01/20/2009 Reply
I agree w/ that first commenter Jay in Pittsburgh. This is why I read your column. Even when I don’t agree with you (I do in this case) I love to read it. Sorry you didn’t do anything political today of all days. Or did you somewhere else? Googling that right now.
— CatFan Miami, FL 01/20/2009 Reply
Gotta respond to Adam in Pittsburgh. Believe me, the letter about the nagging wife is real. I’ve witnessed that husband’s behavior on many occasions. My sister and several of my friends have married men just like that. In society, and in our own families, women are programmed since childhood, that we should take care of the house, the children, and our men. As a result, many men grow up thinking that once they get married, their wives should take care of all these responsibilities. Think about it Ladies…during the holidays, or even the upcoming Superbowl celebration, who does all of the planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards?
— Mary, Pittsburgh, PA 01/20/2009 Reply
I agree with Jon in FL about the nagging wife…. While I’m not a teacher and don’t have any children, I am a homeowner with a full-time job all year long and I know how much work it takes to keep my house clean and organized. I also happen to know a ton of teachers, so I know that most non-teachers don’t realize that you’re cramming 12 months of work into 9! I personally think I would have a difficult time taking care of 20-some first graders all day long. Everyone has chores and housework to take care of. Do most people enjoy it? Probably not. These are the things you have to do. If he didn’t want the responsiblity of children, then maybe he should have thought twice about how much effort he would have to put in as a husband. As a bride-to-be, I hope that my marrige and family is a team effort and that me and my future husband can work together to keep up our house and our children. I think he needs to remember that a marrige is all about compromise and working together, even if the Steelers are on late!
— Lindsay, Pittsburgh PA 01/20/2009 Reply
I already posted, but I had to respond to Mary’s post. Mary, do you realize that some men are actually helpful around the house? In my family, all the way back to my Grandfathers…. the men always did the dishes if the woman cooked, they helped out around the holidays, and SHOCKER they even do some cooking and cleaning!! I think that a lot of women who say things like “the wives take care of the responsibilities” have a skewed view of what a marriage is all about. I can honestly say that my future husband (we already live together) and I both take good care of the household chores equally. I’m truly sorry Mary, that you got stuck with one of those guys who isn’t willing to help you. As far as Adam’s comment is concerned, I’m sure that there are some husbands out there who aren’t so great… but don’t you think there are probably wives who are just as bad??
— Lindsay, Pittsburgh PA 01/20/2009 Reply
Wow, I can’t believe the attitude of the gentleman’s letter, “Can’t have a day off.” Nor can I believe your response. His letter indicates to me that this marriage has a communication problem. “Notes scattered around the kitchen” in leau of a conversation seems harse AND distant. They need to hire a baby-sitter, go out to dinner and communicate. If need be seek a professional to help remedy their communication problems. I know my house looks like a tornado hit each Sunday night…but that is because we do the minimum each Sunday to watch sports and play with the kids. I’m currently cleaning Sunday dishes this Monday morning (and happy with it).
— Lori Lapham, Upper St. Clair 01/20/2009 Reply
Regarding the letter from Can’t have a day off, my advice to him is that, if he wants the notes to stop, he should just keep behaving exactly as he is currently. The notes will stop, because one day she’ll wake up and realize she married a selfish jerk who doesn’t appreciate her, and she’ll kick his lazy butt out. And as for his basement haven? Some other, smarter, guy will be watching the game on his big screen TV, with his kids, in a house he is still paying for :o)
— Marcy, Pittsburgh 01/20/2009 Reply
Good call on the “nagging wife” one, Cat. But I have to respond to Adam’s comment that there’s no way the letter is real. Um, yeah, it is. I was married to someone just like that. A man who thinks even though YOU work 40+ hours a week it’s still your responsbility to cook, clean, and raise the kids just so he can sit in a recliner drinking a beer. His idea of “helping” is lifting his feet so you can run the sweeper under them. What a jerk this guy is. If I were the wife, I’d leave him. (See above. We’re no longer married.) She can raise her kids on her own—in fact, she’ll have one less child to worry about, since he’s no good whatsoever. When men get married, they’re trading in their mother for a wife, and the more you baby them the worse they get. As for the notes lying around, if he locks himself in the basement to watch football, how is she supposed to be able to talk to him at all?
— Tampa Bound, Pittsburgh, PA 01/20/2009 Reply
I keep going back and forth on the “nagging wife” letter – but I do think you were too harsh with your reply. Yes, the husband should be helping out around the house, but the wife should understand that he is working 7 days a week, and that IS helping out. Is it really necessary to leave a sarcatic note for him every Monday thanking him for “helping with the kids”? If my husband did that to me, it would make me not want to help out even more. She works with first graders all day and that can be tiring, but that’s the career she chose and she knew that it was going to be stressful. But let’s not jump to conclusions and say that it’s the only stressful job out there. Just because I don’t work with first graders every day doesn’t mean my job isn’t stressful in a different way. So, yes, he should absolutely be helping out around the house, but she can also compromise, take a Sunday evening, and watch the game with him. Maybe he’s not helping change diapers on Saturdays, but he’s working at his job so they can buy the diapers. Relationships are a give and take.
— Jennifer, Pittsburgh PA 01/20/2009 Reply
I have to agree with the other commenters who say this is why I read Cat. I found your column two years ago by accident and I came back to it every week just to see what you have to say. I don’t even care what the questions are, I could enjoy your column if it was just the answers!
— Michael T., San Diego 01/20/2009 Reply
Hey Jennifer in Pittsburgh, do you seriously believe the husband works 365 days a year? Even if he did work that much maybe he shouldn’t have had kids (plural) if he didn’t have enough time for them and his wife. Yeah the wife chose to be a teacher but she’s not the one complaining about how hard her job is. The husband chose his job too, not to mention choosing to get married and have kids. And nobody is commenting about his weekly football parties in the basement – does the wife get to have weekly parties with her friends? Probably not because who would care for the kids? Not the husband, obviously.
— anonymous (san francisco, ca) 01/20/2009 Reply
Cat I like your column and you are very sharp and funny. I think you jumped to conclusions about the husband in the first letter. For all we know he does a lot to help with the children and his wife is maybe very intolerant. OK I do not like his little note about how she doesn’t work as hard as he does but that is resentment talking. I’m just saying you can’t know for sure if he’s really the only one to blame here.
— Go Steelers! (erie pa) 01/20/2009 Reply
Cat, Although I do feel for the nagging wife, chances are his lazy behavior isn’t anything new. Sure, it probably got worse after the house, the kids, etc. but I bet there were signs long before. Did he spend all day watching football while you were still dating? If the answer is yes, why would you think it would change once the ring was on your finger? Maybe if women start recognizing the warning signs early on they will choose their life partners more wisely.
— Jen, The Rocks 01/21/2009 Reply
Everyone’s talking about the jackass husband (I agree he is a jerk off) but the second letter is really relevant to this era. There have never before been so many adult single people (whether by divorce or not) and friendships often replace marriages and relationships in those cases. Breaking up with a friend is a hard choice – and not just for women (though they’re the ones who usually think of doing it). I did it a couple years ago with a high school friend who never grew up. My wife couldn’t stand him and when it came down to it I chose her over him. It was the right choice but it was hard.
— GARS, Indiana 01/21/2009 Reply
Cat, I think you were a little hard on this guy. I did not get the sense that he is abusive. I think that he just works hard and looks forward to a little time off with his buddies. Wouldn’t it be easier for the wife to just do the chores and take care of the kids instead of leaving notes and complaining.
— Kurt, Altoona 01/21/2009 Reply
Gars, You connecting singleness with breaking off long held friendships is a total non sequitur but that’s beside the point. It sounds like your wife chooses your friends for you. Any spouse who would do that deserves to be shown the door. My guess is that it wasn’t so much your friend’s refusal to grow up as it was your acquiescence to becoming hen-pecked, but keep telling yourself whatever makes you feel better.
— Kurt, Pittsburgh 01/21/2009 Reply
Cat – I appreciate the response. I need to clear up some things with your readers. My wife is a great person, mother, and teacher. We BOTH take care of the kids and maintain the house, and I think we do a pretty good job. The notes were a little out of control considering we are both home at reasonable hours, and talk about what needs done anyway. In response to Jon from Bradenton, I have a lot of friends in teaching, and most of them I met through my wife. I understand it’s a very difficult job, but unless Pittsburgh is very different than Bradenton, at 12:30 on that last day in June, it’s teachers gone wild. I advise friends and co-workers to stay off the sidewalks beacuse my wife and her partners are out to party. Two weeks later they typically can’t remember who they taught that year. As for Tampabound, congrats on getting tickets for the SBowl, but you might want to up your medication before such a trip. I vacuum, clean before and after parties (the kids enjoy the parties with us), and there’s not a lock to the basement. And if that’s you across the street with the gun aimed at my closet, please put it away - my kids are scared.
— CAN'T HAVE A DAY OFF 01/21/2009 Reply
Cat: I am the mother-in-law and I want the readers to know he is a “good” husband and father. Now on weekends with the Super Steelers, his joy is in his basement (game room) with a big screen tv, friends, and drinks. Most Sundays, they drink too much and, therefore, he is no help with bathing and putting the kids to bed. He is not up too early in the morning when she has to leave with the two “rugrats” and it becomes very frustrating to her. The football season is winding down but she has the Penguin games where the “good old boys” will be partying. I tell her at least he is home and don’t worry about cooking because you heat my left overs every night.
— Mother In Law 01/22/2009 Reply
This guy is post-it note crazy!!!! Always has been – always will be! I would bet that he has post-it notes on his kids’ heads to remember their names. But honestly folks, my guess is the wife is not as much frustrated as she is jealous. Knowing how Monday mornings can be here after a football Sunday, when husband is laying in bed on Monday morning with fuzzy head, and wife has to get up with her own fuzzy head to deal with fuzzy kids, she is wishing she could still be snoozing as well – just like the good ol’ days BK (before kids). Go Steelers!
— Previous Boss - Cincinnati 01/23/2009 Reply
I don’t know if she should end the friendship but I wanted to comment on the larger subject. I think every single (as in not married) woman has seen at least one old friend turn into a selfish “b” before, during and after her wedding. When I got married I appreciated everything my friends did. When I see how others are treated by their bride “friends” I can’t believe how people who were good friends the day before become like master and servant. Women go way overboard with this. It’s a wedding for crying out loud. Yes it’s stressful but have fun with it!
— Cara, San Francisco 01/23/2009 Reply
I was sitting here feeling all stressed about the economy and decided I’d head to your column for a great break from it all. I absolutely LOVED your response to the lazy husband and it made my day. I went from feeling very down to laughing uncontrollably. Thank you for making my night! I do think the woman could possibly use a different method for communicating, but this is probably the best she can do under the given circumstances!
— Debbie, Pittsburgh, PA 01/26/2009 Reply
It seems to me there are two choices: 1) The husband does the chores. 2) The wife hires someone else to do them and also gets someone to do the cleaning. Her teaching salary should be able to cover all that, and then she too can relax while she is not working. By the way, the mother-in-law’s comment only addresses watching the game on Sunday, not the help that her precious son fails to provide the rest of the week. Maybe she should cook some meals and do the cleaning while her daughter-in-law is working.
— NN, New Jersey 01/27/2009 Reply
Cat, your response to Can’t Have a Day Off was fantastic, and his “rebuttal” was interesting, as he now paints himself as helping out roughly 50% of the time. If that is the case, then his initial letter was poorly drafted. After all, he was the one that stated “when I get home (from work) I like to relax” and his expressed attitude on Sundays was that he was “not to blame” because the games end at 7:30 pm. He is to blame for the impression that you and the majority of readers took away from his first letter – which is that he is a selfish, lazy, unappreciative husband. No matter what he thinks he does to help, there is CLEARLY a problem because his wife has resorted to leaving notes, and his letter underscored the fact that he appears to be the problem. I agree with all of the commentators that the communication level in this marriage is at a critical stage and about one step away from divorce. While I do not agree with the wife’s passive aggressive tactics of leaving notes, her husband makes no mention (in either of his emails) of trying to talk to her about her frustration and how to solve their problems. He mentions in the second email that they “talk about what needs to get done” but he doesn’t say that he does it! Talking isn’t doing. My friends, male and female, are all huge Steelers fans, but the men and women share in putting the kids to bed during or after a game, washing the dirty dishes and cleaning up. Being a fan is no excuse for not helping care for your home and family. I liked the comment about doing your chores and then playing – very apt! Unfortunately from some of the emails, there are still men out there that think they should not have to help care for the house or children. As the one commenter said, they won’t like it so much when another man, who is more supportive and fair, takes their place in the bed, in front of the TV and with the kids. Hopefully the writer of the letter will realize that he and his wife must act quickly and together to fix the direction their relationship is taking. They both need to change and likely need marital counseling. Good luck to them – they have kids who will benefit more if their parents learn to work and play together as partners and not inequal roommates.
— Karen C - Pittsburgh 02/06/2009 Reply