Columns
He Needs To Get Over Feeling 'Second Best' & Is It So Hard To Say Goodbye?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
DEAR CAT: I considered asking this question many times but felt ridiculous for writing to an advice column. Then I read a comment here last week and it really hit home. A man said he didnât recall ever feeling certain he was âtheâ guy in a womanâs life. Iâm 39 years old and I feel exactly the same. I have a wonderful girlfriend; weâve been together three years and Iâve been thinking of proposing. But I have a nagging feeling that if any of her exes had proposed, she would have said yes. Like sheâd only be marrying me because sheâs not married to someone else. This isnât the first time Iâve felt this way. How can I get past feeling âsecond best?â — AM I âTHEâ GUY?
DEAR GUY: Brace yourself, this may come as a shockâ¦itâs possible to love more than one person in a lifetime. Whatâs more, you might love the fourth more than the first, second or third. Youâre worried that your girlfriend is settling for you but that speaks volumes only about your own insecurity. Itâs irrelevant whether she might have said yes to an old boyfriendsâ proposal because she chooses to be with you. Donât view her exes as competition, view them as the dummies who didnât marry her when they had the chance. Quit wallowing, get off your duff and propose already. Catâs Call: Only a âsecond bestâ would do less.
DEAR CAT: I’m not writing to express deep emotional problems, rather a pet peeve that hints at my vulnerability; it’s when people end a phone conversation by hanging up without saying goodbye. Is it just me or is this becoming more common as cell phones and other quick modes of communication become more prevalent? Even when I’m pretty sure the phone conversation is over, my old-fashioned training makes me want to give and receive a farewell. Not receiving it makes me feel like the person I’m talking to doesn’t care about me. Maybe they don’t care about me, and maybe I don’t care about them either, but can’t we at least pretend and be civil? — TAKE TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
DEAR GOOBYE: Iâm with you – itâs just plain rude to hang up on a call, especially because the other person might be unaware the conversation has ended. Most of us have experienced those awkward moments wondering if weâre suddenly talking to ourselves, only to learn yes, in fact we are! These days people do so many things at once that an official farewell can be forgotten but youâre over-thinking it to assume the other person doesnât care about you. Then again, many of the people who donât bother to say goodbye are busy trying to amass connections on social networking sites to prove how sociable they are. Ironic, isnât it? Thereâs no harm in saying, âsee you at seven!â before clicking off an informal call butâ¦.Catâs Call: A real goodbye beats âTTYLâ every time.
Whatâs your call? Share it below! Submit column questions here or send snail mail to: Catâs Call, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh, PA 15222.
I can relate to Second Best. A lot of men feel that way, a little worried their lady would prefer some superstar man if he showed up at their front door. Part of it probably comes from movies and fairy tales and the other part comes from guys not stepping up and acting like “the man.” It’s been three years buddy, of course she’d want a guy who won’t drag his feet. Be that guy and you won’t worry anymore.
— Thom, Pittsburgh 12/14/2010 Reply
My call: I feel like I could be Second Best’s ex girlfriend…who eventually ended it because all he did was wallow. Why do guys do this???? It’s the biggest turn off! You feel like you constantly have to feed their ego even if you’re the most giving girlfriend in the world. You’re 39 years old for crying out loud. She probably does think sometimes “I’m tired of making him feel like Prince Charming when he hasn’t even proposed and he constantly wants encouragement like he’s a teenager going out for the varisty team.” Act like a man! I’m sorry but grrrr this guy made my blood boil a little bit.
On the second question it’s very irritating when you’re about to say goodbye and the person clicks off. Like they’re some hot shot who makes room for you in their busy schedule. Manners, people, manners.
— Claire in Chicago 12/14/2010 Reply
Re: People ending a phone conversation by hanging up without saying goodbye.
This is a tactic practiced in the movies, and that’s likely where most people learn it. A “goodbye” on film typically seems unnecessary, and to the viewer, it doesn’t seem rude in the least.
— Rufus Peckham Pittsburgh 12/14/2010 Reply
LOL you’re probably right. I bet those people expect to hear a dial tone the moment someone on the other end of the line hangs up!
— Jen 12/15/2010 Reply
To “Am I the Guy”,
I feel your pain -it is not an easy place to be. I guess I’d dig a little deeper with this than what Cat suggested…my gut feeling is that (a) something is not right in the relationship and/or (b) you are having some issues with self esteem/depression.
My guess is that something is wrong in the relationship. For you to mention her previous relationships makes me wonder what has happened in the past or said that is causing you to have these insecurities.
If after three years of dating in your late 30’s and something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t. Don’t jump on this if you are uneasy -please know that 39 is still VERY young and you have plenty of time to find the right one if this relationship should not work out.
I just can’t shake the feeling that something is missing here…
— Daniela 12/14/2010 Reply
I agree there might be something missing from his story but I disagree on one point because I think Cat dug very deep here and brought something up I hadn’t thought of (honestly it took me a sec to see where she was going with it.) She’s telling him that yeah maybe his girlfriend would say yes to some guy YEARS AGO but now you’re in the present and she’s with you as a choice. It’s the point that feeling insecure about the girlfriend is pointless because even if she loved her exes (we must presume she did) she could love him even more. It’s time he acted, not whined. Indecisive men are very unattractive.
— Carrie in the burgh 12/14/2010 Reply
Dear Guy: You’re probably right; she probably would have married one of her prior suitors had it been right for her at the time. But she didn’t, you’re he suitor now, and you’re just creating drama for yourself at this stage. Car’s advice to you sounds about right to me; but if you’re so bothered by your feelings about this, maybe you should get out of it. Here’s the thing: good luck finding another girl who hasn’t had a prior relationship that she would have stayed in had things worked out. Sincerely Yours.
Dear Goodbye: You’re absolutely right! Thanks for reminding us all to engage in some manners. Goodbye to you. :-)
— carm in pittsburgh 12/15/2010 Reply
Ending a phone conversation without an official goodbye is standard practice in the USSR.
— steve in pittsburgh 12/15/2010 Reply